The other side of betrayal - Day 504

Continuing with my previous blog - Betrayal - Loss of the Illusion - Day 503

Disclaimer - what I am about to share in this blog post, does not validate cheating and/or betrayal in anyway whatsoever though it will shed some light on 'why' sometimes these things are happening. Obviously, the whole playout can be prevented if we all become honest with ourselves and stop suppressing our expressions and  within it, be willing to be open with ourselves about that which is going on inside ourselves though this is another point that I will be opening up in my next blog.

There is no doubt that when a betrayal is done unto you, there is a lot of anger and mistrust playing out in the mind. One feels cheated on, insecure within oneself, doubting oneself - all in all, it is an unpleasant experience to be the one who is being betrayed.

The questions that I kept on asking when I felt betrayed was: "how could they do this to me?" - the question contained blame and anger and even though I asked the question, I did not want to look at the answer, I didn't want to take responsibility and understand 'why' this things can happen and within that, why is it that I must not take it personally. I didn't want to see that to a certain degree, I have done the same.

Once upon a time, I had a very very good male friend, we shared a deep connection with one another that I never could describe in words. For many years, I resisted the depth of our connection due to my unresolved relationships issues so I made sure that the boundaries between us are clear - we are just good friends and that was it.

Our friendship connection never compromised or interfered with our relationships with other people though we were substantially closer when both of us were single. This has been going on for years and while 'something more' has always been like a cloud in my mind, I resisted looking deep inside of myself to see what is it that I am really resisting.

To make a long story short as this been going on for years - at one point in time, I was single and he was in a relationship for almost a year. He was caught up in a life situation where he didn't have any communication with anyone and we were all worried for his life. For almost a month, I was in a state of concern, we all knew that there is a chance that he may be dead. Inside of me, I felt that the wall I was busy building all of these years is starting to crack down or in other words, the resistance that I had to see what I actually want from our relationship started to melt down and for the first time I was willing to admit to myself that our relationship is not just friendship relationship - it was far more than that, there was what I defined back than as love which to me, love, was something I always preferred walking away from as that would mean allowing myself to be vulnerable and exposed which was something I feared doing.

After a month, out of the blue, he called me, he was alive - it was one of the most happiest days of my life but one of the most fearful days at the same time, because I had to face what I felt inside of myself. I was the first phone call he had made and a few hours later, he was at my door step, half dead inside but very much alive. Everything disappeared when I saw him - all that existed was us, and the historical connection that we shared with one another. It was an accumulation of many moments where we both knew that we were supposed to be together yet, none of us was willing to look in self-honesty and walk through the individual fears that kept us apart. We looked at each other's eyes and we both knew where we are going from that moment onwards. Honestly, I didn't consider his partner in that moment in time as I mentioned - in that evening, everything disappeared, morality disappeared, my fears were gone, it was a letting go moment.

To start with, us manifesting this moment while he is in a relationship, should not have happened. It could only happened because I was not honest with myself from the get go, from the moment I recognized that I am resisting walking a life path with him as my partner and accordingly pushing through my resistances. So again, I am in no way justifying or excuse myself from my responsibility though, I understand now why is it that sometimes, things like that happen and with that understanding, I am ready now to forgive those who were in my shoes where they find themselves in a difficult situation where a suppressed moment was 'here' to express. So, essentially – the moment him and I were together that evening, while he was in a relationship – was because we suppressed our self honesty over such a long time and then our honesty turned into DESIRE for one another and once the desire took over, pushing us to express our suppressions over so long, we did not consider reality, the implications and consequences of our actions as our desires for one another superseded considering ourselves and our relationship with others. Because looking back now, if I were honest from the beginning, if I did not accept and allow myself to suppress – him and I could have talked things over first, share what we feel / experience, make a decision to be together or not and then only first direct our relationship with others before creating something together. So, this is the point that we need to have a look at; how acting on desires can lead to consequences in relationships and not considering reality.

