How fear can control your life (Part one) - Day 482

Within my Woman's Journey to Life blog, I have been walking extensively  the point of relationship to assist and support myself and other women in the world to get to the nitty gritty of ourselves when it comes to relationship with a male so that we are able to create and develop effective relationships with ourselves and as such, with another;

 

In this blog series though, I will show how one point of fear, fear of parents in relation to one's sexuality, created consequences in my life and how in looking back, these consequences could have been prevented if I was more aware of my mind and my thinking processes. Thus, if you are a teenager or a parent to a teenager, you will be able to walk with me, into my introspection process and hopefully support yourself and/or your child by understanding the teenager's thought processes, if sexuality isn't a topic that is openly discussed at home.

 

With me, I didn't feel that I have anyone to talk when I was a teenager and many teenagers today can relate to this experience of not being able to share themselves unconditionally with their parents/friends/partners. Unfortunately, many of the teenagers that feel that way, tend to become secretive in doing things behind the parents' back, hoping that what the parents don't know won't hurt them; only that in many cases, the teenagers are the ones who get hurt, by making reckless decisions that are based on unconscious fears.

 

What I found in my process of introspection of my own mind, was that the mind is layered with memories and information and sometimes, when I 'think' that I got to the source in relation to one specific pattern that played out in my life, a new layer opens up, uncovering another piece of information in my journey of getting to know myself as the mind.

 

A few days ago, I was asked a simple question: "How did I feel about relationships in the past?" interestingly enough, I "thought" that I knew the answer because I've walked that path before when I investigated who I was in my past relationships. At the same time, there was a point of resistance towards the question because I couldn't allocate the point of 'feeling about' past relationship; what does it mean 'feel about' something?!

 

When I started writing the point for myself, I walked again my first relationship but this time, more focusing on my hidden back chat, the thoughts/feeling/emotions that I couldn't even admit to myself. As I mentioned in one of my blogs, my first partner was like 'prince charming' whereas I could experience myself in a way that I always imagined relationships to feel like - he loved me like no one else did before, he was expressive, romantic, caring, intimate. He was one of this unique guys that would write songs for me, sing them to me, write me love letters and so forth - it was really a relationship that every girl would want for herself and yet, out of the blow, I broke up with him.

 

For years I tried to justify for myself why I broke up with him, making myself believe that I wanted something more, I wanted maturity in the sense of taking our relationship to the next step of getting married and moving out of our parents' house but because we were only 16 years old, this future was far away in time and I couldn't wait till that future manifest. I made myself believe that I broke up with him so that I could find another man whom with I am able to manifest this future sooner because I didn't like the way I experienced myself at home and I hoped that once I move out, I could expression all these expression that I suppressed at home.

 

Though, as I said before, another layer opened up this time where I was able to see the real reason of why I broke up with him and how by doing so, I compromised myself and created consequences for years to come.

 

This I will continue sharing in my next blog post.

 

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Are work - Nomi Chi

 

 

 

The Difference between Adoration and Love - Day 372

 

 

This point opened up today on Facebook by Dorit Bar where she was enticing the readers' mind to look at the difference between Adoring someone to Loving someone and so, I decided to participate in the thread she opened up by writing this blog:

 

We all have pictures in our mind about something and/or someone; and a good example of this is by a simple exercise: Speak the name of your best friend - What would you see immediately in your mind? a picture of this friend. Try this again, speak the name of your loved one and what would you immediately see in your mind - the image of the person you love. Now, let's try another thing - Speak the name of your most hateful person in your world - what would you see? The picture of this person.

That means that no matter what is your experience towards a person, the first thing that would come up in your mind is a picture of this person. If you slow yourself down, you could also noticed that there is a positive or a negative energy that comes up and suddenly, your physical body would start changing slightly. This means that just by speaking another person name, there is a network of information that one is able to immediate access to and consciously aware of as well as information that one would automatically access to that one would not even be aware of until one would be shown that this had actually happened in one's mind. (Obviously, within the process of writing and investigating what one is accepting and allowing one to be and become, one is slowly become more and more aware of what is really going on in one's mind - for this I suggest to investigate the DIP Lite Free online course). The experience associated with the person would determine according to your interpretation of the person, according to your past events, memories, experiences, knowledge that in most cases, doesn't have anything to do with the person themselves but rather, only how you perceive the person through your own mind.

