Pornography Messed up my Sex Life - Life Review - Day 238

 

A few days ago, I listened to the Interview - Pornography Messed up my Sex Life - Live Review and I found it fascinating in understanding the Minds of those who are addicted to Porn - the ins and out of the Design of the Addiction to Porn and what is it that these people are actually facing within and as themselves.

 

While walking my Process of writing and taking on the Point of Relationships and Sex, I've seen how with some of the partners that I've been with, which were addicted to Porn, the Relationship couldn't stand because I took it Personally and was sure that the reason why the relationship didn't stand was because of my performance in bed. And holly fuck, it is so absurd that we've turn Sex to Performance and within that, limited Sex to such an extant that it is in no way an expression of 2 people coming together to explore, assist and support themselves and their physical.  

If only I had the tools that I have now to assist and support myself and my partner, much of the experiences that I faced within my relationships with men, could be prevented and corrected as I now see, realize and understand why and how beings finds themselves addicted to Porn and what it is within them that they either Fear or perceive themselves to be lacking off which then, they would go into Porn.

 

Understand - we have the tendency to Judge that which we don't understand; to Judge people that are walking a different life path than how we think and perceive life should be lived; we judge the consequences of Porn for instance within our society; What we have missed and didn't realize is that Judgement is a reaction to a well known Problem but instead of getting to the root/source/core/origin of the problem, we would either ignore, suppress, hide and/or Deny; or we would focus all our attention to our reaction, not realizing that the reaction is nothing but a distraction to actually face the point we faced within and as ourselves. But there is another way - we could stand up and find Solutions to Prevent the Problem from re-emerge and/or Re-occur. This is what Desteni is all about - Prevention as the Ultimate Cure.

 

Thus, instead of Judging or Blame, Let's educate ourselves to Understand the Mind and what we have become as the Mind; let's Expand ourselves in getting to know how our mind works and functions to the nitty gritty details because once we'll know ourselves as the totality of our minds, we would understand and see directly the totality of the universal mind and would be able to Prevent Consequences instead of Judging them; we would be able to take responsibility instead of shifting responsibility. We would be able to assist and support others in showing them, what we have seen for ourselves. Our Process is of Prevention, and Porn for that matter - it is not about closing down the Porn industry, that will only cause more friction and conflict in people's mind as this is not a real and substantial solution but a cover up for the real/source/origin/core of the Problem. the Prevention for that matter would be Education, the Studies of the Mind within all the Layers of the mind so that one could see for oneself how and why one had developed and established a relationship to and towards Porn and accordingly, one would find it much more easy to realize oneself once one would understand the design that one had accepted and allowed oneself to exists within and as.

 

So, If you find yourself addicted to Porn, or if you are in a relationship where your partner is addicted to Porn, I suggest listening to this interview to assist and support you in getting to know yourself and/or your Partner as what drives one into developing and establishing a close relationship with Porn.

How to Deal with the Cheater in one's Mind - Day 235

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

 

So, as described yesterday, I will be walking the Design of Being a Cheater in my Mind and going after those that are Unavailable for a relationship in much more details from what I have walked thus far.