That also answered my next question - "why didn't they tell me before they started seeing each other?" - "Why was it done behind my back?" - Here again, sometimes things happens in a moment and you don't know where this moment would lead to. When he called me and I realized he was alive, when he showed up at my door step - our self-honesty played out for the first time in years. The only thing he could do was breaking the relationship off the next day when it was clear that he cannot continue walking a path with his partner. Again here, it is not to justify, it is to understand the forces behind people's behavior and to realize, it has nothing to do with the person who was 'cheated on' - it doesn't make them less at all, nothing is wrong with them - the connection is the directive force and interestingly enough, I now understand that one cannot choose connections - it either exists or it is not; if it does exists, and apart of you is aware of it, you must realize that there are going to be consequences for you allowing suppression to exists inside of you. When the connection is that strong, it is going to manifest in some way or another.

In my next blog post, I will be discussion the prevention process - how to support yourself when you see yourself suppressing a connection with another and how to prevent consequences where other people may get hurt when this connection can no longer be suppressed and a desire takes over.

Betrayal - Loss of the Illusion - Day 503

Once upon a time, during my university years, I was involved with one of my class mate - I had a crush on him for quite a while and I saw a potential of us being together, creating a life together. When we started seeing each other, I could see that he was not into the relationship as I was but I decided to ignore the fact that something was completely off with us. It ended just as quick as it started but because we were studying together and I saw him every day, I still hoped that something of worth will come out of our friendship relationship.

Mt best friend at that time, who was also studying with us, knew that I had interest in having something more with that guy but little did I know that after I stopped seeing him, she started dating him and neither of them told me about that - I felt betrayed.

It is interesting because neither of them did something to me or took something from me - I was not really involved with the guy when they started dating. The problem with this all scenario was that all this time, he played games with me with continuous flirtation and sweet talk which I interoperated as him having interest in me which perpetuated the 'hope' that we may have something of worth in the future. With him acting as he did, I had no reason to think that there is something else going on with my friend and so, when I found out, I was in shock cause I didn't see it coming - the two people that I cared about had a relationship behind my back.

I felt betrayed and painfully hurt when I found out that they are together, I literally felt she stabbed a knife in my back because of so many reasons and I couldn't get myself to a point of forgiveness - I was angry, the trust I had in her was broken and I couldn't move pass the point and continue my friendship relationship with her so I removed her from my environment completely, didn't want anything to do with her. With him, I didn't feel that he betrayed me, I was upset, yes - but I was not angry at him as much as I was with her.

The challenge was seeing them together, coming to classes together, laughing, kissing and enjoying each other's presence - I felt that she took from me something that was supposed to be mine even though, it was never mine.

So what really happened? Why did I feel betrayed? Why was I consume with anger?

In this blog post, I will open up the primary point that I found while investigating this point for myself though there are many dimensions and layers that were involved.

If you followed my recent blog posts - The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500 the things that I will be writing today will be clearer.

In our alternate mind reality, we create an illusion of how things "should" be and when the physical reality doesn't correspond with our creation of the mind we experience ourselves with negative emotions like for instance, depression, sadness, anger and so forth. The problem starts when we believe that the alternate reality that we created in our mind could have had a potential to manifest in the physical reality and so, we hold onto the hope that in some way or another, we will manifest our alternate reality exactly how it is in our minds.

For myself, every time I saw them together I faced the physical reality that was in conflict with my alternate reality and that created an experience of loss, a loss of the illusion that I created in my mind.

When positive feelings are involved, we tend to place a vail in the mind that prevents us from seeing the physical reality and what is really here. For example, there was nothing substantial that I created with the guy, our communication levels didn't have the depth that I would have wanted in a relationship and on many levels, when I was with him, I felt very empty. Even sexually, I couldn't really 'feel' him with me. But, there was something in him that I was attracted to which kept the alternate reality in the mind going and especially with me seeing him every day.

With seeing them together, the mind reality kept on activated because what I saw in the physical reality is them living my alternate reality that I wanted to create for myself with him so it was like unfulfilled desire playing out in front of my eyes all of the time. How I saw him with her was how I wanted him to be with me only that with me, it did not exist and I took it personally, as if something was wrong with me because "how come he choose her and not me" kept on coming up in my mind all of the time.

I think that was the most difficult part - not understanding why what I saw in him, the potential of him, is playing out with her, while I couldn't reach that level of intimacy with him.