 

Alright, so now that we understand what does it means having a picture in our minds towards another, we can have a look at the following point:

Many of us have people we adore - it can be anything from a celebrity or a politician, a teacher or a parent - we created an image of the ones we adore in our mind and we start associating the pictures with characteristic that we believe these people hold within themselves. So now for instance, we have been "lucky" and the person we adore is interested in us and a relationship start developing. Initially, we would feel the butterflies and the excitement because from our perspective, the person we just started being in a relationship with, carries all the characteristics that we have assigned to them in our minds (without even knowing them), the very same characteristic that made us adoring them in the first place. So the relationship started off on the promise that what is in our mind is what real and from adoring them, we are now moving to loving them but a few weeks/months/years later, we start realizing that the picture we created in our mind has nothing to do with the reality; has nothing to do with the person we are in a relationship with; and soon enough, the relationship fall apart because the imagination reality didn't meet the physical reality and what we based our relationship upon, the ground from which the feelings has emerged is no longer there and the relationship collapse - this is also how quick Love turns into Hate.

Obviously, not all relationships fall apart - according to the stats, 50% of the marriages ends up in divorce and then the cycle repeat itself with another relationship that started off from a picture in our mind, evolved into characteristic we assigned to the pictures and moved into feelings we associated with our inner experiences and again, there are 50% chances that the Feeling will soon enough change into Emotions of Hate and resentment.

 

This means that there isn't much difference between Adoring someone and Loving someone - both are the outflow of something we have actually created within our minds. There is a value system attached to it, there is a self interest attached to it and in no way we have based the relationship on a principle of absolute support wherein both would stand as a pillar of unconditional support to enhance, empower and grow each other in becoming a better human beings in this world that would care enough to stand up and take responsibility for one's mind in a clear decision of what one would accept and allow within oneself and one's world and what one would not.

 

I wouldn't trust Love unless it is measurable on a physical level where one Live the word Love in every breath one take where one move and direct oneself towards one goal - bringing the Expression of Love to earth by creating a world system that protect, honor and respect all lives.  Saying you love someone and hate another, saying you love someone and allow the majority to live in misery isn't Love - it is an empty word that is based on self interest. Love would be a visible action of doing what ever it takes to change this world system to a system that support all living beings.

 

More about Love: https://eqafe.com/searches?utf8=%E2%9C%93&q=love

 

Free Download

Becoming a Parent of all the Children in this world - Day 368

 

 

A few days ago, it was the International Mothers Day and these 2 blogs came up online:

Day 379: Motherhood and Brainwashing

Day 301 - A Call to All Mothers

 

If you followed my blogs thus far, you would know that I'm not a mother and that my priority at the moment isn't Motherhood. As for myself, I've walked a process from being extremely possessed within the desire of having a child 5 years ago, to being extremely possessed  and believing that I do not want to be a mother until I got Here - to a point of equilibrium wherein when/if the point is here, I would look at the practicality of it and accordingly make a decision that is best for all.

 

Though, once I read these 2 blogs above I have realized that I am a mother; a mother of all children in this world because I now understand my responsibility as a human being with the ability and means to care-for and support all the children in this world and this is why I have made the commitment to do what is necessary to be done to bring about a world that is best for all and thus within that, best for all the children in this world.

 

When I talk with people that are already parents, there are these typical saying such as: "when you'll be a mother, you'll see things differently" or "You must experience giving birth" or "Only a mother can understand" and I'm sorry to break the News but I don't need to become a mother to value the value of Life and I don't need to become a mother to care about another human being. From my perspective, caring and loving a child only because it came out of me is a limited form of caring and loving because doesn't it make much more sense to be able to care and love any child, even if the child didn't come from your physical body? Doesn't it make sense to care also for a child that is not you own as Equal?

