Pornography Messed up my Sex Life - Life Review - Day 238

 

A few days ago, I listened to the Interview - Pornography Messed up my Sex Life - Live Review and I found it fascinating in understanding the Minds of those who are addicted to Porn - the ins and out of the Design of the Addiction to Porn and what is it that these people are actually facing within and as themselves.

 

While walking my Process of writing and taking on the Point of Relationships and Sex, I've seen how with some of the partners that I've been with, which were addicted to Porn, the Relationship couldn't stand because I took it Personally and was sure that the reason why the relationship didn't stand was because of my performance in bed. And holly fuck, it is so absurd that we've turn Sex to Performance and within that, limited Sex to such an extant that it is in no way an expression of 2 people coming together to explore, assist and support themselves and their physical.  

If only I had the tools that I have now to assist and support myself and my partner, much of the experiences that I faced within my relationships with men, could be prevented and corrected as I now see, realize and understand why and how beings finds themselves addicted to Porn and what it is within them that they either Fear or perceive themselves to be lacking off which then, they would go into Porn.

 

Understand - we have the tendency to Judge that which we don't understand; to Judge people that are walking a different life path than how we think and perceive life should be lived; we judge the consequences of Porn for instance within our society; What we have missed and didn't realize is that Judgement is a reaction to a well known Problem but instead of getting to the root/source/core/origin of the problem, we would either ignore, suppress, hide and/or Deny; or we would focus all our attention to our reaction, not realizing that the reaction is nothing but a distraction to actually face the point we faced within and as ourselves. But there is another way - we could stand up and find Solutions to Prevent the Problem from re-emerge and/or Re-occur. This is what Desteni is all about - Prevention as the Ultimate Cure.

 

Thus, instead of Judging or Blame, Let's educate ourselves to Understand the Mind and what we have become as the Mind; let's Expand ourselves in getting to know how our mind works and functions to the nitty gritty details because once we'll know ourselves as the totality of our minds, we would understand and see directly the totality of the universal mind and would be able to Prevent Consequences instead of Judging them; we would be able to take responsibility instead of shifting responsibility. We would be able to assist and support others in showing them, what we have seen for ourselves. Our Process is of Prevention, and Porn for that matter - it is not about closing down the Porn industry, that will only cause more friction and conflict in people's mind as this is not a real and substantial solution but a cover up for the real/source/origin/core of the Problem. the Prevention for that matter would be Education, the Studies of the Mind within all the Layers of the mind so that one could see for oneself how and why one had developed and established a relationship to and towards Porn and accordingly, one would find it much more easy to realize oneself once one would understand the design that one had accepted and allowed oneself to exists within and as.

 

So, If you find yourself addicted to Porn, or if you are in a relationship where your partner is addicted to Porn, I suggest listening to this interview to assist and support you in getting to know yourself and/or your Partner as what drives one into developing and establishing a close relationship with Porn.

How to Deal with the Cheater in one's Mind - Day 235

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

 

So, as described yesterday, I will be walking the Design of Being a Cheater in my Mind and going after those that are Unavailable for a relationship in much more details from what I have walked thus far.