Here what I found is my ego taking the driver sit instead of me looking directly at the physical reality. There are things that I cannot explain or clearly understand how it works but it is quite clear that with certain people you have specific types of connections. This connection is not always aligned and it is not an exact science - it is either 'here' or it is not but it is not something one can force.

They had a connection that was deeper than the connection that I had with him. The fact that they shared a deep connection doesn't define me as less or more, it has nothing to do with me actually but it was not how I saw it - I took it personally and defined me as less than her which was why I couldn't reach an absolute point of forgiveness as I kept on blaming her for taking something from me. In that, I lost - I lost my friendship relationship with her, and I lost my friendship relationship with him.

Will continue in my next blog post

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Art work - The Betrayal by Michael James Toomy

How to Deal with the Cheater in one's Mind - Day 235

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

 

So, as described yesterday, I will be walking the Design of Being a Cheater in my Mind and going after those that are Unavailable for a relationship in much more details from what I have walked thus far.

Specifically here, I will be looking at the story I shared yesterday where a guy from my past contacted me recently and apparently, the short communication we had was enough to activate all sorts of memories from our past together.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Fear Relationships but at the Same time, Desire for Sex and the Experience of having Sex Relationship gives me, through which I could defined myself as More than who I am, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the need to define myself as More through external forces is to suppress and ignore the Inner Experience and self definition of being inadequate, insecure and inferior that I've accepted, allowed and created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Experience Guilt when having a relationship with a male who has a partner because within and as me, I knew I would be accountable for the consequences that may emerge however, through Guilt, as a Design, I could define myself as "Moral" and "CONsiderate" while my physical actions implied otherwise and so, Through Guilt, I could suppress and ignore that which I've accepted and allowed myself to walk in misalignment to the principle of 'Do onto others that which you'd like to be done to you' and thus, not taking responsibility for myself and change my living application to an application that I would respect within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the Core/Source/Origion/Reason for why and how I've programmed and designed myself to Define and Experience myself within myself as Insecure, Inadequate and Inferior to the extent of having to look for these the Balanced components out side of myself through physical actions that my Harm other people but would temporary satisfied my Inner Experience with an Outer Experience of being More than another as I was the one the male have chosen to be with.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself why it is Ok to be with a guy that is having a partnership with another through shifting my responsibility as a human being to the guys, not understanding that my justification is a source of all evil - the Desire for Sex that override any form of basic common sense.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as Sexual being when I'm around attractive guys that are in a relationship so that they could secretly Yearn to be with me and thus, I would deliberately entice them to see me as a forbidden fruit they must attain till they make 'the move' and I could justify it for myself that it is their responsibility and I had nothing to do with it.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself when and as I accepted and allowed the Experience of Excitement when and as a guy that is in a relationship with another expressed his secret mind thoughts about me wherein, the nature of the excitement that I had experience was a momentary self satisfaction of feeling More than another, More than I had defined myself as and within that excitement, I had completely ignored the principle of Love your neighbours as yourself and do to others that which you'd like to be done onto you because in that moment of excitement, I had accepted and allowed myself to follow my Mind within my own self interest desire for Sex while disregarding and disrespecting the other human beings that are involved while I could have stopped myself, clear and change myself and stand as a pillar of support, both directly to the guy and indirectly to his partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've manipulated myself through accessing Guilt within and as myself where my mind would go off and think about the guy's partner and how it is not cool that he does such things while all along, I was the one who was responsible in how I was directly involved in seducing the guy into Cheating, either in their mind or physically and how I am the one who is able to stand in absolute self honesty and stability in being able to assist and support the guy to see, realize and understand the design they had accepted and allowed within and as themselves in being able to accordingly take responsibility and change themselves.

 

I commit myself to Stop, when and as I see myself accessing Guilt as I see now that Guilt as a design manifested within and as ourselves when and as there is something we are not willing to sort out, take responsibility and correct and the fact of the matter is that Guilt is Self Manipulation that would keep on Preoccupied in one's backchat and internal conversation instead taking responsibility for what one had accepted and allowed within and as oneself in separation of oneself.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that the Desire for Sex is so overwhelming and if one accept and allow oneself to direct and move oneself based on the Desire for Sex, one would disregard the consequences, self respect and would be willing to abuse oneself and another as the Desire for Sex Override any form of Common Sense.

