Betrayal - Loss of the Illusion - Day 503

Once upon a time, during my university years, I was involved with one of my class mate - I had a crush on him for quite a while and I saw a potential of us being together, creating a life together. When we started seeing each other, I could see that he was not into the relationship as I was but I decided to ignore the fact that something was completely off with us. It ended just as quick as it started but because we were studying together and I saw him every day, I still hoped that something of worth will come out of our friendship relationship.

Mt best friend at that time, who was also studying with us, knew that I had interest in having something more with that guy but little did I know that after I stopped seeing him, she started dating him and neither of them told me about that - I felt betrayed.

It is interesting because neither of them did something to me or took something from me - I was not really involved with the guy when they started dating. The problem with this all scenario was that all this time, he played games with me with continuous flirtation and sweet talk which I interoperated as him having interest in me which perpetuated the 'hope' that we may have something of worth in the future. With him acting as he did, I had no reason to think that there is something else going on with my friend and so, when I found out, I was in shock cause I didn't see it coming - the two people that I cared about had a relationship behind my back.

I felt betrayed and painfully hurt when I found out that they are together, I literally felt she stabbed a knife in my back because of so many reasons and I couldn't get myself to a point of forgiveness - I was angry, the trust I had in her was broken and I couldn't move pass the point and continue my friendship relationship with her so I removed her from my environment completely, didn't want anything to do with her. With him, I didn't feel that he betrayed me, I was upset, yes - but I was not angry at him as much as I was with her.

The challenge was seeing them together, coming to classes together, laughing, kissing and enjoying each other's presence - I felt that she took from me something that was supposed to be mine even though, it was never mine.

So what really happened? Why did I feel betrayed? Why was I consume with anger?

In this blog post, I will open up the primary point that I found while investigating this point for myself though there are many dimensions and layers that were involved.

If you followed my recent blog posts - The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500 the things that I will be writing today will be clearer.

In our alternate mind reality, we create an illusion of how things "should" be and when the physical reality doesn't correspond with our creation of the mind we experience ourselves with negative emotions like for instance, depression, sadness, anger and so forth. The problem starts when we believe that the alternate reality that we created in our mind could have had a potential to manifest in the physical reality and so, we hold onto the hope that in some way or another, we will manifest our alternate reality exactly how it is in our minds.

For myself, every time I saw them together I faced the physical reality that was in conflict with my alternate reality and that created an experience of loss, a loss of the illusion that I created in my mind.

When positive feelings are involved, we tend to place a vail in the mind that prevents us from seeing the physical reality and what is really here. For example, there was nothing substantial that I created with the guy, our communication levels didn't have the depth that I would have wanted in a relationship and on many levels, when I was with him, I felt very empty. Even sexually, I couldn't really 'feel' him with me. But, there was something in him that I was attracted to which kept the alternate reality in the mind going and especially with me seeing him every day.

With seeing them together, the mind reality kept on activated because what I saw in the physical reality is them living my alternate reality that I wanted to create for myself with him so it was like unfulfilled desire playing out in front of my eyes all of the time. How I saw him with her was how I wanted him to be with me only that with me, it did not exist and I took it personally, as if something was wrong with me because "how come he choose her and not me" kept on coming up in my mind all of the time.

I think that was the most difficult part - not understanding why what I saw in him, the potential of him, is playing out with her, while I couldn't reach that level of intimacy with him.

Here what I found is my ego taking the driver sit instead of me looking directly at the physical reality. There are things that I cannot explain or clearly understand how it works but it is quite clear that with certain people you have specific types of connections. This connection is not always aligned and it is not an exact science - it is either 'here' or it is not but it is not something one can force.

They had a connection that was deeper than the connection that I had with him. The fact that they shared a deep connection doesn't define me as less or more, it has nothing to do with me actually but it was not how I saw it - I took it personally and defined me as less than her which was why I couldn't reach an absolute point of forgiveness as I kept on blaming her for taking something from me. In that, I lost - I lost my friendship relationship with her, and I lost my friendship relationship with him.

Will continue in my next blog post

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Art work - The Betrayal by Michael James Toomy

The Difference between Adoration and Love - Day 372

 

 

This point opened up today on Facebook by Dorit Bar where she was enticing the readers' mind to look at the difference between Adoring someone to Loving someone and so, I decided to participate in the thread she opened up by writing this blog:

 

We all have pictures in our mind about something and/or someone; and a good example of this is by a simple exercise: Speak the name of your best friend - What would you see immediately in your mind? a picture of this friend. Try this again, speak the name of your loved one and what would you immediately see in your mind - the image of the person you love. Now, let's try another thing - Speak the name of your most hateful person in your world - what would you see? The picture of this person.