Specifically here, I will be looking at the story I shared yesterday where a guy from my past contacted me recently and apparently, the short communication we had was enough to activate all sorts of memories from our past together.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Fear Relationships but at the Same time, Desire for Sex and the Experience of having Sex Relationship gives me, through which I could defined myself as More than who I am, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the need to define myself as More through external forces is to suppress and ignore the Inner Experience and self definition of being inadequate, insecure and inferior that I've accepted, allowed and created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Experience Guilt when having a relationship with a male who has a partner because within and as me, I knew I would be accountable for the consequences that may emerge however, through Guilt, as a Design, I could define myself as "Moral" and "CONsiderate" while my physical actions implied otherwise and so, Through Guilt, I could suppress and ignore that which I've accepted and allowed myself to walk in misalignment to the principle of 'Do onto others that which you'd like to be done to you' and thus, not taking responsibility for myself and change my living application to an application that I would respect within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the Core/Source/Origion/Reason for why and how I've programmed and designed myself to Define and Experience myself within myself as Insecure, Inadequate and Inferior to the extent of having to look for these the Balanced components out side of myself through physical actions that my Harm other people but would temporary satisfied my Inner Experience with an Outer Experience of being More than another as I was the one the male have chosen to be with.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself why it is Ok to be with a guy that is having a partnership with another through shifting my responsibility as a human being to the guys, not understanding that my justification is a source of all evil - the Desire for Sex that override any form of basic common sense.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as Sexual being when I'm around attractive guys that are in a relationship so that they could secretly Yearn to be with me and thus, I would deliberately entice them to see me as a forbidden fruit they must attain till they make 'the move' and I could justify it for myself that it is their responsibility and I had nothing to do with it.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself when and as I accepted and allowed the Experience of Excitement when and as a guy that is in a relationship with another expressed his secret mind thoughts about me wherein, the nature of the excitement that I had experience was a momentary self satisfaction of feeling More than another, More than I had defined myself as and within that excitement, I had completely ignored the principle of Love your neighbours as yourself and do to others that which you'd like to be done onto you because in that moment of excitement, I had accepted and allowed myself to follow my Mind within my own self interest desire for Sex while disregarding and disrespecting the other human beings that are involved while I could have stopped myself, clear and change myself and stand as a pillar of support, both directly to the guy and indirectly to his partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've manipulated myself through accessing Guilt within and as myself where my mind would go off and think about the guy's partner and how it is not cool that he does such things while all along, I was the one who was responsible in how I was directly involved in seducing the guy into Cheating, either in their mind or physically and how I am the one who is able to stand in absolute self honesty and stability in being able to assist and support the guy to see, realize and understand the design they had accepted and allowed within and as themselves in being able to accordingly take responsibility and change themselves.

 

I commit myself to Stop, when and as I see myself accessing Guilt as I see now that Guilt as a design manifested within and as ourselves when and as there is something we are not willing to sort out, take responsibility and correct and the fact of the matter is that Guilt is Self Manipulation that would keep on Preoccupied in one's backchat and internal conversation instead taking responsibility for what one had accepted and allowed within and as oneself in separation of oneself.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that the Desire for Sex is so overwhelming and if one accept and allow oneself to direct and move oneself based on the Desire for Sex, one would disregard the consequences, self respect and would be willing to abuse oneself and another as the Desire for Sex Override any form of Common Sense.

 

I commit myself to STOP the Desire for Sex as well as the Fear of being in an Intimate and supportive Relationship/Agreement as I see, realize and understand now where I would take myself and others through the Desire and Fear and the consequences therefore.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW that any justification for why it is Ok having sex relationships with another human beings that has a partner is done from the starting point of the Desire for sex and not as a real self support and the support of others.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that having these justification implies that one is not standing stable within and as oneself as how one had defined oneself as insecure, inadequate and inferior through which one would believe one require sex with a partner that already has a partner to balance the inner experience with an external experience which within that, one isn't considering one's responsibility towards oneself and others within the principle of do to others that which you'd like to be done to you.

 

I commit myself to when and as a guy that is having a relationship approach me within the starting point of having me as the forbidden fruit to not accept and allow myself to engage and follow the desire but rather stand in self stability, breath and direct the moment effectively as I see, realize and understand my responsibility within it and the power I have to stand as a support instead of an abuser. 

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

As I've mentioned in the Blog Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship, I had the tendency in my past to find myself attracted mostly to the unavailable males. What start as "innocence communication" and getting to know the being, ended up in a secret sexual relationships.

 

This specific Relationship that I'll be walking here is one of these relationships that lasted for a while, on and off. It all started 11 years ago, when I met a couple when I was traveling somewhere in the world. We spent a few days together and we split up to different directions however, we decided that a few months later, when the female returned to Israel, I'll be joining to  the male along with another friend of his. As was agreed by all parties, I joined the guys for a month and a half and we travelled around, the 3 of us together. What I didn't know at that stage was that there was a secret agreement between the couple that when she will not be there, he could be with me. Till this day I have no idea why none of them told me about this agreement at that point but only years later - which I will get to as I continue writing.

