How fear can control your life (Part one) - Day 482

Within my Woman's Journey to Life blog, I have been walking extensively  the point of relationship to assist and support myself and other women in the world to get to the nitty gritty of ourselves when it comes to relationship with a male so that we are able to create and develop effective relationships with ourselves and as such, with another;

 

In this blog series though, I will show how one point of fear, fear of parents in relation to one's sexuality, created consequences in my life and how in looking back, these consequences could have been prevented if I was more aware of my mind and my thinking processes. Thus, if you are a teenager or a parent to a teenager, you will be able to walk with me, into my introspection process and hopefully support yourself and/or your child by understanding the teenager's thought processes, if sexuality isn't a topic that is openly discussed at home.

 

With me, I didn't feel that I have anyone to talk when I was a teenager and many teenagers today can relate to this experience of not being able to share themselves unconditionally with their parents/friends/partners. Unfortunately, many of the teenagers that feel that way, tend to become secretive in doing things behind the parents' back, hoping that what the parents don't know won't hurt them; only that in many cases, the teenagers are the ones who get hurt, by making reckless decisions that are based on unconscious fears.

 

What I found in my process of introspection of my own mind, was that the mind is layered with memories and information and sometimes, when I 'think' that I got to the source in relation to one specific pattern that played out in my life, a new layer opens up, uncovering another piece of information in my journey of getting to know myself as the mind.

 

A few days ago, I was asked a simple question: "How did I feel about relationships in the past?" interestingly enough, I "thought" that I knew the answer because I've walked that path before when I investigated who I was in my past relationships. At the same time, there was a point of resistance towards the question because I couldn't allocate the point of 'feeling about' past relationship; what does it mean 'feel about' something?!

 

When I started writing the point for myself, I walked again my first relationship but this time, more focusing on my hidden back chat, the thoughts/feeling/emotions that I couldn't even admit to myself. As I mentioned in one of my blogs, my first partner was like 'prince charming' whereas I could experience myself in a way that I always imagined relationships to feel like - he loved me like no one else did before, he was expressive, romantic, caring, intimate. He was one of this unique guys that would write songs for me, sing them to me, write me love letters and so forth - it was really a relationship that every girl would want for herself and yet, out of the blow, I broke up with him.

 

For years I tried to justify for myself why I broke up with him, making myself believe that I wanted something more, I wanted maturity in the sense of taking our relationship to the next step of getting married and moving out of our parents' house but because we were only 16 years old, this future was far away in time and I couldn't wait till that future manifest. I made myself believe that I broke up with him so that I could find another man whom with I am able to manifest this future sooner because I didn't like the way I experienced myself at home and I hoped that once I move out, I could expression all these expression that I suppressed at home.

 

Though, as I said before, another layer opened up this time where I was able to see the real reason of why I broke up with him and how by doing so, I compromised myself and created consequences for years to come.

 

This I will continue sharing in my next blog post.

 

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Are work - Nomi Chi

 

 

 

Melancholia after Break Up Continued - Day 174

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

Melancholia after a Break Up - Day 173

 

I Commit myself to Remind myself that going on and on in my mind, looping around memories, trying to figuring out what I've done wrong and how I can correct myself is impractical and thus, when and as I see myself accessing my mind, perpetuating the Sadness that I've accepted and allowed within and as myself to immediately STOP, BEATHE and Literally bring myself back here, to and as my human physical body and utilize the 4 Count breath if necessary till the Energy dissipate and I'm clear and stable within and as myself. Within this, I commit myself to assist and support myself in seeing the nature of the Melancholia, My Starting point and the Hidden Desire that activated the point through writing, SF and Practical Corrective Actions.

