How to Deal with the Cheater in one's Mind - Day 235

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

 

So, as described yesterday, I will be walking the Design of Being a Cheater in my Mind and going after those that are Unavailable for a relationship in much more details from what I have walked thus far.

Specifically here, I will be looking at the story I shared yesterday where a guy from my past contacted me recently and apparently, the short communication we had was enough to activate all sorts of memories from our past together.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Fear Relationships but at the Same time, Desire for Sex and the Experience of having Sex Relationship gives me, through which I could defined myself as More than who I am, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the need to define myself as More through external forces is to suppress and ignore the Inner Experience and self definition of being inadequate, insecure and inferior that I've accepted, allowed and created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Experience Guilt when having a relationship with a male who has a partner because within and as me, I knew I would be accountable for the consequences that may emerge however, through Guilt, as a Design, I could define myself as "Moral" and "CONsiderate" while my physical actions implied otherwise and so, Through Guilt, I could suppress and ignore that which I've accepted and allowed myself to walk in misalignment to the principle of 'Do onto others that which you'd like to be done to you' and thus, not taking responsibility for myself and change my living application to an application that I would respect within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the Core/Source/Origion/Reason for why and how I've programmed and designed myself to Define and Experience myself within myself as Insecure, Inadequate and Inferior to the extent of having to look for these the Balanced components out side of myself through physical actions that my Harm other people but would temporary satisfied my Inner Experience with an Outer Experience of being More than another as I was the one the male have chosen to be with.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself why it is Ok to be with a guy that is having a partnership with another through shifting my responsibility as a human being to the guys, not understanding that my justification is a source of all evil - the Desire for Sex that override any form of basic common sense.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as Sexual being when I'm around attractive guys that are in a relationship so that they could secretly Yearn to be with me and thus, I would deliberately entice them to see me as a forbidden fruit they must attain till they make 'the move' and I could justify it for myself that it is their responsibility and I had nothing to do with it.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself when and as I accepted and allowed the Experience of Excitement when and as a guy that is in a relationship with another expressed his secret mind thoughts about me wherein, the nature of the excitement that I had experience was a momentary self satisfaction of feeling More than another, More than I had defined myself as and within that excitement, I had completely ignored the principle of Love your neighbours as yourself and do to others that which you'd like to be done onto you because in that moment of excitement, I had accepted and allowed myself to follow my Mind within my own self interest desire for Sex while disregarding and disrespecting the other human beings that are involved while I could have stopped myself, clear and change myself and stand as a pillar of support, both directly to the guy and indirectly to his partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've manipulated myself through accessing Guilt within and as myself where my mind would go off and think about the guy's partner and how it is not cool that he does such things while all along, I was the one who was responsible in how I was directly involved in seducing the guy into Cheating, either in their mind or physically and how I am the one who is able to stand in absolute self honesty and stability in being able to assist and support the guy to see, realize and understand the design they had accepted and allowed within and as themselves in being able to accordingly take responsibility and change themselves.

 

I commit myself to Stop, when and as I see myself accessing Guilt as I see now that Guilt as a design manifested within and as ourselves when and as there is something we are not willing to sort out, take responsibility and correct and the fact of the matter is that Guilt is Self Manipulation that would keep on Preoccupied in one's backchat and internal conversation instead taking responsibility for what one had accepted and allowed within and as oneself in separation of oneself.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that the Desire for Sex is so overwhelming and if one accept and allow oneself to direct and move oneself based on the Desire for Sex, one would disregard the consequences, self respect and would be willing to abuse oneself and another as the Desire for Sex Override any form of Common Sense.

 

I commit myself to STOP the Desire for Sex as well as the Fear of being in an Intimate and supportive Relationship/Agreement as I see, realize and understand now where I would take myself and others through the Desire and Fear and the consequences therefore.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW that any justification for why it is Ok having sex relationships with another human beings that has a partner is done from the starting point of the Desire for sex and not as a real self support and the support of others.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that having these justification implies that one is not standing stable within and as oneself as how one had defined oneself as insecure, inadequate and inferior through which one would believe one require sex with a partner that already has a partner to balance the inner experience with an external experience which within that, one isn't considering one's responsibility towards oneself and others within the principle of do to others that which you'd like to be done to you.

 

I commit myself to when and as a guy that is having a relationship approach me within the starting point of having me as the forbidden fruit to not accept and allow myself to engage and follow the desire but rather stand in self stability, breath and direct the moment effectively as I see, realize and understand my responsibility within it and the power I have to stand as a support instead of an abuser. 

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

As I've mentioned in the Blog Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship, I had the tendency in my past to find myself attracted mostly to the unavailable males. What start as "innocence communication" and getting to know the being, ended up in a secret sexual relationships.