 

So, you know.. Traveling overseas, sleeping in small joint rooms and being all day and night together leads to sexual relationships in most cases. However, his friend was there and innocent me, believed that he doesn't know about us fooling around and this all secretive thing attracted me even more because it was like we had this special bond that only he and I were aware of. During all this time I knew it was a temporary thing because he has a partner and I also liked his partner and didn't want to harm the relationship. Interestingly enough, the guilt wasn't that extensive while we were traveling - the guilt emerged when we were back in Israel.

 

And so, this journey ended - he returned to Israel and I continued to travel with his friends and couple more friends that we met during the way. His friend and I, never discussed what had happened between his friend and I, as if none of it existed and we were simply 3 people, traveling together but there was always this tension between us. he was angry at me for being with his friend and I didn't want to face it by talking about it.

 

When I returned to Israel, I started a new life - met new people, got into the Alcohol and Parties arena and was more 'free butterfly' in comparison to how I used to be, before the 6 months trip in the world that I did.

I got a phone call one day from the guy I was with in a secretive relationship and he told me that he moved to a city close to where I lived and that he wants to meet me. I don't remember the exact details but I met him and we initially became close again, no sex. He started being more consistent in his approach towards me and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I knew his girlfriend is now in the same country as we were and I justified it to myself that it isn't right.

 

One night, we went to a party together and for a moment, we split up. I went to talk to my bartender friends while he went to put my bag in the storage room. Without anyone noticing it, (and till this day I don't know what happened), someone put something in my drink. Any way, as the guy came towards the bar to meet me, I fainted. After a few moments I woke up and I was no longer standing were I stood, I was on the way out with the guy assistance and support. However, in the moment after I fainted again and when I woke up, we were at the entrance of the storage room to take my bag and go home. We finally went out but yet again, I fainted on the middle of the road. Next thing that I remember was us two sitting near the party place, stabilizing my physical as he was holding me, hugging me and taking care of me. Once I was stable again, he kissed me. I took a step back and asked him to stop. This is when he told me the secret agreement that he had with his partner back then, when we were in the overseas, in trying to convince me that it is ok for us to fool around. I didn't accept it and as he pushed more, I resisted more and started experiencing resentment towards him. A few days or weeks after, we met again, after he had promise me that he won't kiss me or try to do anything. However, within me, I really wanted to have sex with him and so we did.  After we had sex, the guilt started to take over because now, I knew within and as myself that I'm responsible, that I did something that I shouldn't do and that I cannot justify myself by saying to myself: "but hey - you are not the one who has a partner, it is his responsibility". I was on my way to get out and leave but before I left, I told him that this must stop and we cannot do this again. If necessary, we won't meet again.

Then he told me that he loves me, that he fell in love with me and that he is leaving his partner if I'll take him.

But me, scared as hell of being intimate for real with another and within that, being in a relationship that might hold for more than a few months, I told him that he doesn't love me, he loves his partner and that he should forget about me and move back to the city he came from where she is. For years later I felt regret that I didn't follow this through because this guy, was a guy to bring home lol. But that is another design that I will write about in another blog.

 

When he told me he loved me, I became completely frightened. I was shocked and my only reaction was - " 'WTF' it cannot be real, it is wrong, no, I cannot allow it." Obviously, I didn't investigate my reactions back then and I simply ignored all of that. So, to be able to face this in terms of suppressing the experience, I started having hatred feelings towards him as if he is so bad for doing this to his partner, not seeing my responsibility within it. and so, I don't think I ever saw him again, we might spoke on the phone one time, by chance, when a friend of mine figured out years later that her co-worker knows me so she called me from work and he took the phone from her. I think that was when he told me that him and his partner are getting married.

 

A few weeks ago, he contacted me. He told me that so much had happened and that he wanted to share with me. I was sure that he either has kids or that they broke up. the thought about him having kids was like a pin in my heart and the thought of them no longer together was like an inner excitement, like maybe now we can set things right. Apparently, they do not have kids but they are still together lol.

