Melancholia after a Break Up - Day 173

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to break down after a break up from my partner for an extensive period of time where all I could think about was what have I done wrong and how was it possible that we broke up because everything was so perfect and in that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to spend hours in my mind, going back and forth throughout all the memories that I had with him, in the attempt to figure out how can I correct it and make him to change his mind.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access Melancholic experience after the break up to the extent of not going out of bed for almost 4 days and in that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself during the time in bed, to think again and again and again, in my mind, about our last moment together of him leaving the house and not looking back while I'm lying on the floor as if the end of the world had arrived and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through rapidity going over this moment in my mind, to perpetuate my emotions and re-live the experience, not seeing, realizing and understanding that despite of what had happened, I'm still here, I remain and to continue participating in the mind is not practical assistance and support that I'm able to gift to myself, to come down to this physical reality, take a breath and simply be here - continue walking, breath by breath, step by step.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel like my entire human physical body is tearing apart after the break up, as if someone took my stomach and turn is back and forth, up and down and pushing it in and out. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to instead of questioning and investigating the nature of my experience and why and how I'm deliberately creating this experience, I've accepted and allowed the experience as if it was me, as if it was real and in that justify why I'm allowed to be in agony because after all - I was just been dump by the love of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having the experience of melancholia for so long because others had told me that: "Yes, it takes time but not that much time, Maya, it's time to stop this" and within that, instead of assisting and supporting myself to step out of the experience that I've created within and as my mind and believed so much that it was all real, I've closed myself at home, allowing sadness to take total control over me and slowly but surely let my friendship relationships slip away because my friends couldn't support my existence in melancholia which I so deeply had decided to remain within and as.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hang out with guys that if my Ex would have seen me with, he would have become Jealous and so, I made sure to spend time with celebs within the hope that I would be captured in the newspaper with them. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hang out with guys from the starting point of making my Ex jealous, and in no way had any respect to myself nor my body within my mission to do what ever it takes to win my man back.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to plan each and every move that I've made within the starting point of whether or not it will take me one step further to get back with my partner and so, for example when I had birthday, I made sure to invite as many people as possible, and as many attractive guys as possible so that when my ex will surprise me and come to my party, he would see me with these attractive guys and become jealous, realize he had made a mistake and come back to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when realizing he will not come to the party and see the scene that I've prepared to such great details for him, to drink my sorrow up with Alcohol and spend the night with a guy that had no respect for me, just that I won't be alone, facing my agony and misery that I've created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when going out with friends, to go out to places with the highest chances that if my ex would be in town, it would be the place I would party in so that we could meet each other again and as he would see me, he would immediately realize that he had done a mistake by breaking up with me. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy myself, be here, with my friends when we went out to party as I was consistently, looking for my Ex, hoping faith will bring us back together and when the moment didn't arrive, to drink myself up, so that I could feel unlimited to spend the night with another guy so that for a moment, I could feel desired and yearned for, only that, I never did - the melancholia was always there - with or without Alcohol and sex.

 

To be Continued...