 

So now, I'm asking - if you as mothers understand what Care and Love is - wouldn't you want all children to be cared for and Loved? Now that you are mothers, you understand the bond a mother and a child has and that without this bond, the chances of a child to grow in a supportive environment is low isn't it? so if we do all understand how dependent a baby is on their mother, why are we all sit tight in our family nets instead of making sure that all children has the support that every child need? And that every child has the opportunity to feel safe, considered, cared for and Loved?

 

I'm sure you have realized by now that unless we do something, no one would as nothing within the current world system is trustworthy. The problem is that despite of us understanding that something needs to be done and that the solution wouldn't come from high above, we do nothing because we still hope that somehow, things will get better while the physical reality show us the direct opposite. However, the longer we wait, the more children suffer, the more children separated from their motherly bond, the more children are being abused and so - we cannot wait.

 

So - If you are in a position where your life style allows you to invest an hour or two per day to read all about the possibilities of changing the world to a place that is best for all, please make your time worthwhile and investigate how can YOU be the key, the Mother/Father of all the children in this world. These children are crying and screaming for us to take care of them, as the system failed  them and they have to bear the consequences and as such, they do not have anyone but us. The Equal Money System is the foundation from which Real Love and Care can birth from so let's make a stand and move towards a system that Value Life.

 

Free song and an Eye opener:

The Correction Process and The Desteni Message (Part 6) - Day 203

The Relationship between Preference and Free Choice:

 

This is a continuation to:

The Correction Process and The Desteni Message (Part 1) - Day 198

The Correction Process and The Desteni Message (Part 2) - Day 199

The Correction Process and The Desteni Message (Part 3) - Day 200

The Correction Process and The Desteni Message (Part 4) - Day 201

The Correction Process and The Desteni Message (Part 5) - Day 202

 

Let's take another example of how preferences are playing a rule in our life within and as the starting point of one's self interest. As a parent - one may 'prefer' that one's  children is quiet in specific moments of the day and one would justify it to oneself by stating that "it was a hard day at work, I must rest for a moment", or " I require to rest and get the sufficient strength in being able to spend time with my child later because my child is taking so much energy from me". However, within one's 'preferences', that one's child should watch TV, one didn't take into consideration the consequential outflows of one's child' development and for example, the relationship between Children TV series and Consumerism. Within that context, regardless if you are a parent or not, I suggest watching the documentary "Consumerism Kids". ( "… The film focuses on the explosive growth of child marketing in the wake of deregulation, showing how youth marketers have used the latest advances in psychology, anthropology, and neuroscience to transform American children into one of the most powerful and profitable consumer demographics in the world. Consuming Kids pushes back against the wholesale commercialization of childhood, raising urgent questions about the ethics of children’s marketing and its impact on the health and well-being of kids." )

 

If we trace back our Parent's Pre-programming, we'd see that our parents behaved exactly the same (the same patterns), which we now as a parent behave as, as we had copied the program from our parents and we are now transferring the same programming to our children (The Sin of the Fathers). Thus, here, we can see again the relationship between our preference and our pre-programming, where we, haven't considered within and as ourselves, the implications of where for instance, my preferences came from? Where in my life have I created the 'idea' that 'I must rest because I had an hard day at work and unless I rest, I won't be able to spend time with my children'. Why it is that our solution to entertain our children is through placing them in front of the TV and whether or not, this solution would result with the best outcome for a child in terms of a child's development - mentally and physically. Within that, the question we must ask ourselves is - Does one, as a parent, have free choice within one's preference in placing one's child in front of the TV so that one could take a nap/rest? What is then the relationship between Preferences and Free choice?

 

So - I suggest to really take an inner look when and as we speak/think the words: "I prefer" and how we would act, based on our Preference because, as was shown in these blogs, our preferences, may not even be our owns but a copied program that we had copied from our parents, with no self awareness.