 

This specific Relationship that I'll be walking here is one of these relationships that lasted for a while, on and off. It all started 11 years ago, when I met a couple when I was traveling somewhere in the world. We spent a few days together and we split up to different directions however, we decided that a few months later, when the female returned to Israel, I'll be joining to  the male along with another friend of his. As was agreed by all parties, I joined the guys for a month and a half and we travelled around, the 3 of us together. What I didn't know at that stage was that there was a secret agreement between the couple that when she will not be there, he could be with me. Till this day I have no idea why none of them told me about this agreement at that point but only years later - which I will get to as I continue writing.

 

So, you know.. Traveling overseas, sleeping in small joint rooms and being all day and night together leads to sexual relationships in most cases. However, his friend was there and innocent me, believed that he doesn't know about us fooling around and this all secretive thing attracted me even more because it was like we had this special bond that only he and I were aware of. During all this time I knew it was a temporary thing because he has a partner and I also liked his partner and didn't want to harm the relationship. Interestingly enough, the guilt wasn't that extensive while we were traveling - the guilt emerged when we were back in Israel.

 

And so, this journey ended - he returned to Israel and I continued to travel with his friends and couple more friends that we met during the way. His friend and I, never discussed what had happened between his friend and I, as if none of it existed and we were simply 3 people, traveling together but there was always this tension between us. he was angry at me for being with his friend and I didn't want to face it by talking about it.

 

When I returned to Israel, I started a new life - met new people, got into the Alcohol and Parties arena and was more 'free butterfly' in comparison to how I used to be, before the 6 months trip in the world that I did.

I got a phone call one day from the guy I was with in a secretive relationship and he told me that he moved to a city close to where I lived and that he wants to meet me. I don't remember the exact details but I met him and we initially became close again, no sex. He started being more consistent in his approach towards me and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I knew his girlfriend is now in the same country as we were and I justified it to myself that it isn't right.

 

One night, we went to a party together and for a moment, we split up. I went to talk to my bartender friends while he went to put my bag in the storage room. Without anyone noticing it, (and till this day I don't know what happened), someone put something in my drink. Any way, as the guy came towards the bar to meet me, I fainted. After a few moments I woke up and I was no longer standing were I stood, I was on the way out with the guy assistance and support. However, in the moment after I fainted again and when I woke up, we were at the entrance of the storage room to take my bag and go home. We finally went out but yet again, I fainted on the middle of the road. Next thing that I remember was us two sitting near the party place, stabilizing my physical as he was holding me, hugging me and taking care of me. Once I was stable again, he kissed me. I took a step back and asked him to stop. This is when he told me the secret agreement that he had with his partner back then, when we were in the overseas, in trying to convince me that it is ok for us to fool around. I didn't accept it and as he pushed more, I resisted more and started experiencing resentment towards him. A few days or weeks after, we met again, after he had promise me that he won't kiss me or try to do anything. However, within me, I really wanted to have sex with him and so we did.  After we had sex, the guilt started to take over because now, I knew within and as myself that I'm responsible, that I did something that I shouldn't do and that I cannot justify myself by saying to myself: "but hey - you are not the one who has a partner, it is his responsibility". I was on my way to get out and leave but before I left, I told him that this must stop and we cannot do this again. If necessary, we won't meet again.

Then he told me that he loves me, that he fell in love with me and that he is leaving his partner if I'll take him.

But me, scared as hell of being intimate for real with another and within that, being in a relationship that might hold for more than a few months, I told him that he doesn't love me, he loves his partner and that he should forget about me and move back to the city he came from where she is. For years later I felt regret that I didn't follow this through because this guy, was a guy to bring home lol. But that is another design that I will write about in another blog.

 

When he told me he loved me, I became completely frightened. I was shocked and my only reaction was - " 'WTF' it cannot be real, it is wrong, no, I cannot allow it." Obviously, I didn't investigate my reactions back then and I simply ignored all of that. So, to be able to face this in terms of suppressing the experience, I started having hatred feelings towards him as if he is so bad for doing this to his partner, not seeing my responsibility within it. and so, I don't think I ever saw him again, we might spoke on the phone one time, by chance, when a friend of mine figured out years later that her co-worker knows me so she called me from work and he took the phone from her. I think that was when he told me that him and his partner are getting married.

 

A few weeks ago, he contacted me. He told me that so much had happened and that he wanted to share with me. I was sure that he either has kids or that they broke up. the thought about him having kids was like a pin in my heart and the thought of them no longer together was like an inner excitement, like maybe now we can set things right. Apparently, they do not have kids but they are still together lol.

