The Layers of our Minds - Day 178

This is a continuation to:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Commitments - Day 177

 

So, I'm continuing investigating the dimensions within the relationship of Headache and Menstruation that I've created within and as myself throughout my life and through walking the dimensions/layers within it, I've realized a fascinating point that I would like to share about today.

 

Also, for more context, I suggest listening to:

Reptilians - Thought and Thinking - a Deliberate Creation of Control - Part 105

Reptilians - Thinking as Mind vs. Direct Seeing with the Physical - Part 106

 

When working with Pain that was created through an accumulation of memories, thoughts, ideas, opinions etc. that were accepted and allowed within one's life, one would see the various dimensions/layers of the mind that slowly but surely starts to reveal themselves once a layer was removed in self honesty.

 

Within that context, I was looking at the differences between Meditation and quieting the mind and Stopping the mind as an act of self movement/direction, in self honesty.

What I've realized yesterday for myself was why and how when silencing the mind through meditation, it's nothing but creating another dimension, a silent dimension within one's mind with no actual and practical change but rather, suppressing the thought/pattern/personality/character and creating a new one and that is in comparison to stopping the mind as an act of self directiveness/movement that one is practically and physically taking responsibility for.

 

When I was practicing Spirituality and within that, practicing Meditation to silent my mind, I never investigated the nature of the thoughts, the consequences of suppressing the thought but simply ignored them as if they never existed however, within that, never seen, realized and understood the physical manifestation of the thoughts in and as the human physical body and how through suppressing the thought by ignoring it, we do not in fact removing/deleting the thought from the flesh of the body and therefor, there is no physical and practical change within oneself and one's living application but rather, one would create and manifest another character that would be so powerful in terms of suppressing other characters that self had accepted and allowed self to create and participate within and as oneself and one's world.

 

Stopping the mind, as a practical, physical self directive principle, is a total different story.

For a moment I was confused within and as myself regarding - what is the difference between deleting a thought and suppressing a thought through Meditation. For me, the outcome seems to be the same - in both cases, the thought is gone. What I haven't considered within this question, as mentioning previously is the physical aspect as well as self responsibility within and as the act of removing/deleting a thought vs. suppressing a thought in meditation.

 

The point that I was specifically looking at was - how can I make sure that I have actually deleted the thought and I'm not fucking with myself again, as I've done as a spiritual. How can I make sure that I in fact stopped the thought and not just ignore/suppress it. the answer that I've found within and as myself was very simplistic - if the thought comes back again, I haven't in fact deleted it and what I've actually done was creating another dimension and manifested a time loop that would take me to the same place where I've initially wasn't honest with myself when stopping the thought. Also - a practical consideration is to - not accept and allow self to simply delete the thought, create a character of: I'm so good, I deleted the thought yopi hey hey hey and rather, take a moment and write the point out, see whether something was missed and whether one is in fact clear and stable within one self.

 

So, Deleting a thought or removing a memory through Self Forgiveness doesn't end there. All we have done was removing ONE layer, ONE dimension and ONE thought so that we could assist and support ourselves in seeing the next layer/dimension/thought so that we can walk through the next layer/dimension/thought and so on.

While in meditation, let's say that I've ignored the thought. Cool, for a moment the thought isn't there. What now? A time loop. Why?? Because I could have stand up and take responsibility for myself in investigating the nature of the thought and the core point of my acceptance and allowance of its existence and within that, walking through the layers of the mind and clear the entire network that is interconnected with this one thought. 

 

And so, in terms of practicality - once removing one thought, we can either take a moment and investigate the next layer/dimension or if in our day to day living responsibility we don't have this moment of self investigating, we can simply wait until the next layer would reveal itself within the realization that we cannot avoid it, it will appear/reveal itself in some way or another and in that realization, we are honest with ourselves within the starting point of: ok, I've seen one layer, there are much more that I've not yet seen, I'm making the commitment that when and as the moment is here and the next layer/dimension would reveal itself, I will stand up, take responsibility and sort it out. And so, we do not create another dimension of: "I walked and am now done with the point" but instead, being humble with and as ourselves, walking one step at a time, one breath at a time, and how long it will take is irrelevant as we trust ourselves to clear ourselves in every single breath, trough consistent application that is trustworthy, exactly as Breath is consistent and trustworthy.

 

So, back to the Menstruation and Pain - another dimension/layer/though/memory had reveal itself through the emergence of headache which "forced" me to have a look again what memory I haven't yet looked at within the relationship of headache and Menstruation.

Want to know what it was?? Stay tuned till tomorrow.