 

The BeLIEf that parents love their Children and would not teach them harmful ways of living is thwarted by the evidence presented by human society that clearly indicate that Man do not care about Man. Parenting is the foundation and the backbone of society and society is the evidence of Parenting. Study the Physical Quantum Dynamics of the Mind to understand why Society at large is a Mess or you remain part of the mess while living in the self created illusion in your mind. Bernard Poolman

 

Some may Negatively react to the above statement because we cannot even compute that our parenting skills  are part of the enlarged problem of this world because, from our perspective, we are good parents and love our children so much that we will do anything in our power to protect them and educate them to our best of our abilities. However we are not considering the outflows of our actions, in for instance, placing our child in front of the TV so that we can have a moment for ourselves, as a pre-programmed Preference, before we investigate the Physical dynamics and the outflows that would result with our actions, is a concerning point we must address.

 

And now, again, it is not a judgement, it is not a point that is either Negative or Positive - we were never trained to investigate all things and keep that which is good in a practical manner. We were never trained to be effective parents but rather, we were trained to copy our parents programming and became their exact duplicate in how we would raise our own children and that goes far back, as the sin of the fathers.

 

The Desteni Message will show you what one had never considered before and accordingly present solutions to sort out the problem from its origin/core/source through a process of correction, which we will get to, in blogs to come.

 

In my next blog, we will have a closer look at Free Choice in the context of one's preferences.

Melancholia after Break Up Continued - Day 174

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

Melancholia after a Break Up - Day 173

 

I Commit myself to Remind myself that going on and on in my mind, looping around memories, trying to figuring out what I've done wrong and how I can correct myself is impractical and thus, when and as I see myself accessing my mind, perpetuating the Sadness that I've accepted and allowed within and as myself to immediately STOP, BEATHE and Literally bring myself back here, to and as my human physical body and utilize the 4 Count breath if necessary till the Energy dissipate and I'm clear and stable within and as myself. Within this, I commit myself to assist and support myself in seeing the nature of the Melancholia, My Starting point and the Hidden Desire that activated the point through writing, SF and Practical Corrective Actions.

 

I Commit myself to Remind myself that accessing Melancholic mode and within that, accepting and allowing Melancholia to become my entire existence is unacceptable as I see, realize and understand that through allowing myself to become Melancholic, I accept and allow myself to give up on myself through separating myself to such an extent of believing myself to be so Sad and that this sadness is real, not seeing, realizing and understanding that for my mind, this Sadness is a good thing as the mind consume the energy that is busy manifesting when accepting and allowing sadness to exists within and as me. Thus, When and as I see myself accessing Melancholic depression, I stop, I breathe, I'm HERE. I remind myself that what I've accepted and allowed within and as myself is just Energy and that WHO I AM is not Energy. Therefor, I stand up, Shake the Energy off of me, Letting it go and aligning myself with and as my human physical body, in one Breath.

 

I Commit myself to NEVER AGAIN justify and reasoning why it is OK for me to take a moment and break down, why it is OK for me to access Melancholia and Why it is fine to feel those Negative Emotions inside of me. I see, realize and understand that I am always the ONE who Decide and it would be only me who Decide to either accept and allow Melancholia or stand up, Breath and let the Energy go within seeing that accepting and allowing the energy possession to control me and my entire human body is in no way supporting myself nor my body.

 

I Commit myself to Never again abuse and sabotage myself to satisfied my Preprogramed desires as I now see, realize and understand that placing Value in these Desires is Directly and Indirectly stating that I have No respect for myself and when I don't have respect for myself, I do not have respect for LIFE.

 

I Commit myself to Show how Melancholia is a Mind Controlled State where a being is abdicating one's responsibility towards oneself and one's world and that within that, one ALWAYS have the power to Decide what one will accept and allow and what one won't.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW the relationship between Melancholia after a break up and the Media as Magazines, Fairy Tale movies, Books and Story and how through the Media, humanity had become control to their own Minds to the extent of abusing themselves and their human physical body within the Belief that it is human Nature to experience Melancholia after a break up because that is what promoted in the Media.