That means that no matter what is your experience towards a person, the first thing that would come up in your mind is a picture of this person. If you slow yourself down, you could also noticed that there is a positive or a negative energy that comes up and suddenly, your physical body would start changing slightly. This means that just by speaking another person name, there is a network of information that one is able to immediate access to and consciously aware of as well as information that one would automatically access to that one would not even be aware of until one would be shown that this had actually happened in one's mind. (Obviously, within the process of writing and investigating what one is accepting and allowing one to be and become, one is slowly become more and more aware of what is really going on in one's mind - for this I suggest to investigate the DIP Lite Free online course). The experience associated with the person would determine according to your interpretation of the person, according to your past events, memories, experiences, knowledge that in most cases, doesn't have anything to do with the person themselves but rather, only how you perceive the person through your own mind.

 

Alright, so now that we understand what does it means having a picture in our minds towards another, we can have a look at the following point:

Many of us have people we adore - it can be anything from a celebrity or a politician, a teacher or a parent - we created an image of the ones we adore in our mind and we start associating the pictures with characteristic that we believe these people hold within themselves. So now for instance, we have been "lucky" and the person we adore is interested in us and a relationship start developing. Initially, we would feel the butterflies and the excitement because from our perspective, the person we just started being in a relationship with, carries all the characteristics that we have assigned to them in our minds (without even knowing them), the very same characteristic that made us adoring them in the first place. So the relationship started off on the promise that what is in our mind is what real and from adoring them, we are now moving to loving them but a few weeks/months/years later, we start realizing that the picture we created in our mind has nothing to do with the reality; has nothing to do with the person we are in a relationship with; and soon enough, the relationship fall apart because the imagination reality didn't meet the physical reality and what we based our relationship upon, the ground from which the feelings has emerged is no longer there and the relationship collapse - this is also how quick Love turns into Hate.

Obviously, not all relationships fall apart - according to the stats, 50% of the marriages ends up in divorce and then the cycle repeat itself with another relationship that started off from a picture in our mind, evolved into characteristic we assigned to the pictures and moved into feelings we associated with our inner experiences and again, there are 50% chances that the Feeling will soon enough change into Emotions of Hate and resentment.

 

This means that there isn't much difference between Adoring someone and Loving someone - both are the outflow of something we have actually created within our minds. There is a value system attached to it, there is a self interest attached to it and in no way we have based the relationship on a principle of absolute support wherein both would stand as a pillar of unconditional support to enhance, empower and grow each other in becoming a better human beings in this world that would care enough to stand up and take responsibility for one's mind in a clear decision of what one would accept and allow within oneself and one's world and what one would not.

 

I wouldn't trust Love unless it is measurable on a physical level where one Live the word Love in every breath one take where one move and direct oneself towards one goal - bringing the Expression of Love to earth by creating a world system that protect, honor and respect all lives.  Saying you love someone and hate another, saying you love someone and allow the majority to live in misery isn't Love - it is an empty word that is based on self interest. Love would be a visible action of doing what ever it takes to change this world system to a system that support all living beings.

 

More about Love: https://eqafe.com/searches?utf8=%E2%9C%93&q=love

 

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Pornography Messed up my Sex Life - Life Review - Day 238

 

A few days ago, I listened to the Interview - Pornography Messed up my Sex Life - Live Review and I found it fascinating in understanding the Minds of those who are addicted to Porn - the ins and out of the Design of the Addiction to Porn and what is it that these people are actually facing within and as themselves.

 

While walking my Process of writing and taking on the Point of Relationships and Sex, I've seen how with some of the partners that I've been with, which were addicted to Porn, the Relationship couldn't stand because I took it Personally and was sure that the reason why the relationship didn't stand was because of my performance in bed. And holly fuck, it is so absurd that we've turn Sex to Performance and within that, limited Sex to such an extant that it is in no way an expression of 2 people coming together to explore, assist and support themselves and their physical.  

If only I had the tools that I have now to assist and support myself and my partner, much of the experiences that I faced within my relationships with men, could be prevented and corrected as I now see, realize and understand why and how beings finds themselves addicted to Porn and what it is within them that they either Fear or perceive themselves to be lacking off which then, they would go into Porn.

 

Understand - we have the tendency to Judge that which we don't understand; to Judge people that are walking a different life path than how we think and perceive life should be lived; we judge the consequences of Porn for instance within our society; What we have missed and didn't realize is that Judgement is a reaction to a well known Problem but instead of getting to the root/source/core/origin of the problem, we would either ignore, suppress, hide and/or Deny; or we would focus all our attention to our reaction, not realizing that the reaction is nothing but a distraction to actually face the point we faced within and as ourselves. But there is another way - we could stand up and find Solutions to Prevent the Problem from re-emerge and/or Re-occur. This is what Desteni is all about - Prevention as the Ultimate Cure.

