Creating and Living in a supportive environment (part 1) - Day 505

Before I came to live on the farm, I had this idea that once I get here, I will immediately create friendship relationship with all the people who live here; soon enough, I realized that with our busy schedules, we don't have much time to socialize and create relationships with one another. Over the years, I was primarily creating relationship with the people I was sharing the same house with and that was it.

Couple of weeks ago, I faced a big part of  my preprogram design and for a moment, it all seemed to be just too much and a thought came up, wishing Bernard was here to support me with his insights and way of looking at things. With me having the tendency to walk my process alone and only sharing myself with the other farm people after I walked the whole design, I isolated myself from everything and everyone so that I can walk the points for/as myself without anyone seeing me in a state that I, in the mind, defined as weak/vulnerable.

At one point, the farm people became aware of the points that I was walking through and one by one, people came to me, spent time with me and stood as incredible support for me. Initially, I felt uncomfortable being completely open with them in sharing everything that I was facing but soon enough I realized that each one of them had a gift for me as they walked similar points during their processes. Interestingly enough, every time the thought of Bernard came up, someone showed up and shared with me how they faced the point in the past and how Bernard supported them to walk through it for themselves.

With me spending more time with other farm members, I realized that relationships are not something that can be given to you, it is something we can create with one another if we allow ourselves to open up and invest time with each other. This was the one thing I didn't take into consideration when I first came here - relationships build over time, it cannot just happened to you.

What also supported me with the process of developing relationships of support with the farm people was Blackie -

He has back leg injury and he couldn't stay at my house any more as the environment of our house is not as supportive as for instance, in the top house. When I looked at talking with them about the possibility of them taking care of Blackie in their house, there was a part of me that expected them to say 'no' because they already have too many dogs and a baby. The part of me who doubted their perceived answer was a memory from my past where I had to leave my dog behind and it was extremely difficult to find people who were willing to take care of the dog, not to mention that Blackie was injured and needed specific support and attention. When I finally took the step to go and talk to them about it, there was not even a split of a moment where they had to think about it - immediately they saw the whole point, why it is needed and how they can manage the support structure for Blackie.

The recent events made me look at the whole point of creating and living in a supportive environment with people who are living by principles where self-interest is second and what is best for the environment is first. I was looking at how can we expand this way of living so that more and more people would be able to create supportive environments for themselves, outside of the farm.

Understand that even for us, it was a process which firstly (and still) we walk with ourselves. When Bernard died, we all came together and made an agreement to stand as a pillar of support for each other. It is one thing to make the decision/agreement and it is a whole other thing to walk the decision/agreement as an expression of ourselves, moment by moment.

We had to create our decision/agreement to live by principles through which we can support one another. That didn't just happened in one day - this was something we had to create with ourselves and each other and it is the same for everyone who wishes to create a supportive environment for themselves, we must create it. Creation is a process that will take time though, the potential exists for everyone.

will continue in the next blog…

Self Directive Principle - The creation of ourselves - Day 502

Continuing with my previous blogs where I ended off with:

"…In my next blog, I will open up the source of the sadness that I experienced before and after I met him and go into the specificity of why is it that in my mind, I separated myself from genuine self expression by associating expressions with different environments / people instead of realizing that Self-Expression is a decision that one is making in a moment of breath as who one is. In this also, why with not understanding what self expression is as a genuine expression of oneself, we project certain expressions onto others within the belief that they give us these expressions and without them, we cannot express that which we want to express and how this contribute to the Hope and Depression cycles…"

For context, please also read:

The relationship between Hope and Depression (introduction) - Day 499

The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500

Expressions in separation - The relationship between Hope and Depression - Day 501

When I started writing this blog series, I had a clear idea as to where am I going with the blogs - opening up the dimension of hope and depression in the context of relationship and self expressions but what opened up was actually something else:

  

In exploring the time line of before, during and after the break up, I noticed for the first time that the sadness that I experienced before I met this guy was actually always there but very subtle, there was no energy in it and that was something that I never seriously looked at before as I gave more value to the intensity of the sadness that I experienced after the break up. When I went further into the substance of what that subtle sadness was, I saw that it was actually a 'sorrow' in the sense always seeing my potential and yet, not living to my utmost potential.

In a way, I accepted the core sorrow that I've been always aware of, as normal, because it had always been a part of me, from a very young age so I didn't know anything else. Interestingly enough, the day I met my ex-partner was the day that I started looking at this core sorrow though before I got to the reality of it, I was already in a relationship, completely distracted from what I was looking at and that was where I actually missed the whole point and accessed a decade of time loop.

So what I started opening up with myself in going back to this one day where I missed the point of 'sorrow' was as follows: in the physical reality, what actually happened was that I was never satisfied with how I moved myself in my reality because I always allowed external forces to direct me instead of me, in self honesty, deciding for myself who I am and what I want to live as/by. I defined myself as disempowered to direct my own reality and I blamed my environment and the people I was with as if they forced me to inferiority, insecurity, limited and disempowered expressions. This was as far as I could see that day in Thailand, when I made the decision to jump into a relationship with him as for a glimpse of a moment, I saw 'joy' coming out of me which I mistakenly connected with him being my partner.