Melancholia after a Break Up - Day 173

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to break down after a break up from my partner for an extensive period of time where all I could think about was what have I done wrong and how was it possible that we broke up because everything was so perfect and in that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to spend hours in my mind, going back and forth throughout all the memories that I had with him, in the attempt to figure out how can I correct it and make him to change his mind.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access Melancholic experience after the break up to the extent of not going out of bed for almost 4 days and in that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself during the time in bed, to think again and again and again, in my mind, about our last moment together of him leaving the house and not looking back while I'm lying on the floor as if the end of the world had arrived and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through rapidity going over this moment in my mind, to perpetuate my emotions and re-live the experience, not seeing, realizing and understanding that despite of what had happened, I'm still here, I remain and to continue participating in the mind is not practical assistance and support that I'm able to gift to myself, to come down to this physical reality, take a breath and simply be here - continue walking, breath by breath, step by step.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel like my entire human physical body is tearing apart after the break up, as if someone took my stomach and turn is back and forth, up and down and pushing it in and out. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to instead of questioning and investigating the nature of my experience and why and how I'm deliberately creating this experience, I've accepted and allowed the experience as if it was me, as if it was real and in that justify why I'm allowed to be in agony because after all - I was just been dump by the love of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having the experience of melancholia for so long because others had told me that: "Yes, it takes time but not that much time, Maya, it's time to stop this" and within that, instead of assisting and supporting myself to step out of the experience that I've created within and as my mind and believed so much that it was all real, I've closed myself at home, allowing sadness to take total control over me and slowly but surely let my friendship relationships slip away because my friends couldn't support my existence in melancholia which I so deeply had decided to remain within and as.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hang out with guys that if my Ex would have seen me with, he would have become Jealous and so, I made sure to spend time with celebs within the hope that I would be captured in the newspaper with them. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hang out with guys from the starting point of making my Ex jealous, and in no way had any respect to myself nor my body within my mission to do what ever it takes to win my man back.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to plan each and every move that I've made within the starting point of whether or not it will take me one step further to get back with my partner and so, for example when I had birthday, I made sure to invite as many people as possible, and as many attractive guys as possible so that when my ex will surprise me and come to my party, he would see me with these attractive guys and become jealous, realize he had made a mistake and come back to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when realizing he will not come to the party and see the scene that I've prepared to such great details for him, to drink my sorrow up with Alcohol and spend the night with a guy that had no respect for me, just that I won't be alone, facing my agony and misery that I've created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when going out with friends, to go out to places with the highest chances that if my ex would be in town, it would be the place I would party in so that we could meet each other again and as he would see me, he would immediately realize that he had done a mistake by breaking up with me. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy myself, be here, with my friends when we went out to party as I was consistently, looking for my Ex, hoping faith will bring us back together and when the moment didn't arrive, to drink myself up, so that I could feel unlimited to spend the night with another guy so that for a moment, I could feel desired and yearned for, only that, I never did - the melancholia was always there - with or without Alcohol and sex.

 

To be Continued...

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create and believe in my creation of my own misery so that I could live out the fantasy of being saved by my Prince Charming and as years passed by and the ONE LOVE didn't show up, I created more misery for myself and more sadness for myself, not seeing the relationship between my desire to be saved by the ONE and the misery that I put myself through so that I could have this experienced of being saved. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself to such an extent that I prepared the way before me, in deliberateness, for someone to save me through the belief that it would be the only way that I could experience the LOVE, not seeing, realizing and understanding the consequential outflows of my desires.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the desire of being saved from  my own sadness as a design that I've created within and as myself, looking for the missing piece - for a guy that would play along within this design - one that had accepted and allowed oneself to participate within and as the Desire to Save.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to LIVE out the fantasy of a princess that is being saved by prince charming and accordingly, had set the scenes, preparing myself so completely with accessing all the agony and sadness that comes with it and I haven't seen, realized and understood how this fantasy was created through imprinting the fairy tales story into me, already from the childhood years, believing that this should be my story and therefore, became the character of my own life, to stand in alignment with the fantasy scene that I was busy building up where all along, the one point that kept me going was HOPE that my Love Story would end up like in the Movies = happily ever after.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get in a relationship from the starting point of the desire of being saved and I haven't seen, realized and understood the consequences of starting a relationship from a desire to be saved wherein, once I change my the dynamic within the relationship where I no longer need to be saved as I already experienced that LOVE and already got the guy, the relationship can no longer stand since it was no more in alignment with the desire of wanting to be saved as wanting to save.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate guys through my own desire to be saved, through presenting myself as Sad and within that, to open a door for the guy, to access his own design of being the saviour so that we could both play the game and live happily ever after.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through deliberately become the sadness character - always seeking for Drama, for a story that I would then utilize to manipulate the guys that are carrying the Design of a saviour and within my own self manipulation, I became to know me as Sad and accepted the sadness as me, not seeing, realizing and understanding that becoming sad was my own deliberate decision that I've accepted and allowed myself to stand as and I haven't seen how powerful I am within my own creation of sadness, as I've also created the forgetfulness that I was the one who decided to create myself as sadness as a manipulative action to attract a guy.