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Commitments - Day 177

 

 

This is a continuation to:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

 

I commit myself to Disconnect the Attachment/association/definitions that I've manifested within and as my mind regarding the relationship between headache and Menstruation as I see, realize and understand that accepting and allowing the associations/definition/association/connection between headache and Menstruation is to accept and allow the abuse and sabotage of myself through literally manifesting pain through the belief that pain and Menstruation comes together. Thus, When and as I see a thought in a nature of the relationship between pain and menstruation, I stop, I breathe, I DETLET the thoughts as I now see, realize and understand why and how I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought in separation of me which is no longer acceptable.

 

I commit myself to walk my Responsibilities within breath by breath living application as and within the principle of what is best for all and within that, to not accept and allow myself to excuse myself from my responsibilities through creating pain within and as me and to assess within self honesty when and how much rest my body is required to function in its utmost potential.

 

I commit myself to include in my  weekly schedule moments for self indulgent and to unconditionally be OK with taking these moments for myself without feeling guilty about it because, I see, realize and understand that I've previously took these moments but within guilt, I manifest pain so that I could justify the moment of indulgent through the excuse that my body is in pain and require a rest.

 

I commit myself to further investigate the Righteousness Character within and as me through a process of writing, self forgiveness and practical self change through standing in alignment with my commitments that I'm putting forth to myself.

I commit myself to Delete all Memories regarding Women with Menstruation pain as I'm now seeing, realizing and understanding that I've used these memory to manipulate and abuse my human physical body through utilizing these memories as an excuse to excuse myself from my day to day living responsibility for one day in a month. In this, Note - what I'm saying here is that some women are in fact having serious Menstruation pain once a month and that is their process to walk but it is not the case with me so it is not that all women are like me, utilize the pain as an excuse so please, do not make a judgement upon Menstruation pain through reading this blog.

 

I commit myself to STOP manipulating others through the experience of having to feel sorry for myself within the desire of them validating me as the pain and excusing me from my responsibilities. In this, I commit myself to investigate and explore where else in my life I've utilize the 'Feel sorry for me' character in alignment of my own self interest Desires for a specific experiences.

 

I commit myself to delete the values I've assigned to my day to day living responsibilities and to then thus, walk what ever is required to be done, breath by breath at my utmost potential, capability and ability, in self honesty.

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

This is a continuation to:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect/attach/define/associate Menstruation with Headache, not seeing, realize and understanding that within that connection/attachment/definition/association, I've accepted and allowed the belief that Headache must manifest once a month and within that not seeing, realizing and understanding that it was always me, the one who gave myself the permission to create and manifest the pain, in separation of me and therefor, experience the pain once a month.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire for an excuse to release myself from my day to day Living Responsibilities within having a monthly pain to shut me out and in that, having to accept and allow myself to create and manifest pain within and as my human physical body to have a legitimate excuse that would be accepted by society and therefor, I won't be judge for taking a time off from my responsibilities.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged for not standing within and as my day to day living responsibilities and within that, had defined 'time off' as indulgent, pleasure, entertainment as something that is invalid, that I cannot have as it is not part of my responsibilities and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself as my human physical body through having creating and manifesting a monthly pain to be utilize as an excuse to rest, indulge and entertain myself in bed while others will keep up with my responsibilities.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to include Indulgent and pleasure moments in my day to day living responsibility because I've defined it as a waste of precious time that can be utilized in moving forwards towards a world that is best for all, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within that definition, what I was really doing is trying to impose myself as the righteousness character, and in that, be more than others that are "not as devoted as me". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define Indulgent as wrong/bad within the starting point of a desire for my own self interest requirement for external sources to validate, appreciate and approve me as MORE instead of changing my starting point to and as a principle of that which is best for all where - who I am is not defined by what I do but rather, walking breath by breath as who I am within everything that I do. And thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and abuse my human physical body through creating a monthly pain, to maintain my righteousness character without imposing my own self judgement on me as I've utilized the pain as an excuse to excuse myself from my responsibilities without having to waste time on entertainment and indulgent through justifying that I cannot work anyway when having extensive pain.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed memories of seeing women being excused from their responsibilities when having menstruation pain and through accepting the memory to be imprinted into my flesh, I've accepted and allowed the memory to be the stepping stone in creating and manifesting a monthly pain that I would utilize when and as I see I require some rest from my responsibilities as an excuse instead of moving and directing myself in self honesty and when/as a rest is required, to simply rest as  physical support.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself when having menstruation pain so that other could relate and have sympathy towards me, to validate my need to take a rest instead of assessing in self honesty, when my human physical body require a rest and simply walk with my body and support my body, without having to abuse it by creating Energy as Pain and self pity to validate the Body requirement for a rest.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assess what are my responsibilities for a specific day and be frustrated when there is an activity that I would prefer not participating with, and in doing so, simultaneously, look for any physical pain that I could utilize to excuse myself from the activity. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider abusing my human physical body through creating pain just so that I won't have to participate in certain activities and in that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to the principle of what is best for all and in that, do what ever is necessarily to be done to support myself and the people in my environment in sharing equal responsibilities.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to develop likes and dislikes towards my responsibilities and accordingly, assign to each one of them a specific value instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what ever my responsibilities are, it is not about the responsibilities but who I am within my responsibilities and having a preference as likes and dislikes indicate that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to an Energetic experience in self interest in oppose to move and direct myself, breath by breath and do what ever is required to be done in my utmost ability, in self honesty.

