How to Deal with the Cheater in one's Mind - Day 235

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

 

So, as described yesterday, I will be walking the Design of Being a Cheater in my Mind and going after those that are Unavailable for a relationship in much more details from what I have walked thus far.

Specifically here, I will be looking at the story I shared yesterday where a guy from my past contacted me recently and apparently, the short communication we had was enough to activate all sorts of memories from our past together.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Fear Relationships but at the Same time, Desire for Sex and the Experience of having Sex Relationship gives me, through which I could defined myself as More than who I am, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the need to define myself as More through external forces is to suppress and ignore the Inner Experience and self definition of being inadequate, insecure and inferior that I've accepted, allowed and created within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Experience Guilt when having a relationship with a male who has a partner because within and as me, I knew I would be accountable for the consequences that may emerge however, through Guilt, as a Design, I could define myself as "Moral" and "CONsiderate" while my physical actions implied otherwise and so, Through Guilt, I could suppress and ignore that which I've accepted and allowed myself to walk in misalignment to the principle of 'Do onto others that which you'd like to be done to you' and thus, not taking responsibility for myself and change my living application to an application that I would respect within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the Core/Source/Origion/Reason for why and how I've programmed and designed myself to Define and Experience myself within myself as Insecure, Inadequate and Inferior to the extent of having to look for these the Balanced components out side of myself through physical actions that my Harm other people but would temporary satisfied my Inner Experience with an Outer Experience of being More than another as I was the one the male have chosen to be with.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself why it is Ok to be with a guy that is having a partnership with another through shifting my responsibility as a human being to the guys, not understanding that my justification is a source of all evil - the Desire for Sex that override any form of basic common sense.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as Sexual being when I'm around attractive guys that are in a relationship so that they could secretly Yearn to be with me and thus, I would deliberately entice them to see me as a forbidden fruit they must attain till they make 'the move' and I could justify it for myself that it is their responsibility and I had nothing to do with it.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself when and as I accepted and allowed the Experience of Excitement when and as a guy that is in a relationship with another expressed his secret mind thoughts about me wherein, the nature of the excitement that I had experience was a momentary self satisfaction of feeling More than another, More than I had defined myself as and within that excitement, I had completely ignored the principle of Love your neighbours as yourself and do to others that which you'd like to be done onto you because in that moment of excitement, I had accepted and allowed myself to follow my Mind within my own self interest desire for Sex while disregarding and disrespecting the other human beings that are involved while I could have stopped myself, clear and change myself and stand as a pillar of support, both directly to the guy and indirectly to his partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've manipulated myself through accessing Guilt within and as myself where my mind would go off and think about the guy's partner and how it is not cool that he does such things while all along, I was the one who was responsible in how I was directly involved in seducing the guy into Cheating, either in their mind or physically and how I am the one who is able to stand in absolute self honesty and stability in being able to assist and support the guy to see, realize and understand the design they had accepted and allowed within and as themselves in being able to accordingly take responsibility and change themselves.

 

I commit myself to Stop, when and as I see myself accessing Guilt as I see now that Guilt as a design manifested within and as ourselves when and as there is something we are not willing to sort out, take responsibility and correct and the fact of the matter is that Guilt is Self Manipulation that would keep on Preoccupied in one's backchat and internal conversation instead taking responsibility for what one had accepted and allowed within and as oneself in separation of oneself.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that the Desire for Sex is so overwhelming and if one accept and allow oneself to direct and move oneself based on the Desire for Sex, one would disregard the consequences, self respect and would be willing to abuse oneself and another as the Desire for Sex Override any form of Common Sense.

 

I commit myself to STOP the Desire for Sex as well as the Fear of being in an Intimate and supportive Relationship/Agreement as I see, realize and understand now where I would take myself and others through the Desire and Fear and the consequences therefore.

 

I Commit myself to SHOW that any justification for why it is Ok having sex relationships with another human beings that has a partner is done from the starting point of the Desire for sex and not as a real self support and the support of others.

 

I commit myself to SHOW that having these justification implies that one is not standing stable within and as oneself as how one had defined oneself as insecure, inadequate and inferior through which one would believe one require sex with a partner that already has a partner to balance the inner experience with an external experience which within that, one isn't considering one's responsibility towards oneself and others within the principle of do to others that which you'd like to be done to you.