 

For male's perspective regarding the design of wanting to save a girl - suggest reading Fidelis's Journey to Life - Day 65 - Also Attracted to Broken Girls Part 2 

 

I Commit myself to show how a child is creating a fantasy in one's mind, in the first 7 years of one's life and accordingly, would slowly but surely, start playing the character role that one had put forth to oneself without seeing, realizing and understanding the consequential outflows that one is creating within the acceptance and allowance of oneself to participate in one's desires that one would design oneself as throughout one's life.

 

I Commit myself to remind myself that I am always the ONE who decide and what ever I created myself as, I also created the forgetfulness of becoming my own creation so that I would never find out that I've created myself as such and accordingly change.

 

I Commit myself to Expose the Design of the Saviour and being Saved that human beings are participating in our journey to find the ONE, the LOVE and within that, SHOW the relationship between the Design and the Media.

 

I Commit myself to be attentive to how my Mode is changing when and as I meet a guy and within that, make sure that I'm not accessing the design of being saved where I would manipulate myself into becoming sad to draw attention within the Hope that the guy would play along and carry the Saviour character.

The Love Experience - Day 170

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where children are being extensively brainwashed into becoming Self Interests Vampires, searching and looking for LOVE that would give one the Experience of Divinity, Wholeness, completeness, Loved and Cared for, for only a Moment, and through this, the children are turning into adults that would perpetuate the separation that is based on one's Self Interest in a divided, cruel and abusive words, which they would justify the wars for example in the name of Love.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the Reason why Love was promoted in this world is for us to not face our fears of being alone and so, instead of assisting and supporting the human race with giving them tools to be able to face and deal with their fears, Humanity had become Zombies - totally blinded from seeing reality as what it is and only focus on one's achievement for one's love and accordingly, never even consider creating a world that is best for all where the Self Interest transform to a common interest that is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the Idea about LOVE that is prompt into children from a very young age through the media as fairy tales, Books and TV, is coming from the starting point of Controlling the masses so that we would never, ever, stand up for a world that is best for all because through this brainwashing, we remain enslaved to the idea/concept of LOVE as an experience which we must attain at least once in our lives and within that, we will not rest until we will have it, we will not see anything, until we will have it and from that perspective, we will not care of anything or anyone else as long as we maintain and get to this moment of Love that would fulfil our inner self wit emotions and feelings that will entirely take over any chance of common sense and within that - seeing reality as it is, what is required to be done to be able to establish, develop and manifest a world that is in fact, best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create specific symbolism through which I can define Love as an experience which only when these symbolism are manifested, the feeling of Love is over taking my entire physical body wherein, I'll justify and reason why I'm feeling that which I'm feeling and would in that, ignore the physical reality, all the signs, all the red flags that indicate that I'm accessing another cycle of self sabotage and in that, direct myself within decisions that are based in practicality instead if directing myself according to the symbolism that I've created in my mind which I defined as real and valid.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place values in my illusions regarding LOVE that I've created already in the childhood years and since everyone was holding onto the same values, I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that these values must be real.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see what LOVE is and in that, accepted and allowed myself to always seek for that experience as others had told me that I must experience it within my Life and in that, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of this LOVE, and the consequences of accepting and allowing self to be blinded by this love and in that, questioning - if love was so magnificent and important, why are accepting and allowing a world of HATE that is justified by LOVE?