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

 

 

A few days ago, a point opened up when I experienced a slight headache. It was a familiar pain that I came to live with, once a month, just before I get a period. Usually, when I'm not taking care of it, it manifests to a Migraine that shuts me down for the rest of the day. Care of it meaning - taking a pill once it becomes unbearable.

 

When I'm looking at the pain that was here a few days ago and the pain that was here a month ago - there is one thing in common - on both days I was taking a time off from my day to day responsibilities. As I go along, you'd see why this point is relevant and in fact, the source point of the pain.

 

So back to a few days ago - when the pain was still bearable, and I had already made the connection between the pain and the menstruation as an actual, real and true fact within and as my mind, I asked a friend for a support through pushing a specific point in my hand as it is usually assist with reducing the pain and with breathing through the pain that is busy emerging in the hand, I see a dimension that is related to the pain and am able to work with it.

 

When we started to investigate the source of the point, I've seen that the pain started when she was asking me what date it was and my back chat was: "oh, I must get period soon". In that moment, without my awareness, I've accepted and allowed the thought and the pain that comes with getting a period that I've accepted and allowed within and as me. So I deleted the connection between getting a period and having pain and continued with my investigation regarding the source/core of creating the idea in the first place, between pain and getting period.

 

My friend move her hands and push on my upper right eye which open up a new point within and as myself. What I've seen was memories of women that are being excused from specific responsibilities when having period pain. When I looked within myself, I saw, that creating a pain, once a month, enough to shut me down for a few hours was deliberately created because I'm not a sick person, I usually don't get sick and thus, I always have to maintain my responsibilities. When I moved through this point, the pain was gone.

 

What I've NOT seen, realized and understood was how, through taking a time off by creating pain, I'm deliberately abusing myself and my human physical body, instead of giving myself a time off without a need to make an excuse for why it is ok for me to take a moment off.

 

In this, it is not surprising that the 2 times I had headache where times where I "took" a moment off from my responsibilities however, I wasn't stable nor clear within my decision to take the time off because I believed that taking a time off is wrong when there are so many other things that I could do to support myself and others.

 

Here, I would refer myself and you to a point that I've been writing about a while back and now, when another dimension opened up, I would get into more specificity in my Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment application: Inner dullness light up in Energy - Day 68.

 

What was not yet seen, understood and realized within and as myself is that who I am is not defined within what I do or don't do but rather, who I am within what I do will determine who I really am as a breath by breath living application.

The Love Experience - Day 170

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where children are being extensively brainwashed into becoming Self Interests Vampires, searching and looking for LOVE that would give one the Experience of Divinity, Wholeness, completeness, Loved and Cared for, for only a Moment, and through this, the children are turning into adults that would perpetuate the separation that is based on one's Self Interest in a divided, cruel and abusive words, which they would justify the wars for example in the name of Love.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the Reason why Love was promoted in this world is for us to not face our fears of being alone and so, instead of assisting and supporting the human race with giving them tools to be able to face and deal with their fears, Humanity had become Zombies - totally blinded from seeing reality as what it is and only focus on one's achievement for one's love and accordingly, never even consider creating a world that is best for all where the Self Interest transform to a common interest that is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the Idea about LOVE that is prompt into children from a very young age through the media as fairy tales, Books and TV, is coming from the starting point of Controlling the masses so that we would never, ever, stand up for a world that is best for all because through this brainwashing, we remain enslaved to the idea/concept of LOVE as an experience which we must attain at least once in our lives and within that, we will not rest until we will have it, we will not see anything, until we will have it and from that perspective, we will not care of anything or anyone else as long as we maintain and get to this moment of Love that would fulfil our inner self wit emotions and feelings that will entirely take over any chance of common sense and within that - seeing reality as it is, what is required to be done to be able to establish, develop and manifest a world that is in fact, best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create specific symbolism through which I can define Love as an experience which only when these symbolism are manifested, the feeling of Love is over taking my entire physical body wherein, I'll justify and reason why I'm feeling that which I'm feeling and would in that, ignore the physical reality, all the signs, all the red flags that indicate that I'm accessing another cycle of self sabotage and in that, direct myself within decisions that are based in practicality instead if directing myself according to the symbolism that I've created in my mind which I defined as real and valid.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place values in my illusions regarding LOVE that I've created already in the childhood years and since everyone was holding onto the same values, I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that these values must be real.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see what LOVE is and in that, accepted and allowed myself to always seek for that experience as others had told me that I must experience it within my Life and in that, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of this LOVE, and the consequences of accepting and allowing self to be blinded by this love and in that, questioning - if love was so magnificent and important, why are accepting and allowing a world of HATE that is justified by LOVE?

