But I applied Self-Forgiveness - why didn't I change - Day 457

 

Sometime I find myself applying Self-Forgiveness in relation to a specific patterns that I've seen within myself but on a physical level, I self honestly do not see a self-change as the point reoccurring over and over again.

When I investigated the point within myself, I have found that there are 2 dimensions that I must consider:

 

1. It may seem as if there was no Self-Change but in fact, what is showing is simply another dimension that I haven't seen before and hence, I require to work with that which opened up, forgive myself and 'wait' till a moment reveal itself again for me to see/assess if the self forgiveness was effective or there are more dimensions I must open up and investigate within and as myself.
2. I may have forgiven myself however, the automated programming still very must existent and all that is required from me to do now is  to stop and change the programming through accumulation of moments where I physically correct the point within and as myself. Here, What I often find myself doing is firstly judging myself for falling again - "I shouldn't have done that", or "what the fuck now",  or "how could I" or "I can't believe I fell into this again" or "what the hell is wrong with me".  Other times, a memory comes up and I suck into the emotional experience of that memory but at the same time, I do stop myself, not accepting that shit any more the exist within me but the moment after, I judge myself for accessing the memory in the first place not realizing that 'hey, it was me who directed myself to snap out of the emotional experience of the memory as how I've instructed myself when I paved my way before me to physically change myself when/as the memory comes up again.

 

What I also found is that when it is another dimension that opens up which I require to further explore/investigate, the self judgement is not as intense as it is when the exact same programming is repeating itself. Because, in the first scenario, the programming doesn't play out exactly as it was playing out before, something new emerge but when the second scenario is playing out, it is the exact same point that I have worked with before. In other words, taking it back to the nature of Self Judgement, in the first scenario, the self judgement is coming as: "but what am I missing? I don't understand" unlike the second scenario where the self judgement is more in the sense of self-hatred/anger if you will.

 

It is strange that it was said so many times before the Self Forgiveness by itself does not change self as the change must be walked in the physical real time and yet, time after time I judge myself when something that I already looked at and worked on is playing out and yet, the programming takes over and the pattern is playing out again.

 

Interestingly enough, the only point where I literally fall is when I judge myself lol

Because, as I've explained in my previous blog - who I am is not determine by an outcome. Who I am is determine according to my relationship to the outcome and within that, whether or not I will stand up and physically change my living application.

 

Thus, my weakness point throughout the process that I've walked was self judgement where I accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself as a reaction, instead of practically assess myself in any given moment and walk the relevant alignment that would support me to physically change myself when/as a point is 'here' again. Though, as long as I was giving my attention to my own enemy - my own self judgement, I slowed my process of change down as I didn't directly and immediately moved to the correction.

 

Where am I going with this - I realized that if anything, 'self judgement' is unacceptable as it is not in fact assisting and supporting me to expand and empower myself but quite to the contrary - it is limiting my self-expansion growth. So, why have I allowed self judgement to exists within and as me thus far - that is because I have valued myself according to outcomes in separation of myself instead of being humble and patient with myself within the realization that self-value is defined by who I am in how I stand up within myself when/as misalignment is showing itself as a physical outcome.

 

Thus, I commit myself to physically integrate self value within myself through accumulation of moments where I prove to myself that I've corrected and change a point/pattern that was existent within myself. Within this, when/as I see that a change was not yet been absolute as a living expression of myself, I stop, I look, I investigate, align, and move to the next moment where I will physically assess and test my living application.