Pornography Messed up my Sex Life - Life Review - Day 238

 

A few days ago, I listened to the Interview - Pornography Messed up my Sex Life - Live Review and I found it fascinating in understanding the Minds of those who are addicted to Porn - the ins and out of the Design of the Addiction to Porn and what is it that these people are actually facing within and as themselves.

 

While walking my Process of writing and taking on the Point of Relationships and Sex, I've seen how with some of the partners that I've been with, which were addicted to Porn, the Relationship couldn't stand because I took it Personally and was sure that the reason why the relationship didn't stand was because of my performance in bed. And holly fuck, it is so absurd that we've turn Sex to Performance and within that, limited Sex to such an extant that it is in no way an expression of 2 people coming together to explore, assist and support themselves and their physical.  

If only I had the tools that I have now to assist and support myself and my partner, much of the experiences that I faced within my relationships with men, could be prevented and corrected as I now see, realize and understand why and how beings finds themselves addicted to Porn and what it is within them that they either Fear or perceive themselves to be lacking off which then, they would go into Porn.

 

Understand - we have the tendency to Judge that which we don't understand; to Judge people that are walking a different life path than how we think and perceive life should be lived; we judge the consequences of Porn for instance within our society; What we have missed and didn't realize is that Judgement is a reaction to a well known Problem but instead of getting to the root/source/core/origin of the problem, we would either ignore, suppress, hide and/or Deny; or we would focus all our attention to our reaction, not realizing that the reaction is nothing but a distraction to actually face the point we faced within and as ourselves. But there is another way - we could stand up and find Solutions to Prevent the Problem from re-emerge and/or Re-occur. This is what Desteni is all about - Prevention as the Ultimate Cure.

 

Thus, instead of Judging or Blame, Let's educate ourselves to Understand the Mind and what we have become as the Mind; let's Expand ourselves in getting to know how our mind works and functions to the nitty gritty details because once we'll know ourselves as the totality of our minds, we would understand and see directly the totality of the universal mind and would be able to Prevent Consequences instead of Judging them; we would be able to take responsibility instead of shifting responsibility. We would be able to assist and support others in showing them, what we have seen for ourselves. Our Process is of Prevention, and Porn for that matter - it is not about closing down the Porn industry, that will only cause more friction and conflict in people's mind as this is not a real and substantial solution but a cover up for the real/source/origin/core of the Problem. the Prevention for that matter would be Education, the Studies of the Mind within all the Layers of the mind so that one could see for oneself how and why one had developed and established a relationship to and towards Porn and accordingly, one would find it much more easy to realize oneself once one would understand the design that one had accepted and allowed oneself to exists within and as.

 

So, If you find yourself addicted to Porn, or if you are in a relationship where your partner is addicted to Porn, I suggest listening to this interview to assist and support you in getting to know yourself and/or your Partner as what drives one into developing and establishing a close relationship with Porn.

Developing Intimate sexual communication with Self - Day 151

 

 

Through educated myself regarding Sex and Sexuality with the support of listening to the 'What is Sex' series interviews as well as investigating for quiet awhile, in writing, my relationship to sex and sexuality, it is clear to me that the common problem within sex and sexuality today is lack of education that result with lack of communication in general and with one's partner in particular.

 

For myself, I've always felt embarrassed to discuss the point of sex - either with my partner nor my parents. With my girlfriends, it was more comfortable but more from the perspective of bragging about it so that I could be define by them as more than who they are and as a cool person.

 

And while writing the blog series - The Importance of Physical Communication - Day 148 I've realized how important it is to develop and establish an effective communication with human beings in our world as a whole and our partners in particular as they are the ones who are walking with and as us, every step of the way, throughout our processes.

 

As I was mentioning, I always felt ashamed to communicate my likes and dislikes with my partners. I felt that if I shared what I didn't like, they would see me as unfit sex partner and if I do share what I liked, they would judge me for my preferences and so, the entire sexual experience and our expression would be compromised. Only what I haven't realized was that by not communicating about my likes and dislikes, I was in fact compromising our relationship as well as sabotaging my human physical body to stand in alignment to what I perceived they would like me to express in the context of sex.

 

Another point that I've realized through walking the Agreements - Re-Defining Relationships course is that I have never had an intimate communication with myself regarding all aspects of my life, including sexuality and within that, there is no actual possible way to develop an intimate communication with a partner when the basic of my communication with myself was not effectively walked, investigated, explored and established.