 

I commit myself to STOP the Desire for Sex as well as the Fear of being in an Intimate and supportive Relationship/Agreement as I see, realize and understand now where I would take myself and others through the Desire and Fear and the consequences therefore.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW that any justification for why it is Ok having sex relationships with another human beings that has a partner is done from the starting point of the Desire for sex and not as a real self support and the support of others.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that having these justification implies that one is not standing stable within and as oneself as how one had defined oneself as insecure, inadequate and inferior through which one would believe one require sex with a partner that already has a partner to balance the inner experience with an external experience which within that, one isn't considering one's responsibility towards oneself and others within the principle of do to others that which you'd like to be done to you.

 

I commit myself to when and as a guy that is having a relationship approach me within the starting point of having me as the forbidden fruit to not accept and allow myself to engage and follow the desire but rather stand in self stability, breath and direct the moment effectively as I see, realize and understand my responsibility within it and the power I have to stand as a support instead of an abuser. 

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

As I've mentioned in the Blog Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship, I had the tendency in my past to find myself attracted mostly to the unavailable males. What start as "innocence communication" and getting to know the being, ended up in a secret sexual relationships.

 

This specific Relationship that I'll be walking here is one of these relationships that lasted for a while, on and off. It all started 11 years ago, when I met a couple when I was traveling somewhere in the world. We spent a few days together and we split up to different directions however, we decided that a few months later, when the female returned to Israel, I'll be joining to  the male along with another friend of his. As was agreed by all parties, I joined the guys for a month and a half and we travelled around, the 3 of us together. What I didn't know at that stage was that there was a secret agreement between the couple that when she will not be there, he could be with me. Till this day I have no idea why none of them told me about this agreement at that point but only years later - which I will get to as I continue writing.

 

So, you know.. Traveling overseas, sleeping in small joint rooms and being all day and night together leads to sexual relationships in most cases. However, his friend was there and innocent me, believed that he doesn't know about us fooling around and this all secretive thing attracted me even more because it was like we had this special bond that only he and I were aware of. During all this time I knew it was a temporary thing because he has a partner and I also liked his partner and didn't want to harm the relationship. Interestingly enough, the guilt wasn't that extensive while we were traveling - the guilt emerged when we were back in Israel.

 

And so, this journey ended - he returned to Israel and I continued to travel with his friends and couple more friends that we met during the way. His friend and I, never discussed what had happened between his friend and I, as if none of it existed and we were simply 3 people, traveling together but there was always this tension between us. he was angry at me for being with his friend and I didn't want to face it by talking about it.

 

When I returned to Israel, I started a new life - met new people, got into the Alcohol and Parties arena and was more 'free butterfly' in comparison to how I used to be, before the 6 months trip in the world that I did.

I got a phone call one day from the guy I was with in a secretive relationship and he told me that he moved to a city close to where I lived and that he wants to meet me. I don't remember the exact details but I met him and we initially became close again, no sex. He started being more consistent in his approach towards me and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I knew his girlfriend is now in the same country as we were and I justified it to myself that it isn't right.

 

One night, we went to a party together and for a moment, we split up. I went to talk to my bartender friends while he went to put my bag in the storage room. Without anyone noticing it, (and till this day I don't know what happened), someone put something in my drink. Any way, as the guy came towards the bar to meet me, I fainted. After a few moments I woke up and I was no longer standing were I stood, I was on the way out with the guy assistance and support. However, in the moment after I fainted again and when I woke up, we were at the entrance of the storage room to take my bag and go home. We finally went out but yet again, I fainted on the middle of the road. Next thing that I remember was us two sitting near the party place, stabilizing my physical as he was holding me, hugging me and taking care of me. Once I was stable again, he kissed me. I took a step back and asked him to stop. This is when he told me the secret agreement that he had with his partner back then, when we were in the overseas, in trying to convince me that it is ok for us to fool around. I didn't accept it and as he pushed more, I resisted more and started experiencing resentment towards him. A few days or weeks after, we met again, after he had promise me that he won't kiss me or try to do anything. However, within me, I really wanted to have sex with him and so we did.  After we had sex, the guilt started to take over because now, I knew within and as myself that I'm responsible, that I did something that I shouldn't do and that I cannot justify myself by saying to myself: "but hey - you are not the one who has a partner, it is his responsibility". I was on my way to get out and leave but before I left, I told him that this must stop and we cannot do this again. If necessary, we won't meet again.

