Melancholia after Break Up Continued - Day 174

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

Melancholia after a Break Up - Day 173

 

I Commit myself to Remind myself that going on and on in my mind, looping around memories, trying to figuring out what I've done wrong and how I can correct myself is impractical and thus, when and as I see myself accessing my mind, perpetuating the Sadness that I've accepted and allowed within and as myself to immediately STOP, BEATHE and Literally bring myself back here, to and as my human physical body and utilize the 4 Count breath if necessary till the Energy dissipate and I'm clear and stable within and as myself. Within this, I commit myself to assist and support myself in seeing the nature of the Melancholia, My Starting point and the Hidden Desire that activated the point through writing, SF and Practical Corrective Actions.

 

I Commit myself to Remind myself that accessing Melancholic mode and within that, accepting and allowing Melancholia to become my entire existence is unacceptable as I see, realize and understand that through allowing myself to become Melancholic, I accept and allow myself to give up on myself through separating myself to such an extent of believing myself to be so Sad and that this sadness is real, not seeing, realizing and understanding that for my mind, this Sadness is a good thing as the mind consume the energy that is busy manifesting when accepting and allowing sadness to exists within and as me. Thus, When and as I see myself accessing Melancholic depression, I stop, I breathe, I'm HERE. I remind myself that what I've accepted and allowed within and as myself is just Energy and that WHO I AM is not Energy. Therefor, I stand up, Shake the Energy off of me, Letting it go and aligning myself with and as my human physical body, in one Breath.

 

I Commit myself to NEVER AGAIN justify and reasoning why it is OK for me to take a moment and break down, why it is OK for me to access Melancholia and Why it is fine to feel those Negative Emotions inside of me. I see, realize and understand that I am always the ONE who Decide and it would be only me who Decide to either accept and allow Melancholia or stand up, Breath and let the Energy go within seeing that accepting and allowing the energy possession to control me and my entire human body is in no way supporting myself nor my body.

 

I Commit myself to Never again abuse and sabotage myself to satisfied my Preprogramed desires as I now see, realize and understand that placing Value in these Desires is Directly and Indirectly stating that I have No respect for myself and when I don't have respect for myself, I do not have respect for LIFE.

 

I Commit myself to Show how Melancholia is a Mind Controlled State where a being is abdicating one's responsibility towards oneself and one's world and that within that, one ALWAYS have the power to Decide what one will accept and allow and what one won't.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW the relationship between Melancholia after a break up and the Media as Magazines, Fairy Tale movies, Books and Story and how through the Media, humanity had become control to their own Minds to the extent of abusing themselves and their human physical body within the Belief that it is human Nature to experience Melancholia after a break up because that is what promoted in the Media.

Melancholia after a Break Up - Day 173

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to break down after a break up from my partner for an extensive period of time where all I could think about was what have I done wrong and how was it possible that we broke up because everything was so perfect and in that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to spend hours in my mind, going back and forth throughout all the memories that I had with him, in the attempt to figure out how can I correct it and make him to change his mind.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access Melancholic experience after the break up to the extent of not going out of bed for almost 4 days and in that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself during the time in bed, to think again and again and again, in my mind, about our last moment together of him leaving the house and not looking back while I'm lying on the floor as if the end of the world had arrived and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through rapidity going over this moment in my mind, to perpetuate my emotions and re-live the experience, not seeing, realizing and understanding that despite of what had happened, I'm still here, I remain and to continue participating in the mind is not practical assistance and support that I'm able to gift to myself, to come down to this physical reality, take a breath and simply be here - continue walking, breath by breath, step by step.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel like my entire human physical body is tearing apart after the break up, as if someone took my stomach and turn is back and forth, up and down and pushing it in and out. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to instead of questioning and investigating the nature of my experience and why and how I'm deliberately creating this experience, I've accepted and allowed the experience as if it was me, as if it was real and in that justify why I'm allowed to be in agony because after all - I was just been dump by the love of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having the experience of melancholia for so long because others had told me that: "Yes, it takes time but not that much time, Maya, it's time to stop this" and within that, instead of assisting and supporting myself to step out of the experience that I've created within and as my mind and believed so much that it was all real, I've closed myself at home, allowing sadness to take total control over me and slowly but surely let my friendship relationships slip away because my friends couldn't support my existence in melancholia which I so deeply had decided to remain within and as.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hang out with guys that if my Ex would have seen me with, he would have become Jealous and so, I made sure to spend time with celebs within the hope that I would be captured in the newspaper with them. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hang out with guys from the starting point of making my Ex jealous, and in no way had any respect to myself nor my body within my mission to do what ever it takes to win my man back.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to plan each and every move that I've made within the starting point of whether or not it will take me one step further to get back with my partner and so, for example when I had birthday, I made sure to invite as many people as possible, and as many attractive guys as possible so that when my ex will surprise me and come to my party, he would see me with these attractive guys and become jealous, realize he had made a mistake and come back to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when realizing he will not come to the party and see the scene that I've prepared to such great details for him, to drink my sorrow up with Alcohol and spend the night with a guy that had no respect for me, just that I won't be alone, facing my agony and misery that I've created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when going out with friends, to go out to places with the highest chances that if my ex would be in town, it would be the place I would party in so that we could meet each other again and as he would see me, he would immediately realize that he had done a mistake by breaking up with me. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy myself, be here, with my friends when we went out to party as I was consistently, looking for my Ex, hoping faith will bring us back together and when the moment didn't arrive, to drink myself up, so that I could feel unlimited to spend the night with another guy so that for a moment, I could feel desired and yearned for, only that, I never did - the melancholia was always there - with or without Alcohol and sex.