 

Then, I got another E-mail from him, telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me for the last 2 weeks and that he told his co-workers about me and the other friend that were traveling with us and how he would like to hug me like old time style. (the time we were together overseas).

 

I reacted to this - first within excitement as if I still have influence on him, because he still have secret thoughts about me, that he remembers me and that if I only want to, he would leave his partner. Then, when I reminded myself that I've walked through the design of me wanting those who are unavailable, the why and how I have accepted and allowed myself in the past to participate in the design and what are the consequences, I initially felt ashamed for participating within the energy experience of excitement when reading his words and seeing his expression in my mind saying these words, then I moved into Guilt within the back chat of - what if she reads this e-mail? I don't want to be responsible for their brake up, I don't want this to start all over again, and then I moved to Anger which I projected towards him. I wrote him back that I really hope that he isn't doing anything in that nature with anyone else because he is married now. I didn't hear from him since.

 

The next day, I started investigating my reactions, my emotions and feelings and why and how this point presented itself again. How is it that despite of me seeing the design, I still invite it into my life and still not standing up and directing myself effectively in not accepting and allowing this kind of shit within me and this world. I felt guilty for this point having to present itself again for me to face and correct myself while I influence other people lives and within that messes up their life.

I was reminded then that the only thing I must focus on is me, and my responsibility within it all. What ever they are going through, is their process to walk because as long as I haven't sorted out myself, I wouldn't be able to stand as a support for them.

 

 

Will continue sharing my investigation and correction in my next blog

 

 

Judgement as self Perfection - Day 218

 

 

This is a continuation to:

 

The Elite's delusion of stress - Part 1 - Day 45 The Elite's Delusion of Stress - Part 2 - Day 46 The Decision of TIME - Day 67 The Decision of TIME - Day 67 Copy Paste Character - The Education System - Day 184 Is it possible to Cheat yourself? Day 185 It is time to STOP Existing as a Human Machine - Day 186 The End of Times - Day 187 Facing the Evil within - the KEY to LIFE - Day 188 Fear of Disappointing others - Day 189 The Psychology of TIME - Day 190 I Regret, therefor, I'm a Good Person. NOT!!! - Day 191 The REAL Fear - Day 192 The things we Won't tell ANYONE - Day 193

Missing out on the Good Life - Day 194 Let's have some Fun - Day 195 Stupidity Loop - Jumping from the Bad to the Good to the Bad - Day 196 The Smoke Screen of Ignorance - Day 197 Leaving in a Dream - Day 208 Having the Life Style you always dreamt to have - Day 209 IT is MY time Now - don't say a word - Day 210 Let's go on Vacation - Day 211 Comparison is a Bitch - Day 212 Damn, I will never have everything done - Day 213 Standing as an Example - Self Interest or Self Realization? - Day 214 From the Bossy to the Loser - Day 215 Jealousy and Frustration - I want the Life they Have - Day 216 The Poison within Irritation and Anger - Day 217

 

For the purpose of context, suggest reading these posts above prior to reading the post below, if you haven’t already. Here I will be walking the 'I don't have TIME' Character - Reaction Dimension - Practical support with Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments.

 

Reactions Dimension:

* Jealousy

* Frustration

* Irritation

* Anger

* Judgment and Self Judgment

* Impatient

* Self Pity

* Depression

* Anxiety

* Stress

----

 

Judgement and Self Judgement:

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge people as More or Less than me according to where I'm at within the "I don't have time' character time line meaning - I would either judge them as less than me when I compare them to what I believe they should be doing with their time within their effectiveness and their potential to become as effective that they can be, or I would rather judge them as More than me, to justify why I have to perfect myself and push myself even more, to stop complaining and simply do the work in separation of me. (For more context, please read - From the Bossy to the Loser - Day 215)