Then he told me that he loves me, that he fell in love with me and that he is leaving his partner if I'll take him.

But me, scared as hell of being intimate for real with another and within that, being in a relationship that might hold for more than a few months, I told him that he doesn't love me, he loves his partner and that he should forget about me and move back to the city he came from where she is. For years later I felt regret that I didn't follow this through because this guy, was a guy to bring home lol. But that is another design that I will write about in another blog.

 

When he told me he loved me, I became completely frightened. I was shocked and my only reaction was - " 'WTF' it cannot be real, it is wrong, no, I cannot allow it." Obviously, I didn't investigate my reactions back then and I simply ignored all of that. So, to be able to face this in terms of suppressing the experience, I started having hatred feelings towards him as if he is so bad for doing this to his partner, not seeing my responsibility within it. and so, I don't think I ever saw him again, we might spoke on the phone one time, by chance, when a friend of mine figured out years later that her co-worker knows me so she called me from work and he took the phone from her. I think that was when he told me that him and his partner are getting married.

 

A few weeks ago, he contacted me. He told me that so much had happened and that he wanted to share with me. I was sure that he either has kids or that they broke up. the thought about him having kids was like a pin in my heart and the thought of them no longer together was like an inner excitement, like maybe now we can set things right. Apparently, they do not have kids but they are still together lol.

 

Then, I got another E-mail from him, telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me for the last 2 weeks and that he told his co-workers about me and the other friend that were traveling with us and how he would like to hug me like old time style. (the time we were together overseas).

 

I reacted to this - first within excitement as if I still have influence on him, because he still have secret thoughts about me, that he remembers me and that if I only want to, he would leave his partner. Then, when I reminded myself that I've walked through the design of me wanting those who are unavailable, the why and how I have accepted and allowed myself in the past to participate in the design and what are the consequences, I initially felt ashamed for participating within the energy experience of excitement when reading his words and seeing his expression in my mind saying these words, then I moved into Guilt within the back chat of - what if she reads this e-mail? I don't want to be responsible for their brake up, I don't want this to start all over again, and then I moved to Anger which I projected towards him. I wrote him back that I really hope that he isn't doing anything in that nature with anyone else because he is married now. I didn't hear from him since.

 

The next day, I started investigating my reactions, my emotions and feelings and why and how this point presented itself again. How is it that despite of me seeing the design, I still invite it into my life and still not standing up and directing myself effectively in not accepting and allowing this kind of shit within me and this world. I felt guilty for this point having to present itself again for me to face and correct myself while I influence other people lives and within that messes up their life.

I was reminded then that the only thing I must focus on is me, and my responsibility within it all. What ever they are going through, is their process to walk because as long as I haven't sorted out myself, I wouldn't be able to stand as a support for them.

 

 

Will continue sharing my investigation and correction in my next blog

 

 

Is it possible to Cheat yourself? Day 185

This is a continuation to:

Copy Paste Character - the Way for Success? - Day 183

Copy Paste Character - The Education System - Day 184

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Program myself deliberately as a consumer, always looking and seeking for the quick fix, the short cut in having things done, so that I could get MORE in LESS time within the common belief that MORE is what we should be seeking after, MORE is what we must become and through having MORE and MORE and MORE we will be successful and be seen as achievers by our environment and they would respect us and see us as superior not ever seeing, realizing and understanding that while rushing through within the journey to be and have MORE, we are missing the very BASIC more of what we could have be and become if we were to stop seeking for MORE and actually Participate with the Physical reality, Breath by Breath, in HEREness of and as Equality and Oneness and in that, Be in fact MORE than what we have become as a limited version of ourselves as our minds but rather, Live as Physical respectful of LIFE human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, from an inferior starting point, to look for the short cut and the quick fix because I believed I cannot walk to my full potential unless I achieve something that is visible that could be respected by others whom would validate me for my achievement and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through looking for the validation and appreciations of others, to use the short cuts and in doing so, diminish myself so completely as I've not accepted and allowed myself to walk my life, breath by breath within the inner self realization that there is only so much one can do in each and every breath and one should focus on making the best out of each and every breath instead of brushing off what one does within the starting point of pleasing others so that they could validate self as self beliefs that one cannot validate oneself unless someone else validate self.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to disrespect myself within accepting and allowing myself to direct myself within and as the starting point of brushing stuff off, looking for short cuts, seeking for the quick fix and I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that within accepting this starting point through having a projected idea of who and what I should be and in that - being a specific person according to my eye's views as soon as possible, I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Stand HERE, BREATHE and directly see ME, in absolute Self Awareness, and accordingly make aware decisions that are based on a principle of what is best for all and in that, walking my decisions, breath by breath as to my utmost potential as who I am within what I do.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to miss a breath when looking for the quick fix and the short cut to achieve my desires that I've created within and as my mind and in missing a breath, I have accepted and allowed myself to project the idea of what I require to do for me to be validated, appreciated by others so that I could be worthy in my eye's view once I'm worthy according to others eye's view.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of the accumulation effect of taking more and more upon myself within the starting point of being MORE to other people so that they could respect, validate and appreciate me and then, when it comes to the point of having more things to do then what is possible to do within the space time breath by breath application, I looked for the short cuts to have my assignments done, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within that cycle that I've created for myself, I've compromised and sabotaged myself and others as not walking my assignment according to the utmost potential it can be done when walking each and every step in breath by breath.

 

 

Copy Paste Character–The Education System - Day 184

This is a continuation to:

Copy Paste Character - the Way for Success? - Day 183

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to question the education system that encouraged me to develop and create the 'Copy-Paste' Character within and as myself and as I've explained in my Previous blog for example, in my University, we had open books exams where we were allowed to bring past years exams which were the exact copy of the exam I was writing and within that, all I had to do in order to get a high Mark was to copy paste the information and vomit it into my exam sheets.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to develop, empower and grow myself within my higher studies because I didn't see why I should do so when it was so easy to get high marks in the exams without any effort on my side to actually understand and apply the information for and as myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define education through Marks as I was brought up to believe that to be successful, one must have high marks to open the doors of success and as long as this side of the equation is safe and sound, there is no real reason to make any effort in educating myself for real as this world, is not based on real, valid and practical education, it is about status, money, connections and my smile that would pave the way before me, to be and become a successful human being in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where the education system that is based on a rewards as consumerism, utilizing one's self interest desire for a specific experience and in doing so attract people into the education system without telling them that the education system is in no way a real, substantial and practical education for human beings to be and become a better humans in this world but rather, has become the tool to make the humans be less then who they are, with one gaol in front of their eyes - The path to Money and success.

 

Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to research and investigate the starting point in the world wide education system factories that utilize human behaviour research to further brainwash people into a complete consumerism robot that is functions on a reward system to satisfied one's self interest desire and in that, the current education systems in this world further enslaving people into their own minds and keeping humans as ignorant and powerless as possible, in never developing a critical thinking that would force them to look at their acceptance and allowances which led to a world of absolute control, abuse and suffering without anyone standing up and call for a world wide change that would be best for all. Further expand your understanding through watching the documentary - The College Conspiracy.

 

And as I'm writing now, a news article was just publish about Massive Copy Paste and drops in Marks in the Israeli Education System. And who is to blame if not the education system? The kids that cheated within a system that encourage it?? http://www.ynet.co.il/articles/0,7340,L-4292336,00.html.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the blame is not on the students that are becoming a copy-paste character robotic machines that are seeking for the quick way for success in having things done but the blame is on our acceptance and allowances of creating a world system that do not motivate children to perfect themselves and their LIFE skills in becoming a better and effective human beings in this world. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see my responsibility in accepting and allowing a world system that utilize the education system to further diminish the human beings as who they are as I've not stood up and called for a change in a global scale within and as the world system as a whole and the education system in particular.