 

It is obvious to me now, that lack of intimate relationship with self is a divertive of our social definitions of ourselves that is based on morality structure that was slowly but surly prompt into and as our minds by those who have come before us, generation after generation. The true History of Sex, Sexuality and masturbation is walked in details in the introduction to the 'What is Sex' Series as well as 'Shocking Secret of Masturbation' Series where it was explained how sex, sexuality and masturbation was first introduced to human civilization, why and how sex, sexuality and masturbation had evolved to how we define and see it nowadays without our current environment structure. In this, one can see for oneself, why and how sex, sexuality and masturbation were deliberately kept in secret inside our mind, what was the purpose/reasons for the above to remain secretive, shameful and private and therefor, what is the consequences of the sex/sexuality/masturbation evolution within and as our life and humanity as a whole.

 

The following blog entries would be with regards to communication within and as oneself as well as with one's partner, the reason why we have never established intimate communication with ourselves nor with our partners, the consequences of lack of communication, and of course - a practical solution to transform and change our relationship with ourselves and therefor, with our partner, to an intimate and communicated relationship that would support both parties to evolved and change themselves as a physical living human being as oppose to who we currently are - an organic robot that function on automated pilot in every moment of breath. 

 

Also, please watch the blog I’ve recorded yesterday – Journey To Life Review:

I am the most important person to my self - Journey To Life Review

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 6 - Day 147

 

 

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 4 - Day 145

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 5 - Day 146

 

I commit myself to SHOW that the decisions children and adults are making are always based on FEAR and to assist and support oneself in seeing, understanding and realizing the source of their fears in relation to each and every single decision one is about to make, so that the decision would be in fact based on What is best for oneself through the principle that what is best for self in self honesty is what's best for all.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that Despite of parents' intent to raise their kids to reach their utmost potential as a human being, unless the parent first clear one's starting point and standing in absolute self honesty, the parent would impose their fears onto their children which would result in ineffective decision making done by the child.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that when the parent speak to their children in fear, the sound in their words of fear would imprint into the child without any actual education process regarding of how to develop and establish an effective trust within oneself, in every moment of every breath and so, making decisions based on principle of what's best for all instead of making decisions that would result in one's self harm, abuse, sabotage and compromise.

 

I commit myself to SHOW to when the parents' control and limit their child's expression without walking with them the common sense educational process, the child would develop suppressed spite towards the parent and would make decisions that would be based on revenge of the parent with no consideration of the consequential outflows of their doing that may result in self abuse/compromise/harm/sabotage.

 

I commit myself to SUPPORT the youth with the understanding, seeing and realizing of who they are as a physical human being through sharing my own self investigation regarding my youth years and the decisions I've made that result in ineffective outflows and consequences that if I had the tools to assist and support myself back than, I would have had the chance to make decisions that would support me, my human physical body and this world as a whole and so, as I'm walking my correction in my journey to life writing, I'll stand as an example, as an educator, as a support for the youth and their parents in presenting the tools, the considerations and the support that we all required to be and become to manifest a world that is best for all, as who we are, as Life that is best for all.

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 4 - Day 145

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

 

Yesterday, I was touching briefly about the social influences that I've experienced within and as myself in relation to having multiple partners. Within this blog, I will go into more depth with regards to this point as I see that it had crucial effects on my decision making.

 

I remember at the age of 24, I was working in a fancy restaurant and all my co-workers were young, fine, cool, hot girls. It's like, when coming to the restaurant, you are coming to a fashion show. Literally. Off topic - there was an hair dresser that used to do for us hair style every night before work, our clothes where made by a designer.. Crazy shit man.

 

So anyway, for me it was a new experience; I came from a suburb city, my life were quite boring before I started working there, I didn't go to parties, I didn't care about clothes, I didn't care about being cool because as far as I've seen myself in the suburb, I was cool in my own way. I didn't feel like I'm missing out something because I didn't know what was out there - Parties, Drugs, alcohol, guys.. So for me, it was all new and I didn't know how to swallow everything when I encounter the Big City Life. I wanted everything - I wanted to party, drugs, alcohol, guys.. But inside me, I knew it wasn't me and for me to get those stuff, I must act like one of them, I must make new friends, I must fit it. it is not so easy to fit in when I've valued myself as unworthy, fat, not good enough in comparison to what I've seen in the "big city". (lol, if you'd know where I'm coming from, you'll laugh about what I define as a big city and what I define as a suburb). In the Suburb, you don't have to be all of those things to fit it.. So it was quite a ride by itself.