 

I commit myself to when and as a guy that is having a relationship approach me within the starting point of having me as the forbidden fruit to not accept and allow myself to engage and follow the desire but rather stand in self stability, breath and direct the moment effectively as I see, realize and understand my responsibility within it and the power I have to stand as a support instead of an abuser. 

A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

As I've mentioned in the Blog Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship, I had the tendency in my past to find myself attracted mostly to the unavailable males. What start as "innocence communication" and getting to know the being, ended up in a secret sexual relationships.

 

This specific Relationship that I'll be walking here is one of these relationships that lasted for a while, on and off. It all started 11 years ago, when I met a couple when I was traveling somewhere in the world. We spent a few days together and we split up to different directions however, we decided that a few months later, when the female returned to Israel, I'll be joining to  the male along with another friend of his. As was agreed by all parties, I joined the guys for a month and a half and we travelled around, the 3 of us together. What I didn't know at that stage was that there was a secret agreement between the couple that when she will not be there, he could be with me. Till this day I have no idea why none of them told me about this agreement at that point but only years later - which I will get to as I continue writing.

 

So, you know.. Traveling overseas, sleeping in small joint rooms and being all day and night together leads to sexual relationships in most cases. However, his friend was there and innocent me, believed that he doesn't know about us fooling around and this all secretive thing attracted me even more because it was like we had this special bond that only he and I were aware of. During all this time I knew it was a temporary thing because he has a partner and I also liked his partner and didn't want to harm the relationship. Interestingly enough, the guilt wasn't that extensive while we were traveling - the guilt emerged when we were back in Israel.

 

And so, this journey ended - he returned to Israel and I continued to travel with his friends and couple more friends that we met during the way. His friend and I, never discussed what had happened between his friend and I, as if none of it existed and we were simply 3 people, traveling together but there was always this tension between us. he was angry at me for being with his friend and I didn't want to face it by talking about it.

 

When I returned to Israel, I started a new life - met new people, got into the Alcohol and Parties arena and was more 'free butterfly' in comparison to how I used to be, before the 6 months trip in the world that I did.

I got a phone call one day from the guy I was with in a secretive relationship and he told me that he moved to a city close to where I lived and that he wants to meet me. I don't remember the exact details but I met him and we initially became close again, no sex. He started being more consistent in his approach towards me and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I knew his girlfriend is now in the same country as we were and I justified it to myself that it isn't right.

 

One night, we went to a party together and for a moment, we split up. I went to talk to my bartender friends while he went to put my bag in the storage room. Without anyone noticing it, (and till this day I don't know what happened), someone put something in my drink. Any way, as the guy came towards the bar to meet me, I fainted. After a few moments I woke up and I was no longer standing were I stood, I was on the way out with the guy assistance and support. However, in the moment after I fainted again and when I woke up, we were at the entrance of the storage room to take my bag and go home. We finally went out but yet again, I fainted on the middle of the road. Next thing that I remember was us two sitting near the party place, stabilizing my physical as he was holding me, hugging me and taking care of me. Once I was stable again, he kissed me. I took a step back and asked him to stop. This is when he told me the secret agreement that he had with his partner back then, when we were in the overseas, in trying to convince me that it is ok for us to fool around. I didn't accept it and as he pushed more, I resisted more and started experiencing resentment towards him. A few days or weeks after, we met again, after he had promise me that he won't kiss me or try to do anything. However, within me, I really wanted to have sex with him and so we did.  After we had sex, the guilt started to take over because now, I knew within and as myself that I'm responsible, that I did something that I shouldn't do and that I cannot justify myself by saying to myself: "but hey - you are not the one who has a partner, it is his responsibility". I was on my way to get out and leave but before I left, I told him that this must stop and we cannot do this again. If necessary, we won't meet again.

Then he told me that he loves me, that he fell in love with me and that he is leaving his partner if I'll take him.