Specifically here, I will be looking at the story I shared yesterday where a guy from my past contacted me recently and apparently, the short communication we had was enough to activate all sorts of memories from our past together.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Fear Relationships but at the Same time, Desire for Sex and the Experience of having Sex Relationship gives me, through which I could defined myself as More than who I am, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the need to define myself as More through external forces is to suppress and ignore the Inner Experience and self definition of being inadequate, insecure and inferior that I've accepted, allowed and created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Experience Guilt when having a relationship with a male who has a partner because within and as me, I knew I would be accountable for the consequences that may emerge however, through Guilt, as a Design, I could define myself as "Moral" and "CONsiderate" while my physical actions implied otherwise and so, Through Guilt, I could suppress and ignore that which I've accepted and allowed myself to walk in misalignment to the principle of 'Do onto others that which you'd like to be done to you' and thus, not taking responsibility for myself and change my living application to an application that I would respect within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the Core/Source/Origion/Reason for why and how I've programmed and designed myself to Define and Experience myself within myself as Insecure, Inadequate and Inferior to the extent of having to look for these the Balanced components out side of myself through physical actions that my Harm other people but would temporary satisfied my Inner Experience with an Outer Experience of being More than another as I was the one the male have chosen to be with.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself why it is Ok to be with a guy that is having a partnership with another through shifting my responsibility as a human being to the guys, not understanding that my justification is a source of all evil - the Desire for Sex that override any form of basic common sense.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as Sexual being when I'm around attractive guys that are in a relationship so that they could secretly Yearn to be with me and thus, I would deliberately entice them to see me as a forbidden fruit they must attain till they make 'the move' and I could justify it for myself that it is their responsibility and I had nothing to do with it.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself when and as I accepted and allowed the Experience of Excitement when and as a guy that is in a relationship with another expressed his secret mind thoughts about me wherein, the nature of the excitement that I had experience was a momentary self satisfaction of feeling More than another, More than I had defined myself as and within that excitement, I had completely ignored the principle of Love your neighbours as yourself and do to others that which you'd like to be done onto you because in that moment of excitement, I had accepted and allowed myself to follow my Mind within my own self interest desire for Sex while disregarding and disrespecting the other human beings that are involved while I could have stopped myself, clear and change myself and stand as a pillar of support, both directly to the guy and indirectly to his partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've manipulated myself through accessing Guilt within and as myself where my mind would go off and think about the guy's partner and how it is not cool that he does such things while all along, I was the one who was responsible in how I was directly involved in seducing the guy into Cheating, either in their mind or physically and how I am the one who is able to stand in absolute self honesty and stability in being able to assist and support the guy to see, realize and understand the design they had accepted and allowed within and as themselves in being able to accordingly take responsibility and change themselves.

 

I commit myself to Stop, when and as I see myself accessing Guilt as I see now that Guilt as a design manifested within and as ourselves when and as there is something we are not willing to sort out, take responsibility and correct and the fact of the matter is that Guilt is Self Manipulation that would keep on Preoccupied in one's backchat and internal conversation instead taking responsibility for what one had accepted and allowed within and as oneself in separation of oneself.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that the Desire for Sex is so overwhelming and if one accept and allow oneself to direct and move oneself based on the Desire for Sex, one would disregard the consequences, self respect and would be willing to abuse oneself and another as the Desire for Sex Override any form of Common Sense.

 

I commit myself to STOP the Desire for Sex as well as the Fear of being in an Intimate and supportive Relationship/Agreement as I see, realize and understand now where I would take myself and others through the Desire and Fear and the consequences therefore.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW that any justification for why it is Ok having sex relationships with another human beings that has a partner is done from the starting point of the Desire for sex and not as a real self support and the support of others.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that having these justification implies that one is not standing stable within and as oneself as how one had defined oneself as insecure, inadequate and inferior through which one would believe one require sex with a partner that already has a partner to balance the inner experience with an external experience which within that, one isn't considering one's responsibility towards oneself and others within the principle of do to others that which you'd like to be done to you.

 

I commit myself to when and as a guy that is having a relationship approach me within the starting point of having me as the forbidden fruit to not accept and allow myself to engage and follow the desire but rather stand in self stability, breath and direct the moment effectively as I see, realize and understand my responsibility within it and the power I have to stand as a support instead of an abuser. 

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

As I've mentioned in the Blog Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship, I had the tendency in my past to find myself attracted mostly to the unavailable males. What start as "innocence communication" and getting to know the being, ended up in a secret sexual relationships.

 

This specific Relationship that I'll be walking here is one of these relationships that lasted for a while, on and off. It all started 11 years ago, when I met a couple when I was traveling somewhere in the world. We spent a few days together and we split up to different directions however, we decided that a few months later, when the female returned to Israel, I'll be joining to  the male along with another friend of his. As was agreed by all parties, I joined the guys for a month and a half and we travelled around, the 3 of us together. What I didn't know at that stage was that there was a secret agreement between the couple that when she will not be there, he could be with me. Till this day I have no idea why none of them told me about this agreement at that point but only years later - which I will get to as I continue writing.

 

So, you know.. Traveling overseas, sleeping in small joint rooms and being all day and night together leads to sexual relationships in most cases. However, his friend was there and innocent me, believed that he doesn't know about us fooling around and this all secretive thing attracted me even more because it was like we had this special bond that only he and I were aware of. During all this time I knew it was a temporary thing because he has a partner and I also liked his partner and didn't want to harm the relationship. Interestingly enough, the guilt wasn't that extensive while we were traveling - the guilt emerged when we were back in Israel.

 

And so, this journey ended - he returned to Israel and I continued to travel with his friends and couple more friends that we met during the way. His friend and I, never discussed what had happened between his friend and I, as if none of it existed and we were simply 3 people, traveling together but there was always this tension between us. he was angry at me for being with his friend and I didn't want to face it by talking about it.