 

Ok so.. One day, all the girls were talking about sex, how much sex they do, with whom they are doing it, how good it is, how their hair style in their vagina is shaped. And I.. Didn't know what they were talking about, it was a shock to me. One of them told me - "the reason why you are not having sex is because you are not prepared for sex.. You haven't shaped your vagina hair".

 

And so, I became possessed about how I should look like down there, what man likes, what do I need to do to "prepare" myself for sex. Not even a moment, looking at the physical aspect within it all. Not ever considering who, why and what I am as sex. All I cared about was fitting in with my new environment and within it, do what ever it takes to be defined and seen as cool.

 

Within my next blog, I will be continuing with the self forgiveness process with regards to my ranting and raving here and once I'm done covering this point, unless I'd see another dimension with regards to multiple partners, I will start walking the process of change through practical corrective application.

 

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

 

A few days ago, I was listening to one of Anu's latest interviews: Reptilians - Justifying Control on the Premise of Unity - part 88 where he explained his motivation or trigger point of spiting the elders who he perceived to limit and control him when they didn't see eye to eye the future of existence. What I've realized in that moment is the relationship between parents and children and why is it that children will deliberately try to break their limitations by doing that which will contradict their upbringing and within that, a sense of spite would emerge within and as them.

 

And as I'm walking through the multiple partners in relation to sexual suppression dimension, a memory came up of my mother telling me: "When a girl is sleeping around, she is a slut, when a boy sleep around, he is a stud". In that moment, I made a decision which I wasn't aware yet at that time - I will prove her wrong.

 

I didn't accept the old fashion judgement of men are allowed to have sexual fun while the females are not allowed. It didn't make sense to me because for a men to have multiple partners, he must have a multiple partner lol. And so, it doesn't make sense that all his female's partner are a slut. I saw this statement by my mother to be faulty and old fashion. I saw it as something I shouldn't listen to and that I must have multiple sexual experiences to feel alive.

 

Obviously, I didn't see that my mother wants to protect me; I didn't see the common sense in what she was trying to tell me with regards to having multiple sexual partners vs. having a supportive agreement with One partner.

I guess, if she would have explained to me the time line, the reason, the common sense in having One partner where I can develop myself with, grow and empower myself, I might have listen to her back then as I would have been able seeing common sense for myself. What I did see was my mother's fear of what society would say about me, if I were to be one of those females who would have multiple sexual partners.

 

However, I didn't listen to her, and I developed another entity within our relationship - one entity that my mother would be proud of, as the perfect daughter, and one who is secretly doing what I shouldn't have been doing according to my upbringing.

 

What is clear to me today is that parents have no clue of how to raise their kids in common sense and as they try to control the children and raise them according to the parents' eyes view, they are in essence creating the exact opposite - rebellion kids that would do exactly what the parents don't want them to do. The kids would feel restrain, powerless and limited by their parents and would act it spite, to prove the parents wrong, to break off the limits that one is experiencing.

 

So the questions are - it is really wrong to have multiple partners? Is it because parents fear their neighbours to judge their children? How is it that beings are not educated to have a partner in agreement? Why is the media impulsing and stipulating the youth to have as many sexual experiences as possible? WHY and HOW we have accepted and allowed such secrecy around sex and sexuality and it is not part of the child's education process?

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

 

Some time during my childhood years, I heard someone judging one's parents for being only with each other since they were kids. This being said that he can't imagine having one partner throughout one's life time and said they have no idea what they have missed and whether or not their partner is a good sex partner because they do not have any reference point. Obviously, I was a child and didn't know what this being was saying.. But now, when walking my Journey into discovering my sexual suppressions and sexual patterns, I see, realize and understand that that very statement this being has made, imprinted into my flesh and from that moment onwards I've made the decision that I will never merry with my first sex partner and I will have multiple sexual experiences so that I know what sex is and what specifically a good sex is.

