How fear can control your life (Part two) - Day 483

This is a continuation from my previous blog where I left of with:

 

"Though, as I said before, another layer opened up this time where I was able to see the real reason of why I broke up with him and how through this decision, I compromised myself and my relationships with men ever since.

This I will continue sharing in my next blog post. "

 

What actually happened was that we started talking about sleeping over at each other's houses but that was something that my parents didn't approve while his parents didn't have issues with the point. One weekend, my parents were away and I planned to use that window to sleep over at his place - everything was prepared and we were about to go back to his place after a dinner party we were invited to but at the last moment, I couldn't pull it through. Meaning, I couldn't do it knowing that I am lying to my parents. Obviously, I felt embarrassed about the whole thing because I didn't want anyone to know why I changed my mind - it made me feel weak inside myself. In that very moment of feeling embarrassed and weak, I had a sharp pain in my stomach which I then consciously amplified so that at least I won't have to lie to my boyfriend that I prefer sleeping in my cousin's house in case the pain get worse and I will need her support. In essence, sleeping at my cousin's house was the 'story' that I told my parents so with manifesting the 'story' in the physical reality, I could calm myself down as I no longer participated in a lie but actually did what I told my parents I would do.

 

Understand also that neither of us at that stage had sex before and it was something that started to be 'here' from the perspective of where we were going with our relationship. Even though we didn't plan of having sex that night, on many levels I was ready to express myself  with him and I was uncertain where the night would lead to if I would to sleep over at his house.

I was in a huge conflict about it because on the one hand, I wanted to express myself with him but on the other hand, my parents' disapproval clouded my mind - I couldn't stop seeing my parents' face if they would to know that I am even considering having sex for the first time, nevertheless, if I would lie about it.

 

When I imagined having sex for the first time, I wanted it to be special, with a guy that loved me and that I could trust; with someone that is interested in me, in who I am, rather than just interested in having sex and/or in my body. Theoretically, having sex for the first time with my partner should have been the 'right' thing to do as this partner stood as everything I ever wanted from a partner. But as long as my parents would not have approved the fact that I am sexually active, I couldn't do it and for my parents to be ok with that, it meant that I had to face them and that was something that I was not yet ready to do - the fear about even speaking with them about sex was overwhelming.

 

I wasn't ready to face the consequences of becoming sexually active in my parents' eyes - just the thought about how they would see and define me was not something I could 'live' with nonetheless how they would see and define my partner - whether they will be willing to accept him in our house, whether they would be disappointed at me or him, whether I will still be the favorite child - these were just the tip of the iceberg when it came to my inner thoughts about this whole point.

 

I didn't know how to handle these thoughts and I felt that I had no one to talk to about this - none of my friends faced this point before and my relationship with my siblings wasn't intimate enough for me to ask for their advice. Obviously I did not communicate this point with my partner because I didn't want him to know that my parents have so much control over me in my own mind; so, I did what I knew to do best - when there was a problem in my life, I would just ignore it and walk away instead of facing the problem and finding solutions that would support me and people in my environment. So... I broke up with him as that was the only solution that I could think of to quiet my mind and maintain my relationship with my parents intact.

 

It took everything that I've got to block my feelings towards him and apparently, I mastered the point so effectively that after a few days, I didn’t feel a thing, my heart was cold so to speak, I was "over" the whole thing, as if he was a complete stranger. So much so that even with him 'fighting' for the relationship and doing everything that he could possibly do to 'win' me back, I was too far gone in my mind, not willing to accept and see everything he had said.

 

Understand that all of these thoughts and fears where not in my conscious mind - I was not even willing to admit it to myself. This is why I fabricated alternate reality for myself where I justified the break up with saying to myself that the relationship is too boring and that I need more excitement in my life. I suppressed everything to fast and so deep that I actually believed myself that exciting relationship was what I needed lol so,  I went off, opting for exciting relationship and for years, in many ways, I led myself to destructive consequences that could have been prevented if only I allowed myself to face my fears and communicate the points openly with my parents.

 

Will continue in my next blog.