Why am I saying 'glimpse of a moment' - here, self-honesty must be looked at as well, and when I am placing myself in my own shoes - even with the mind joy that I was exposed to while we were still together, on the deeper level, there was always a part of me that was like almost dead inside as if there was no life force in me, real sorrow which I didn't understand until recently. I mean, really in self honesty, I knew.. I knew what I was doing to myself but I allowed and consciously choose the mind reality to take over, hoping that things will change and I would live happily ever after with him.

Back to the point - what I found was a very strong belief that I had no power to decide who I am and what I would like to create for myself in this physical reality; that I cannot stand as my own directive principle within the environments that I was in as my power to direct is dependent on another's approval of me. that was why I was always looking for different environments and from a very young age, I was working and saving money to travel the world by myself, hoping to find the people/places where I can express myself. But no matter where I go and what people I was with, I never expressed me, the real me and I never understood WHY.

See the thing is, there was always a part of me who knew that I have the potential to become that which I saw myself able to become; that which I wanted to become; but I felt that I was stopped and believed it was my environment that was holding me back;  so as long as I didn't live and express myself to my utmost potential and actually directed myself as how I saw me moving myself in my reality, the sorrow was sitting in the depth of my beingness as if I am locked in a prison but at the same time, having in the palm of my hands the keys to my freedom. Meaning, the sorrow was on a beingness level, in knowing that I am the one prisoning myself in my own mind, in my own body and believing that I do not have the power to create and direct myself and my environment according to who I am, who I want to be and express, yet, knowing that this belief isn't real and that I actually can. This is why the core sorrow always followed me throughout my whole life, even slightly today as I haven't fully really ever created and directed myself, never really fully investigated who I am and what is it that I would like to create for myself within the realm of self-honesty as the principles I committed myself to live as/by.

When dropping the belief that I am unable to decide who I am, I started understanding the design/signature of the program that this belief consists of where what starting to be more clear is the living application of the realization that no one can do anything for, to or as me and therefore, no one can pull me out of my own created mind-misery that I defined and placed myself at, but it is me who have to create and move myself and thus live to my utmost potential that I see existing in me.

Fortunately, there was once someone in my life who showed me my ability and strength to create myself for myself and in that, break through the prison's walls that I have built inside myself. As long as he was here, I didn't experience that deep sorrow as with him and what he stood for - he didn't accept anything less than living to your upmost potential and he stood as a constant reminder and support for many of us.

When this person died, I for a moment "forgot" what he had shown me and I fell again to the pattern of wanting someone else to pull me out of my prison and direct my reality for me. With his death, the sorrow emerged again and it took me awhile to "remember" that which he had shown me, my potential and my ability to support myself to live to my utmost potential as a living expression of myself.

This person stood as a living example of the potential that we can become but on many levels, I wasn't yet willing to stand on my own two feet and become my own directive principle. For a very long time I was sad and angry at him passing away before I stood as my own directive principle but if anything, I now realize more than ever that his death, was the best thing that he could have done for me, as it forced me to stand up, to become the potential that he had shown us.

The correction here is to realize and physically live the realization that - I am my own creator and who I am is based on who I create myself to be and become in every given moment, in consideration of the interdependency connection with everything that is here. Meaning, being your own creator, your own directive principle, doesn't mean that you are almighty god without any physical limitations. One must consider other people in one's reality, consider time and space, consider potential consequences and so forth, consider everything that is 'here'. This I will expand more in future blogs as I walk these points for myself.

To bring this blog series into completion, we have to understand that hope, sadness, sorrow, depression, joy, etc as experiences that we are facing, can only exists when one is not standing as one's directive principle, it can only exists when one is abdicating one's responsibility to stand, investigate in self-honesty, create and direct oneself in one's reality where one is no longer for example passive, in awaiting mode but one is actually active in moving and expressing oneself based on the physical reality that one is a part of.

We made relationships in our mind as something that is separate from ourselves without realizing that the core relationship is with ourselves first, where we develop our own directive principle from which we can expand and physically walk with another. Thus, it is time to invert relationships back to ourselves where our primary and core relationship is with ourselves and only then, we would find the truth of ourselves, our unique self expression that is a creation of ourselves as the decisions that we make for ourselves in every given moment. 

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Art work - The wild woman - www.pinterest.com

The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500

The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2014/12/the-relationship-between-hope-and_30.html

For context, please read my previous blog - The relationship between Hope and Depression (introduction) - Day 499

Within my investigation of the design of Depression and it's relationship to Hope, I have found two primary dimensions inside of myself - 

1. The belief that certain self-expressions that came out of me during the relationship can only be expressed within the same relationship structure.
2. Not wanting to face physical reality, self-responsibilities and self-honesty within the realization that primarily, the relationship was always on a mind level and not really on a physical level.

So what does it mean Mind Reality Vs. Physical Reality and what is its relationship to depression and hope?

The mind reality within the concept of relationship is when everything seems to be so good, it is the honeymoon phase where positive energy is the relationship's directive principle and this positive energy is sustain because everything feels so happy and good all of the time. It is when one believe that they found that which they were looking for and the partner they are walking with fits entirely with the profile of what one had wanted for oneself. It is when self-honesty doesn't yet existent and both are presenting only the parts of themselves that would attract the other partner, the good parts that will make the other partner want to be with them. It is the phase where one, for a moment, can let go of one's physical reality's responsibilities and indulge in an experience of 'falling in love', not really conceptualize that we are actually falling, falling into the deep realm of the mind and energy instead of creating a relationship that is based on real physical support and worth where the two are expanding and growing themselves with the support of the other.