 

It is interesting how we fuck ourselves with making decisions that are based in fear, making decision without even being aware of our decisions being made; interesting the influences we are exposed to without having any tools to filter in common sense where the other beings as potential influences are in their own process.

 

So, I see now another dimension for why I've decided to break up from my first boyfriend before even having sex with him and it was because I knew, he cannot be the ONE. How can he be if I'm going to break up with him anyway because I wouldn't allow myself to be with the first guy I slept with.

 

And so, I've started my sexual journey - making sure my partners won't be the ONEs so that I can have sexual EXPERIENCES lol.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to never be and marry the first guy I was having sex with because I believed I would miss out sexual experiences without even being aware of what is it that I'm missing out. Within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to FEAR missing out if I marry the first partner I had because I wouldn't have any reference points with regards to sex and thus, I would end up regretting, having boring sex life and be frustrated when I realized I made a mistake that cannot be taken back.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to imprint someone's statements as one's opinions with regards to having one partner of multiple partners and accordingly, making the decision of having multiple partners so that I would make sure that before I settle in, I'll have many sexual experiences and I would be certain that my partner can satisfied me for as long as I live. I see, realize and understand how and why I've made the decision of having multiple sex partner throughout my life and how through one single statement another being has made, I have accepted and allowed myself to based life decisions with regards to sex, sexuality and my choices in partners.

 

In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define, connect, associate the idea of having one partner throughout one's life as having a boring, unsatisfied and frustrating relationship and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge people who had only had one partner in their life as boring which through this, I've made the decision to have as many sexual partner as possible before getting married so that I can be certain that I've experienced enough, I'm a cool person and no one would see me as boring human being.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how and why I have become my own enemy as I've disrespected myself to the extent of making decisions that do not support me and my human physical body but rather, support an idea that I've heard as a child that would stand within and as my decision that I've made as a child to not marry the first guy I was sleeping with.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself a world where the media stimulate and encourage beings to have multiple sexual experiences with various partners and within that, define those beings as cool while the others are boring and dorks. And in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where children are being supported in realizing why and how an agreement is the platform to experience and explore oneself as Sex, in self intimacy with oneself and one's partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must prove myself to my friends and show them how cool I am when sleeping around and having meaningless sex with partner that do not respect me in a direct relationship to how I didn't respect myself and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to need being validated by friends as cool through having sex with cool guys and I haven't realized how and why I've abused and sabotage myself within my own desire of wanting to feel belong.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assess my relationships through whether or not I had enough sexual experiences instead of assessing my relationships with males according to whether the relationship is supporting us both, in developing intimate and physical communication, exploring physical sexuality and coming together in agreement of individual and mutual assistance and support within our processes.

 

 

 

 

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Continuing to explore, investigate and see who, why and what I am as sex. For quite some time, I've been resisting walking my Agreement course due to "knowing" I would have to forgive myself for that which I've accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed on my past choices and partners. BUT - as I was walking my last few blogs, I've realized that the only one who judge me is myself because I haven't unconditionally forgiven myself. I used to take my past personally and feel regret and shame for the choices I've made. Now, I realize that what ever I've decide previously was only came from the patterns/characters/personalities that I've created throughout my life, in separation and deliberately blindness. So, why should I judge something I can change? I should I judge something I wasn't even aware I was responsible for? Why should I judge my own creation if I can recreate it? and so.. This topic had come - "Multiple Partners - Shame on you".

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I've chosen in my past and in that, perpetuating how powerless I am in standing and taking responsibility to stop recreating myself as an automated organic robot.

 

I now see, realize and understand that judging myself for the choices I've made is pointless and useless and I rather apply myself within the principle of what is best for all within the starting point of making the choices that would result with the best and utmost outcome for all.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself judging myself for the choices I've made in my past with regards to my partners, I stop, I breathe and I align myself to myself as my physical human body. I realize that continuing judging myself wouldn't change the fact that it was always me who made the decisions and it would always be me who makes decision in every moment of every breath and thus, I assist and support myself with aligning myself to what I've accepted and allowed within and as myself and accordingly, stand as the directive principle and change myself breath by breath, step by step, within and as that which is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my past as the choices I've made with regards to sex, sexuality and partners when and as I investigate the patterns/characters that I've accepted and allowed within and as myself. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself for taking the responsibility in assisting and supporting myself to change and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take that which I've become personally instead of realizing that I've created myself as a victim to my own programming but in every moment, there is a window of opportunity as breath, to stand up, change and stop recreating the consequences that I've continuously created throughout my life and in this, I am the one who decide.