 

Thus, instead of Judging or Blame, Let's educate ourselves to Understand the Mind and what we have become as the Mind; let's Expand ourselves in getting to know how our mind works and functions to the nitty gritty details because once we'll know ourselves as the totality of our minds, we would understand and see directly the totality of the universal mind and would be able to Prevent Consequences instead of Judging them; we would be able to take responsibility instead of shifting responsibility. We would be able to assist and support others in showing them, what we have seen for ourselves. Our Process is of Prevention, and Porn for that matter - it is not about closing down the Porn industry, that will only cause more friction and conflict in people's mind as this is not a real and substantial solution but a cover up for the real/source/origin/core of the Problem. the Prevention for that matter would be Education, the Studies of the Mind within all the Layers of the mind so that one could see for oneself how and why one had developed and established a relationship to and towards Porn and accordingly, one would find it much more easy to realize oneself once one would understand the design that one had accepted and allowed oneself to exists within and as.

 

So, If you find yourself addicted to Porn, or if you are in a relationship where your partner is addicted to Porn, I suggest listening to this interview to assist and support you in getting to know yourself and/or your Partner as what drives one into developing and establishing a close relationship with Porn.

How to Deal with the Cheater in one's Mind - Day 235

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

 

So, as described yesterday, I will be walking the Design of Being a Cheater in my Mind and going after those that are Unavailable for a relationship in much more details from what I have walked thus far.

Specifically here, I will be looking at the story I shared yesterday where a guy from my past contacted me recently and apparently, the short communication we had was enough to activate all sorts of memories from our past together.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Fear Relationships but at the Same time, Desire for Sex and the Experience of having Sex Relationship gives me, through which I could defined myself as More than who I am, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the need to define myself as More through external forces is to suppress and ignore the Inner Experience and self definition of being inadequate, insecure and inferior that I've accepted, allowed and created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Experience Guilt when having a relationship with a male who has a partner because within and as me, I knew I would be accountable for the consequences that may emerge however, through Guilt, as a Design, I could define myself as "Moral" and "CONsiderate" while my physical actions implied otherwise and so, Through Guilt, I could suppress and ignore that which I've accepted and allowed myself to walk in misalignment to the principle of 'Do onto others that which you'd like to be done to you' and thus, not taking responsibility for myself and change my living application to an application that I would respect within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the Core/Source/Origion/Reason for why and how I've programmed and designed myself to Define and Experience myself within myself as Insecure, Inadequate and Inferior to the extent of having to look for these the Balanced components out side of myself through physical actions that my Harm other people but would temporary satisfied my Inner Experience with an Outer Experience of being More than another as I was the one the male have chosen to be with.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself why it is Ok to be with a guy that is having a partnership with another through shifting my responsibility as a human being to the guys, not understanding that my justification is a source of all evil - the Desire for Sex that override any form of basic common sense.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as Sexual being when I'm around attractive guys that are in a relationship so that they could secretly Yearn to be with me and thus, I would deliberately entice them to see me as a forbidden fruit they must attain till they make 'the move' and I could justify it for myself that it is their responsibility and I had nothing to do with it.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself when and as I accepted and allowed the Experience of Excitement when and as a guy that is in a relationship with another expressed his secret mind thoughts about me wherein, the nature of the excitement that I had experience was a momentary self satisfaction of feeling More than another, More than I had defined myself as and within that excitement, I had completely ignored the principle of Love your neighbours as yourself and do to others that which you'd like to be done onto you because in that moment of excitement, I had accepted and allowed myself to follow my Mind within my own self interest desire for Sex while disregarding and disrespecting the other human beings that are involved while I could have stopped myself, clear and change myself and stand as a pillar of support, both directly to the guy and indirectly to his partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've manipulated myself through accessing Guilt within and as myself where my mind would go off and think about the guy's partner and how it is not cool that he does such things while all along, I was the one who was responsible in how I was directly involved in seducing the guy into Cheating, either in their mind or physically and how I am the one who is able to stand in absolute self honesty and stability in being able to assist and support the guy to see, realize and understand the design they had accepted and allowed within and as themselves in being able to accordingly take responsibility and change themselves.

 

I commit myself to Stop, when and as I see myself accessing Guilt as I see now that Guilt as a design manifested within and as ourselves when and as there is something we are not willing to sort out, take responsibility and correct and the fact of the matter is that Guilt is Self Manipulation that would keep on Preoccupied in one's backchat and internal conversation instead taking responsibility for what one had accepted and allowed within and as oneself in separation of oneself.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that the Desire for Sex is so overwhelming and if one accept and allow oneself to direct and move oneself based on the Desire for Sex, one would disregard the consequences, self respect and would be willing to abuse oneself and another as the Desire for Sex Override any form of Common Sense.

 

I commit myself to STOP the Desire for Sex as well as the Fear of being in an Intimate and supportive Relationship/Agreement as I see, realize and understand now where I would take myself and others through the Desire and Fear and the consequences therefore.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW that any justification for why it is Ok having sex relationships with another human beings that has a partner is done from the starting point of the Desire for sex and not as a real self support and the support of others.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that having these justification implies that one is not standing stable within and as oneself as how one had defined oneself as insecure, inadequate and inferior through which one would believe one require sex with a partner that already has a partner to balance the inner experience with an external experience which within that, one isn't considering one's responsibility towards oneself and others within the principle of do to others that which you'd like to be done to you.