During this phase, where the positive energy is very much in the front of the relationship, the partners start to project  all these ideas and thoughts and future plans onto each other, and the relationship is primarily build on a mind level fueled with a lot of positive energy that the partners keep generating with one another.

At some stage, the energy starts to fade away and the physical reality kicks in where one or both partners starting to question the relationship and really look practically at the relationship and the future of the relationship.

With me and the relationship that I was walking with another many years ago, I was stuck for a long time on the mind reality of the relationship while my partner started to come down to the physical reality, looking at what we have created and whether we could practically walk this life together in terms of where him and I was at. Practically, we were coming from two different worlds where he had ambitions that he wanted to follow through with and I were at a stage in my life where I did not see anything but us being together all of the time. So while I believed that we are absolutely synchronize within what we want to create for ourselves as a mind relationship, he was already starting to look at the practicality of things which was misaligned with the future plans that we have created while on Positive energy during the honeymoon phase. The problem here obviously was that he didn't know how to communicate these points with me so I was completely in the dark as to where he was at - his physical application and what he was looking at inside of him where not equal and one meaning - he continued participating with me on a mind level while being in conflict with himself and I had no idea that he was looking at all of these things until it was already too late.

When I started coming down of the mind reality and looked at what is it that I wanted for myself and what is it that I will accept and allow and what will I not, I stood up when I saw misalignment with him making a decision that I saw as disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me. Though, while he was in the physical reality for quite some time and I only started coming back, in the first moment I showed dissatisfaction from where we were at, he used this window of opportunity to give up on the relationship and end it, justifying that I need and deserve more than what he was able to give me. Though, I wasn't yet completely in the physical reality and was not ready to give up on the mind reality and therefore, couldn't accept the end of the relationship as within me, for the most part, everything between us was still super awesome except of this one small misalignment that we need to look at and walk solutions.

So in being primarily in the mind relationship reality, I was consistently bouncing back to everything that was good with the relationship, holding on to these memories and moments within the positive energy, believing that that was real, that it was the potential of the relationship that I still wanted to live and experience. While the mind reality no longer met the physical reality as we were already not walking a relationship together, I still believed the mind reality more which is where the 'hope' dimension came in, trying to get ourselves back to the mind reality relationship where I used to feel happy and satisfied. I couldn't understand why the mind reality isn't manifesting in the physical reality and within that, couldn't let go of the mind reality that I was busy creating for months. Meaning, in my mind reality, the relationship that we walked was real, the future projection that we planned for ourselves was real, the life that we planned to create for ourselves was real and within that, the hope that everything will go back to where it was, was very much real.

I couldn't understand what happened and why we were no longer together because I experienced all these feelings that I believed to be real and mutual, not understanding that all of that just happened in our minds which is why I couldn't let go of the hope that one day, somehow, we will be together again.

Within that process of hope, I went into a vicious cycle that lasted for years where in the mind I believed that the relationship was real and was hoping for a second chance and every time the physical reality didn't meet with the mind reality, I went into depression and as I was in depression, the mind reality kicked in again as hope, that led to depression and so on.

What did I learn about myself over the years of walking process - the honeymoon phase consists of many layers of programming on all levels of the mind and if I am not aware of the programming that are involved, I will follow through the preprogram design and fall into the energy that it consists of. I made the same mistake again recently where I went into the mind reality too fast too soon but this time, I was aware of what I was doing but consciously choosing to indulge in this energy that I haven't experienced for years. Though, what I haven't done to support myself was to ground myself while walking through these preprograming designs to ensure that I remain here, stable, consistent in my living application as who I am, what I stand for and what is it that I self honestly want to create for myself. Within that, I lost ground with myself and the physical reality instead of preparing myself to when the partner is coming down of his mind reality which is when we can actually start walking a relationship together that is based on real physical and practical principles.

So when the partner came down of his mind reality, I wasn't ready and prepared and I tried to keep for just one more moment the mind reality. Then, when I finally was willing to face the physical reality and take responsibility for the mind reality that I was busy creating, the partner wasn't in alignment with where I was at in wanting to start over and walk the relationship properly which was when I saw myself going into the hope dimension all over again.

Only that this time, it was unacceptable for me as I knew where this hope will take me and I understood what this hope design was all about. Within that I could see in self honesty that in essence, we actually didn't walked a relationship with one another, we walked a mind relationship with ourselves, superimposing the relationship onto another and thus, we could not really start over as there was no real and solid foundation to move from.

This doesn't take the fact that every so often, the mind comes up and bring the hope dimension based on the mind reality memories and experiences that we shared for a moment - this is where self-honesty is my directive principle where I support myself to ground myself in the physical reality, seeing things for what it really is and stop immediately my participation with hope.

It is important to not judge oneself when 'hope' comes up as feelings, emotions or thoughts - understand that while being in the mind reality, a lot of energy was used and for the energy to absolutely stop, it will take some physical moments for me to completely stop participation until the energy fades away. I am actually grateful for the experiences even though it is not easy ones to walk as there are a lot of programming that are coming out for me to face. Though - I learned a lot about my own programming and how to support and ground myself to be able to create effective relationships with myself primarily and with another as well.

So if you are willing to learn from my mistakes, when you meet someone, make sure you are still grounded inside yourself and in touch with the physical reality. It is ok to allow yourself to experience the initial phase of the honeymoon though you must be aware of that which you are participating with and prepare yourself and your partner to when the honeymoon phase is over and the real relationship creation and development starts when both partners come down of the mind reality, back into the physical reality.