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for either being More or Less than other people, in comparison to an ideal that I've created within and as my mind, not taking into consideration each individual and our processes and thus, instead of equally assisting and supporting myself and the others, I would diminish myself and the others in my mind, to either balance the positive or the Negative experience that exists within and as me.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my application and my effectiveness in moments where everything seems to be overwhelming and I access the ' I don't have time' character, and within this judgement, would start to spite myself in looking at all the moments that I fell and missed a breath instead of understanding that I can instead learn from the point, align myself to perfect my application/effectiveness and that judging my past doing is useless, pointless, meaningless and counterproductive.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that Judging and Chastising myself because I have seen that I could have applied myself more effectively, and in that, wouldn't have gone to the point of overload in overwhelmingness is a form of self dishonesty because within self Honesty, I could learn, assess and empower myself in seeing how I can correct my application to stand in alignment with my utmost potential and from that moment onwards, to simply walk the corrective application till the application is simply an expression of who I am in oneness and equality.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've utilized the judgement of others for my own self interest / self definition wherein When and as I 'feel' that my standing within myself is compromised, I would try to justify to myself the 'Ok'ness in compromising myself through comparing myself to others that I perceive to be less stable within and as themselves.

 

I commit myself to assist and support me in moments where I see that judgement kicks in, either towards myself or towards others and to transform those moments to gifts in assisting and supporting me to see how and why I've separated myself and from there, walk the correction process and change.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW that any form of judgment is Self Dishonesty as one could have assess, investigate and introspect self to see how one can learn and perfect oneself as one's application but instead, through judgement, one gave in to one's mind with no actual and real self support.

 

I Commit myself to NOT accept and allow myself to judge myself or others and instead, investigate what I haven't seen for myself, as myself and in myself that I could learn from, correct and change.

Is it possible to Cheat yourself? Day 185

This is a continuation to:

Copy Paste Character - the Way for Success? - Day 183

Copy Paste Character - The Education System - Day 184

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Program myself deliberately as a consumer, always looking and seeking for the quick fix, the short cut in having things done, so that I could get MORE in LESS time within the common belief that MORE is what we should be seeking after, MORE is what we must become and through having MORE and MORE and MORE we will be successful and be seen as achievers by our environment and they would respect us and see us as superior not ever seeing, realizing and understanding that while rushing through within the journey to be and have MORE, we are missing the very BASIC more of what we could have be and become if we were to stop seeking for MORE and actually Participate with the Physical reality, Breath by Breath, in HEREness of and as Equality and Oneness and in that, Be in fact MORE than what we have become as a limited version of ourselves as our minds but rather, Live as Physical respectful of LIFE human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, from an inferior starting point, to look for the short cut and the quick fix because I believed I cannot walk to my full potential unless I achieve something that is visible that could be respected by others whom would validate me for my achievement and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through looking for the validation and appreciations of others, to use the short cuts and in doing so, diminish myself so completely as I've not accepted and allowed myself to walk my life, breath by breath within the inner self realization that there is only so much one can do in each and every breath and one should focus on making the best out of each and every breath instead of brushing off what one does within the starting point of pleasing others so that they could validate self as self beliefs that one cannot validate oneself unless someone else validate self.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to disrespect myself within accepting and allowing myself to direct myself within and as the starting point of brushing stuff off, looking for short cuts, seeking for the quick fix and I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that within accepting this starting point through having a projected idea of who and what I should be and in that - being a specific person according to my eye's views as soon as possible, I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Stand HERE, BREATHE and directly see ME, in absolute Self Awareness, and accordingly make aware decisions that are based on a principle of what is best for all and in that, walking my decisions, breath by breath as to my utmost potential as who I am within what I do.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to miss a breath when looking for the quick fix and the short cut to achieve my desires that I've created within and as my mind and in missing a breath, I have accepted and allowed myself to project the idea of what I require to do for me to be validated, appreciated by others so that I could be worthy in my eye's view once I'm worthy according to others eye's view.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of the accumulation effect of taking more and more upon myself within the starting point of being MORE to other people so that they could respect, validate and appreciate me and then, when it comes to the point of having more things to do then what is possible to do within the space time breath by breath application, I looked for the short cuts to have my assignments done, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within that cycle that I've created for myself, I've compromised and sabotaged myself and others as not walking my assignment according to the utmost potential it can be done when walking each and every step in breath by breath.