 

I commit myself to when and as a guy that is having a relationship approach me within the starting point of having me as the forbidden fruit to not accept and allow myself to engage and follow the desire but rather stand in self stability, breath and direct the moment effectively as I see, realize and understand my responsibility within it and the power I have to stand as a support instead of an abuser. 

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

As I've mentioned in the Blog Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship, I had the tendency in my past to find myself attracted mostly to the unavailable males. What start as "innocence communication" and getting to know the being, ended up in a secret sexual relationships.

 

This specific Relationship that I'll be walking here is one of these relationships that lasted for a while, on and off. It all started 11 years ago, when I met a couple when I was traveling somewhere in the world. We spent a few days together and we split up to different directions however, we decided that a few months later, when the female returned to Israel, I'll be joining to  the male along with another friend of his. As was agreed by all parties, I joined the guys for a month and a half and we travelled around, the 3 of us together. What I didn't know at that stage was that there was a secret agreement between the couple that when she will not be there, he could be with me. Till this day I have no idea why none of them told me about this agreement at that point but only years later - which I will get to as I continue writing.

 

So, you know.. Traveling overseas, sleeping in small joint rooms and being all day and night together leads to sexual relationships in most cases. However, his friend was there and innocent me, believed that he doesn't know about us fooling around and this all secretive thing attracted me even more because it was like we had this special bond that only he and I were aware of. During all this time I knew it was a temporary thing because he has a partner and I also liked his partner and didn't want to harm the relationship. Interestingly enough, the guilt wasn't that extensive while we were traveling - the guilt emerged when we were back in Israel.

 

And so, this journey ended - he returned to Israel and I continued to travel with his friends and couple more friends that we met during the way. His friend and I, never discussed what had happened between his friend and I, as if none of it existed and we were simply 3 people, traveling together but there was always this tension between us. he was angry at me for being with his friend and I didn't want to face it by talking about it.

 

When I returned to Israel, I started a new life - met new people, got into the Alcohol and Parties arena and was more 'free butterfly' in comparison to how I used to be, before the 6 months trip in the world that I did.

I got a phone call one day from the guy I was with in a secretive relationship and he told me that he moved to a city close to where I lived and that he wants to meet me. I don't remember the exact details but I met him and we initially became close again, no sex. He started being more consistent in his approach towards me and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I knew his girlfriend is now in the same country as we were and I justified it to myself that it isn't right.

 

One night, we went to a party together and for a moment, we split up. I went to talk to my bartender friends while he went to put my bag in the storage room. Without anyone noticing it, (and till this day I don't know what happened), someone put something in my drink. Any way, as the guy came towards the bar to meet me, I fainted. After a few moments I woke up and I was no longer standing were I stood, I was on the way out with the guy assistance and support. However, in the moment after I fainted again and when I woke up, we were at the entrance of the storage room to take my bag and go home. We finally went out but yet again, I fainted on the middle of the road. Next thing that I remember was us two sitting near the party place, stabilizing my physical as he was holding me, hugging me and taking care of me. Once I was stable again, he kissed me. I took a step back and asked him to stop. This is when he told me the secret agreement that he had with his partner back then, when we were in the overseas, in trying to convince me that it is ok for us to fool around. I didn't accept it and as he pushed more, I resisted more and started experiencing resentment towards him. A few days or weeks after, we met again, after he had promise me that he won't kiss me or try to do anything. However, within me, I really wanted to have sex with him and so we did.  After we had sex, the guilt started to take over because now, I knew within and as myself that I'm responsible, that I did something that I shouldn't do and that I cannot justify myself by saying to myself: "but hey - you are not the one who has a partner, it is his responsibility". I was on my way to get out and leave but before I left, I told him that this must stop and we cannot do this again. If necessary, we won't meet again.

Then he told me that he loves me, that he fell in love with me and that he is leaving his partner if I'll take him.

But me, scared as hell of being intimate for real with another and within that, being in a relationship that might hold for more than a few months, I told him that he doesn't love me, he loves his partner and that he should forget about me and move back to the city he came from where she is. For years later I felt regret that I didn't follow this through because this guy, was a guy to bring home lol. But that is another design that I will write about in another blog.

 

When he told me he loved me, I became completely frightened. I was shocked and my only reaction was - " 'WTF' it cannot be real, it is wrong, no, I cannot allow it." Obviously, I didn't investigate my reactions back then and I simply ignored all of that. So, to be able to face this in terms of suppressing the experience, I started having hatred feelings towards him as if he is so bad for doing this to his partner, not seeing my responsibility within it. and so, I don't think I ever saw him again, we might spoke on the phone one time, by chance, when a friend of mine figured out years later that her co-worker knows me so she called me from work and he took the phone from her. I think that was when he told me that him and his partner are getting married.