 

I Commit myself to Remind myself that accessing Melancholic mode and within that, accepting and allowing Melancholia to become my entire existence is unacceptable as I see, realize and understand that through allowing myself to become Melancholic, I accept and allow myself to give up on myself through separating myself to such an extent of believing myself to be so Sad and that this sadness is real, not seeing, realizing and understanding that for my mind, this Sadness is a good thing as the mind consume the energy that is busy manifesting when accepting and allowing sadness to exists within and as me. Thus, When and as I see myself accessing Melancholic depression, I stop, I breathe, I'm HERE. I remind myself that what I've accepted and allowed within and as myself is just Energy and that WHO I AM is not Energy. Therefor, I stand up, Shake the Energy off of me, Letting it go and aligning myself with and as my human physical body, in one Breath.

 

I Commit myself to NEVER AGAIN justify and reasoning why it is OK for me to take a moment and break down, why it is OK for me to access Melancholia and Why it is fine to feel those Negative Emotions inside of me. I see, realize and understand that I am always the ONE who Decide and it would be only me who Decide to either accept and allow Melancholia or stand up, Breath and let the Energy go within seeing that accepting and allowing the energy possession to control me and my entire human body is in no way supporting myself nor my body.

 

I Commit myself to Never again abuse and sabotage myself to satisfied my Preprogramed desires as I now see, realize and understand that placing Value in these Desires is Directly and Indirectly stating that I have No respect for myself and when I don't have respect for myself, I do not have respect for LIFE.

 

I Commit myself to Show how Melancholia is a Mind Controlled State where a being is abdicating one's responsibility towards oneself and one's world and that within that, one ALWAYS have the power to Decide what one will accept and allow and what one won't.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW the relationship between Melancholia after a break up and the Media as Magazines, Fairy Tale movies, Books and Story and how through the Media, humanity had become control to their own Minds to the extent of abusing themselves and their human physical body within the Belief that it is human Nature to experience Melancholia after a break up because that is what promoted in the Media.

Melancholia after a Break Up - Day 173

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to break down after a break up from my partner for an extensive period of time where all I could think about was what have I done wrong and how was it possible that we broke up because everything was so perfect and in that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to spend hours in my mind, going back and forth throughout all the memories that I had with him, in the attempt to figure out how can I correct it and make him to change his mind.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access Melancholic experience after the break up to the extent of not going out of bed for almost 4 days and in that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself during the time in bed, to think again and again and again, in my mind, about our last moment together of him leaving the house and not looking back while I'm lying on the floor as if the end of the world had arrived and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through rapidity going over this moment in my mind, to perpetuate my emotions and re-live the experience, not seeing, realizing and understanding that despite of what had happened, I'm still here, I remain and to continue participating in the mind is not practical assistance and support that I'm able to gift to myself, to come down to this physical reality, take a breath and simply be here - continue walking, breath by breath, step by step.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel like my entire human physical body is tearing apart after the break up, as if someone took my stomach and turn is back and forth, up and down and pushing it in and out. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to instead of questioning and investigating the nature of my experience and why and how I'm deliberately creating this experience, I've accepted and allowed the experience as if it was me, as if it was real and in that justify why I'm allowed to be in agony because after all - I was just been dump by the love of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having the experience of melancholia for so long because others had told me that: "Yes, it takes time but not that much time, Maya, it's time to stop this" and within that, instead of assisting and supporting myself to step out of the experience that I've created within and as my mind and believed so much that it was all real, I've closed myself at home, allowing sadness to take total control over me and slowly but surely let my friendship relationships slip away because my friends couldn't support my existence in melancholia which I so deeply had decided to remain within and as.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hang out with guys that if my Ex would have seen me with, he would have become Jealous and so, I made sure to spend time with celebs within the hope that I would be captured in the newspaper with them. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hang out with guys from the starting point of making my Ex jealous, and in no way had any respect to myself nor my body within my mission to do what ever it takes to win my man back.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to plan each and every move that I've made within the starting point of whether or not it will take me one step further to get back with my partner and so, for example when I had birthday, I made sure to invite as many people as possible, and as many attractive guys as possible so that when my ex will surprise me and come to my party, he would see me with these attractive guys and become jealous, realize he had made a mistake and come back to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when realizing he will not come to the party and see the scene that I've prepared to such great details for him, to drink my sorrow up with Alcohol and spend the night with a guy that had no respect for me, just that I won't be alone, facing my agony and misery that I've created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when going out with friends, to go out to places with the highest chances that if my ex would be in town, it would be the place I would party in so that we could meet each other again and as he would see me, he would immediately realize that he had done a mistake by breaking up with me. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy myself, be here, with my friends when we went out to party as I was consistently, looking for my Ex, hoping faith will bring us back together and when the moment didn't arrive, to drink myself up, so that I could feel unlimited to spend the night with another guy so that for a moment, I could feel desired and yearned for, only that, I never did - the melancholia was always there - with or without Alcohol and sex.