 

Copy Paste Character–The Education System - Day 184

This is a continuation to:

Copy Paste Character - the Way for Success? - Day 183

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to question the education system that encouraged me to develop and create the 'Copy-Paste' Character within and as myself and as I've explained in my Previous blog for example, in my University, we had open books exams where we were allowed to bring past years exams which were the exact copy of the exam I was writing and within that, all I had to do in order to get a high Mark was to copy paste the information and vomit it into my exam sheets.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to develop, empower and grow myself within my higher studies because I didn't see why I should do so when it was so easy to get high marks in the exams without any effort on my side to actually understand and apply the information for and as myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define education through Marks as I was brought up to believe that to be successful, one must have high marks to open the doors of success and as long as this side of the equation is safe and sound, there is no real reason to make any effort in educating myself for real as this world, is not based on real, valid and practical education, it is about status, money, connections and my smile that would pave the way before me, to be and become a successful human being in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where the education system that is based on a rewards as consumerism, utilizing one's self interest desire for a specific experience and in doing so attract people into the education system without telling them that the education system is in no way a real, substantial and practical education for human beings to be and become a better humans in this world but rather, has become the tool to make the humans be less then who they are, with one gaol in front of their eyes - The path to Money and success.

 

Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to research and investigate the starting point in the world wide education system factories that utilize human behaviour research to further brainwash people into a complete consumerism robot that is functions on a reward system to satisfied one's self interest desire and in that, the current education systems in this world further enslaving people into their own minds and keeping humans as ignorant and powerless as possible, in never developing a critical thinking that would force them to look at their acceptance and allowances which led to a world of absolute control, abuse and suffering without anyone standing up and call for a world wide change that would be best for all. Further expand your understanding through watching the documentary - The College Conspiracy.

 

And as I'm writing now, a news article was just publish about Massive Copy Paste and drops in Marks in the Israeli Education System. And who is to blame if not the education system? The kids that cheated within a system that encourage it?? http://www.ynet.co.il/articles/0,7340,L-4292336,00.html.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the blame is not on the students that are becoming a copy-paste character robotic machines that are seeking for the quick way for success in having things done but the blame is on our acceptance and allowances of creating a world system that do not motivate children to perfect themselves and their LIFE skills in becoming a better and effective human beings in this world. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see my responsibility in accepting and allowing a world system that utilize the education system to further diminish the human beings as who they are as I've not stood up and called for a change in a global scale within and as the world system as a whole and the education system in particular.

 

To be Continued..

 

 

Copy Paste Character - the Way for Success? - Day 183

I like short cuts, I like having things done quick, I like the magic wand, I like getting to the finish line without having to make much of an effort to get there. And - that's was what I was doing throughout my Life through utilizing the Copy-Paste Character; only what I haven't considered is the consequences and that within the Copy-Paste Character, I'm not really assisting and supporting myself to grow and Expand myself - all I was doing was creating a time loop that would take me much longer to correct, diminishing myself to the level of becoming a robotic human being with none critical thinking and self investigation.

 

How I have justified the Validity of existing as the Copy-Paste character is through - "I don't have time", "I need to have this done ASAP", "I don't know how to do it so well, and I don't want to spend time on something others would do better then me", "I don't know how to do this", "I will have to research and investigate the point thoroughly and I don't have the time to do so, better to simply copy-paste", "I must have it done so that I have time for more things to be done", "oh, I'm not good enough, they presented it better, I trust their application, I will simply copy paste from them".

 

When looking at the Fear dimension - if I won't do as much as I could possible do, I'll be useless and be defined as such. If I won't have it done, I will fail, I will be nothing. If I won't have it done, I won't have pleasure time so in essence, the Fear Dimension is - Fear of being Judged and disrespectful, Fear of Failure.

It's Funny because I have the tendency to take as many responsibilities as possible but within the copy paste character, what I'm now seeing, realizing and understanding that I've abdicated my responsibility from the perspective of - I don't trust myself to apply the point "correctly" and thus, I will use the application that was done by others because I trust their application and within that- I'm abdicating my own responsibility to apply myself within Self Trust, for MYSELF when and as I see a task that must be done because that is what's best for all.