 

A few weeks ago, he contacted me. He told me that so much had happened and that he wanted to share with me. I was sure that he either has kids or that they broke up. the thought about him having kids was like a pin in my heart and the thought of them no longer together was like an inner excitement, like maybe now we can set things right. Apparently, they do not have kids but they are still together lol.

 

Then, I got another E-mail from him, telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me for the last 2 weeks and that he told his co-workers about me and the other friend that were traveling with us and how he would like to hug me like old time style. (the time we were together overseas).

 

I reacted to this - first within excitement as if I still have influence on him, because he still have secret thoughts about me, that he remembers me and that if I only want to, he would leave his partner. Then, when I reminded myself that I've walked through the design of me wanting those who are unavailable, the why and how I have accepted and allowed myself in the past to participate in the design and what are the consequences, I initially felt ashamed for participating within the energy experience of excitement when reading his words and seeing his expression in my mind saying these words, then I moved into Guilt within the back chat of - what if she reads this e-mail? I don't want to be responsible for their brake up, I don't want this to start all over again, and then I moved to Anger which I projected towards him. I wrote him back that I really hope that he isn't doing anything in that nature with anyone else because he is married now. I didn't hear from him since.

 

The next day, I started investigating my reactions, my emotions and feelings and why and how this point presented itself again. How is it that despite of me seeing the design, I still invite it into my life and still not standing up and directing myself effectively in not accepting and allowing this kind of shit within me and this world. I felt guilty for this point having to present itself again for me to face and correct myself while I influence other people lives and within that messes up their life.

I was reminded then that the only thing I must focus on is me, and my responsibility within it all. What ever they are going through, is their process to walk because as long as I haven't sorted out myself, I wouldn't be able to stand as a support for them.

 

 

Will continue sharing my investigation and correction in my next blog

 

 

Developing Intimate sexual communication with Self - Day 151

 

 

Through educated myself regarding Sex and Sexuality with the support of listening to the 'What is Sex' series interviews as well as investigating for quiet awhile, in writing, my relationship to sex and sexuality, it is clear to me that the common problem within sex and sexuality today is lack of education that result with lack of communication in general and with one's partner in particular.

 

For myself, I've always felt embarrassed to discuss the point of sex - either with my partner nor my parents. With my girlfriends, it was more comfortable but more from the perspective of bragging about it so that I could be define by them as more than who they are and as a cool person.

 

And while writing the blog series - The Importance of Physical Communication - Day 148 I've realized how important it is to develop and establish an effective communication with human beings in our world as a whole and our partners in particular as they are the ones who are walking with and as us, every step of the way, throughout our processes.

 

As I was mentioning, I always felt ashamed to communicate my likes and dislikes with my partners. I felt that if I shared what I didn't like, they would see me as unfit sex partner and if I do share what I liked, they would judge me for my preferences and so, the entire sexual experience and our expression would be compromised. Only what I haven't realized was that by not communicating about my likes and dislikes, I was in fact compromising our relationship as well as sabotaging my human physical body to stand in alignment to what I perceived they would like me to express in the context of sex.

 

Another point that I've realized through walking the Agreements - Re-Defining Relationships course is that I have never had an intimate communication with myself regarding all aspects of my life, including sexuality and within that, there is no actual possible way to develop an intimate communication with a partner when the basic of my communication with myself was not effectively walked, investigated, explored and established.

 

It is obvious to me now, that lack of intimate relationship with self is a divertive of our social definitions of ourselves that is based on morality structure that was slowly but surly prompt into and as our minds by those who have come before us, generation after generation. The true History of Sex, Sexuality and masturbation is walked in details in the introduction to the 'What is Sex' Series as well as 'Shocking Secret of Masturbation' Series where it was explained how sex, sexuality and masturbation was first introduced to human civilization, why and how sex, sexuality and masturbation had evolved to how we define and see it nowadays without our current environment structure. In this, one can see for oneself, why and how sex, sexuality and masturbation were deliberately kept in secret inside our mind, what was the purpose/reasons for the above to remain secretive, shameful and private and therefor, what is the consequences of the sex/sexuality/masturbation evolution within and as our life and humanity as a whole.

 

The following blog entries would be with regards to communication within and as oneself as well as with one's partner, the reason why we have never established intimate communication with ourselves nor with our partners, the consequences of lack of communication, and of course - a practical solution to transform and change our relationship with ourselves and therefor, with our partner, to an intimate and communicated relationship that would support both parties to evolved and change themselves as a physical living human being as oppose to who we currently are - an organic robot that function on automated pilot in every moment of breath. 