 

To be Continued...

Love others, Hate yourself - Day 51

This blog is an outflow of an interview that I've heard today which I strongly recommend you to hear if you haven't already - Reptilians - Why Love is so Addictive - Part 47

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire and yarn for a relationship and I haven't realized that the desire is based on Energy that I can cross reference for myself through looking in self honesty at the type of thoughts, back chat and internal conversation within a total obsession and possession in my conscious mind and within that, I forgive myself that I've misinterpreted the energy as desire, love and sex and externalized it in separation of myself within the yarning of being with another being in a relationship/agreement.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that I'm barely able to manage myself within the relationship that I have with myself as I'm bouncing from Hereness to absolute mind control in a split of a second which than raise the question - How can I mange a relationship with another if I'm not able to sustain a supportive relationship with myself? I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give myself up for an energetic experience of LOVE and SEX and I haven't stop for a moment, to establish an effective agreement with myself, to sort myself out and align myself back to myself before I even consider taking the next step of walking an agreement with another human being. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to yarn for agreement/relationship and sex because it is much more easier to live within energetic experience and focus on anything else but myself and thus, use the relationship/agreement as a mean to avoid myself and remain enslaved and control to consciousness as ENERGY.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to introspect and investigate why LOVE is so addictive and why we have been spending most of our time in our mind, desiring for LOVE and SEX and within that, have failed to see that it is a deliberate design that we have placed in order to preoccupied ourselves inside our mind, to not have to consider the living expression of the word LOVE that is best for all from the perspective that each and everyone of us will exists in a world where we are taken care of because we are HERE, in this ONE physical reality and there of, having the right for a dignified LIFE.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the addictive consequences of the LOVE experience of ENERGY wherein I'm being obsessed within not only during the days but also during the nights while dreaming which reveal and show the control that energy as consciousness have on me and the extent of separation because I've NOT stood up within myself and absolutely became the directive principle during the days as well as nights.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the very thoughts, back chat, internal conversation that I have towards others in my world in the nature of spitefulness, jealousy, comparison, competition and judgement are existing in each and every single human being and thus, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to raise the question whether I would like to be with someone who allows backchat, internal conversation without being willing to sort oneself out if I haven't taken the responsibility to do the same. And I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to take into consideration that when I'm engaging an agreement/relationship with a being, this being will have nasty, spiteful, judgemental, evil thoughts about me and other beings in this world which I will miss due to the external presentation that we have all are walking and denying it through the yarning experience of LOVE however, if we would equalize our internal nature of ourselves with the