In the next blog, I will be focusing on self expression and the belief that certain self expressions can only be expressed with a specific partner and how this belief is actually the attempt of the hope energy to continue existing in the mind reality.

---

David Smith Artwork 'Woman reflecting focus', 2013. Acrylic Painting. Glamor.

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 5) - Day 479

In this blog post, I will continue sharing the story of how and why I had realized that everyone has a potential including myself and how this realization assisted me in changing the course of my life where I am able to walk as a living principle to my utmost potential. Thus, for the context, please read through the previous blog posts:

The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle - Day 474

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 1) - Day 475

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 2) - Day 476

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 3) - Day 477

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 4) - Day 478

 

" So, if anything, the potential was and is already 'here' - I have the potential to change myself, I have the potential to forgive myself, I have the potential to fine tune my living application.

 

In my next blog post, I will share how I am assisting and supporting myself to change from seeing points as an absolute to realizing the potential and the process/direction that I have to walk to develop and perfect the potentials that I am able to see in myself."

 

Since I started my process, what was evident is the potential to change whereas, I am not bound to what I previously 'believed' or 'felt' or been 'emotional' about, I am not bound to continue my relationship with others as how I conditioned myself to live by over the years - I am able to take responsibility for what is going on inside myself and accordingly change my relationship to my outer world through firstly apply self forgiveness in self honesty and thereafter change my living application as how I have decided to live by.

 

Within this blog, I will share how I have changed (and still busy changing) my relationship to friendship-relationships and within that, how I am assisting and supporting myself to align my relationship with my friends to a relationship that is worthwhile.

 

When any relationship starts, mostly I find that there is a 'lovey dovey' time period whether it is relationship with a male or relationship with new friends. Initially, we would portray ourselves in specific ways, only sharing and revealing the 'good' parts of ourselves while the 'bad' parts remain hidden. Although, as time pass by, past patterns start playing a role  and the relationship is no longer 'lovey dovey' as frictions and conflicts are becoming more evident. In the past, when the friendship-relationship shifted from the 'positive' to the 'negative' I would start isolating myself from the relationship and slowly remove myself completely from the equation. I would then repeat the same cycle with either new friends or with old friends that I haven't spoken with for years.

 

Over the years, I became more conservative when it comes to starting a friendship-relationship with another human being - on some levels, I knew that I would end up in the same place I always had so it was like "why even bother" type of thing. From there, I isolated myself more and more to a point where I disengaged from any social circle as I didn't want the responsibility that comes with allowing someone in my life (the self-responsibility of turning any slight reaction that was triggered by another, to myself, and investigate who I am in relation to the reaction and accordingly change myself). Obviously, from having so many people in my life to having none, I didn't feel lacking - if anything, I felt 'good' because I had zero frictions in my life that I had to sort out - I could give myself 100% attention without having to justify anything to anyone. In other words, I could remain enslaved to my own mind without having external triggers that would support me to see who I am as the mind and how I can align my living application accordingly.

 

I used to defined these frictions/reactions triggered by another being as a hassle but today I see these reactions as gifts, as a potential to change because how the hell would I see the misalignment inside myself if the reactions would have remained suppressed/hidden? 

 

So, with my process of isolating myself from my external reality, every now and then I would bring someone into my life, for just a moment - I call this game 'energy fix' because that was exactly what it was - I would start a relationship with a person and very fast I moved myself through the 'drama' part of the relationship. Unconsciously I was preparing my way to end the relationship so that I could go back to my cave (comfort zone) and ignore the outer reality and within that justify to myself "but I tried - it is not me - it is them".

 

A year an a half ago, I was faced with a life changing decision where I could either go out there to the world and continue my isolated life or to remain where I was at that time. Initially, I decided to leave and explore the world of isolation again but fortunately there was a glimpse of a moment (I remember this moment very vividly) where I looked around and saw the people in my reality, I looked at them, at who they are and in that moment I saw the potential that exists with my decision to stay - I was ready to gift myself the opportunity to connect with other people again - for the first time in my life I saw the potential of who I am able to become within developing relationships with people that are actually worth while. Relationships that are based on support to one another where we assist each other to grow and expand ourselves. Relationships were I am able to develop self-intimacy with myself and with others on a communication level; relationships where it is clear to all participants that when a friction/conflict comes up, we do not ignore, we do not judge - we assist and support each other to see the misalignment and do the necessary correction within ourselves and our relationships.

 

Obviously the road ahead wasn't always easy and still isn't easy from time to time. There were many moments where I went into the old pattern of wanting to isolate myself to not having to deal with people. There was one person who introduced me to what a potential actually mean, not as an absolute point but as a point of self-development. They looked at me and told me something in those lines: "there is a gift waiting for you in the relationship. You wouldn't have dealt with your inner reactions without that person triggering these reactions from inside you. So for a moment, sit tight and walk your process - sort out yourself and soon enough the relationship will sort itself out as you change yourself and your relationship to the other being".

 

And this person was right and I am grateful for taking their advice - I worked and still working on my relationship with people and slowly developing a level of intimacy within each friendship-relationship that I am walking with another. What I also took from this moment was seeing the gift/potential in any single reaction that I have towards anything or anyone - the opportunity to really have a deep look inside myself until I find the misalignments that I am able to change which from there I continue walking until the next misalignment present itself.