But me, scared as hell of being intimate for real with another and within that, being in a relationship that might hold for more than a few months, I told him that he doesn't love me, he loves his partner and that he should forget about me and move back to the city he came from where she is. For years later I felt regret that I didn't follow this through because this guy, was a guy to bring home lol. But that is another design that I will write about in another blog.

 

When he told me he loved me, I became completely frightened. I was shocked and my only reaction was - " 'WTF' it cannot be real, it is wrong, no, I cannot allow it." Obviously, I didn't investigate my reactions back then and I simply ignored all of that. So, to be able to face this in terms of suppressing the experience, I started having hatred feelings towards him as if he is so bad for doing this to his partner, not seeing my responsibility within it. and so, I don't think I ever saw him again, we might spoke on the phone one time, by chance, when a friend of mine figured out years later that her co-worker knows me so she called me from work and he took the phone from her. I think that was when he told me that him and his partner are getting married.

 

A few weeks ago, he contacted me. He told me that so much had happened and that he wanted to share with me. I was sure that he either has kids or that they broke up. the thought about him having kids was like a pin in my heart and the thought of them no longer together was like an inner excitement, like maybe now we can set things right. Apparently, they do not have kids but they are still together lol.

 

Then, I got another E-mail from him, telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me for the last 2 weeks and that he told his co-workers about me and the other friend that were traveling with us and how he would like to hug me like old time style. (the time we were together overseas).

 

I reacted to this - first within excitement as if I still have influence on him, because he still have secret thoughts about me, that he remembers me and that if I only want to, he would leave his partner. Then, when I reminded myself that I've walked through the design of me wanting those who are unavailable, the why and how I have accepted and allowed myself in the past to participate in the design and what are the consequences, I initially felt ashamed for participating within the energy experience of excitement when reading his words and seeing his expression in my mind saying these words, then I moved into Guilt within the back chat of - what if she reads this e-mail? I don't want to be responsible for their brake up, I don't want this to start all over again, and then I moved to Anger which I projected towards him. I wrote him back that I really hope that he isn't doing anything in that nature with anyone else because he is married now. I didn't hear from him since.

 

The next day, I started investigating my reactions, my emotions and feelings and why and how this point presented itself again. How is it that despite of me seeing the design, I still invite it into my life and still not standing up and directing myself effectively in not accepting and allowing this kind of shit within me and this world. I felt guilty for this point having to present itself again for me to face and correct myself while I influence other people lives and within that messes up their life.

I was reminded then that the only thing I must focus on is me, and my responsibility within it all. What ever they are going through, is their process to walk because as long as I haven't sorted out myself, I wouldn't be able to stand as a support for them.

 

 

Will continue sharing my investigation and correction in my next blog

 

 

It is time to STOP Existing as a Human Machine - Day 186

This is a continuation to:

Copy Paste Character - the Way for Success? - Day 183

Copy Paste Character - The Education System - Day 184

Is it possible to Cheat yourself? Day 185

 

I commit myself to STOP diminishing myself through and as Accepting and Allowing the Copy-Paste Character to exists within and as me as I see, realize and understand how and why I have accepted the character to exists within and as me and the consequences that had emerged from accepting and allowing the Copy-Paste character to exists within and as me. I realized that I've been looking for the short cut, the Quick Fix, as part of my desire and design to be MORE than who I am within the belief that the More I do, the More I'm being validated by others and to be able to do MORE, the less time I have in walking each and every responsibility to its utmost potential. I Realized that through accepting and allowed the Copy-Paste Character, not only I'm sabotaging myself, I'm also compromising the Group as I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to walk each and every step within Breath by breath living application and instead, have been walking short cuts and not fulfilling my responsibility as effective as possible.

 

I commit myself to STOP looking for the short cuts and the Quick Fix as I see, realize and understand that through seeing and looking for the quick fix and the short cuts, I'm in fact Missing a breath since - to be able to desire the short cuts and the quick fix, I must have created an idea/belief/opinion about who I would be as the end result of that which I do and through projecting this idea/belief/opinion towards what I do, I've missed a breath, missed an opportunity to walk Breath by Breath as WHO I really am which would result with the best utmost potential outcome within everything that I do because when walking within and as breath, step by step, moment by moment, One is Physically here, directing one's world and one's environment according to that which is best for all within the realization that there is so much that can be done within each and every breath and everything that is being done within each and every breath must be, walked and applied to one's utmost abilities within and as the principle of what is best for all and within that - the Physical space time is irrelevant - what relevant as WHO one is within Everything that one do.

