The Love Experience - Day 170

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where children are being extensively brainwashed into becoming Self Interests Vampires, searching and looking for LOVE that would give one the Experience of Divinity, Wholeness, completeness, Loved and Cared for, for only a Moment, and through this, the children are turning into adults that would perpetuate the separation that is based on one's Self Interest in a divided, cruel and abusive words, which they would justify the wars for example in the name of Love.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the Reason why Love was promoted in this world is for us to not face our fears of being alone and so, instead of assisting and supporting the human race with giving them tools to be able to face and deal with their fears, Humanity had become Zombies - totally blinded from seeing reality as what it is and only focus on one's achievement for one's love and accordingly, never even consider creating a world that is best for all where the Self Interest transform to a common interest that is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the Idea about LOVE that is prompt into children from a very young age through the media as fairy tales, Books and TV, is coming from the starting point of Controlling the masses so that we would never, ever, stand up for a world that is best for all because through this brainwashing, we remain enslaved to the idea/concept of LOVE as an experience which we must attain at least once in our lives and within that, we will not rest until we will have it, we will not see anything, until we will have it and from that perspective, we will not care of anything or anyone else as long as we maintain and get to this moment of Love that would fulfil our inner self wit emotions and feelings that will entirely take over any chance of common sense and within that - seeing reality as it is, what is required to be done to be able to establish, develop and manifest a world that is in fact, best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create specific symbolism through which I can define Love as an experience which only when these symbolism are manifested, the feeling of Love is over taking my entire physical body wherein, I'll justify and reason why I'm feeling that which I'm feeling and would in that, ignore the physical reality, all the signs, all the red flags that indicate that I'm accessing another cycle of self sabotage and in that, direct myself within decisions that are based in practicality instead if directing myself according to the symbolism that I've created in my mind which I defined as real and valid.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place values in my illusions regarding LOVE that I've created already in the childhood years and since everyone was holding onto the same values, I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that these values must be real.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see what LOVE is and in that, accepted and allowed myself to always seek for that experience as others had told me that I must experience it within my Life and in that, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of this LOVE, and the consequences of accepting and allowing self to be blinded by this love and in that, questioning - if love was so magnificent and important, why are accepting and allowing a world of HATE that is justified by LOVE?

Values System within my Mind – Day 169

 

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

 

So, it is clear by now that my decisions regarding men were always fucked up so to speak. While writing it all down, it made me realize that my value system was always unstable from the perspective of valuing specific characteristic while always disregarding myself in self trust/respect. 

 

My tendency was going after those who have strong relationship with their dicks (excuse me for being so frank), those who have self confident, very masculine and strong affection to Porn and Masturbation. Obviously, I didn't look at why am I attracted to those characteristics and what is myself interest desire within it.

Through listening to The Relationship between Sexuality and Money interview, I'm seen why and how I developed the tendency to be with assholes guys.

 

Until recently, the moment I met a guy or targeted someone as the prospected partner, the first thought that came up in my mind was - will he be able to financially take care of me. Now, it is not that I'm not capable to take care of myself but the preprograming is so extensive that only when slowing myself down, I noticed the existence of this backchat within my mind.

I would than go to the imagination dimension, seeing us together, already living together and having a future together. For more about the imagination dimension, please read:  Illusion Reality vs. the Physical Reality - Day 3 as well as watch: Illusion Reality vs. the Physical Reality YouTube video.

 

However, I never investigated the nature of the back chat in relationship to the male's relationship with one's sexuality and money and my attraction towards these men.

As I'm scanning through my past relationships, each one of them had the potential of being financial stable and each one of them had a close relationship to Porn and Masturbation. And the guys that were chasing after me, where exactly the opposite - no financial stability and no close relationship to Porn and Masturbation.

 

So, what does it says about me? Where, why and how I've placed within me the values that led me to make such decisions? What did I valued vs. what I didn't value and who I was within these values and whether or not I have ever valued myself? Where did I pick up these values and who taught me these values?

Lots of question that I never asked myself and thus, so blindly followed these values and fell into the same pattern within the decisions I've made, over and over again.