Values System within my Mind – Day 169

 

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

 

So, it is clear by now that my decisions regarding men were always fucked up so to speak. While writing it all down, it made me realize that my value system was always unstable from the perspective of valuing specific characteristic while always disregarding myself in self trust/respect. 

 

My tendency was going after those who have strong relationship with their dicks (excuse me for being so frank), those who have self confident, very masculine and strong affection to Porn and Masturbation. Obviously, I didn't look at why am I attracted to those characteristics and what is myself interest desire within it.

Through listening to The Relationship between Sexuality and Money interview, I'm seen why and how I developed the tendency to be with assholes guys.

 

Until recently, the moment I met a guy or targeted someone as the prospected partner, the first thought that came up in my mind was - will he be able to financially take care of me. Now, it is not that I'm not capable to take care of myself but the preprograming is so extensive that only when slowing myself down, I noticed the existence of this backchat within my mind.

I would than go to the imagination dimension, seeing us together, already living together and having a future together. For more about the imagination dimension, please read:  Illusion Reality vs. the Physical Reality - Day 3 as well as watch: Illusion Reality vs. the Physical Reality YouTube video.

 

However, I never investigated the nature of the back chat in relationship to the male's relationship with one's sexuality and money and my attraction towards these men.

As I'm scanning through my past relationships, each one of them had the potential of being financial stable and each one of them had a close relationship to Porn and Masturbation. And the guys that were chasing after me, where exactly the opposite - no financial stability and no close relationship to Porn and Masturbation.

 

So, what does it says about me? Where, why and how I've placed within me the values that led me to make such decisions? What did I valued vs. what I didn't value and who I was within these values and whether or not I have ever valued myself? Where did I pick up these values and who taught me these values?

Lots of question that I never asked myself and thus, so blindly followed these values and fell into the same pattern within the decisions I've made, over and over again.

 

From tomorrow - extensive Self Forgiveness regarding all the points I've written down recently. Stay tuned.

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

 

Continuing with Love, Sex and Spirituality -

 

And so.. As time past by, my resistance towards having a partner had grown and it was 2 years before I had sex again.

 

Obviously, not having sex for 2 years had made me feel good about myself, like I'm more than who I am or who I was, that I'm clean, purified and ready for my ONE.

 

That time, I lived in a small neighborhood that was mostly defined by the various artists that lived there. It

Was by itself, a Spiritual place - and it was where I was first exposed to Spirituality.

I was known by lots of people because I used to walk with my dog many times during the day as well as working in a gallery in the centre of the neighborhood where I could sit down on the street coffee shop when there were no costumers.

 

So, one day, one of the neighbours came to join me on my table and told me a little bit about himself, where is he from, what does he do in Israel and he invited me to come to see his performance which I was very much excited about because the show he was participated in was a show that I wanted to go to for a while.

The day after he called me and said he got a ticket for me and so - I went.

 

To make long story short, this guy followed me around for a few weeks, asked me out, took me to places, used specific words to get my attention, sang song to me and so on. For me, it was a new and exciting experience because his cultural behaviour and mannerism was far from the Average Israeli cultural behaviour and mannerism and I liked it. The words they use in their culture is in a way, respecting, warming, inviting. Like, the woman is considered, appreciated and respected. (Or so I thought :-) )

 

When we got to the Sex Point and I was still holding onto my decision to not have sex until I'm certain that I have supportive relationship with the "One" and also, I was step away from leaving the country for a few months and I couldn't trust that the relationship would stand when I'm gone.