 

Then, I got another E-mail from him, telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me for the last 2 weeks and that he told his co-workers about me and the other friend that were traveling with us and how he would like to hug me like old time style. (the time we were together overseas).

 

I reacted to this - first within excitement as if I still have influence on him, because he still have secret thoughts about me, that he remembers me and that if I only want to, he would leave his partner. Then, when I reminded myself that I've walked through the design of me wanting those who are unavailable, the why and how I have accepted and allowed myself in the past to participate in the design and what are the consequences, I initially felt ashamed for participating within the energy experience of excitement when reading his words and seeing his expression in my mind saying these words, then I moved into Guilt within the back chat of - what if she reads this e-mail? I don't want to be responsible for their brake up, I don't want this to start all over again, and then I moved to Anger which I projected towards him. I wrote him back that I really hope that he isn't doing anything in that nature with anyone else because he is married now. I didn't hear from him since.

 

The next day, I started investigating my reactions, my emotions and feelings and why and how this point presented itself again. How is it that despite of me seeing the design, I still invite it into my life and still not standing up and directing myself effectively in not accepting and allowing this kind of shit within me and this world. I felt guilty for this point having to present itself again for me to face and correct myself while I influence other people lives and within that messes up their life.

I was reminded then that the only thing I must focus on is me, and my responsibility within it all. What ever they are going through, is their process to walk because as long as I haven't sorted out myself, I wouldn't be able to stand as a support for them.

 

 

Will continue sharing my investigation and correction in my next blog

 

 

Sex Education - Part 2 - Day 128

 

This is a continuation to:

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

Sex Education - Part 1 - Day 127

 

 

Also, I suggest listening to:

What is Sex - Who am I as Sex - Part 30

What is Sex - Why am I as Sex - Part 31

 

 

I commit myself to investigate in writing, Who I am as Sex, Why I am as Sex and What is Sex to me to assist and support me with allocating my starting point of having sex and in that, to assist and support myself to transform my Mind Sex participation into and as a physical expression of and as myself, as my human physical body, in equality and Oneness.

 

I commit myself to assist and support myself to STOP my participation in my mind while having sex, through a process of writing each and every thought and back chat that I've accepted and allowed during sex so that I could physically be here, as touch, as sex, as a physical expression when having sex, to for the first time, explore and investigate WHO I Am as a physical sex expression.

 

I commit myself to MOVE myself as breath, when and as I'm having sex, without the mind dictating me what to think, how to act, how to preform, what to say, how to move, what to do; I see, realize and understand now how I've deliberately sabotage and in that, abuse myself when having sex as I've done so through the mind, in self interest desire for an experience that I've heard/seen by others and accordingly, have attempted to live their experience instead of Exploring/investigate myself as Sex, as physical expression in equality and oneness as myself human physical body.

 

I commit myself to SHOW the relationship between sexual suppression within and as human being and the lack of supportive and tangible sexual education in this world.

 

I commit myself to support children in developing effective sex education so that they won't have to be left alone to discover themselves while the chances of them abusing themselves and their partner are high as they would try to live their illusions/fantasy in their mind that was and is impulse, imprinted, infused in their mind by the current media and advertisement without having any guideness and support by those who supposed to be their example, their educator, their support structure.

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

 

 

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

 

 

This is a continuation to:

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

 

 

 

I Commit myself to SHOW the relationship between Sexuality and the child upbringing to the extent of the minute details we tend to ignore like how through not explaining to the child the starting point of wearing clothes, one develop intimacy issues through believing that it is wrong being naked around other human beings.

 

I commit myself to SHOW the influences of the biblical stories on a child mind and how through interpreting the stories without a tangible and detailed common sense explanations, the child would create in one's mind beliefs, opinions, ideas, perceptions about one's physical body and physical reality which one would used, as  one grows into age, as a memories store that the one could "buy" from to protect oneself from one's world and one's reality that one has created in one's mind.

 

I commit myself to SHOW how one had develop the Shyness program within and as oneself in relation to Sexuality through the example that one had throughout one's life from those who have come before him.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW that having sex only in the dark is an collectively idea/opinion/desire that we have inserted within ourselves because we FEAR being intimate with ourselves and our partner as a result of our extent separation from ourselves, our body and each other.

 

I commit myself to SHOW the relationship between the Media and our Sexual expression and within that, how we have limited ourselves as our physical sexuality with the support of the Porn industry.

 

I commit myself to SHOW the relationship between our MIND as a limited unreal life form that we have defined as REAL and the Limited physical sexual expression.