 

When I returned to Israel, I started a new life - met new people, got into the Alcohol and Parties arena and was more 'free butterfly' in comparison to how I used to be, before the 6 months trip in the world that I did.

I got a phone call one day from the guy I was with in a secretive relationship and he told me that he moved to a city close to where I lived and that he wants to meet me. I don't remember the exact details but I met him and we initially became close again, no sex. He started being more consistent in his approach towards me and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I knew his girlfriend is now in the same country as we were and I justified it to myself that it isn't right.

 

One night, we went to a party together and for a moment, we split up. I went to talk to my bartender friends while he went to put my bag in the storage room. Without anyone noticing it, (and till this day I don't know what happened), someone put something in my drink. Any way, as the guy came towards the bar to meet me, I fainted. After a few moments I woke up and I was no longer standing were I stood, I was on the way out with the guy assistance and support. However, in the moment after I fainted again and when I woke up, we were at the entrance of the storage room to take my bag and go home. We finally went out but yet again, I fainted on the middle of the road. Next thing that I remember was us two sitting near the party place, stabilizing my physical as he was holding me, hugging me and taking care of me. Once I was stable again, he kissed me. I took a step back and asked him to stop. This is when he told me the secret agreement that he had with his partner back then, when we were in the overseas, in trying to convince me that it is ok for us to fool around. I didn't accept it and as he pushed more, I resisted more and started experiencing resentment towards him. A few days or weeks after, we met again, after he had promise me that he won't kiss me or try to do anything. However, within me, I really wanted to have sex with him and so we did.  After we had sex, the guilt started to take over because now, I knew within and as myself that I'm responsible, that I did something that I shouldn't do and that I cannot justify myself by saying to myself: "but hey - you are not the one who has a partner, it is his responsibility". I was on my way to get out and leave but before I left, I told him that this must stop and we cannot do this again. If necessary, we won't meet again.

Then he told me that he loves me, that he fell in love with me and that he is leaving his partner if I'll take him.

But me, scared as hell of being intimate for real with another and within that, being in a relationship that might hold for more than a few months, I told him that he doesn't love me, he loves his partner and that he should forget about me and move back to the city he came from where she is. For years later I felt regret that I didn't follow this through because this guy, was a guy to bring home lol. But that is another design that I will write about in another blog.

 

When he told me he loved me, I became completely frightened. I was shocked and my only reaction was - " 'WTF' it cannot be real, it is wrong, no, I cannot allow it." Obviously, I didn't investigate my reactions back then and I simply ignored all of that. So, to be able to face this in terms of suppressing the experience, I started having hatred feelings towards him as if he is so bad for doing this to his partner, not seeing my responsibility within it. and so, I don't think I ever saw him again, we might spoke on the phone one time, by chance, when a friend of mine figured out years later that her co-worker knows me so she called me from work and he took the phone from her. I think that was when he told me that him and his partner are getting married.

 

A few weeks ago, he contacted me. He told me that so much had happened and that he wanted to share with me. I was sure that he either has kids or that they broke up. the thought about him having kids was like a pin in my heart and the thought of them no longer together was like an inner excitement, like maybe now we can set things right. Apparently, they do not have kids but they are still together lol.

 

Then, I got another E-mail from him, telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me for the last 2 weeks and that he told his co-workers about me and the other friend that were traveling with us and how he would like to hug me like old time style. (the time we were together overseas).

 

I reacted to this - first within excitement as if I still have influence on him, because he still have secret thoughts about me, that he remembers me and that if I only want to, he would leave his partner. Then, when I reminded myself that I've walked through the design of me wanting those who are unavailable, the why and how I have accepted and allowed myself in the past to participate in the design and what are the consequences, I initially felt ashamed for participating within the energy experience of excitement when reading his words and seeing his expression in my mind saying these words, then I moved into Guilt within the back chat of - what if she reads this e-mail? I don't want to be responsible for their brake up, I don't want this to start all over again, and then I moved to Anger which I projected towards him. I wrote him back that I really hope that he isn't doing anything in that nature with anyone else because he is married now. I didn't hear from him since.

 

The next day, I started investigating my reactions, my emotions and feelings and why and how this point presented itself again. How is it that despite of me seeing the design, I still invite it into my life and still not standing up and directing myself effectively in not accepting and allowing this kind of shit within me and this world. I felt guilty for this point having to present itself again for me to face and correct myself while I influence other people lives and within that messes up their life.