I do not allow myself to go into the pattern of isolation and I am now busy integrating the correction within the relationship with other people in my life whereas, when a friction/conflict comes up - I do not run away from it, I will check myself, I will sort out myself and I will communicate the point with the other to find a resolution that is supporting for us. Thus, in practicality, seeing the potential in myself in relation to other people isn't something that can be clearly define before it manifest - it is something that I can indefinably see that if I allow myself to develop and perfect the relationship with myself and another, we will empower, expand and grow ourselves to become our utmost potential.

 

Art work: Found on media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com

 

 

Emotional Attachment and Physical connection (Part 5) - Day 464

When I started walking the blog series - "Emotional Attachment and Physical connection", I had no idea that what would emerge from this blog series would be an introspection of relationships as a whole. The more I investigate the point, the more I expose myself to what relationship actually is and how relationships are currently lived. In my last blog, I asked myself - 

 

"is it that we fear losing the other being, or is it that we fear losing the Positive Energy Experience? Is it that our relationships to others is based on the type of energy we can draw from them or is it a relationship that is based on a physical connection, where we are able to share and express ourselves with one another?"

 

It is interesting because the reasons why it was relatively "easy" (for a lack of a better word) from the sense of not experiencing so much resistance to open up these points within myself, was due to the starting point being to investigate the reaction towards an animal being sick as oppose to a human being sick. The reason being - the Value we give to a Human in our mind is for the most part greater than the value we give to an Animal (Which is another blog by itself) and so, the resistance to open up the point if it was a human, most likely to be far more intense as oppose to the resistance being in relation to an animal.

 

Obviously this point is extensive as I now see that I require to investigate each and every relationship that I have ever had or still have with individuals. For instance, what I have started doing is to bring the relationship with all its memories here, and see who I am in the relationship to this individual and the memories and then, in side myself I imagine that the being is gone for some reason, and I assess who I am then, when they are no longer in my reality - what energy moves inside myself, what thoughts comes up and so on. Then, I bring everything back here, see again what moves inside myself. This is how I assist and support myself in identifying the Emotional Attachment and Name the Specific Energy that is the starting point of that relationship.

 

Next what I will be doing is assisting and supporting myself to Transform the energy connection to a physical connection where I am able to express/share myself with others as a living physical expression of myself whereas, their presence or absence  in my reality is not dependent on Who I AM as a living expression.

 

So it is going to be an interesting point to walk through, first with myself and then as a physical correction - will share more as I move ahead..

 

 

Emotional Attachment and Physical connection (Part 3) - Day 462

In the Previous Blog, I started walking the investigation process in relation to a reaction that I had within myself when I heard that one of the dogs in my house is sick. It is Fascinating how one single and small reaction opens up a lot within oneself. So if you haven't already, I suggest first reading the first 2 blogs:

Emotional Attachment and Physical connection (Part 1) - Day 460

Emotional Attachment and Physical connection (Part 2) - Day 461

 

Within this blog, I will expand the paragraph from the second blog:

"The other dimension where the pack is standing as a stability point in my life - again, it is not THE dimension that I am working with here because I left them so many times and I was stable within myself and thus, I came to the conclusion that feeling of "I'm never alone" is a mind trick that I used to suppress the real issue that I haven't seen yet."

 

Here, I want to explain what does it means that the mind played tricks on me and what was the purpose of such a "trick".

 

To understand this point, it is best if you also read through the blogs series where I shared about my relationship with Yalda:

My Dog as my Comfort Zone - Day 251

My Relationship with My Dog Continue - Day 253

My Relationship with my Dog - Self Forgiveness - Day 254

Pets as a reflection of Self Intimacy - Day 252

 

If you read these blogs, you would see how my relationship with Yalda was based on ONE element that I wasn't able to give to myself at that time, which was the 'Not Feeling Alone' experience that I placed Yalda, to stand as/for me. Meaning, instead of assisting and supporting myself to stand alone within stability, I shifted the responsibility towards my dog so that she could stand as that point for me.

 

With Yalda no longer being part of my direct environment when I moved to the farm, initially, I replaced the experience that Yalda gave me of 'not feeling alone' with the pack of dogs that we have on the farm. Why the whole pack? Because I didn't want to form a relationship with a dog because I didn't know how long will I stay on the farm and I didn't want to experience again the emotional experience when leaving another dog behind.

So, as a pack, it is not so personal in comparison to a one on one relationship with one dog so I just placed all of them together within myself so that I will never feel alone and that was until Babitjie came into my life and "forced" me to get over my shit and to allow myself to connect again to another being. At the same time, it was when I was already in a process of walking the correction of standing alone regardless of who is or isn't in my environment as a point of self trust.

 

The interesting thing that opened up in relation to the statement that the mind played tricks on me - here the mind used past association that I've created in my mind in relation to the experience of not feeling alone = the pack even though the association doesn't exist anymore as an expression of myself. Thus, when I started looking at my reaction to Gracie being sick, this point came up as if it is the primary point I must look at in my relationship to Gracie in how for instance, Gracie's presence fulfil the experience of not feeling alone however, if I would to stop investigating there, I would have missed THE dimension of what animals give me that I'm not able to give to myself.