Values System within my Mind – Day 169

 

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

 

So, it is clear by now that my decisions regarding men were always fucked up so to speak. While writing it all down, it made me realize that my value system was always unstable from the perspective of valuing specific characteristic while always disregarding myself in self trust/respect. 

 

My tendency was going after those who have strong relationship with their dicks (excuse me for being so frank), those who have self confident, very masculine and strong affection to Porn and Masturbation. Obviously, I didn't look at why am I attracted to those characteristics and what is myself interest desire within it.

Through listening to The Relationship between Sexuality and Money interview, I'm seen why and how I developed the tendency to be with assholes guys.

 

Until recently, the moment I met a guy or targeted someone as the prospected partner, the first thought that came up in my mind was - will he be able to financially take care of me. Now, it is not that I'm not capable to take care of myself but the preprograming is so extensive that only when slowing myself down, I noticed the existence of this backchat within my mind.

I would than go to the imagination dimension, seeing us together, already living together and having a future together. For more about the imagination dimension, please read:  Illusion Reality vs. the Physical Reality - Day 3 as well as watch: Illusion Reality vs. the Physical Reality YouTube video.

 

However, I never investigated the nature of the back chat in relationship to the male's relationship with one's sexuality and money and my attraction towards these men.

As I'm scanning through my past relationships, each one of them had the potential of being financial stable and each one of them had a close relationship to Porn and Masturbation. And the guys that were chasing after me, where exactly the opposite - no financial stability and no close relationship to Porn and Masturbation.

 

So, what does it says about me? Where, why and how I've placed within me the values that led me to make such decisions? What did I valued vs. what I didn't value and who I was within these values and whether or not I have ever valued myself? Where did I pick up these values and who taught me these values?

Lots of question that I never asked myself and thus, so blindly followed these values and fell into the same pattern within the decisions I've made, over and over again.

 

From tomorrow - extensive Self Forgiveness regarding all the points I've written down recently. Stay tuned.

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

 

Continuing with Love, Sex and Spirituality -

 

And so.. As time past by, my resistance towards having a partner had grown and it was 2 years before I had sex again.

 

Obviously, not having sex for 2 years had made me feel good about myself, like I'm more than who I am or who I was, that I'm clean, purified and ready for my ONE.

 

That time, I lived in a small neighborhood that was mostly defined by the various artists that lived there. It

Was by itself, a Spiritual place - and it was where I was first exposed to Spirituality.

I was known by lots of people because I used to walk with my dog many times during the day as well as working in a gallery in the centre of the neighborhood where I could sit down on the street coffee shop when there were no costumers.

 

So, one day, one of the neighbours came to join me on my table and told me a little bit about himself, where is he from, what does he do in Israel and he invited me to come to see his performance which I was very much excited about because the show he was participated in was a show that I wanted to go to for a while.

The day after he called me and said he got a ticket for me and so - I went.

 

To make long story short, this guy followed me around for a few weeks, asked me out, took me to places, used specific words to get my attention, sang song to me and so on. For me, it was a new and exciting experience because his cultural behaviour and mannerism was far from the Average Israeli cultural behaviour and mannerism and I liked it. The words they use in their culture is in a way, respecting, warming, inviting. Like, the woman is considered, appreciated and respected. (Or so I thought :-) )

 

When we got to the Sex Point and I was still holding onto my decision to not have sex until I'm certain that I have supportive relationship with the "One" and also, I was step away from leaving the country for a few months and I couldn't trust that the relationship would stand when I'm gone.

 

Interesting enough, all the Red Flags where there but I didn't want to see because it was disguised with nice words. The pattern that emerged in my life previously showed me that the men that I'm interesting in, only wants sex. Those whom are interesting in me, I do not want them. Obviously, I didn't have the tools to investigate how and why this pattern had emerged throughout my life and how I'm directly the cause of this pattern.