 

When did I start applying the Copy-Paste character - High School. I remember having to study for a literature exams where we had to read 5 or more stories or poetry and then, analyse it and write about our understanding of it. I didn't want to do it because it wasn't a cool thing to do meaning - the cool people in my school didn't read the material, they simply read the short version that was passing around with prepared questions and answered. They also watched the movie instead of reading the book or what ever the assignment was. And I, wanted to be cool as well so I did the same, only read the short version of the story, studied the past years exams and got my A. I mean, it was easy - all I had to do is copy the information into my brain and paste it on the exams sheet. after the exam was done, I deleted the information cause I didn't have any reason to keep it there or any use of it later on in my life. Or so I believed.

 

So, my training for life in high school already was - Copy-Paste have good results and I don't need to really study and understand what I study, all I need to do is to temporarily insert the information to my mind and vomit it onto the exam sheets.

In the University - it was much EASIER process because the exams were with open books. So all I had to do is make sure I have good books and notes from people that actually studied, study their notes, make sure I know how to allocate the material quickly and again, vomit all the information to the exam sheets and get a good mark. Lol, it became much easier in my final year when I discovered that the exams each year are exactly the same and one could take the past year exams, with the answers already prepared and literally, copy paste the information into one's exam.

 

Side note - initially I thought it was a stupid thing from the university side to give us the very same exams from the years before but now, I understand the starting point in doing such a thing - having students with high grades, elevate the university reputation and with a good reputation, more money comes in. Which means, that the education system doesn't really want you to grow and expand yourself, but to rather be automated machine, with no real critical thinking and integration of the material in one's day to Day living application but they rather wants your money and use you to generate more money. On that note, I suggest watching the documentary - The College Conspiracy.

 

And now, this copy-paste character is still a character I see myself using within my day to day living application where I would look for the short cut, the quick fix, not seeing absolutely the consequences and the harm I'm creating not only for myself but for our group as a whole as within walking as the copy paste character - my support is not absolute, my standing is not absolute and the example I'm showing is not absolutely aligned within and as the principle of that which is best for all.

 

So - time to say 'Bye Bye' to the character through a process of Self Forgiveness and to instead, investigate each and every starting point in each and every task that I'm doing and within that, make sure that the starting point is Self Realization as to who I am within what I do and how who I am within what I do must result in the best for all out come.

Within that, to realize that having more and more responsibilities while they are not being walked as effective as possible is useless. Better to focus and make the best out of everything that I do instead of having things half way done and in that, compromise myself and the group as a whole.

Having Sex with A partner you don't want having Kids with - Day 181

For the purpose of understanding the content of this blog and to assist and support yourself with not creating another dimension in your mind through reading only this blog, I suggest reading:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Commitments - Day 177

The Layers of our Minds - Day 178

The relationship between Fear and Pain - Day 179

Pregnancy Pills to Suppressing Fears - Day 180

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the fear of getting pregnant and having a child as my starting point in taking pills and I haven't realized that I do not require fear to be my directive principle but rather, practical common sense in consideration to where I am in my process, whether or not a child would be practical in terms of the support I'm able to gift my child with and so - when seeing in self honesty that having a child is not what is best for all at a specific moment, Pregnancy pills is a practical solution that would stand in alignment to the decision of not having children.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to let the fear go as my directive principle as I believed that having fears is practical instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that being practical and walking my life based on common sense principle doesn't require any fears but simply being here, directly seeing what's here and what would be the best for all application in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to still exists in fear when taking pregnancy pills because I know that it's not 100% safe and so, instead of taking the necessary steps to make sure that no pregnancy would emerge, I've allowed hope that everything will be alright while still allowing fears within and as me as well as abdicating my responsibility within the decision of having sex and the consequences that may emerge.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider that by the fact that I have fears of getting pregnant indicate that somewhere, deep inside myself, I'm well aware that the partner I'm with, is inadequate and yet, I've accepted and allowed the desire for sex to take over and act in ways I see that is not best for me and thus, not best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be willing to have sex with patterns I was not willing to have children with because I was deliberately used them and abused them as well as myself for the sake of fulfilling my desire for sex without willing to accept the consequences of sex as an act of birthing Life into and as the physical and the responsibilities that comes with having sex.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not respect myself by willing to have sex with partner that I wasn't willing to have children with as my directive principle back then was Sex and the desire for sex without any consideration as to what is sex, what is sex to me, who I am as sex, why I am as sex, what is the physical purpose of sex and who am I having sex with.