 

From tomorrow - extensive Self Forgiveness regarding all the points I've written down recently. Stay tuned.

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

 

Continuing with Love, Sex and Spirituality -

 

And so.. As time past by, my resistance towards having a partner had grown and it was 2 years before I had sex again.

 

Obviously, not having sex for 2 years had made me feel good about myself, like I'm more than who I am or who I was, that I'm clean, purified and ready for my ONE.

 

That time, I lived in a small neighborhood that was mostly defined by the various artists that lived there. It

Was by itself, a Spiritual place - and it was where I was first exposed to Spirituality.

I was known by lots of people because I used to walk with my dog many times during the day as well as working in a gallery in the centre of the neighborhood where I could sit down on the street coffee shop when there were no costumers.

 

So, one day, one of the neighbours came to join me on my table and told me a little bit about himself, where is he from, what does he do in Israel and he invited me to come to see his performance which I was very much excited about because the show he was participated in was a show that I wanted to go to for a while.

The day after he called me and said he got a ticket for me and so - I went.

 

To make long story short, this guy followed me around for a few weeks, asked me out, took me to places, used specific words to get my attention, sang song to me and so on. For me, it was a new and exciting experience because his cultural behaviour and mannerism was far from the Average Israeli cultural behaviour and mannerism and I liked it. The words they use in their culture is in a way, respecting, warming, inviting. Like, the woman is considered, appreciated and respected. (Or so I thought :-) )

 

When we got to the Sex Point and I was still holding onto my decision to not have sex until I'm certain that I have supportive relationship with the "One" and also, I was step away from leaving the country for a few months and I couldn't trust that the relationship would stand when I'm gone.

 

Interesting enough, all the Red Flags where there but I didn't want to see because it was disguised with nice words. The pattern that emerged in my life previously showed me that the men that I'm interesting in, only wants sex. Those whom are interesting in me, I do not want them. Obviously, I didn't have the tools to investigate how and why this pattern had emerged throughout my life and how I'm directly the cause of this pattern.

 

At some stage, I became hooked to the new experience with this guy and I was starting to belief that I took the non sex thing to far and that I'm punishing myself by not having sex. The starting point obviously, wasn't self honesty, it was self manipulation so that I could have sex. It wasn't like I suddenly became clear through, investigating why from the get go I punished myself with restraining sex. And so.. I had sex.

 

For the next 2 weeks, before I left, we had cool relationship, we spent lots of time together and slept together almost every night. I had no idea that inside him, he was playing this game because I knew that I'm leaving and that the relationship would fade away as I'm gone. During the time together, I totally lost it and I fall in love. Literally FELL lol.

 

When I came back from India,  I had realized that the entire thing we had previous to my trip was all about sex, and that the words that was used was to get me into bed. He took the non sex thing as a challenge and decided within him that he must break me down. I confronted him about it and asked him directly whether it was all about getting me into bed and he looked me in the eyes and said - Yes. Only Sex.

 

The truth - I was lucky enough to have already walking Process and slowly but surely was more comfortable with my own self application to assist and support me in pulling myself up again and to not suck into another emotional breakdown that may take years to step out of.

 

So, if yesterday I've seen that No Sex = No Relationship and tried to walk the other side of the polairty - Having sex = Having a relationship doesn't work as well. And so - what is really the problem, is it men or me? Where is my Value system through my relationship stories? No where to be found. :-)

 

Anu's interview from today - The Relationship between Sexuality and Money - opened up another dimension regarding my choice in man and my tendency to go after assholes guys. So.. More to come tomorrow which then finally, the entire picture would be clear for me to free myself from my past experiences, my choices, my decisions through a process of Self Forgiveness, Self Commitment and Practical/physical change.

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

 

Continuing with Spiritualizing Love..

 

When I was a spiritual person, I believed that I must purify my Body and my Sex Chakra because of my past sexual partners. I came to believe that unless I retrain sex from myself, I would never find the ONE and that I must preserve my  body for the special guy. Till then.. No sex for me.