I was reminded then that the only thing I must focus on is me, and my responsibility within it all. What ever they are going through, is their process to walk because as long as I haven't sorted out myself, I wouldn't be able to stand as a support for them.

 

 

Will continue sharing my investigation and correction in my next blog

 

 

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 6 - Day 147

 

 

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 4 - Day 145

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 5 - Day 146

 

I commit myself to SHOW that the decisions children and adults are making are always based on FEAR and to assist and support oneself in seeing, understanding and realizing the source of their fears in relation to each and every single decision one is about to make, so that the decision would be in fact based on What is best for oneself through the principle that what is best for self in self honesty is what's best for all.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that Despite of parents' intent to raise their kids to reach their utmost potential as a human being, unless the parent first clear one's starting point and standing in absolute self honesty, the parent would impose their fears onto their children which would result in ineffective decision making done by the child.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that when the parent speak to their children in fear, the sound in their words of fear would imprint into the child without any actual education process regarding of how to develop and establish an effective trust within oneself, in every moment of every breath and so, making decisions based on principle of what's best for all instead of making decisions that would result in one's self harm, abuse, sabotage and compromise.

 

I commit myself to SHOW to when the parents' control and limit their child's expression without walking with them the common sense educational process, the child would develop suppressed spite towards the parent and would make decisions that would be based on revenge of the parent with no consideration of the consequential outflows of their doing that may result in self abuse/compromise/harm/sabotage.

 

I commit myself to SUPPORT the youth with the understanding, seeing and realizing of who they are as a physical human being through sharing my own self investigation regarding my youth years and the decisions I've made that result in ineffective outflows and consequences that if I had the tools to assist and support myself back than, I would have had the chance to make decisions that would support me, my human physical body and this world as a whole and so, as I'm walking my correction in my journey to life writing, I'll stand as an example, as an educator, as a support for the youth and their parents in presenting the tools, the considerations and the support that we all required to be and become to manifest a world that is best for all, as who we are, as Life that is best for all.

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 5 - Day 146

 

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 4 - Day 145

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand how and why I've been accepting and allowing self sabotage/compromise/abuse through a decision I've made in the moment of interaction with my new group of friends where we were discussing about Sex and within that, I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate why and how I've made that decision and whether this decision would support me in any way whatsoever.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prefer fitting in a specific group and within that, have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, abuse and sabotage me as my human physical body because I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to respect myself enough to stand in absolute self trust, the same as yesterday today and tomorrow, but instead, I've made the decision to do what ever it takes for me to feel belong and accepted by group of beings.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that having Sex would result with being accepted by a group of friends that would see me as Equals when I'm acting/behaving like one of them. within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of those relationship with those women and whether or not, my relationship with them would be a supportive relationship that would result with me discovering and becoming the utmost potential I can be as a human being.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give Value to my stance in a specific group of friends and within that, have accepted and allowed myself to compromise/sabotage/abuse myself as my human physical body with the choices I made in order to fit in and be accepted by others. Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to value and accept me, as who I am, in any given moment and thus, had required to be accepted by others to define me as worthy of being in their presence.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the relationship between my experience before I discovered the 'big city' and the decisions that I've made after I moved to the 'big city' and thus, I've NOT seen that my choices/decisions that I've made were because I've defined the place that I came from and the life that I had as boring and accordingly, wanted to do all the things I believed I missed out thus far due to the limitation I had felt in my home environment in terms of what is allowed and what isn't allowed and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself in that moment of discussing with the new friends about Sex, to define my previous girl friends as boring and nerds which I didn't want to be associate with and essentially, wanted to join the new group of girls that would make me feel alive, not considering the things I would have to do in order to fit in and the consequences of my decisions.

Sexual Journey - Regret as Fear of Loss - Day 136

Continuing with my investigation of what I've created from a simple point of Sex and Sexuality and created layers upon layers of Judgement, opinions, excuses which from all of which I've created and manifest my own religion - My Religion of Self.

 

An interesting point that I came to realize lately is the derivative of the Fear of Loss -> Regret.

As I am walking back in time, observing who I am or more specifically who I was throughout my relationship Journeys and as I see what I have accepted and allowed and how I made the decisions I made, a feeling of regret flooding within and as me when a memory comes up; the back chat is like: if only I would have done things differently, how would my life would turn out to be?; I did a huge mistake, I should have stayed in that relationship; it's too late now, he already has kids; no one would never love and respect me the way he did; How stupid was I? Why couldn't I see what I had in my hands; If only.. What if.. Is it too late?