 

Here again, we have to understand how the mind works - even though I no longer associate animals to the feeling of 'not being alone' experience - when the association between Gracie/Yalda/Pack = 'not feeling alone' came up, it "felt" as if this is the point that I was working with which is exactly how suppression manifest when  the primary point doesn't reveal itself and yet, I was for a moment, under the impression that THIS IS the point. When one is under the impression that one had found the point one was working with, one would normally not push oneself to discover more dimensions within oneself within one's process of change.

 

So, when I investigate points within myself, I would always cross reference myself. What I normally do is bringing the trigger point that activate the reaction 'here' and then I assess my physical body, to see whether there is or isn't any energetic movement within myself. The principle is - if in self honesty nothing moves within myself, than I'm satisfied that the point is clear but if there is a movement inside myself, even the slightest movement, I will continue checking and investigating the point within myself and when I'm done, I would again bring the moment here and assess any energy movement throughout my body. In cases where the movement is undefined, I would also cross reference the points with others to see if they see something that I haven't seen.

 

With the Gracie point, it was undefined movement and so, I went to speak with Sunette and what she explained, opened up an interesting point which I will share in the next blog.

 

Comparison and Limitation of Self (The Solution) - Day 447

In the previous blog we were looking at a scenario of reacting, either internally or externally, to a decision that we have made, in comparison to a decision that another had made.

We have identified that the reactions is coming from a point of comparison that had led to a judgment that we have created towards ourselves and/or another. We also identified that the reaction indicates that there is unresolved issue within ourselves in relationship to the decision we originally made as for instance, to stand in a certain position within the world system.

 

Within this blog, we would have a look at solutions for when/as we react to another's decision in comparison to a decision we have made within ourselves to that we can transform the reaction to a point of empowerment and support for self and others.

 

Here it is fundamentally important to realize that a Judgment is all about misunderstanding and/or miscommunication.

I mean, when/as we compare another's decision to a decision that we have made previously inside ourselves, and we then judge another, either positively or negatively, we are basing the comparison and the judgment upon database of information that we carry within ourselves without any consideration of placing ourselves in the shoes of another, walking with another, but rather, placing ourselves in separation of another.

What is also imperative to realize here is that Judgment IS a reaction and as such, it is firstly to look and investigate self before projecting the judgment onto another.

So thus, the solution is within communication. Why? - Firstly, we reacted. That means that there is unresolved point within ourselves that we haven't yet investigated/considered/understood before. Now, communication can be either with oneself, within the point of self writing in assisting and supporting self to look at the dimensions one had previously missed. Secondly, within the realization that a judgment is equal to lack of understanding, it is suggested to communicate with the other, ask questions, really being 'here' and allow oneself to unconditionally Listen to the other as the other may considered point that we haven't considered before, that could be valid for our own individual process.

 

You see, we cannot compare another's decision to a decision we made within ourselves without having all the information because what is normally comes up in one's mind is a projection of the doubts/fears/uncertainties that we have in relation to the decision. Here, it is no longer about another's decision; it is about ourselves, about who we are in any given moment and if we are not stable within the decision that we have made, it is our responsibility to find out why is it that we haven't yet allocated our stability - what is it that we have missed, what is the nature of the doubt/insecurity/fear that we suppressed within ourselves.

 

So - if and when you make a decision, you want to be clear within yourself so that nothing is moving inside yourself in relation to a decision. Again, this is a point of self honesty. A suggestion here is to - when making any decision, to look at all the scenarios that the decision may lead you - you want to stand absolute in any of these scenarios. You will find that you'll have specific preference in how you envision the outflow of your decisions however, you must stand clear and stable if the outflow would not be in alignment to your preferences.

Then, walk your self forgiveness process to ensure that there no more doubts/fears/insecurities that would influence you later down the line and from there, move to your commitment statements to  write the path before you wherein you'll remain stable no matter what would come in your way.

Dependency, Independency, Interdependency and Gratefulness - Day 442

This is a continuation to my previous blog - Gratefulness as a living word - Day 441 where I discussed the word 'grateful' as how we currently live the word as a living expression of ourselves.

Within this blog, I will have a look at the 'Sounding' of the word 'Gratefulness' as a step to see what 'Gratefulness' as a Principle of Oneness and Equality, as an absolute living expression of ourselves really is.

 

Sounding of the word Gratefulness: Grate-Full-Ness.

Grate:  to reduce to small shreds by rubbing against a rough or sharp perforated surface | To annoy.

Full: Complete; entire

Ness: indicating state, condition, or quality.

 

In the way the word 'Gratefulness' is currently spelled - it is how we are currently living the word 'gratefulness' as a living expression of ourselves wherein, we are walking as grated (separated) human beings that moves in Fulfillment of our own self-interested (state/condition). If you read my previous blog you would see how within the context of the sounding of the word, there is alignment in how we currently live the word 'gratefulness'.

 

The fascinating thing is that in the sounding of the word, lies a gift, a potential: Great-Full-Ness.

Let me explain the difference:

 

What we haven't yet understood is that at the moment, we live the word 'Gratefulness' in a narrow and limited expression where our gratefulness is dependent on another giving us benefits or rewards while Independency in relation to gratefulness seldom exists within oneself. 'Gratefulness' as a living word is unconditional to whomsoever is rewarding us in some way or another because within that, what we have missed is the Dependency, Independency and Interdependency within our relationships with ourselves and others. Thus to understand 'Gratefulness', we must first understand the relationship between   Dependency, Independency and Interdependency as within this relationship the word 'Gratefulness' as a living expression actually exists.