 

 

Am I willing to have Children with this Person? - Day 182

For the purpose of understanding the content of this blog and to assist and support yourself with not creating another dimension in your mind through reading only this blog, I suggest reading:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Commitments - Day 177

The Layers of our Minds - Day 178

The relationship between Fear and Pain - Day 179

Pregnancy Pills to Suppressing Fears - Day 180

Having Sex with A partner you don't want having Kids with - Day 181

 

 

 

I commit myself to SHOW that for practical common sense living application one do not require FEAR as the directive principle and in this, I commit myself to show that the fears one had define as Positive fears to protect oneself from one's world/reality can be altered and change to practical common sense living application that one can walk within and as, without the existence of fear within and as oneself.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW that when one is making a decision based on FEAR and making an act that would result in suppressing the FEAR within and as oneself so that self won't have to face the fear, physical consequences may emerge that will effect one's life. In this, I commit myself to SHOW the relationship between the Mind and the Physical wherein suppressed fear that were not dealt/sorted out within and as oneself, would manifest consequences that will harm the human physical body.

 

I Commit myself to Always investigate the source/core of any pain I experience within and as myself as I see, realize and understand that I was the one who had created the pain through accepting and allowing all forms of beliefs, ideas, perceptions, opinions about myself that would stand in alignment to my own self interest, without any fundamental ground in cross referencing these components with a physical equal and one result.

 

I Commit myself to Show that having a desire for sex, without understanding what sex IS and how to utilize Sex as a support for oneself, one's body and partner, indicate that one is an automated machine that has no respect for oneself, one's partner and LIFE as all one care about is fulfilling one's desire for nothing but an energy fix to sustain the machine that one had accepted and allowed self to be an become.

 

I Commit myself to get to know my partner within who my partner is and the potential my partner has to stand in alignment with me so that we can together, grow and expand ourselves, utilising our forces in changing ourselves and this world as a whole and until I'm sure and satisfied the agreement can stand in alignment to what's best for all, and that we can spend our life in a commitment to ourselves and each others, Sex wouldn't be part of the picture as I now see, realize and understand the responsibility that comes with sex and the consequences sex might have and in this, I stand here in a commitment to myself to utilize sex as a support structure for both me and my partner and not as a need, desire or want that is based on Energies, manipulations and self interest that may harm me or others.

 

I Commit myself to respect myself and ask myself a question when considering agreement with a prospect partner: "Am I willing to have children with this person?". The reason for this question is to see what movement and reactions comes up from within and in that, making sure I'm not deluding myself in ignoring the signs that I could see when desires/wants/needs are removed from the equation but rather, walking the equation that would lead to the utmost best outcome that would result in and as the principle of that which is best for all.

Having Sex with A partner you don't want having Kids with - Day 181

For the purpose of understanding the content of this blog and to assist and support yourself with not creating another dimension in your mind through reading only this blog, I suggest reading:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Commitments - Day 177