 

To be Continued...

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create and believe in my creation of my own misery so that I could live out the fantasy of being saved by my Prince Charming and as years passed by and the ONE LOVE didn't show up, I created more misery for myself and more sadness for myself, not seeing the relationship between my desire to be saved by the ONE and the misery that I put myself through so that I could have this experienced of being saved. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself to such an extent that I prepared the way before me, in deliberateness, for someone to save me through the belief that it would be the only way that I could experience the LOVE, not seeing, realizing and understanding the consequential outflows of my desires.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the desire of being saved from  my own sadness as a design that I've created within and as myself, looking for the missing piece - for a guy that would play along within this design - one that had accepted and allowed oneself to participate within and as the Desire to Save.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to LIVE out the fantasy of a princess that is being saved by prince charming and accordingly, had set the scenes, preparing myself so completely with accessing all the agony and sadness that comes with it and I haven't seen, realized and understood how this fantasy was created through imprinting the fairy tales story into me, already from the childhood years, believing that this should be my story and therefore, became the character of my own life, to stand in alignment with the fantasy scene that I was busy building up where all along, the one point that kept me going was HOPE that my Love Story would end up like in the Movies = happily ever after.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get in a relationship from the starting point of the desire of being saved and I haven't seen, realized and understood the consequences of starting a relationship from a desire to be saved wherein, once I change my the dynamic within the relationship where I no longer need to be saved as I already experienced that LOVE and already got the guy, the relationship can no longer stand since it was no more in alignment with the desire of wanting to be saved as wanting to save.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate guys through my own desire to be saved, through presenting myself as Sad and within that, to open a door for the guy, to access his own design of being the saviour so that we could both play the game and live happily ever after.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through deliberately become the sadness character - always seeking for Drama, for a story that I would then utilize to manipulate the guys that are carrying the Design of a saviour and within my own self manipulation, I became to know me as Sad and accepted the sadness as me, not seeing, realizing and understanding that becoming sad was my own deliberate decision that I've accepted and allowed myself to stand as and I haven't seen how powerful I am within my own creation of sadness, as I've also created the forgetfulness that I was the one who decided to create myself as sadness as a manipulative action to attract a guy.

 

For male's perspective regarding the design of wanting to save a girl - suggest reading Fidelis's Journey to Life - Day 65 - Also Attracted to Broken Girls Part 2 

 

I Commit myself to show how a child is creating a fantasy in one's mind, in the first 7 years of one's life and accordingly, would slowly but surely, start playing the character role that one had put forth to oneself without seeing, realizing and understanding the consequential outflows that one is creating within the acceptance and allowance of oneself to participate in one's desires that one would design oneself as throughout one's life.

 

I Commit myself to remind myself that I am always the ONE who decide and what ever I created myself as, I also created the forgetfulness of becoming my own creation so that I would never find out that I've created myself as such and accordingly change.

 

I Commit myself to Expose the Design of the Saviour and being Saved that human beings are participating in our journey to find the ONE, the LOVE and within that, SHOW the relationship between the Design and the Media.

 

I Commit myself to be attentive to how my Mode is changing when and as I meet a guy and within that, make sure that I'm not accessing the design of being saved where I would manipulate myself into becoming sad to draw attention within the Hope that the guy would play along and carry the Saviour character.