 

By the time I came to India and met my 'Master', I was totally possessed by the fact that my soul is not purified, that my soul is dirty and that I must walk a cleansing process to undo what I've done.

My Female Master was working with my sex Chakra and asked me to not have sex during the time I was studying to become an Healer. And blindly, I followed her commend and what happened then?? Obviously, I met a guy.

 

In India, things works in a different pace in comparison to the regular city norms. We spend 2 days together, talking, getting to know each other and 2 days after, we were already living together. "But I can't have sex. It is forbidden. I want to, I can't. maybe it is fine because he is also walking a cleansing process, so maybe I should have sex. I meat, what can go wrong, we already kissed and everything.." - that was my back chat but I couldn't give in to the back chat because the thought about having un purified sex chakra was to much to carry. And facing my master the day after?! Oh no.. Can't go there.

So we didn't have sex and a week after, he decided to move out because according to him, it was too difficult to sleep in my bad without having sex and he cannot stand the temptation.

 

Immediately, I associated the following- Not having sex with a guy Equals to not having a relationship because the only thing a guy wants from me is sex. So, I accepted it, I let him go and within that justified why it was a good decision to not have sex with him. Inside me, I felt resentment towards this guy in particular and towards males in general.

 

When I came back to Israel, I met another guy. He was really sweet and kind and I even step out of my safe zone and allowed myself to go out with him on a date. But - one thing was certain - No sex, not even kissing is allowed.

So, we met a few times and slowly but surely I started developing resentment toward him and was constantly looking for fault in him. every time we met, he asked to kiss me and I said: "No". And as much as he pushed, I became more impatient until I cut it completely off.

Where I'm getting to? Well - I had a dream a few days ago which was as clear as water - no need to interpreted or make any assumptions. Me and this guy from Israel were sleeping together, we were a couple, and I did some things while he was still a sleep lol. When he woke up, he told me: "I didn't know that you are so sexually expressive" and he took some liquid form and wet the bed around me, and said that this liquid will restrain my sexuality. And I woke up.

 

This dream shows me that I've suppressed my sexuality to such an extent that I don't even know myself as a sexual person and that there is a still a part of me that spiritualize sex - a point that I'v not completely investigated and looked at.

 

So… tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

 

So I'm continuing with What is Love to me and I almost got to this point in time where I have found Desteni. However, there is another phase I must walk to see how I've defined Love, Who I am as Love, Why I am as Love and What is Love to me.

I started of with walking through my first Love and the consequences of this Divinity experience  that I had imprinted into me from a childhood years through the fairy tales stories and movies. Then, I walked through how I've blinded myself to such an extent that I couldn’t see the signs that where all over the place until everything had to fall, went into depression and finally, found what Love is to me, which I'll get to after I'll cover the missing piece - the Spiritual LOVE.

 

So… What is Love to me from the Spiritual eyes? One big cosmos joke? No really.. I didn't see that as a scheme right away. I had to walk a process of complete mind fuck regarding LOVE as a spiritual person.

As a spiritual person, seeking for enlightenment, seeking for inner peace and seeking for Self love so that the divine love that I had initially fantasied about could maybe manifest within and as my world.

 

I was sure that I had to do nothing but meditate and wait to my ONE according to all the channelling, Astrologists, Psychics that I've met and paid lots of money for. I was sure that he is coming and when he didn't I've altered that love to another form of promising love - I wanted a child. A baby boy that would love me and cherish me and you know.. When I get old, would care for me and save me from my elderly misery. So you see, I've changed the component that I wanted to have from my prospect partner and imposed it the a prospect child.

 

I was talking to this prospect baby, I even saw him (lololol). I prepared myself to him, I gave up the idea of a partner in this picture because my biologic clock was ticking from a reason that was unknown to me.

Lol the biologic clock - that would be another character to walk.