 

To be Continued..

 

 

Copy Paste Character - the Way for Success? - Day 183

I like short cuts, I like having things done quick, I like the magic wand, I like getting to the finish line without having to make much of an effort to get there. And - that's was what I was doing throughout my Life through utilizing the Copy-Paste Character; only what I haven't considered is the consequences and that within the Copy-Paste Character, I'm not really assisting and supporting myself to grow and Expand myself - all I was doing was creating a time loop that would take me much longer to correct, diminishing myself to the level of becoming a robotic human being with none critical thinking and self investigation.

 

How I have justified the Validity of existing as the Copy-Paste character is through - "I don't have time", "I need to have this done ASAP", "I don't know how to do it so well, and I don't want to spend time on something others would do better then me", "I don't know how to do this", "I will have to research and investigate the point thoroughly and I don't have the time to do so, better to simply copy-paste", "I must have it done so that I have time for more things to be done", "oh, I'm not good enough, they presented it better, I trust their application, I will simply copy paste from them".

 

When looking at the Fear dimension - if I won't do as much as I could possible do, I'll be useless and be defined as such. If I won't have it done, I will fail, I will be nothing. If I won't have it done, I won't have pleasure time so in essence, the Fear Dimension is - Fear of being Judged and disrespectful, Fear of Failure.

It's Funny because I have the tendency to take as many responsibilities as possible but within the copy paste character, what I'm now seeing, realizing and understanding that I've abdicated my responsibility from the perspective of - I don't trust myself to apply the point "correctly" and thus, I will use the application that was done by others because I trust their application and within that- I'm abdicating my own responsibility to apply myself within Self Trust, for MYSELF when and as I see a task that must be done because that is what's best for all.

 

When did I start applying the Copy-Paste character - High School. I remember having to study for a literature exams where we had to read 5 or more stories or poetry and then, analyse it and write about our understanding of it. I didn't want to do it because it wasn't a cool thing to do meaning - the cool people in my school didn't read the material, they simply read the short version that was passing around with prepared questions and answered. They also watched the movie instead of reading the book or what ever the assignment was. And I, wanted to be cool as well so I did the same, only read the short version of the story, studied the past years exams and got my A. I mean, it was easy - all I had to do is copy the information into my brain and paste it on the exams sheet. after the exam was done, I deleted the information cause I didn't have any reason to keep it there or any use of it later on in my life. Or so I believed.

 

So, my training for life in high school already was - Copy-Paste have good results and I don't need to really study and understand what I study, all I need to do is to temporarily insert the information to my mind and vomit it onto the exam sheets.

In the University - it was much EASIER process because the exams were with open books. So all I had to do is make sure I have good books and notes from people that actually studied, study their notes, make sure I know how to allocate the material quickly and again, vomit all the information to the exam sheets and get a good mark. Lol, it became much easier in my final year when I discovered that the exams each year are exactly the same and one could take the past year exams, with the answers already prepared and literally, copy paste the information into one's exam.

 

Side note - initially I thought it was a stupid thing from the university side to give us the very same exams from the years before but now, I understand the starting point in doing such a thing - having students with high grades, elevate the university reputation and with a good reputation, more money comes in. Which means, that the education system doesn't really want you to grow and expand yourself, but to rather be automated machine, with no real critical thinking and integration of the material in one's day to Day living application but they rather wants your money and use you to generate more money. On that note, I suggest watching the documentary - The College Conspiracy.

 

And now, this copy-paste character is still a character I see myself using within my day to day living application where I would look for the short cut, the quick fix, not seeing absolutely the consequences and the harm I'm creating not only for myself but for our group as a whole as within walking as the copy paste character - my support is not absolute, my standing is not absolute and the example I'm showing is not absolutely aligned within and as the principle of that which is best for all.

 

So - time to say 'Bye Bye' to the character through a process of Self Forgiveness and to instead, investigate each and every starting point in each and every task that I'm doing and within that, make sure that the starting point is Self Realization as to who I am within what I do and how who I am within what I do must result in the best for all out come.