 

Also, please watch the blog I’ve recorded yesterday – Journey To Life Review:

I am the most important person to my self - Journey To Life Review

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 5 - Day 146

 

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 4 - Day 145

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand how and why I've been accepting and allowing self sabotage/compromise/abuse through a decision I've made in the moment of interaction with my new group of friends where we were discussing about Sex and within that, I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate why and how I've made that decision and whether this decision would support me in any way whatsoever.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prefer fitting in a specific group and within that, have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, abuse and sabotage me as my human physical body because I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to respect myself enough to stand in absolute self trust, the same as yesterday today and tomorrow, but instead, I've made the decision to do what ever it takes for me to feel belong and accepted by group of beings.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that having Sex would result with being accepted by a group of friends that would see me as Equals when I'm acting/behaving like one of them. within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of those relationship with those women and whether or not, my relationship with them would be a supportive relationship that would result with me discovering and becoming the utmost potential I can be as a human being.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give Value to my stance in a specific group of friends and within that, have accepted and allowed myself to compromise/sabotage/abuse myself as my human physical body with the choices I made in order to fit in and be accepted by others. Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to value and accept me, as who I am, in any given moment and thus, had required to be accepted by others to define me as worthy of being in their presence.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the relationship between my experience before I discovered the 'big city' and the decisions that I've made after I moved to the 'big city' and thus, I've NOT seen that my choices/decisions that I've made were because I've defined the place that I came from and the life that I had as boring and accordingly, wanted to do all the things I believed I missed out thus far due to the limitation I had felt in my home environment in terms of what is allowed and what isn't allowed and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself in that moment of discussing with the new friends about Sex, to define my previous girl friends as boring and nerds which I didn't want to be associate with and essentially, wanted to join the new group of girls that would make me feel alive, not considering the things I would have to do in order to fit in and the consequences of my decisions.

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 4 - Day 145

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

 

Yesterday, I was touching briefly about the social influences that I've experienced within and as myself in relation to having multiple partners. Within this blog, I will go into more depth with regards to this point as I see that it had crucial effects on my decision making.

 

I remember at the age of 24, I was working in a fancy restaurant and all my co-workers were young, fine, cool, hot girls. It's like, when coming to the restaurant, you are coming to a fashion show. Literally. Off topic - there was an hair dresser that used to do for us hair style every night before work, our clothes where made by a designer.. Crazy shit man.

 

So anyway, for me it was a new experience; I came from a suburb city, my life were quite boring before I started working there, I didn't go to parties, I didn't care about clothes, I didn't care about being cool because as far as I've seen myself in the suburb, I was cool in my own way. I didn't feel like I'm missing out something because I didn't know what was out there - Parties, Drugs, alcohol, guys.. So for me, it was all new and I didn't know how to swallow everything when I encounter the Big City Life. I wanted everything - I wanted to party, drugs, alcohol, guys.. But inside me, I knew it wasn't me and for me to get those stuff, I must act like one of them, I must make new friends, I must fit it. it is not so easy to fit in when I've valued myself as unworthy, fat, not good enough in comparison to what I've seen in the "big city". (lol, if you'd know where I'm coming from, you'll laugh about what I define as a big city and what I define as a suburb). In the Suburb, you don't have to be all of those things to fit it.. So it was quite a ride by itself.

 

Ok so.. One day, all the girls were talking about sex, how much sex they do, with whom they are doing it, how good it is, how their hair style in their vagina is shaped. And I.. Didn't know what they were talking about, it was a shock to me. One of them told me - "the reason why you are not having sex is because you are not prepared for sex.. You haven't shaped your vagina hair".

 

And so, I became possessed about how I should look like down there, what man likes, what do I need to do to "prepare" myself for sex. Not even a moment, looking at the physical aspect within it all. Not ever considering who, why and what I am as sex. All I cared about was fitting in with my new environment and within it, do what ever it takes to be defined and seen as cool.

 

Within my next blog, I will be continuing with the self forgiveness process with regards to my ranting and raving here and once I'm done covering this point, unless I'd see another dimension with regards to multiple partners, I will start walking the process of change through practical corrective application.

 

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

 

A few days ago, I was listening to one of Anu's latest interviews: Reptilians - Justifying Control on the Premise of Unity - part 88 where he explained his motivation or trigger point of spiting the elders who he perceived to limit and control him when they didn't see eye to eye the future of existence. What I've realized in that moment is the relationship between parents and children and why is it that children will deliberately try to break their limitations by doing that which will contradict their upbringing and within that, a sense of spite would emerge within and as them.

 

And as I'm walking through the multiple partners in relation to sexual suppression dimension, a memory came up of my mother telling me: "When a girl is sleeping around, she is a slut, when a boy sleep around, he is a stud". In that moment, I made a decision which I wasn't aware yet at that time - I will prove her wrong.

