This is a continuation to:
What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158
No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167
Continuing with Love, Sex and Spirituality -
Obviously, not having sex for 2 years had made me feel good about myself, like I'm more than who I am or who I was, that I'm clean, purified and ready for my ONE.
That time, I lived in a small neighborhood that was mostly defined by the various artists that lived there. It
Was by itself, a Spiritual place - and it was where I was first exposed to Spirituality.
I was known by lots of people because I used to walk with my dog many times during the day as well as working in a gallery in the centre of the neighborhood where I could sit down on the street coffee shop when there were no costumers.
So, one day, one of the neighbours came to join me on my table and told me a little bit about himself, where is he from, what does he do in Israel and he invited me to come to see his performance which I was very much excited about because the show he was participated in was a show that I wanted to go to for a while.
The day after he called me and said he got a ticket for me and so - I went.
To make long story short, this guy followed me around for a few weeks, asked me out, took me to places, used specific words to get my attention, sang song to me and so on. For me, it was a new and exciting experience because his cultural behaviour and mannerism was far from the Average Israeli cultural behaviour and mannerism and I liked it. The words they use in their culture is in a way, respecting, warming, inviting. Like, the woman is considered, appreciated and respected. (Or so I thought :-) )
When we got to the Sex Point and I was still holding onto my decision to not have sex until I'm certain that I have supportive relationship with the "One" and also, I was step away from leaving the country for a few months and I couldn't trust that the relationship would stand when I'm gone.
Interesting enough, all the Red Flags where there but I didn't want to see because it was disguised with nice words. The pattern that emerged in my life previously showed me that the men that I'm interesting in, only wants sex. Those whom are interesting in me, I do not want them. Obviously, I didn't have the tools to investigate how and why this pattern had emerged throughout my life and how I'm directly the cause of this pattern.
At some stage, I became hooked to the new experience with this guy and I was starting to belief that I took the non sex thing to far and that I'm punishing myself by not having sex. The starting point obviously, wasn't self honesty, it was self manipulation so that I could have sex. It wasn't like I suddenly became clear through, investigating why from the get go I punished myself with restraining sex. And so.. I had sex.
For the next 2 weeks, before I left, we had cool relationship, we spent lots of time together and slept together almost every night. I had no idea that inside him, he was playing this game because I knew that I'm leaving and that the relationship would fade away as I'm gone. During the time together, I totally lost it and I fall in love. Literally FELL lol.
When I came back from India, I had realized that the entire thing we had previous to my trip was all about sex, and that the words that was used was to get me into bed. He took the non sex thing as a challenge and decided within him that he must break me down. I confronted him about it and asked him directly whether it was all about getting me into bed and he looked me in the eyes and said - Yes. Only Sex.
The truth - I was lucky enough to have already walking Process and slowly but surely was more comfortable with my own self application to assist and support me in pulling myself up again and to not suck into another emotional breakdown that may take years to step out of.
So, if yesterday I've seen that No Sex = No Relationship and tried to walk the other side of the polairty - Having sex = Having a relationship doesn't work as well. And so - what is really the problem, is it men or me? Where is my Value system through my relationship stories? No where to be found. :-)
Anu's interview from today - The Relationship between Sexuality and Money - opened up another dimension regarding my choice in man and my tendency to go after assholes guys. So.. More to come tomorrow which then finally, the entire picture would be clear for me to free myself from my past experiences, my choices, my decisions through a process of Self Forgiveness, Self Commitment and Practical/physical change.
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