The Layers of our Minds - Day 178

The relationship between Fear and Pain - Day 179

Pregnancy Pills to Suppressing Fears - Day 180

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the fear of getting pregnant and having a child as my starting point in taking pills and I haven't realized that I do not require fear to be my directive principle but rather, practical common sense in consideration to where I am in my process, whether or not a child would be practical in terms of the support I'm able to gift my child with and so - when seeing in self honesty that having a child is not what is best for all at a specific moment, Pregnancy pills is a practical solution that would stand in alignment to the decision of not having children.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to let the fear go as my directive principle as I believed that having fears is practical instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that being practical and walking my life based on common sense principle doesn't require any fears but simply being here, directly seeing what's here and what would be the best for all application in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to still exists in fear when taking pregnancy pills because I know that it's not 100% safe and so, instead of taking the necessary steps to make sure that no pregnancy would emerge, I've allowed hope that everything will be alright while still allowing fears within and as me as well as abdicating my responsibility within the decision of having sex and the consequences that may emerge.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider that by the fact that I have fears of getting pregnant indicate that somewhere, deep inside myself, I'm well aware that the partner I'm with, is inadequate and yet, I've accepted and allowed the desire for sex to take over and act in ways I see that is not best for me and thus, not best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be willing to have sex with patterns I was not willing to have children with because I was deliberately used them and abused them as well as myself for the sake of fulfilling my desire for sex without willing to accept the consequences of sex as an act of birthing Life into and as the physical and the responsibilities that comes with having sex.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not respect myself by willing to have sex with partner that I wasn't willing to have children with as my directive principle back then was Sex and the desire for sex without any consideration as to what is sex, what is sex to me, who I am as sex, why I am as sex, what is the physical purpose of sex and who am I having sex with.

 

For more context:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

Melancholia after a Break Up - Day 173

Melancholia after Break Up Continued - Day 174

Melancholia after a Break Up - Day 173

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to break down after a break up from my partner for an extensive period of time where all I could think about was what have I done wrong and how was it possible that we broke up because everything was so perfect and in that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to spend hours in my mind, going back and forth throughout all the memories that I had with him, in the attempt to figure out how can I correct it and make him to change his mind.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access Melancholic experience after the break up to the extent of not going out of bed for almost 4 days and in that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself during the time in bed, to think again and again and again, in my mind, about our last moment together of him leaving the house and not looking back while I'm lying on the floor as if the end of the world had arrived and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through rapidity going over this moment in my mind, to perpetuate my emotions and re-live the experience, not seeing, realizing and understanding that despite of what had happened, I'm still here, I remain and to continue participating in the mind is not practical assistance and support that I'm able to gift to myself, to come down to this physical reality, take a breath and simply be here - continue walking, breath by breath, step by step.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel like my entire human physical body is tearing apart after the break up, as if someone took my stomach and turn is back and forth, up and down and pushing it in and out. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to instead of questioning and investigating the nature of my experience and why and how I'm deliberately creating this experience, I've accepted and allowed the experience as if it was me, as if it was real and in that justify why I'm allowed to be in agony because after all - I was just been dump by the love of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having the experience of melancholia for so long because others had told me that: "Yes, it takes time but not that much time, Maya, it's time to stop this" and within that, instead of assisting and supporting myself to step out of the experience that I've created within and as my mind and believed so much that it was all real, I've closed myself at home, allowing sadness to take total control over me and slowly but surely let my friendship relationships slip away because my friends couldn't support my existence in melancholia which I so deeply had decided to remain within and as.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hang out with guys that if my Ex would have seen me with, he would have become Jealous and so, I made sure to spend time with celebs within the hope that I would be captured in the newspaper with them. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hang out with guys from the starting point of making my Ex jealous, and in no way had any respect to myself nor my body within my mission to do what ever it takes to win my man back.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to plan each and every move that I've made within the starting point of whether or not it will take me one step further to get back with my partner and so, for example when I had birthday, I made sure to invite as many people as possible, and as many attractive guys as possible so that when my ex will surprise me and come to my party, he would see me with these attractive guys and become jealous, realize he had made a mistake and come back to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when realizing he will not come to the party and see the scene that I've prepared to such great details for him, to drink my sorrow up with Alcohol and spend the night with a guy that had no respect for me, just that I won't be alone, facing my agony and misery that I've created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when going out with friends, to go out to places with the highest chances that if my ex would be in town, it would be the place I would party in so that we could meet each other again and as he would see me, he would immediately realize that he had done a mistake by breaking up with me. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy myself, be here, with my friends when we went out to party as I was consistently, looking for my Ex, hoping faith will bring us back together and when the moment didn't arrive, to drink myself up, so that I could feel unlimited to spend the night with another guy so that for a moment, I could feel desired and yearned for, only that, I never did - the melancholia was always there - with or without Alcohol and sex.

 

To be Continued...