 

I see, realize and understand that reacting to who I was in my past is pointless and useless because my past doesn't define me but Who I am within the decisions that I make breath by breath are the ones I would utilize to measure my self honesty in terms of my change and accordingly, in self honesty assess what points I require to go deeper when and as I see a thought/reaction that comes up in relation to my past within my relationship to sex, sexuality and my ex partners.

 

I commit myself to STOP reacting and taking myself personally as I see, realize and understand the programming that was involved and how I'm directly responsible for everything I've chosen throughout my life and thus, I commit myself to transform my reactions towards my past to moments of opportunities where I'm able to assist and support myself in seeing the pattern that played out, my responsibility within it and through a process of physical self forgiveness application, I assist and support myself in self honesty to release the energetic expression that I've become and stand as a physical expression as who I am in every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dirty for the choices I've made in my past with regards to sex, sexuality and partners and instead of realizing what led me to the choices I've made through walking the time line from the trigger point to the activation point through the end line and see the pattern that played out, I've disrespected myself by judging myself, believing that I'll become clean if I suppress my past and won't have sex for a while.

 

I see, realize and understand now that avoiding myself through suppression and denying myself physical sex is not a solution and as long as I won't sort myself out through a process of forgiveness in self honesty, I would always judge myself even if it's burry deep inside myself.

 

I commit myself to dig myself back to earth, to the physical reality, to myself, as I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress that which I've become through believing that if I won't think about it, I'll be ok. I now see, realize and understand that as long as I would accept and allow the past old programs that I've created and installed within and as my flesh to run in the back ground of my automated organic robotic life, I would repeat the same patterns again and again and again and thus, I commit myself to stop, take responsibility, apply myself, change myself and LIVE!

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look back at my life in shame for the choices I've made in relation to sex, sexuality and partners and I haven't realized that I can utilize the shame to support myself instead of diminishing myself through going back in time within writing the time lines and correct that which I see to be required for correction so that I could re-create myself as a physical living human being that walk in every moment of breath as that which is best for all if I allow myself to forgive myself and transform myself from energy vampire to physical best for all living application, breath by breath.

 

I see, realize and understand how and why I've used Shame to destroy myself, to diminish and disrespect myself and within that, haven't given myself a chance to correct Who I am within the choices I've made and thus, I see, realize and understand that I've abused and sabotaged myself through the experience of shame because I've not transform the shame into gift of self introspection from the starting point of assisting and supporting myself to change who and what I've become but rather used the experience of shame to enslave myself into self unworthiness that led to years of not being able to sustain a relationship because I haven't respected and trusted myself enough to be of worth to anything or anyone.

 

I commit myself to unconditionally forgive myself for my past actions, behaviour, patterns and to STOP the cycle of abuse and sabotage within and as myself by giving value to my past as that which defines me.

I realise that I've not defined by my past unless I decides to because I'm only the one who decide.

I realize that I've a window of opportunity to assist and support myself with stopping the cycle of self abuse and transform into and as a physical living human being that walk in every breath according to that which is best for all.

 

 

Sexual Journey - Regret as Fear of Loss - Day 136

Continuing with my investigation of what I've created from a simple point of Sex and Sexuality and created layers upon layers of Judgement, opinions, excuses which from all of which I've created and manifest my own religion - My Religion of Self.

 

An interesting point that I came to realize lately is the derivative of the Fear of Loss -> Regret.

As I am walking back in time, observing who I am or more specifically who I was throughout my relationship Journeys and as I see what I have accepted and allowed and how I made the decisions I made, a feeling of regret flooding within and as me when a memory comes up; the back chat is like: if only I would have done things differently, how would my life would turn out to be?; I did a huge mistake, I should have stayed in that relationship; it's too late now, he already has kids; no one would never love and respect me the way he did; How stupid was I? Why couldn't I see what I had in my hands; If only.. What if.. Is it too late?