 

I commit myself to BE HERE, within each and every breath, within each and every thing that I do and within that, I commit myself to - when and as I'm busy with a task, to Asses my starting point within that, making sure it is aligned with what's best for all. I commit myself to - When and as I'm busy with a task, to BREATHE, to test and check in self honesty that I'm physically here, walking the steps that would result with the utmost best outcome, regardless that time that it takes as I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to rush and have things done, I'm not applying myself as the best that I am able to, which result with compromising of myself, the group and existence as a whole because I would time loop again and again till I change myself in fact, in absolute self honesty.

 

I commit myself to SHOW how and why the world system as a whole and the Education system in particular, is in the support of the continuation of the Human Robot existence that would never stand up and call for a change that is best for all as this change may threaten those in Power, those with Money and thus Control and would place them in an EQUAL position to the rest of man kind with EQUAL opportunities of having Dignified and fulfilling LIFE.

 

I commit myself to SHOW How and Why the Education system do not support the human beings in developing a critical thinking, developing Skills to think, analyse, assess, check their existence within and as a principle of what is best for all and in that, I commit myself to SHOW that the education system world wide do not in fact educate the humans to be and become an effective human beings in this world, with substantial Life Skills that would benefit existence as a whole because once the human beings would stand in equilibrium with who they are, within and as the principle of equality and oneness, those in power and control would have EQUAL status to every human being in this world and would have to equally contribute to maintain and sustain a world that is best for all, unlike how it is working now for them, where they have slaves to do the hard work for them.

Is it possible to Cheat yourself? Day 185

This is a continuation to:

Copy Paste Character - the Way for Success? - Day 183

Copy Paste Character - The Education System - Day 184

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Program myself deliberately as a consumer, always looking and seeking for the quick fix, the short cut in having things done, so that I could get MORE in LESS time within the common belief that MORE is what we should be seeking after, MORE is what we must become and through having MORE and MORE and MORE we will be successful and be seen as achievers by our environment and they would respect us and see us as superior not ever seeing, realizing and understanding that while rushing through within the journey to be and have MORE, we are missing the very BASIC more of what we could have be and become if we were to stop seeking for MORE and actually Participate with the Physical reality, Breath by Breath, in HEREness of and as Equality and Oneness and in that, Be in fact MORE than what we have become as a limited version of ourselves as our minds but rather, Live as Physical respectful of LIFE human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, from an inferior starting point, to look for the short cut and the quick fix because I believed I cannot walk to my full potential unless I achieve something that is visible that could be respected by others whom would validate me for my achievement and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through looking for the validation and appreciations of others, to use the short cuts and in doing so, diminish myself so completely as I've not accepted and allowed myself to walk my life, breath by breath within the inner self realization that there is only so much one can do in each and every breath and one should focus on making the best out of each and every breath instead of brushing off what one does within the starting point of pleasing others so that they could validate self as self beliefs that one cannot validate oneself unless someone else validate self.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to disrespect myself within accepting and allowing myself to direct myself within and as the starting point of brushing stuff off, looking for short cuts, seeking for the quick fix and I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that within accepting this starting point through having a projected idea of who and what I should be and in that - being a specific person according to my eye's views as soon as possible, I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Stand HERE, BREATHE and directly see ME, in absolute Self Awareness, and accordingly make aware decisions that are based on a principle of what is best for all and in that, walking my decisions, breath by breath as to my utmost potential as who I am within what I do.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to miss a breath when looking for the quick fix and the short cut to achieve my desires that I've created within and as my mind and in missing a breath, I have accepted and allowed myself to project the idea of what I require to do for me to be validated, appreciated by others so that I could be worthy in my eye's view once I'm worthy according to others eye's view.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of the accumulation effect of taking more and more upon myself within the starting point of being MORE to other people so that they could respect, validate and appreciate me and then, when it comes to the point of having more things to do then what is possible to do within the space time breath by breath application, I looked for the short cuts to have my assignments done, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within that cycle that I've created for myself, I've compromised and sabotaged myself and others as not walking my assignment according to the utmost potential it can be done when walking each and every step in breath by breath.