 

I practice Universal Love, Cosmos Love, Love and Light, sending vibration of Love towards the world and through my love to the world, everything will be fine, but only for those who have practice the same. For the rest - they are walking their Karma, they are punishing themselves for what they have done in their past lives. Obviously, I haven't seen that the LOVE that I defined myself within and as was nothing but a delusional phase that was all based on my own self interest and I haven't seen that the spiritual Love, the one that is based on Good and Positive Energy vibration had nothing to do with the physical process of actually bring Love into a physical manifestation where I walk the process of making sure that all would have a dignified life and no one would ever have to suffer in this world as a whole. For my Spiritual Expose blogs - please visit Here

 

Love for me, as a spiritual person was none existent in fact because the depression would not go away. When I was all alone, at home, the depression was very much there. So what have I done? I brought home a Dog and completely spiritualized her - I made her my LOVE, my baby, my partner, my prince charming.. She was everything to me. I've seen the other day that my relationship with my dog, which is no longer in my custody as I had to leave her to a family to take care of her when I moved to the farm, is not yet clear and I will walk in blogs to come the debunking of this point as I see how I'm still very much emotional regarding her presence or lack of presence in my world and my environment. 

 

Than, what was Love to me? Well, I never knew - for me, everything remain the same.. I didn't love myself more, I didn't love anyone else more, except my dog and the prospect child that I saw in my visions. Obviously, I didn't dare speaking it out loud because as a spiritual being.. I must obey to my porpuse, I had to suffer so that I could birth myself.. I was all love and light in my external presentation and was all Dark and Hate in my internal presentation, so Dark that I couldn't see it. If anything, Love was contained with confusion and I only got myself further away from Love as I couldn't stop the depression, no matter how much I had tried to keep myself busy with Love and Light.

I remember now that the patterns had never changed and my choice of man in my spiritual phase was the same as before - no self respect but only now, I have abused the idea about spiritual Love to fit in with my childhood desire for the divine Love.

Lol I tried, I really did, to experience this fantasy Love through meditation and spiritual gathering with other beings.. Nothing worked - when I met guys that I could in fact build an establish an effective relationship with, I made the same mistakes, over and over again. I feared being in a relationship so much that I never let anyone getting close to me, I didn't let anyone to invade my private inner me so that I would NEVER again would get close enough to the experience of being rejected by the man that I Loved. I couldn't allow myself to get intimate with another human being because I feared that my world would collapse again if the relationship will not last. The gap between what I desired and what I feared was huge and I couldn't balance that point and so, preferred being alone, despite of my fears of ending up alone because it was safer for me.. The chance of having this disappointment again was dominant, unconsciously, I could not bare it.

 

So, it seems that I would have ended up alone, with depression if I would have not find Desteni. It is not that I have a partner now that after finding Desteni but I do not require one to fulfil me, to take care of me, to fulfil my childhood desires, to support with my happiness, to touch my face and tell me he loves me. It is not that I wouldn't walk an agreement with anyone, I would if it's here, supportive and aligned with where I am in my process. But one thing is definitive - I am here, assisting and supporting myself, no more depression, no more compromising myself, no more self abuse within relationship.. No.

 

Spiritual Love was an alternation of my childhood fantasies into words that are acceptable within the Spiritual regime. When I'm bringing the moment here, there is nothing there. Love was so undefined as a spiritual person, Love was an Empty word with no context to back it up. I guess that what assisted me to see and hear the Desteni message. In self honesty, already in the spiritual phase, Love was so suppressed within and as me, like a dark wall that I had no intention of breaking through.

 

What is Love to me now than? Will uncover, redefine and reveal in my next blogs where I'll be walking the SF regarding to the question - What is Love to me.

 

 

Artwork by Scott Cook

What is Love to me? Part 2 -- Day 157

The Relationship between Love, Sex and Relationships

 

 

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

 

To be able to answer this question, I must first let go of the judgement I have towards this word - both the Negative and the Positive because while I'm holding on the energetic charge in judgement, I cannot see what Love is to me as I would go and alter my words, essentially manipulating myself so that my answer would suit the judgement I've placed upon this word.

 

Love was a fantasy that I was aiming to achieve through finding the ONE that would make me feel the divinity I've imposed onto what I thought Love is.