 

Interesting enough, all the Red Flags where there but I didn't want to see because it was disguised with nice words. The pattern that emerged in my life previously showed me that the men that I'm interesting in, only wants sex. Those whom are interesting in me, I do not want them. Obviously, I didn't have the tools to investigate how and why this pattern had emerged throughout my life and how I'm directly the cause of this pattern.

 

At some stage, I became hooked to the new experience with this guy and I was starting to belief that I took the non sex thing to far and that I'm punishing myself by not having sex. The starting point obviously, wasn't self honesty, it was self manipulation so that I could have sex. It wasn't like I suddenly became clear through, investigating why from the get go I punished myself with restraining sex. And so.. I had sex.

 

For the next 2 weeks, before I left, we had cool relationship, we spent lots of time together and slept together almost every night. I had no idea that inside him, he was playing this game because I knew that I'm leaving and that the relationship would fade away as I'm gone. During the time together, I totally lost it and I fall in love. Literally FELL lol.

 

When I came back from India,  I had realized that the entire thing we had previous to my trip was all about sex, and that the words that was used was to get me into bed. He took the non sex thing as a challenge and decided within him that he must break me down. I confronted him about it and asked him directly whether it was all about getting me into bed and he looked me in the eyes and said - Yes. Only Sex.

 

The truth - I was lucky enough to have already walking Process and slowly but surely was more comfortable with my own self application to assist and support me in pulling myself up again and to not suck into another emotional breakdown that may take years to step out of.

 

So, if yesterday I've seen that No Sex = No Relationship and tried to walk the other side of the polairty - Having sex = Having a relationship doesn't work as well. And so - what is really the problem, is it men or me? Where is my Value system through my relationship stories? No where to be found. :-)

 

Anu's interview from today - The Relationship between Sexuality and Money - opened up another dimension regarding my choice in man and my tendency to go after assholes guys. So.. More to come tomorrow which then finally, the entire picture would be clear for me to free myself from my past experiences, my choices, my decisions through a process of Self Forgiveness, Self Commitment and Practical/physical change.

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

 

Continuing with Spiritualizing Love..

 

When I was a spiritual person, I believed that I must purify my Body and my Sex Chakra because of my past sexual partners. I came to believe that unless I retrain sex from myself, I would never find the ONE and that I must preserve my  body for the special guy. Till then.. No sex for me.

 

By the time I came to India and met my 'Master', I was totally possessed by the fact that my soul is not purified, that my soul is dirty and that I must walk a cleansing process to undo what I've done.

My Female Master was working with my sex Chakra and asked me to not have sex during the time I was studying to become an Healer. And blindly, I followed her commend and what happened then?? Obviously, I met a guy.

 

In India, things works in a different pace in comparison to the regular city norms. We spend 2 days together, talking, getting to know each other and 2 days after, we were already living together. "But I can't have sex. It is forbidden. I want to, I can't. maybe it is fine because he is also walking a cleansing process, so maybe I should have sex. I meat, what can go wrong, we already kissed and everything.." - that was my back chat but I couldn't give in to the back chat because the thought about having un purified sex chakra was to much to carry. And facing my master the day after?! Oh no.. Can't go there.

So we didn't have sex and a week after, he decided to move out because according to him, it was too difficult to sleep in my bad without having sex and he cannot stand the temptation.

 

Immediately, I associated the following- Not having sex with a guy Equals to not having a relationship because the only thing a guy wants from me is sex. So, I accepted it, I let him go and within that justified why it was a good decision to not have sex with him. Inside me, I felt resentment towards this guy in particular and towards males in general.

 

When I came back to Israel, I met another guy. He was really sweet and kind and I even step out of my safe zone and allowed myself to go out with him on a date. But - one thing was certain - No sex, not even kissing is allowed.

So, we met a few times and slowly but surely I started developing resentment toward him and was constantly looking for fault in him. every time we met, he asked to kiss me and I said: "No". And as much as he pushed, I became more impatient until I cut it completely off.

Where I'm getting to? Well - I had a dream a few days ago which was as clear as water - no need to interpreted or make any assumptions. Me and this guy from Israel were sleeping together, we were a couple, and I did some things while he was still a sleep lol. When he woke up, he told me: "I didn't know that you are so sexually expressive" and he took some liquid form and wet the bed around me, and said that this liquid will restrain my sexuality. And I woke up.

 

This dream shows me that I've suppressed my sexuality to such an extent that I don't even know myself as a sexual person and that there is a still a part of me that spiritualize sex - a point that I'v not completely investigated and looked at.

 

So… tomorrow.