 

I didn't accept the old fashion judgement of men are allowed to have sexual fun while the females are not allowed. It didn't make sense to me because for a men to have multiple partners, he must have a multiple partner lol. And so, it doesn't make sense that all his female's partner are a slut. I saw this statement by my mother to be faulty and old fashion. I saw it as something I shouldn't listen to and that I must have multiple sexual experiences to feel alive.

 

Obviously, I didn't see that my mother wants to protect me; I didn't see the common sense in what she was trying to tell me with regards to having multiple sexual partners vs. having a supportive agreement with One partner.

I guess, if she would have explained to me the time line, the reason, the common sense in having One partner where I can develop myself with, grow and empower myself, I might have listen to her back then as I would have been able seeing common sense for myself. What I did see was my mother's fear of what society would say about me, if I were to be one of those females who would have multiple sexual partners.

 

However, I didn't listen to her, and I developed another entity within our relationship - one entity that my mother would be proud of, as the perfect daughter, and one who is secretly doing what I shouldn't have been doing according to my upbringing.

 

What is clear to me today is that parents have no clue of how to raise their kids in common sense and as they try to control the children and raise them according to the parents' eyes view, they are in essence creating the exact opposite - rebellion kids that would do exactly what the parents don't want them to do. The kids would feel restrain, powerless and limited by their parents and would act it spite, to prove the parents wrong, to break off the limits that one is experiencing.

 

So the questions are - it is really wrong to have multiple partners? Is it because parents fear their neighbours to judge their children? How is it that beings are not educated to have a partner in agreement? Why is the media impulsing and stipulating the youth to have as many sexual experiences as possible? WHY and HOW we have accepted and allowed such secrecy around sex and sexuality and it is not part of the child's education process?

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

 

Some time during my childhood years, I heard someone judging one's parents for being only with each other since they were kids. This being said that he can't imagine having one partner throughout one's life time and said they have no idea what they have missed and whether or not their partner is a good sex partner because they do not have any reference point. Obviously, I was a child and didn't know what this being was saying.. But now, when walking my Journey into discovering my sexual suppressions and sexual patterns, I see, realize and understand that that very statement this being has made, imprinted into my flesh and from that moment onwards I've made the decision that I will never merry with my first sex partner and I will have multiple sexual experiences so that I know what sex is and what specifically a good sex is.

 

It is interesting how we fuck ourselves with making decisions that are based in fear, making decision without even being aware of our decisions being made; interesting the influences we are exposed to without having any tools to filter in common sense where the other beings as potential influences are in their own process.

 

So, I see now another dimension for why I've decided to break up from my first boyfriend before even having sex with him and it was because I knew, he cannot be the ONE. How can he be if I'm going to break up with him anyway because I wouldn't allow myself to be with the first guy I slept with.

 

And so, I've started my sexual journey - making sure my partners won't be the ONEs so that I can have sexual EXPERIENCES lol.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to never be and marry the first guy I was having sex with because I believed I would miss out sexual experiences without even being aware of what is it that I'm missing out. Within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to FEAR missing out if I marry the first partner I had because I wouldn't have any reference points with regards to sex and thus, I would end up regretting, having boring sex life and be frustrated when I realized I made a mistake that cannot be taken back.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to imprint someone's statements as one's opinions with regards to having one partner of multiple partners and accordingly, making the decision of having multiple partners so that I would make sure that before I settle in, I'll have many sexual experiences and I would be certain that my partner can satisfied me for as long as I live. I see, realize and understand how and why I've made the decision of having multiple sex partner throughout my life and how through one single statement another being has made, I have accepted and allowed myself to based life decisions with regards to sex, sexuality and my choices in partners.

 

In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define, connect, associate the idea of having one partner throughout one's life as having a boring, unsatisfied and frustrating relationship and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge people who had only had one partner in their life as boring which through this, I've made the decision to have as many sexual partner as possible before getting married so that I can be certain that I've experienced enough, I'm a cool person and no one would see me as boring human being.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how and why I have become my own enemy as I've disrespected myself to the extent of making decisions that do not support me and my human physical body but rather, support an idea that I've heard as a child that would stand within and as my decision that I've made as a child to not marry the first guy I was sleeping with.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself a world where the media stimulate and encourage beings to have multiple sexual experiences with various partners and within that, define those beings as cool while the others are boring and dorks. And in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where children are being supported in realizing why and how an agreement is the platform to experience and explore oneself as Sex, in self intimacy with oneself and one's partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must prove myself to my friends and show them how cool I am when sleeping around and having meaningless sex with partner that do not respect me in a direct relationship to how I didn't respect myself and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to need being validated by friends as cool through having sex with cool guys and I haven't realized how and why I've abused and sabotage myself within my own desire of wanting to feel belong.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assess my relationships through whether or not I had enough sexual experiences instead of assessing my relationships with males according to whether the relationship is supporting us both, in developing intimate and physical communication, exploring physical sexuality and coming together in agreement of individual and mutual assistance and support within our processes.