Love was a point where I could feel my entire existence safe and sound, knowing that there would be this ONE that would love me, care for me, be there for me, no matter what.

Love was a point which where I was seeking for saviour - someone who would pull me from my own self misery that I had experienced within and as me only, I had no realization that I was the one who created this self misery to be able to experience the moment of being saved.

Love was Communication - where I could share all my ins and outs and not being judged, corrected and diminished.

Love was someone who place his hand on my face, look right into my eyes and could, in that moment, see the entirety of me - all my secrets that I've kept within and as me.

Love was someone who would place me first, before everything and everyone else, who would always consider me first and build his entire world around me - to always satisfied me needs and my desires.

I can start seeing now, how these components above where the ideal partner that I was looking for and if one of the component didn't match the physical reality, I would back off, I would resent, I would close myself up and wouldn't let the being access my inner me. I wouldn't give this person a chance to get to know me, get to know himself as me, and essentially, get to know each other as who we really are.

 

And so - with my first boyfriend - some of the components didn't exists because I didn't feel safe, I didn't feel complete, I didn’t feel saved, I didn't feel that I can communicate with unconditionally..

And as the years goes by and my desire for love grow, I started to priorities these components and could only be satisfied with someone who slightly care about me, just enough to give me a call once a day, to hug me when we meet and that was basically it.

Although, I still pushed the point of wanting more from the partner, wanting to fulfil my fantasies, wanting to feel this love in its entirety. You know.. Like in the movies. But my fear of ending up alone was always more dominant and so, I allowed myself to compromise myself in terms of the decisions to stand within my own self agreement regarding to what I would accept and allow from my partner as well as myself and what I would not.

 

It was inevitable that I would end up alone and won't fulfil my desires as my desires were never real. Obviously, while I wasn't aware of my own self deception and believed so truly that love, as I defined love, exists, I access depression and got only further away from myself. Until I came across DESTENI. 

 

Initially, before Desteni, I started a spiritual process trying to find LOVE from a new point of view. This time it was more oriented towards myself - to start loving myself. However, here, I would  have to look at the definition I've placed to LOVE as Energy delusional value and what Love was to me within and as the spiritual eyes.

 

So - to be continued as I'm unfolding for myself, for the first time what Love is to me, why I am as love and who I am as love.

 

Art work – Andrew Gable 

The Relationship between Love, Sex and Relationships - Day 156

Part 1 - My First Love

 

So for a while now I've been looking at my relationship to Sex, Sexuality and Relationships and interesting enough, I've not yet looked at LOVE in terms of What is LOVE to me, Who I am as Love and Why I am as Love. Within that questions further investigating the relationship between Love to Money and Family as the stepping stones of one's personality/character creation. Within this blog, I would also look at the question - Is Love based on Fear?

 

Ever since I was a child, watching these fairy tales movies and reading fairy tales stories, I developed this fantasy of having such great Love because the experienced of those characters in the fairy tales was like, almost, divine, something so special that would make my life be so perfect.

I remember having these fantasy of having a guy that would do everything for me, as if I was a princess, that he would love me so much and I could experience this divine feeling for myself.

 

When I was quite young, around 15 years old, I came across this boy that I was friend with in kindergarten. I told my mother about this crash and she supported me in being brave enough to ask him out and make the first move, she even got his phone number for me and this is when I faced the first rejection. This boy was so shy, he didn't understand what I want from him. as if I came from no where, calling him out of the blow, it was weird lol. But for me - I experienced disappointment to such and extent that a few years after, when I was in my 20ties, I saw this boy again and when he started making a move on me, the resentment for rejecting me years back was dominant and I didn't play with him the flirting game so that I could get my revenge by rejecting him back.

 

Another point that is quite interesting is my first boyfriend. Man, he was prince charming, someone that every mother would want for her child lol. He loved me so much and I had no idea how to process that love. He used to write songs for me, write me love letters, he even recorded one of his songs that he wrote for me. He used to create for me these art presents and I was extremely overwhelmed by it all and started resented him for that. I felt shame and discomfort because I didn't feel the same way and I was afraid that if someone in my family knew how much he loves me and what he is doing for me, they will make fun of me.