 

I commit myself to BECOME intimate with myself and my human physical body through the realization that HOW my body looks like doesn't Define WHO I AM. I see, realize and understand that my body is a vehicle that I may use in this ONE life time and accordingly, I commit myself to cherish, support and care my human physical body and to stop abusing it through creating beliefs and ideas about it.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that one would become sexually limited according to one's upbringing at home through the definition the parents had attach to Sex and Masturbation and the example that the parents stood as in the home environment.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that 60% or more  of those are having sex only in the dark is due to extensive brainwash that we have accepted as ourselves we feel ashamed and embarrassed about our human physical body and would only allow ourselves to enjoy our sexual experiences in the dark. Within that, I commit myself to SUPPORT myself and others to return to ourselves and become intimate with ourselves and our human physical body through a process of self forgiveness and self corrective application. 

 

I commit myself to keep and investigate the why and how I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sexuality so that I could STOP separating myself from myself and become intimate, equal and one as my human physical body and in this, stand as a pillar of support and assistance for those who dare returning to themselves and find out who they are as a living physical human beings.

 

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

 

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

This is a continuation to:

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

 

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the reaction I am experiencing when and as someone sees me naked wherein, from the day I was born, I've been wearing clothes on my body, covering my body and through this, creating the perception that only clothes on the body is validated and naked is extremely wrong. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize how I've been programming myself to believe that I must wear clothes all the time so that no one would ever sees my naked body and this imprint that I've installed within me, has influence my sexuality as being uncomfortable with my naked human physical body either with myself or with my partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the extent of programming that I've inserted within and as myself wherein, if I'm taking a shower or changing clothes and someone mistakably enter the room, I would immediate react and cover myself so that no one would ever see me naked.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate a naked body with SHYness and accordingly, I made sure that no one will see me fully naked and in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of SHYness within and as me in relation to being naked because according to society/culture norms and codes, being naked is something that is not acceptable and one must feel ashamed and shy when one is naked around other human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only time sex is allowed and validated is when it's dark and accordingly, I've made the connection that sex can only be done when the lights are off.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with backchat when and as I'm having sex, just before we start the act, to always make sure that when I'll be naked, the lights are off so my partner would not be able to see me or to be more specific, my naked human physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize how and why I've become so separated from myself as my human physical body, to the extent of which I feel uncomfortable being naked with my partner, not to mention, with myself.

 

 

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to SEE the extent of the brainwashing within the Adam, Eve and the Snake story which I was taught in a very young age and I haven't realize the snake represent the MIND, as the knowledge and information we give value to, and only through the mind, we formulate all kinds and types of ideas/beliefs/opinions that limit our physical expression as we then start experiencing and living our lives from/as the MIND, in absolute separation from WHO we are as a living physical human beings. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give value to the Adam, Eve and the Snake story as my morality that will dictate me to cover my human physical body with clothes because otherwise, it's immoral, wrong and forbidden.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to SEE, realize and understand that my need of having sex in the Dark isn't Normal, despite of 60% or more of the people in this world preferring having sex in the dark and in this, I forgive myself that I've validated my preference of having sex in the dark through justifying it within myself as normal, and everyone are having sex in dark, Not seeing, realizing and understanding the extent of the separation I'm accepting and allowing within and as myself, to not only hide myself and my human physical body but to also lie to myself through justifications and excuses so that I won't have to investigate WHY and HOW I've accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my human physical body and accordingly change, be intimate with myself as well as my partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the relationship between my need to have sex in the dark and my perception of myself as my human physical body wherein, I've created ideas and opinions about how I look in comparison to a picture I've stored in my mind as how I should look and so long as the picture in my mind doesn't match to my human physical body appearance, I would judge and do what ever it takes to hide my naked physical human body and accordingly, develop the "preference" to have sex in the dark.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to develop my sexual position preference according to how my body looks like and due to the extent of self judgement with regards to my human physical body appearance, I've limited my sexuality and my exploration of who I am within my sexuality according to how my body would look like instead of what I, as my body, physically prefer, regardless how my body looks like in various positions.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be intimate with myself and accordingly, with my partner because I've limited my sexuality within the ideas and judgements I hold onto my human physical body appearance and accordingly, haven't accepted and allowed myself to explore, investigate and enjoy a physical expression within and as sex.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that we are NOT living in a Photoshop world where everyone looks so perfect and shaped as what I see on the magazines and TV and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that only if I would look perfect according to my eye's view, I could allow myself to explore my sexuality with my partner and be open with my sexuality as I could exposed my naked perfectly shaped physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and think while having sex with my partner, that he would judge my human physical body and accordingly, would decide to leave me and find someone else to be with, someone who looks better than me and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my sexual expression to a limited types of positions that would ensure my human physical body would still look sexy so that my partner wouldn't be frustrated that he is stuck with me while being able to be with other perfectly shaped women.

 

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120