 

At some stage, I became hooked to the new experience with this guy and I was starting to belief that I took the non sex thing to far and that I'm punishing myself by not having sex. The starting point obviously, wasn't self honesty, it was self manipulation so that I could have sex. It wasn't like I suddenly became clear through, investigating why from the get go I punished myself with restraining sex. And so.. I had sex.

 

For the next 2 weeks, before I left, we had cool relationship, we spent lots of time together and slept together almost every night. I had no idea that inside him, he was playing this game because I knew that I'm leaving and that the relationship would fade away as I'm gone. During the time together, I totally lost it and I fall in love. Literally FELL lol.

 

When I came back from India,  I had realized that the entire thing we had previous to my trip was all about sex, and that the words that was used was to get me into bed. He took the non sex thing as a challenge and decided within him that he must break me down. I confronted him about it and asked him directly whether it was all about getting me into bed and he looked me in the eyes and said - Yes. Only Sex.

 

The truth - I was lucky enough to have already walking Process and slowly but surely was more comfortable with my own self application to assist and support me in pulling myself up again and to not suck into another emotional breakdown that may take years to step out of.

 

So, if yesterday I've seen that No Sex = No Relationship and tried to walk the other side of the polairty - Having sex = Having a relationship doesn't work as well. And so - what is really the problem, is it men or me? Where is my Value system through my relationship stories? No where to be found. :-)

 

Anu's interview from today - The Relationship between Sexuality and Money - opened up another dimension regarding my choice in man and my tendency to go after assholes guys. So.. More to come tomorrow which then finally, the entire picture would be clear for me to free myself from my past experiences, my choices, my decisions through a process of Self Forgiveness, Self Commitment and Practical/physical change.

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

 

Continuing with Spiritualizing Love..

 

When I was a spiritual person, I believed that I must purify my Body and my Sex Chakra because of my past sexual partners. I came to believe that unless I retrain sex from myself, I would never find the ONE and that I must preserve my  body for the special guy. Till then.. No sex for me.

 

By the time I came to India and met my 'Master', I was totally possessed by the fact that my soul is not purified, that my soul is dirty and that I must walk a cleansing process to undo what I've done.

My Female Master was working with my sex Chakra and asked me to not have sex during the time I was studying to become an Healer. And blindly, I followed her commend and what happened then?? Obviously, I met a guy.

 

In India, things works in a different pace in comparison to the regular city norms. We spend 2 days together, talking, getting to know each other and 2 days after, we were already living together. "But I can't have sex. It is forbidden. I want to, I can't. maybe it is fine because he is also walking a cleansing process, so maybe I should have sex. I meat, what can go wrong, we already kissed and everything.." - that was my back chat but I couldn't give in to the back chat because the thought about having un purified sex chakra was to much to carry. And facing my master the day after?! Oh no.. Can't go there.

So we didn't have sex and a week after, he decided to move out because according to him, it was too difficult to sleep in my bad without having sex and he cannot stand the temptation.

 

Immediately, I associated the following- Not having sex with a guy Equals to not having a relationship because the only thing a guy wants from me is sex. So, I accepted it, I let him go and within that justified why it was a good decision to not have sex with him. Inside me, I felt resentment towards this guy in particular and towards males in general.

 

When I came back to Israel, I met another guy. He was really sweet and kind and I even step out of my safe zone and allowed myself to go out with him on a date. But - one thing was certain - No sex, not even kissing is allowed.

So, we met a few times and slowly but surely I started developing resentment toward him and was constantly looking for fault in him. every time we met, he asked to kiss me and I said: "No". And as much as he pushed, I became more impatient until I cut it completely off.

Where I'm getting to? Well - I had a dream a few days ago which was as clear as water - no need to interpreted or make any assumptions. Me and this guy from Israel were sleeping together, we were a couple, and I did some things while he was still a sleep lol. When he woke up, he told me: "I didn't know that you are so sexually expressive" and he took some liquid form and wet the bed around me, and said that this liquid will restrain my sexuality. And I woke up.

 

This dream shows me that I've suppressed my sexuality to such an extent that I don't even know myself as a sexual person and that there is a still a part of me that spiritualize sex - a point that I'v not completely investigated and looked at.

 

So… tomorrow.