 

So, we will get to the sounding of the word 'Gratefulness' in a moment - first let's define in a nutshell what  Dependency, Independency and Interdependency is:

 

Independency - How one walk one's process alone because essentially, each one is alone within one's own mind, in what we accept and allow within ourselves. Gratefulness within that context would be one's gratefulness towards oneself for assisting and supporting self in any given moment in stepping out of one's mind and stepping into a physical correction in one's living application within the principle of Oneness and Equality. In other words, Gratefulness is linked/conditioned to a principle of Oneness and Equality rather than any specific rewards and/or benefits we get from something or someone as a point of self interest.

 

Dependency - How we are dependent on another within our own independent processes in terms of the other standing as the catalyst, the trigger that activates a point within ourselves that we must correct and align for/as ourselves. From that perspective, this is mostly where frictions and conflicts occur within our relationships to others but the problem is that we tend to take the other personally and perpetuate the conflict/friction with another instead of being grateful for the window of opportunity that had opened up in the friction/conflict when one is taking responsibility for one's independent process and accordingly face the point, investigate, align and correct within oneself.

 

Interdependency - How we then communicate and share with others our Independent process. Here interdependent process contain 2 fundamental dimensions:

1. In one's relationships to others in their direct environment: As was explained in the 'Dependent' Process where the other is standing as the catalyst/trigger for one's own independent process - sharing and discussing the points with the other from the starting point of taking self responsibility for one's participation in one's reaction/conflict/friction would assist and support the individuals in their relationship with one another in empowering and strengthening one another in one's independent process.
2. In one's relationship to others in the world: As one walk one's independent and dependent process and accordingly share one's realizations, solutions and practical physical consideration through the media of the global mind (internet), one is assisting and supporting others in the world in their independent process.

Here, Gratefulness exists within the opportunity we each have to assist and support ourselves in our independent process through the examples the others are sharing as this gives us the opportunity to investigate the point for ourselves and if necessary align, correct and change.

 

Will continue in my next blog

 

 

 

 

Voice Tonality - Sharpness - Day 434

Continuing with the blog series - Voice Tonality.

If you haven't already, please also read:

Manipulation and voice tonality - Day 423

Inferiority and voice tonality - Day 422

Reacting to Voice Tonality - Day 421

Voice Tonality - Impatience - Day 427

 

Within this blog, I will explore the point of reacting to someone's sharpness voice tonality, as I've recently became aware of my tendency to react to this voice tonality in a very fascinating way.

The story was as follows - A few days ago, we had a discussion and someone was expressing themselves in a way that I've defined to be edgy towards myself and others in the environment. Edgy voice tonality can also be interpreted as a very sharp voice tonality.

 

So within myself, there was a very slight reaction which I didn't immediately saw or experienced; mainly because it wasn't specifically towards me alone but to everyone in the discussion so in my mind, I abdicated my responsibility to investigating whether or not I was reacting in that moment and rationalized the event to be 'their' point - not mine.

 

The next day, I experienced depression within myself - I wanted to sleep most of the day, I didn't know what was going on inside me because I couldn't pinpoint the experience. I spent most of the day in a state of sickness almost, physically tired and weak, not realizing that these manifestation is the ground I used to excuse myself from the physical reality and isolated myself. Every time the being was in my environment, I felt uncomfortable within myself, felt restless and wanted the being to go away and the best way I could avoid facing the being was to isolate myself in my room.

Finally I have realized that my behavior and physical manifestation is unacceptable and I decided to investigate the point and see what's going on inside myself and this is the fascinating point that I mentioned earlier - in terms of my experience within myself towards the other being, I experienced the sharp voice tonality as a knife that tear apart the relationship between us as an idea that I've created within myself; as if the relationship was sliced/cut in that moment and everything I have build up and developed with that person was gone; Thus, with that being going on in my inner reality, I unconsciously created my external reality to be in alignment to what I have experienced inside myself by isolating myself from the being. Furthermore, the depression was due the idea of the relationship being cut down into 2 pieces where I stand on the one end and the other is standing on the other end.

 

When I realized what I have done both internally and externally, there was immediate release within myself. I applied SF and directly moved into the correction where I went to the other being, gave them a big hug and shared with the being what I was facing/experiencing within myself.

So here again, reacting to a voice tonality is a gift for one to explore and investigate one's reaction towards another and most importantly, to get to know a part of self that one haven't seen before - for most part, once one walk through the reaction into a correction, one relationship with another actually becomes more enjoyable as one is able to spend time with the other and communicate with each other without having all sorts of reactions coming up from 'no where'.

Manipulation - The art of Control (Part 2) - Day 419

A comment I received on my previous blog:

 

I do not see the point of manipulation and control in saying: "Where do you want to park the car? It's just a question to coordinate the intentions of you both.

I see manipulation and control rather in the pushy way of saying: "please park in the under parking because…"

 

Perspective:

 

What I have shared yesterday was the point I've seen within and as myself in that specific moment where I had a specific agenda of where to park and I wasn't direct about it within the way I structured the question. My starting point was not to coordinate the intentions of us both, my starting point was to control the event to suite a desirable outcome that I've have schemed in my mind without sharing my intention with another.

 

The manipulation is from the perspective of - I knew specifically where I wanted to park when I asked her where she planned to park and I didn't want her to give me an answer that won't suite my desirable outcome so I continued with the manipulation by using specific voice tonality when I said that I need to buy a fabric softener because I knew that she will calculate the route and see that the underground parking is the best place to park. In neither of these 2 statements was I direct and said - 'in terms of what we need to do in the mall, it is best to park in the underground parking" but I rather structured my statements/questions in a way that indirectly the outcome would be what I wanted it to be.