Within that, to realize that having more and more responsibilities while they are not being walked as effective as possible is useless. Better to focus and make the best out of everything that I do instead of having things half way done and in that, compromise myself and the group as a whole.

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable with unavailable men because then, the chances of me getting hurt are almost nonexistent however, within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider me and me only wherein, I didn't take into consideration the female that is involved and how I'm directly responsible to a friction that is caused in their relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to orient myself towards unavailable guys to bypass the fear of being hurt again instead of taking responsibility for myself and that which I've accepted and allowed myself to participate with - blaming others for my own self victimization and to in that, sort myself out and prepare myself for an effective relationship with a male where we could start from the get go, build, develop and establish effective relationship that is not based on past memory experiences but rather on the potential of us standing together, in alignment, assisting and supporting ourselves to become a better human beings in this world, accepting our responsibilities as human beings in this world and so - grow and expand ourselves together within the principle of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to utilize my abilities to assist and support human beings when it comes to unavailable males wherein, instead of supporting them to correct and establish a functioning best for all relationship/agreement with their partner, I would lure them into falling in love with me, so that I could feel desirable and yearn for while disrespecting within this, myself, the male and the male's partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider unavailable men as a challenge, as if I must get them to prove that I'm more than their partner, as if having them, will satisfied my own self worth, not seeing, realizing and understanding that my participation within my desire to feel desirable in comparison to the male's partner is indicating exactly the opposite wherein, I've placed my self worth in other beings, in separation of me and in accepting and allowing the above design within and as me, self worth is nonexistent as I require something else to give me worth and in doing so, would crash over anyone in the attempt to get this alleged self worth as I've accepted and allowed my own self interest as my directive principle.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience stress when talking with a man that is available for a relationship and experience calmness amalgamate with naughtiness when communicating with a male that is unavailable for a relationship and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access the seducer character when and as I meet a guy that is unavailable for a relationship from the starting point of feeling desirable and more attractive than their own partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to open a door for the males to leave their partner in order to choose to be with me instead of instead of standing as a pillar of support, deleting my own self interest desire to feel MORE and stand as a principle of that which is best for all and in that, assist and support the male to support himself to support the relationship with his partner within the principle of Give as you'd like to receive.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to move and speak in a specific mannerism when communicating with unavailable guy for a relationship and within the way I move and speak, to seduce them in falling in love with me, so that they could break up from their partner and be with me and I'll get what I want - a momentary feeling of being MORE and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to move and speak differently as how I would move and speak with all human beings equally as one, when communicating with unavailable men.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be with a man that was previously unavailable and was breaking up with his partner for "me" and despite of me knowing how the pattern fold itself and how the man is really not trust worthy, I have accepted and allowed this man in my life for a momentary feeling like I'm MORE and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to- when in a relationship such as this, to constantly fear that the relationship would end as I know within and as me that the starting point of this relationship was based on Energy and that the energy would eventually dissipate and the guy would move on to the next target to continue recharging himself with a new and exciting experience.

 

I Commit myself to STOP and DELETE my desire to Feel MORE as I see, realize and understand the consequences of my actions when playing along with my desire for a specific experience.

 

I commit myself to stand as a pillar of support when and as I communicate with a guy that I see him having secret agendas in relation to me as I've came to learn how the body moves and how the voice change and what specific words the guy would use when and as the guy is interested in me while having a relationship with another woman. And thus, I commit myself to immediately assess, test and check within and as myself, whether or not there is even the slightest movement of a energetic desire within and as me. If I find that there is, I Delete the Desire, Breath and place myself back here. when I'm done, clear and stable within myself, I assist and support the male through showing him what he is accepting and allowing within himself and accordingly, open up this point, support him in changing his starting point in his relationship with his partner from energy starting point to Physical support starting point.

 

I Commit myself to not accept and allow myself to continuing the game that I was playing with unavailable guys within the belief that in this way, I cannot be hurt again and instead, to sort myself out within and as myself through a process of self forgiveness, self honesty and self corrective physical application as I see, realize and understand that participating in this game indicate that I've not accepted and allowed me as who I am and that in fact, I'm less than who I am when requiring others to validate and give me worth.