 

 

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable with unavailable men because then, the chances of me getting hurt are almost nonexistent however, within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider me and me only wherein, I didn't take into consideration the female that is involved and how I'm directly responsible to a friction that is caused in their relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to orient myself towards unavailable guys to bypass the fear of being hurt again instead of taking responsibility for myself and that which I've accepted and allowed myself to participate with - blaming others for my own self victimization and to in that, sort myself out and prepare myself for an effective relationship with a male where we could start from the get go, build, develop and establish effective relationship that is not based on past memory experiences but rather on the potential of us standing together, in alignment, assisting and supporting ourselves to become a better human beings in this world, accepting our responsibilities as human beings in this world and so - grow and expand ourselves together within the principle of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to utilize my abilities to assist and support human beings when it comes to unavailable males wherein, instead of supporting them to correct and establish a functioning best for all relationship/agreement with their partner, I would lure them into falling in love with me, so that I could feel desirable and yearn for while disrespecting within this, myself, the male and the male's partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider unavailable men as a challenge, as if I must get them to prove that I'm more than their partner, as if having them, will satisfied my own self worth, not seeing, realizing and understanding that my participation within my desire to feel desirable in comparison to the male's partner is indicating exactly the opposite wherein, I've placed my self worth in other beings, in separation of me and in accepting and allowing the above design within and as me, self worth is nonexistent as I require something else to give me worth and in doing so, would crash over anyone in the attempt to get this alleged self worth as I've accepted and allowed my own self interest as my directive principle.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience stress when talking with a man that is available for a relationship and experience calmness amalgamate with naughtiness when communicating with a male that is unavailable for a relationship and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access the seducer character when and as I meet a guy that is unavailable for a relationship from the starting point of feeling desirable and more attractive than their own partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to open a door for the males to leave their partner in order to choose to be with me instead of instead of standing as a pillar of support, deleting my own self interest desire to feel MORE and stand as a principle of that which is best for all and in that, assist and support the male to support himself to support the relationship with his partner within the principle of Give as you'd like to receive.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to move and speak in a specific mannerism when communicating with unavailable guy for a relationship and within the way I move and speak, to seduce them in falling in love with me, so that they could break up from their partner and be with me and I'll get what I want - a momentary feeling of being MORE and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to move and speak differently as how I would move and speak with all human beings equally as one, when communicating with unavailable men.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be with a man that was previously unavailable and was breaking up with his partner for "me" and despite of me knowing how the pattern fold itself and how the man is really not trust worthy, I have accepted and allowed this man in my life for a momentary feeling like I'm MORE and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to- when in a relationship such as this, to constantly fear that the relationship would end as I know within and as me that the starting point of this relationship was based on Energy and that the energy would eventually dissipate and the guy would move on to the next target to continue recharging himself with a new and exciting experience.

 

I Commit myself to STOP and DELETE my desire to Feel MORE as I see, realize and understand the consequences of my actions when playing along with my desire for a specific experience.

 

I commit myself to stand as a pillar of support when and as I communicate with a guy that I see him having secret agendas in relation to me as I've came to learn how the body moves and how the voice change and what specific words the guy would use when and as the guy is interested in me while having a relationship with another woman. And thus, I commit myself to immediately assess, test and check within and as myself, whether or not there is even the slightest movement of a energetic desire within and as me. If I find that there is, I Delete the Desire, Breath and place myself back here. when I'm done, clear and stable within myself, I assist and support the male through showing him what he is accepting and allowing within himself and accordingly, open up this point, support him in changing his starting point in his relationship with his partner from energy starting point to Physical support starting point.

 

I Commit myself to not accept and allow myself to continuing the game that I was playing with unavailable guys within the belief that in this way, I cannot be hurt again and instead, to sort myself out within and as myself through a process of self forgiveness, self honesty and self corrective physical application as I see, realize and understand that participating in this game indicate that I've not accepted and allowed me as who I am and that in fact, I'm less than who I am when requiring others to validate and give me worth.