 

Every time he told me he loves me - I didn't tell him back because I didn't experience the divinity that I assumed I should feel in comparison to the fairy tales stories and movies. I mean, this guy, loved me in the way every girl wants to be loved and cared for but I didn't feel the same. I obviously didn't investigate the reason for my blockage in feeling these things for him and never communicate the why I'm not allowing myself to have these feelings for him. only now I can start seeing the picture in much more clarity and see how my fears took over and through those fears I made really bad decisions. It's interesting how I was looking for something that was right there in front of my eyes and I couldn't see it back then. I couldn't see that the answer was always here and the answer was me.. That I'm the answer from the perspective of - I'm the one who decide.

 

And so, as you could read in my blogs, I made up these excuses and justification for breaking up with him, not being aware of my starting point, the force that behind my so called free choice in my decision to break up and my decisions afterwards regarding the partner I choose to be with.

 

After a few months, I found my first obsession. I met a guy that was 6 years older than me and I experienced my first love. This experience that I've created within and as myself was obviously not something I could have seen back than. I couldn't see that the experience I was creating had anything to do with my need to revenge my upbringing, the need to rebel, the need to live a fantasy that I've accumulated from childhood. This guy was responsible enough to break up with me before it was too late but I saw it as absolute rejection because I couldn't live up to my fantasy. I became totally possessed and did everything I could to win him back. I mean everything.. Including placing myself in an abusive relationship so that I could be saved by him. I was saved, but not by him. I was saved by luck.. It could have been much worst.

All this time, my first boyfriend, the one who loved me dearly, was witnessing me fucking my life around and could do nothing about it because as far as I was concerned, I didn't feel the same way he felt for me.  No matter what he had done to show me what I was busy doing to myself, I couldn't see because I suspected that is starting point was to win me back and that he is manipulating me and so - I disregard everything he had said - verbally and in writings. I simply placed all his letters in a box which I opened 4 years ago, but I will get to this point later.

 

This Love - I could only experience it once again when I was 23. it lasted 6 years within me, despite of us being together for only 6 months. I couldn't let go of this love experience that I felt within and as me, I couldn't let go the fantasy that one day, he will want me back. I couldn't let go that it was done.

This love… I was completely blind to what was here. I couldn't see all the red signs, I couldn't see that we are not aligned, I couldn't see how inadequate this guy was for me. But this love - I could do anything to get this love again, to get this guy again. I even give him another chance a year after we broke up. I decided to fight for him and I went to see him and we decided to give it another go. Only that he had to leave for 2 months for a work thingy and I, holding onto this love, agreed to the arrangement of us being together when I comes back. The day before he had to go, we went to a party, got drunk and he told me that he did a mistake by letting me go, that he loves me so much, and he had cried. And for me… that was the one thing I wanted to hear. That was the one thing I needed to hear, enough to get totally possessed again and change my entire life for the little chance he would still feel the same when he get back. I didn't see the pattern playing out. I didn't consider how we met, where did we met and who was involved in our "love story":

 

I met him in Thailand while he had an arrangement with his ex girlfriend that when he comes back, they might come back together. Only then, I came to this picture and took her place and so, we were together. However now, I was the ex-girlfriend and he went abroad and guess what - he found a new girlfriend and I was left behind. Without even being notified about it.. Waiting for him to come back while all alone, he had already been in a new relationship.

I called him on his birthday to say happy birthday. I was still positive that everything is fine, that he still loves me, and there was another month left before he return and we'll be together. I was so excited and couldn't stop waiting for the moment I call him and speak to him. however, the first moment I called him, and I heard his voice, I knew.. He was sharing the bed with another girl. He was cheating on me.. In that moment, my world collapsed and the decisions that I've made from that single moment, where nothing but self abuse. 

 

Ok, so I will go up to here for today and will continue tomorrow opening up this point to see for the first time what Love was to me, who am I as love, why I am as love. Thank you for reading.