 

The point you brought up of  "coordinate the intention of both" is a cool solution of moving from Controlling and event  to mutual agreement, and that is done by being direct with one another from the starting point of really considering each other, considering what each have to say and accordingly, both make a decision that is best for both.

 

So remember, this is an example that I've seen myself participating with and I see it more and more within how I'm communicating with others. I see it in movies, in the media, as well as memories that came up of past relationships and friendships - I was never direct in my communication and I always used manipulation to get what I wanted.

 

For myself, I was taught as child to not be direct in communication with others because seemingly, being direct is rude in our culture. As a derivative, I was basically indirectly  taught to manipulate from the perspective of learning to get what I wanted by not being direct about it.

If one would look in self-honesty and investigate the point, one would find that in many cases where we ask for instance:  "Would you mind…"; "What would you prefer?"; "What do you want?"; "I don't care, what ever you decide" -  in our secret mind we know exactly what we want, we want a specific outcome but we don't want others to think that we have a secret agenda because they might judge us or disagree with us and so we first 'test the water' so to speak, assess the dynamic and then decide how to approach the point to get to our desirable outcome.

It is rarely that we are asking these question from a genuine starting point where we consider the other before we consider ourselves and/or when we genuinely don't have a specific preference our a specific outcome in mind. It is seldom that we don't have a specific agenda that we will either push or let it go, dependent on the other response to our indirect question and the nature of our relationships with another and who we are within that relationship.

 

So yes, I agree - looking at the specific example that I shared - a practical correction would be to speak directly and share my intention to coordinate it with the other intentions and accordingly, both walk the practical application of what is best for both in that specific moment.

Can a Break-up be Controlled?–Day 417

Within this blog series, we are walking through the multiple dimensions of  the word 'Control' in how, without awareness, we direct our lives within the starting point of Control.
In the last blog post, we had a look at how through the fear of consequences as an experience of powerlessness, we try to control the outcome as an energy reaction, instead of applying basic common sense by supporting ourselves and others, so that we can self-honestly walk a correction process within the principle of 'Prevention is the best Cure'.

 

Within this blog, we will look at an example of relationship control, to see, realize and understand that as long as we move ourselves from the starting point of fear where we try to control the undesirable outcome, we are in fact limit and compromise ourselves as a living expression:

 

So imagine that you were in a relationship and your partner left you for another. The physical event is that the break-up is absolute, there is no way to return the wheel so to speak, there is no way you can get together again with your ex-partner, it's done, the relationship is over.

 

Now, this is obviously not the outcome we expected, and the event is not controllable from the perspective of we really cannot do anything to change the outcome. So we react, and become depressed, sad, frustrated or hateful and yet, hold onto hope that maybe, just maybe, the outcome would change lol.

The nature of the 'Hope' within that context would be the energy through which within ourselves, we want to control the outcome (change the outcome) because in our mind, we have created alternate reality with our partner, separate from ourselves and our partner and now the physical reality no longer support our illusionary reality that we so want to control.

Some will try to manipulate to achieve the desirable outcome by convincing themselves that they must get their partner back. Others would jump to the next relationship within the attempt to re-live the alternate reality they have created in their mind by replacing the picture of the ex partner with a new partner.

Some will give up on relationships overall because in their mind - if they can't be with the ex partner, they cannot be with any partner.

 

What none of us normally do is for a moment STOP, investigate and learn something about ourselves; see how can we expand ourselves and learn from the relationship, from ourselves within the relationship; questioning the alternate reality as a relationship we created in our minds; assessing whether the relationship was effective and supportive, what must we correct within ourselves to establish an effective relationship in the future; to investigate the Fears behind our want/need/desire to control the outcome of the relationship; why is it that we are so afraid to be alone; there is so much one can investigate and learn from one's past relationships if one will oneself to actually assist and support oneself.

 

The interesting this is that no one actually realize that with the relationship being done, a new window of opportunity opens where we can practically apply the necessary correction within oneself and thus, be able to establish a relationship that is based on agreement to assist and support oneself and each other to grow, expand and empower one another. So, within our desire to control just one specific outcome, we do not see how we limit and sabotage ourselves in walking just one desire outcome without even seeing that there is much out there that we haven't considered within and as ourselves. 

 

What we must become aware of is that as long as we desire to control the outcome of our next relationship, once we accept that the previous one is done is that we will change and mold ourselves to a personality that fits with a desirable outcome where we could have a sustainable / long term relationship. Here, what one is not seeing, realizing and understanding is that within the desire to control undesired outcomes, for instance, breaking up, one is willing to compromise and limit oneself to such an extent where one would completely change oneself and disregard one's value system, for the sake of having the desirable outcome of a relationship, as an idea that one had created in one's mind.

The fear of breaking up/being alone will be the directive principle of one's relationship and thus, to control the fear, one would "play the game" even if playing the game isn't what is best for oneself or for the other within the relationship.

 

This is an extreme example to show you what are we missing so long as we tie ourselves to only one expected/desirable outcome. Who knows how many opportunities to learn, expand and grow ourselves we disregarded because our desire to control the outcome which created a smoke screen upon the physical reality that blinded us from seeing what was here all along.

 

More in my next blog