 

At the moment I'm in Israel for a 2 weeks visit and all my past is now busy hunting me. I hear stories about a guy I was with, I see an article on the news paper with another guy I was with, I hear that my first boyfriend got married and have kids now, I hear that most of the people I was with are already settled in with homes, wives and babies and here I am.. Doing the opposite from every route my life could ever take me, living on a farm far away from my roots, busy with something that only a few dares of doing.. Am I doing the right thing?

Should I stay here and build myself a house in Israel and try to forget the journey that I've walked thus far?

 

OBVIOUSLY NOT! It is just another character that I've accepted and allowed myself to take myself into and for a moment, just for a tiny moment, allowed those back chat that revealed the point of REGRET as fear of lose.

It's quite cool to have those backchat to reveal to me what and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. It's quite cool to have a mirror, as my mind, to show me my deepest desires as the programming that I've programmed myself as throughout my life, with the assistance and support of my environment, culture, religion, family, friends, media etc.

 

What is clear now is - as long as I accept and allow those step backs into my past, as regret, I would never in fact LIVE as a physical human being because it is SOOOO easy to fall back into my back chat through the stipulation of memories and past experiences and unless I stand as the directive principle and Forgive myself for every inch of thought/feeling/emotions that I've automatically live, I've got no chance.

 

Regret is quite a bitchy character that I've created because it can so easily take one to self pity, self sorrow within the attempt that one would never start walking but would always remain enslave to one's past.

What was done was done and it is clear to me that I would have never be happy and satisfied with my life if I would have stayed ignorant and would never found the characters that I've created.

 

Like for example, the diminishment character that I've seen myself creating a while ago - that character would have played again and again within and as me, regardless of how my life would have turn out in any other scenario. I would keep comparing myself to everything and everyone and I would always find something to be jealous at, something to judge myself for, something to take myself down with no self value or respect.

I would probably compromise for a man that wouldn't support me in anyway to step out of my mind and I would be always always create myself as controlled, enslaved and dispower in absolute separation of myself. I would keep nodding and say I'm happy even though inside, I would have been miserable. I would praise and glorify my children despite the fact that they took over my life and all my worth is in making money, raise them and maybe, just maybe, would have enough to take myself into a vacation once in a while to try and achieve the desires I've installed within myself through what I hear/see in my environment.

 

So, Commonsensically, I cannot accept and allow those thoughts/feeling/emotions/reactions that arise from within me while walking my journey to LIFE as I see, realize and understand it is another self manipulation that I'm doing to myself so that I would give up and stop walking out from my mind and instead, scroll back into my mind, into enclosure, till I die and then… it's absolutely toooooo late.

 

Tomorrow - Self Forgiveness..

 

 

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

 

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

Sexual Education - Part 1 - Day 127

Sexual Education - Part 2 - Day 128

 

My Partner is Boring - Let's breakup - Day 129

This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130

My Partner IS BORING - Self Commitments - Day 131

 

Sexual Journey - Day 132

Sexual Journey - Early Adulthood years - Day 133

Sexual Journey - Early Adulthood years - Part 2 - Day 134

Sexual Journey - Early Adulthood years - Part 3 - Day 135

 

Sexual Journey - Early Adulthood years - Day 133

 

 

This is a continuation to:

Sexual Journey - Day 132

 

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how and why I've started to suppress my sexuality when I had a relationship with my first boyfriend wherein, I feared having sex with him because I feared my parents reactions and accordingly, have decided to break up, within the excuses that this relationship is boring and started my sexual journey with men that I can be with without my parents knowledge through continuing lying to them about where I am.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to break up with my first partner because I feared having sex with him as I assumed my parents would know about it and therefor, decided to break up with him and find other adventure that I can have without anyone know about it.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to stop abusing myself with the men that I dated for a sexual experience as I've had sex from a starting point of breaking the rules and do what I'm not allowed to, instead of focusing on establishing a supportive relationship where sex is used for a physical support.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that I've made the connection between relationship and sex and because I wasn't allowed to have sex at this stage, I've define this relationship as boring because being in a relationship without sex is boring according to my eye's view at that point.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself with my sexuality through hiding and not having direct and effective communication about it with my parents and therefor, every time I had sex, I believed I'm bad, doing something wrong and within that, limited my sexual expression as I was busy in my mind, never considering sex as support for myself as my human physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assume that my parents will react to me having sex and therefor, I've decided to not share and communicate that point of sex with my parents because I felt ashamed and guilty and those feelings/emotions had emerged every time I had sex and therefor, I haven't allowed myself to fully commit to sex in terms of being Here, within me as my physical body but rather spent time in my mind, assessing what would I say to my parents later on, when I come home.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating sex and relationship with my parents because I defined them as "old fashion" and accordingly, I have accepted and allowed myself to try and figure out what is sex by myself, with no guideness, always fearing that my parents would find out and I'll have to communicate with them, in reaction.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the relationship between the fear of my parents' reactions about me having sex that I've created within and as myself and my sexual experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to form and design my sexuality based on fear of my parents that I've created within and as myself, without ever communicate the point with them and within that, never seen, realize and understand the consequences that I would manifest through this unreal fear.