 

At the moment I'm in Israel for a 2 weeks visit and all my past is now busy hunting me. I hear stories about a guy I was with, I see an article on the news paper with another guy I was with, I hear that my first boyfriend got married and have kids now, I hear that most of the people I was with are already settled in with homes, wives and babies and here I am.. Doing the opposite from every route my life could ever take me, living on a farm far away from my roots, busy with something that only a few dares of doing.. Am I doing the right thing?

Should I stay here and build myself a house in Israel and try to forget the journey that I've walked thus far?

 

OBVIOUSLY NOT! It is just another character that I've accepted and allowed myself to take myself into and for a moment, just for a tiny moment, allowed those back chat that revealed the point of REGRET as fear of lose.

It's quite cool to have those backchat to reveal to me what and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. It's quite cool to have a mirror, as my mind, to show me my deepest desires as the programming that I've programmed myself as throughout my life, with the assistance and support of my environment, culture, religion, family, friends, media etc.

 

What is clear now is - as long as I accept and allow those step backs into my past, as regret, I would never in fact LIVE as a physical human being because it is SOOOO easy to fall back into my back chat through the stipulation of memories and past experiences and unless I stand as the directive principle and Forgive myself for every inch of thought/feeling/emotions that I've automatically live, I've got no chance.

 

Regret is quite a bitchy character that I've created because it can so easily take one to self pity, self sorrow within the attempt that one would never start walking but would always remain enslave to one's past.

What was done was done and it is clear to me that I would have never be happy and satisfied with my life if I would have stayed ignorant and would never found the characters that I've created.

 

Like for example, the diminishment character that I've seen myself creating a while ago - that character would have played again and again within and as me, regardless of how my life would have turn out in any other scenario. I would keep comparing myself to everything and everyone and I would always find something to be jealous at, something to judge myself for, something to take myself down with no self value or respect.

I would probably compromise for a man that wouldn't support me in anyway to step out of my mind and I would be always always create myself as controlled, enslaved and dispower in absolute separation of myself. I would keep nodding and say I'm happy even though inside, I would have been miserable. I would praise and glorify my children despite the fact that they took over my life and all my worth is in making money, raise them and maybe, just maybe, would have enough to take myself into a vacation once in a while to try and achieve the desires I've installed within myself through what I hear/see in my environment.

 

So, Commonsensically, I cannot accept and allow those thoughts/feeling/emotions/reactions that arise from within me while walking my journey to LIFE as I see, realize and understand it is another self manipulation that I'm doing to myself so that I would give up and stop walking out from my mind and instead, scroll back into my mind, into enclosure, till I die and then… it's absolutely toooooo late.

 

Tomorrow - Self Forgiveness..

 

 

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

 

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

Sexual Education - Part 1 - Day 127

Sexual Education - Part 2 - Day 128

 

My Partner is Boring - Let's breakup - Day 129

This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130

My Partner IS BORING - Self Commitments - Day 131

 

Sexual Journey - Day 132

Sexual Journey - Early Adulthood years - Day 133

Sexual Journey - Early Adulthood years - Part 2 - Day 134

Sexual Journey - Early Adulthood years - Part 3 - Day 135

 

Sexual Journey - Day 132

 

 

So I'm continuing with my Journey into my Sex life lol.

 

It's quite fascinating how I have tried to avoid looking at sex, sexuality, relationships for so long and now when it's here, I can't stop writing and opening up more and more points.

It's like, going back in time, seeing the Time Line and there are points where I would go like: Ohhhhh, so this is what it was?! Now I understand myself better. And yet, there are many points to still go into, investigate, explore and within that, getting to know myself for the very first time. Getting to know how and why I've designed myself as my mind, why and how have I become what I had become, How and Why I had always repeated the same patters.

 

Frankly, I see now that unless I would walk this process, I would most likely to end up as a very depressed human being, never satisfied, never "complete" because I was consistently looking for MORE, while MORE and EVERYTHING was always here, Me though - I couldn't see.

 

My next Blog sessions would be about my first relationship with Sex and how from that moment, I've suppressed myself as Sex because I believed it was Wrong/forbidden as I was too young

Also, how and why I broke up with my first boyfriend to be able to explore my sexuality without no one ever finding out as I kept in secret and accordingly, when those partner became intimate with me, and express their feeling towards me - I backed off and broke up with them to be able to maintain the Drama in my life and seek for excitement with males that didn't give a fuck about me and all I was to them was a sexual partner that they can fuck and forget the next day, till they would be Horney again and I'll jump back to their bed for another night, for another adventure; everything to keep the energy going within and as myself.