external presentation of ourselves we will most likely will be defined as crazy - which is exactly what and who we are as long as we accept and allow the evil nature that is within to exists as ourselves. And thus, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that assistance and support within an agreement is to support each other to see that which we have become as the evil nature that we are and transform ourselves within and as the principle of equality and oneness wherein, how relationship currently lived as is within the assistance and support of each other to remain evil as the direct reflection of our thoughts, back chat and internal conversation that we believe to be valid because no one can hear or see it, without no consideration nor awareness of the consequences of such allowance wherein this world, and how it manifested is a direct reflection of the inside or ourselves - evil world that is based on inner desires of self interests where the majority is being disregarded and abuse for the abundance of the few.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to daydream about my prospective partner and the LOVE experience that I will hold and I haven't considered or even imagine the type of thoughts, backchat, internal conversation that my prospective partner is having as the real nature of who one is because if I had to consider that point, I will have to consider my own mess in my mind and thus, would must have taken the responsibility to investigate, introspect and change myself. And I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to focus on my own backchat, internal conversation and thoughts to be able to delete the patterns that it reveals and thus, went into the safe place of the LOVE experience as energy, in my mind, disregarding the fact that I won't even want to be with me with all the spiteful, judgemental, nasty thoughts towards another human being in this world and within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how beautifully the design of LOVE was manifested to blind us from what is really going on inside ourselves and in this world so that we will not even SEE that which exists within us, within our partner and within all humans in this world and thus, won't address this problem and come with solution to assist and support ourselves to change our nature according to principle of equality and oneness so that our internal nature and our external presentation will be Equal and One as that which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have refused to see the examples that are playing out in the world of those who are in a relationships that started out with a huge feeling of LOVE and ended of with a huge emotion of HATE and have thus, refused to consider an agreement that is not based on energy of LOVE nor HATE but rather, based on practicality of walking in this ONE life and do what ever it takes to either making sure that the children to come will have a dignified and worthwhile future or either assist and support each other within our breath to breath process of stopping preprogramed patterns and prepare the way before us for an effective upbringing of our children within the starting point of giving them a future that is free from brainwashed of pattern that we've carried from those who have raised us and giving them a proper education that focus on a life skills to be able to become an effective human being in this world, who will continue the way after us, to establish a world that is best for all lives!

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that the example of relationships in the world are an absolute demonstration of the Energy polarity of LOVE and HATE wherein, Love turn into Hate in a split of a second and the Good and Positive LOVE energy turned into a Bad and Negative Hate Energy which than raise the question - Is LOVE real if it doesn't remain for eternity? Is love real if it is not a constant breath by breath application? If love is real when it turns into hate? Is Love real if it's not equally distributed to everyone? Is love real if we abuse ourselves and each other?

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the relationship between self hate and the desire for relationship wherein, we believe and perceive that we can feel complete and stop the self hate if we find someone who can accept us just the way we are and I have failed to see that in essence the desire for relationship that we seek after is essentially a relationship with ourselves and we have failed to realize that we do not require anyone or anything to feel complete within ourselves; all we have to do is embrace ourselves and be self honest enough to walk through pattern by pattern, and align ourselves back to ourselves within equality and oneness principle and only than, we can have an interdependent agreement with another human being that will stand the test of time.

I commit myself to show and reveal how we have misinterpreted the Energy of Love and Sex and externalized it in separation from ourselves within the desire and yarning for the energetic experience of LOVE within a relationship.

I commit myself to mange myself as the mind into alignment of and as the physical and transform the dependent energy relationship that I've created with the mind to and as an agreement that will pass the test of time as I walk myself out of the mind and into the physical, breath by breath through a process of stopping pattern by pattern

I commit myself to show how LOVE as energetic self egocentric experience is Addictive as equal to and one as Drugs and the similarity between Drug abuse and Love abuse and Why we require developing rehab programs to assist and support humanity with letting go of the energetic experience of LOVE and instead walk the living expression of LOVE within the principle of Love Thy Neighbour as Thy Love Thyself.

I commit myself to stand as the directive principle during the days and nights and to direct myself effectively breath by breath also in my dreams because the dreams are a direct reflection of that which I allow and give permission to in my sub and unconscious mind and thus, I utilize the dream as a gift to see myself where I normally don't.

I commit myself to show and reveal to the world the evil nature that we have become within our mind as the reflection within as the thought, back chat, inner conversation about other people in our mind as well as without as the reflection of the world that we have equally created through our acceptance and allow whether we see it directly or not and I commit myself to present a solution for the mind gossiping pattern through standing as an example within my writing of Self Forgiveness and walking the physical correction.

I commit myself to show how crazy we really are and how it is in fact all in reverse wherein we define those who speak without filtering their thoughts as crazy while all along, the only thing the differ between normal and crazy people is filtering mechanism that 'Normal' people has developed to be accepted in society despite of their mind revealing the evilness that is within as judgement, spiteful, comparison, jealousy and nastiness thoughts towards others.