 

 

 

 

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Continuing to explore, investigate and see who, why and what I am as sex. For quite some time, I've been resisting walking my Agreement course due to "knowing" I would have to forgive myself for that which I've accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed on my past choices and partners. BUT - as I was walking my last few blogs, I've realized that the only one who judge me is myself because I haven't unconditionally forgiven myself. I used to take my past personally and feel regret and shame for the choices I've made. Now, I realize that what ever I've decide previously was only came from the patterns/characters/personalities that I've created throughout my life, in separation and deliberately blindness. So, why should I judge something I can change? I should I judge something I wasn't even aware I was responsible for? Why should I judge my own creation if I can recreate it? and so.. This topic had come - "Multiple Partners - Shame on you".

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I've chosen in my past and in that, perpetuating how powerless I am in standing and taking responsibility to stop recreating myself as an automated organic robot.

 

I now see, realize and understand that judging myself for the choices I've made is pointless and useless and I rather apply myself within the principle of what is best for all within the starting point of making the choices that would result with the best and utmost outcome for all.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself judging myself for the choices I've made in my past with regards to my partners, I stop, I breathe and I align myself to myself as my physical human body. I realize that continuing judging myself wouldn't change the fact that it was always me who made the decisions and it would always be me who makes decision in every moment of every breath and thus, I assist and support myself with aligning myself to what I've accepted and allowed within and as myself and accordingly, stand as the directive principle and change myself breath by breath, step by step, within and as that which is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my past as the choices I've made with regards to sex, sexuality and partners when and as I investigate the patterns/characters that I've accepted and allowed within and as myself. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself for taking the responsibility in assisting and supporting myself to change and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take that which I've become personally instead of realizing that I've created myself as a victim to my own programming but in every moment, there is a window of opportunity as breath, to stand up, change and stop recreating the consequences that I've continuously created throughout my life and in this, I am the one who decide.

 

I see, realize and understand that reacting to who I was in my past is pointless and useless because my past doesn't define me but Who I am within the decisions that I make breath by breath are the ones I would utilize to measure my self honesty in terms of my change and accordingly, in self honesty assess what points I require to go deeper when and as I see a thought/reaction that comes up in relation to my past within my relationship to sex, sexuality and my ex partners.

 

I commit myself to STOP reacting and taking myself personally as I see, realize and understand the programming that was involved and how I'm directly responsible for everything I've chosen throughout my life and thus, I commit myself to transform my reactions towards my past to moments of opportunities where I'm able to assist and support myself in seeing the pattern that played out, my responsibility within it and through a process of physical self forgiveness application, I assist and support myself in self honesty to release the energetic expression that I've become and stand as a physical expression as who I am in every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dirty for the choices I've made in my past with regards to sex, sexuality and partners and instead of realizing what led me to the choices I've made through walking the time line from the trigger point to the activation point through the end line and see the pattern that played out, I've disrespected myself by judging myself, believing that I'll become clean if I suppress my past and won't have sex for a while.

 

I see, realize and understand now that avoiding myself through suppression and denying myself physical sex is not a solution and as long as I won't sort myself out through a process of forgiveness in self honesty, I would always judge myself even if it's burry deep inside myself.

 

I commit myself to dig myself back to earth, to the physical reality, to myself, as I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress that which I've become through believing that if I won't think about it, I'll be ok. I now see, realize and understand that as long as I would accept and allow the past old programs that I've created and installed within and as my flesh to run in the back ground of my automated organic robotic life, I would repeat the same patterns again and again and again and thus, I commit myself to stop, take responsibility, apply myself, change myself and LIVE!

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look back at my life in shame for the choices I've made in relation to sex, sexuality and partners and I haven't realized that I can utilize the shame to support myself instead of diminishing myself through going back in time within writing the time lines and correct that which I see to be required for correction so that I could re-create myself as a physical living human being that walk in every moment of breath as that which is best for all if I allow myself to forgive myself and transform myself from energy vampire to physical best for all living application, breath by breath.

 

I see, realize and understand how and why I've used Shame to destroy myself, to diminish and disrespect myself and within that, haven't given myself a chance to correct Who I am within the choices I've made and thus, I see, realize and understand that I've abused and sabotaged myself through the experience of shame because I've not transform the shame into gift of self introspection from the starting point of assisting and supporting myself to change who and what I've become but rather used the experience of shame to enslave myself into self unworthiness that led to years of not being able to sustain a relationship because I haven't respected and trusted myself enough to be of worth to anything or anyone.

 

I commit myself to unconditionally forgive myself for my past actions, behaviour, patterns and to STOP the cycle of abuse and sabotage within and as myself by giving value to my past as that which defines me.

I realise that I've not defined by my past unless I decides to because I'm only the one who decide.

I realize that I've a window of opportunity to assist and support myself with stopping the cycle of self abuse and transform into and as a physical living human being that walk in every breath according to that which is best for all.