 

Interesting enough, once I settled in with a partner, and started to discover what is intimacy to me, I pushed my partner to much until he broke up with me and I went to a new cycle where I've covered up my depression through sex and attempted to give myself value through the partners I chose to spent time with.

 

So you see, my choices with regards to partners were always fucked up and I either used sex to forget how miserable I felt inside myself, or I used Sex to gain my value or I used sex to break the chains that I felt my home environment chained me to; not once, my starting point was to explore, investigate and get to know myself as Sex. Not once, my starting point was to establish and agreement with myself and my partner to support each other with and through communication, intimacy and sex.

 

This is why this process is so Awesome because it is always about the starting point and once I redefine the point and change the starting point, I rebirth a part of myself.. And so, slowly but surely we would rebirth as the physical as we step out of our mind through a process of writing, self Forgiveness in self honesty and self corrective statements, walking through the layers of the mind, getting to know our own programming so that we could take responsibility and CHANGE.

 

So, let's see where from the SF I would take me..

 

Also, I suggest listening to:

What is Sex - Who am I as Sex - Part 30

What is Sex - Why am I as Sex - Part 31

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

 

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

Sexual Education - Part 1 - Day 127

Sexual Education - Part 2 - Day 128

 

My Partner is Boring - Let's breakup - Day 129

This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130

My Partner IS BORING - Self Commitments - Day 131

Sex Education - Part 1 - Day 127

This is a continuation to:

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

 

Also, I suggest listening to:

What is Sex - Who am I as Sex - Part 30

What is Sex - Why am I as Sex - Part 31

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to form, construct and build ideas and opinions about Sex within and as myself and accordingly, have decided to live these ideas in separation of me. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the relationship between my mind and the physical wherein, I've been constructing, forming and building ideas, perceptions, opinions and beliefs about Sex and Sexuality and accordingly, have decided to limit myself according to these ideas/opinions/beliefs/perceptions, not ever considering or questioning Who I am as Sex, Why I am as Sex and What is Sex to me, to be able to transform the Mind Sex expression into and as a physical expression once I take the responsibility and change my starting point within and as my expression as Sex and Sexuality.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be, become and stand in equality and oneness with myself, my body and my partner when and as having sex because I've been too busy in my mind, worrying about my physical appearance, my performance, comparison, judgement, etc and in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to STOP my mind as my thoughts, judgement, comparison and fears when and as having sex, so that I could express WHO I AM as Sex, as touch, Here, in equality and oneness as myself, my body and my partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself to such an extent when and as having sex, as I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my mind, as thoughts, judgements, concerns, comparisons, etc. and in this, NOT accepting and allowing myself to MOVE myself, as touch, Here, exploring myself as Sex, in breath to discover, explore, investigate and find, Who I am as Sex, Why I am as Sex and What is Sex to me.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to question and consider Who/Why I am in sex, what is my starting point in having sex, what was the trigger point that led me to sex, what picture have I seen that accordingly I have decided how to position myself in sex. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where Sex education is not been taught and essentially, kids are left alone to discover their sexuality with no preparation nor guideness to assist and support themselves, from the get go, to develop and establish an effective agreements that are based on mutual guidelines to ensure the utmost potential of the partners growth and expansion of themselves, each other and accordingly, this world as a whole.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where Children are left to learn about sex and sexuality through the Media that infuse, implant and impulse ideas about sex and sexuality wherein with no tangible and specific and direct explanation and guideness, the children develop all sorts of ideas about sex, in their mind wherein later on, they would go for it without considering who/why they are as sex, who/why their partner as sex and accordingly, would abuse one another to be able to attain and sustain their ideas they have created in their mind, disregarding their human physical bodies as well as the consequences thereof.

 

I commit myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to communicate about my Sexual preference, about what I would like to investigate and explore within and as sex, with my partner, yet alone with myself and therefor, have accepted and allowed myself to follow my mind and becoming disappointed of my sexual experiences, not seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no way of having sexual experience that is based on fantasy/illusion that I've created in my mind without communicating with my partner and deciding together what we would do, explore, investigate within and as ourselves when having sex and within that, changing the starting point of mind sex into a physical sex with full consideration of ourselves and our human physical body.

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120