 

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that my motivation as a young adult to have sex is because it wasn't allowed and forbidden and within my attempts to break the roles of my society and to push through my limits, I went and had sex with someone I haven't yet establish a supportive communication within a stable relationship and thus, the day after, I broke up with him due to massive amount of shame and guilt because if I would to continue my relationship with him, I had to tell my parents and I feared their reactions

 

Also, I suggest listening to:

What is Sex - Who am I as Sex - Part 30

What is Sex - Why am I as Sex - Part 31

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

 

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

Sexual Education - Part 1 - Day 127

Sexual Education - Part 2 - Day 128

 

My Partner is Boring - Let's breakup - Day 129

This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130

My Partner IS BORING - Self Commitments - Day 131

 

 

Sexual Journey - Day 132

 

 

So I'm continuing with my Journey into my Sex life lol.

 

It's quite fascinating how I have tried to avoid looking at sex, sexuality, relationships for so long and now when it's here, I can't stop writing and opening up more and more points.

It's like, going back in time, seeing the Time Line and there are points where I would go like: Ohhhhh, so this is what it was?! Now I understand myself better. And yet, there are many points to still go into, investigate, explore and within that, getting to know myself for the very first time. Getting to know how and why I've designed myself as my mind, why and how have I become what I had become, How and Why I had always repeated the same patters.

 

Frankly, I see now that unless I would walk this process, I would most likely to end up as a very depressed human being, never satisfied, never "complete" because I was consistently looking for MORE, while MORE and EVERYTHING was always here, Me though - I couldn't see.

 

My next Blog sessions would be about my first relationship with Sex and how from that moment, I've suppressed myself as Sex because I believed it was Wrong/forbidden as I was too young

Also, how and why I broke up with my first boyfriend to be able to explore my sexuality without no one ever finding out as I kept in secret and accordingly, when those partner became intimate with me, and express their feeling towards me - I backed off and broke up with them to be able to maintain the Drama in my life and seek for excitement with males that didn't give a fuck about me and all I was to them was a sexual partner that they can fuck and forget the next day, till they would be Horney again and I'll jump back to their bed for another night, for another adventure; everything to keep the energy going within and as myself.

 

Interesting enough, once I settled in with a partner, and started to discover what is intimacy to me, I pushed my partner to much until he broke up with me and I went to a new cycle where I've covered up my depression through sex and attempted to give myself value through the partners I chose to spent time with.

 

So you see, my choices with regards to partners were always fucked up and I either used sex to forget how miserable I felt inside myself, or I used Sex to gain my value or I used sex to break the chains that I felt my home environment chained me to; not once, my starting point was to explore, investigate and get to know myself as Sex. Not once, my starting point was to establish and agreement with myself and my partner to support each other with and through communication, intimacy and sex.

 

This is why this process is so Awesome because it is always about the starting point and once I redefine the point and change the starting point, I rebirth a part of myself.. And so, slowly but surely we would rebirth as the physical as we step out of our mind through a process of writing, self Forgiveness in self honesty and self corrective statements, walking through the layers of the mind, getting to know our own programming so that we could take responsibility and CHANGE.

 

So, let's see where from the SF I would take me..

 

Also, I suggest listening to:

What is Sex - Who am I as Sex - Part 30

What is Sex - Why am I as Sex - Part 31

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

 

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

Sexual Education - Part 1 - Day 127

Sexual Education - Part 2 - Day 128

 

My Partner is Boring - Let's breakup - Day 129

This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130

My Partner IS BORING - Self Commitments - Day 131