 

For more context:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

Melancholia after a Break Up - Day 173

Melancholia after Break Up Continued - Day 174

Pregnancy Pills to Suppressing Fears - Day 180

For the purpose of understanding the content of this blog and to assist and support yourself with not creating another dimension in your mind through reading only this blog, I suggest reading:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Commitments - Day 177

The Layers of our Minds - Day 178

The relationship between Fear and Pain - Day 179

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fear of getting pregnant and becoming a parent through taking Pregnancy Pills within the Belief that I won't get pregnant when I'm being carful however, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take the Pregnancy Pills as a mean to not face my fears instead of Looking at the point, clear myself from my own self created fears and walk my life in Practical consideration for and as this physical reality rather than walking my life from the starting point of fears.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate my starting point in what I do and within that, not realizing who I am within what I do. In this - as I've seen through my writings, who I am in taking pregnancy Pills was Fear instead of Practical and Physical Living Human being that see, realize and understand one's responsibility towards oneself and the world as a whole and through this self realization, one would walk breath by breath according to that which is best for all, in absolute self responsibility as one's directive principle.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm being responsible by taking pregnancy pills, not seeing realizing and understanding that being self responsible towards oneself and one's world isn't measured by what one does but rather who one is within what one does and so - Self Responsibility imply - Investigating one's starting point of doing something and clearing all opinions, beliefs, fears, reactions, ideas, emotions and feelings and in that, transform the starting point to self support living consideration for oneself and one's world within and as the principle of that which is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the Consequences of accepting and allowing walking within the starting point of fear and doing actions to suppress and ignore the fears and in that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to study and understand the relationship between the Mind and the Physical and in that, the physical consequences that are involved in suppressing one's fear instead of facing them, releasing them and standing within and as self trust, self responsibility, and directing self, breath by breath as self, as the directive principle.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse and sabotage myself as my human physical body through accepting headaches when having menstruation as the ultimate truth that I've come to accept and within that acceptance and allowance, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ignore and hide the fears that are the base of my movement in who I have become as what I do so that I won't have to face who I have become because within me, I know, that once I see myself, I would force myself to change and in remaining blind, I won't have to change.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the relationship between the headaches and my fears of getting pregnant and becoming a parent and through accepting the headaches as normal because other woman experience the same, I've abdicated my responsibility to investigating what Normal is and on what this definition of what Normal is Serves my own self interest desire to remain slave to my own mind to not face myself and practically change.

 

Continuing tomorrow with debunking the fear of getting pregnant and becoming a parent.

The relationship between Fear and Pain - Day 179

For the purpose of understanding the content of this blog and to assist and support yourself with not creating another dimension in your mind through reading only this blog, I suggest reading:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Commitments - Day 177

The Layers of our Minds - Day 178

 

Last week, as I've indicated in my previous blogs, I experienced headache 7 days before getting period and as I've explained and showed, this specific pain was in direct relationship I had created in my mind wherein headaches are part of the Pre-Menstruation cycle as if it was the ultimate truth.

 

However, what about headaches during Menstruation? What belief system have I formed within and as myself that manifested the Headaches during Menstruation time - Headaches that are more likely to turn into a sever migraine?

 

So, 2 days ago, I was looking at the nature of the headache I had experience and I utilized the same technics that I've previously utilized, shown me by my friend, where I push a specific point in my human physical body and in doing so, the memory/thought that comes up would be the thought/memory that I will be working with, to delete, disengage and remove within self honesty, self forgiveness process.

 

I have found a fascinating thought structure that I've assisted and supported myself with applying immediate Self Forgiveness to release myself from recreating the next painful cycle that is connected to the relationship between the belief that Menstruation comes with headaches. The thought was:  "OMG, this headaches might not be related to Menstruation, maybe I have brain tumour"

 

Us human beings, are really fucked up if allowing such thoughts to manifest within and as ourselves, not seeing, realizing and understanding the consequences of accepting and allowing such thought and how through fear that activates the thought we may create things like Brain tumour for us to face what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves for instance - fear of having Cancer.