 

I commit myself to show and explain in detail how self destructive and abusive daydreaming and wishful thinking about the 'one' is, to be able to sustain the experience of LOVE and the consequences thereof.

I commit myself to educate and apply myself to stand as a pillar of supportive education for those who will come after me so that we can end the cycle of robotic zombified beings that exists within and as ONE point of self interest and instead, assist and support the next generation to become effective human beings with a proper LIFE skills so that they can lead the future of tomorrow within the principle of that which is best for all. 

Art by  Malin Olofsson

Religion of Self – Dependency – Day 9

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to leave a back door for mistakes through always having someone to blame for my responsibilities, instead of walking a time line, walking in clarity and effectively planning that which I’m participating with and get to the utmost potential in everything that I do.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – Instead of walking my responsibilities during my day, in self trust and directing myself effectively, I seek for someone to direct and approve my doing so that if I fuck up, I could blame this person for it.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for my responsibilities within the need for someone to approve that which I do.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the nature of my dependency towards others within looking/seeking for someone to stand as a pillar to approve and validate my doing and within that, haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be and become the directive principle of myself and my world, within self-trust in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that my entire existence was dependent upon others to validate, direct and approve me and in that, I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my life because I gave my power away to those whom I blindly follow and trust them to direct me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed, controlled and enslaved to the world system wherein, I give my power away to other beings to make decisions for me without realizing and seeing that by giving my power away, I’m compromising myself and my world as the silent acceptance of this world to continue functions as it is because apparently, I’m not worthy to speak and stand up because I require someone else to insert words into me so that I know that what I’ve said or done was pre-approved and validated.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exists as a shadow in this world through not taking the responsibility and actually directing myself but instead, blindly followed by the example of those who came before me despite of the physical evidence that their example wasn’t and isn’t an example that is worthwhile due to the consequences of this current world system that is based on abuse, suffering, crime, wars and survival and in no way best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to train and program myself to always seek for approval for my doings and in that, abdicated the responsibility to be and become a human beings that is standing in stability, directing oneself and one’s world without being influenced, controlled and enslaved to a system that is founded on self interest and the survival of the fittest.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that I’m trusting other beings to direct me and in that, making the statement that I’m not worthy for my own self trust.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that my entire existence is depending on others to direct and validate me and within that, I’ve not seen how the world system functions exactly the same where only a select few direct and validate those who blindly accepted themselves as inferior and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give value to those who have come before me because apparently, they know better and I must follow them, despite the physical daily prove that they have no clue within how to direct themselves and our world because if they would have known, this world was already a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate and worthy myself through the approval of others and when I didn’t get the approval, I doubted and question myself from the starting point of inferiority.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that for a substantial change in this world, I cannot trust anyone but myself and thus, I will myself to be and become the directive principle of myself and my world so that in every moment of every breath, I will act and do only that which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the meaning of ‘cross referencing’ and thus, I used it to indirectly seeking for approval, trying and attempting to present that I’m clear and directive but the fact of the matter was that I’ve manipulated others so that I could be validated and approved and thus, if anything went wrong, I could justify it through saying that it was cross reference and blame others for the fuck up instead of taking responsibility from the get go and utilizing cross referencing form equality and oneness starting point instead of fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I require someone to tell me what I should say or do, I cannot  trust myself to direct this world to a world that is best for all and thus, I’ve abdicated my responsibility as a human being, to face myself, correct the relationship that I’ve formed with my mind and change myself so that I would be able to stand up within myself and this world and do whatever it takes to make sure that this world is a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to get myself sorted out in all aspects as I see and realize the extent of that which I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live and exists as, with the direct consequences of allowing a world that is best for only a few while others are seeking for the approval of their very existence through money.

I commit myself to be and become the directive principle of myself and my world within self trust and so, Will not accept and allow myself to be influenced, controlled and enslaved by anything and anyone and thus, I commit myself to understand how and why I have blindly diminished myself to such an extent that my entire existence is dependent on others.

I commit myself to – when and as I see a movement within me of wanting to say/ask something so that I could validate myself through the answer, I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back here, I stand within and as me in self trust within the realization that if I would to fuck up, I will learn from it, face, correct and change.

I commit myself to direct myself in every moment according to a basic principle of what is best for all lives and in that, I do not require anyone to tell me what is best for all lives because with common sense and self honesty, the answer is very clear.

 

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