 

But - the pain didn't stop and when I checked within and as myself whether or not I've in fact moved through this fear however, when this thought wasn't there anymore, I moved through the dimensions of my mind and investigated what I haven't seen yet - where and how I've accepted and allowed fear to manifest as headaches as I've recently realized that our starting point within everything that we do is always related to Fears.

 

And so, I went back in time to look at where the headache started whenever I got period and I found that it started soon after I stopped taking pregnancy pills 4-5 years ago which led me to check and assess my starting point in taking pregnancy pills previously and what was the fear within the starting point which was - Fear of Getting Pregnant and becoming a parent. Now, it is not that I'm saying here that one shouldn't take pills to prevent unwanted pregnancy. What I'm saying is that the starting point should be based on common sense, practical living consideration within self responsibility and self honesty rather being a starting point that is based on fears. What I've seen was that the fear of getting pregnant and becoming a parent was suppressed within and as myself through taking the pregnancy pills and slowly but surely, over time, manifested as a physical pain, once a month, when having menstruation.

 

This point is extensive from the perspective of me requiring a real introspection and within that, sufficient time to walk through this fear, in detail and specificity and therefor, I commit myself to walk through the structure within my next blog and release myself from the fear of getting pregnant and becoming a parent within the multiple dimensions that I'm seeing within and as myself.

The Secret War between Women - Overview - Day 52

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where Women, instead of standing together in alignment and nurturing the world with care, support, warmth, tenderness and gentleness, We fight amongst and between each others within the attempt to feel better within ourselves due to the inherited belief that we are weak and powerless.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider the influences that the 7 generations that have come before us have on our very beingness and within that, we came to terms and have taken for granted our inherited weakness as women and thus, experience the need to compete for our survival within the manly world system, either with males or Females

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where women must prove themselves as worthy in the manly world system and thus, feel that they must compete for their spot with other women and we haven't considered that thus far, the manly world system didn't stand the test of time in bringing about a world that is best for all and instead of trying to fit in to a world of abuse, we could have stand up as our womanly nature of warmth, care, support, tenderness and gentleness and implement such a system within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to embrace my womanly nature of care, support and tenderness and externalized those components within the world system through and as a principle of Equality and Oneness and instead attempted to fight for my place in this world and within doing do, abolished Who I am as the female beingness of care, support and tenderness and became a submissive being within the manly world system in total separation of myself and existence as a whole.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where jealousy, competition, judgment and comparison between women has become the norm from a very young age due to parents supporting those components within the desire of having the most perfect girl who will marry the best man and her financial future will be safe and sound and within that, the parents do not realize the consequences of programming the girl to fight for her survival in this world system wherein, the girl will see any woman as a threat of not having the LIFE her parents always wished she would have.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see the specific relationship of Money and war between women wherein jealousy, competition, judgement and comparison are due to the woman's desire of having the best - best clothes, best male, best job, best makeup etc. which is a derivative of how much Money a woman has access to.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see the specific relationship between consumerism and the war between women and how the Media use Marketing psychologists/public relations to prompt the woman with the components of Jealousy, comparison and etc. towards other women and within that, drive the women to consume products/services that they do not need through manipulating them and making them believe that if they buy the products/services the will win in the secret competition between women.

I commit myself to look at and investigate the relationships between the world system, education and money and the secret war between women and bring it all in writing, to assist and support us women, in standing up an as our beingness and direct this world to a world that is physically best for all.

I commit myself to dissect each and every component that is part the design of ' the secret war between women' and correct through Self Forgiveness within my living application.

I commit myself to expose, show and reveal the relationship between money, consumerism and the secret war between women.

I commit myself to walk my own time line, from childhood till now, in details and specificity and see all the systems and networks that are part of the secret war between women design.

Suggested vlogs to watch -

2009 Secret War Between Women - Pt.1 - Female Competition

2009 Rules of the Game - Secret War Between Women Pt. 2