Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 4 - Day 145

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

 

Yesterday, I was touching briefly about the social influences that I've experienced within and as myself in relation to having multiple partners. Within this blog, I will go into more depth with regards to this point as I see that it had crucial effects on my decision making.

 

I remember at the age of 24, I was working in a fancy restaurant and all my co-workers were young, fine, cool, hot girls. It's like, when coming to the restaurant, you are coming to a fashion show. Literally. Off topic - there was an hair dresser that used to do for us hair style every night before work, our clothes where made by a designer.. Crazy shit man.

 

So anyway, for me it was a new experience; I came from a suburb city, my life were quite boring before I started working there, I didn't go to parties, I didn't care about clothes, I didn't care about being cool because as far as I've seen myself in the suburb, I was cool in my own way. I didn't feel like I'm missing out something because I didn't know what was out there - Parties, Drugs, alcohol, guys.. So for me, it was all new and I didn't know how to swallow everything when I encounter the Big City Life. I wanted everything - I wanted to party, drugs, alcohol, guys.. But inside me, I knew it wasn't me and for me to get those stuff, I must act like one of them, I must make new friends, I must fit it. it is not so easy to fit in when I've valued myself as unworthy, fat, not good enough in comparison to what I've seen in the "big city". (lol, if you'd know where I'm coming from, you'll laugh about what I define as a big city and what I define as a suburb). In the Suburb, you don't have to be all of those things to fit it.. So it was quite a ride by itself.

 

Ok so.. One day, all the girls were talking about sex, how much sex they do, with whom they are doing it, how good it is, how their hair style in their vagina is shaped. And I.. Didn't know what they were talking about, it was a shock to me. One of them told me - "the reason why you are not having sex is because you are not prepared for sex.. You haven't shaped your vagina hair".

 

And so, I became possessed about how I should look like down there, what man likes, what do I need to do to "prepare" myself for sex. Not even a moment, looking at the physical aspect within it all. Not ever considering who, why and what I am as sex. All I cared about was fitting in with my new environment and within it, do what ever it takes to be defined and seen as cool.

 

Within my next blog, I will be continuing with the self forgiveness process with regards to my ranting and raving here and once I'm done covering this point, unless I'd see another dimension with regards to multiple partners, I will start walking the process of change through practical corrective application.

 

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

 

A few days ago, I was listening to one of Anu's latest interviews: Reptilians - Justifying Control on the Premise of Unity - part 88 where he explained his motivation or trigger point of spiting the elders who he perceived to limit and control him when they didn't see eye to eye the future of existence. What I've realized in that moment is the relationship between parents and children and why is it that children will deliberately try to break their limitations by doing that which will contradict their upbringing and within that, a sense of spite would emerge within and as them.

 

And as I'm walking through the multiple partners in relation to sexual suppression dimension, a memory came up of my mother telling me: "When a girl is sleeping around, she is a slut, when a boy sleep around, he is a stud". In that moment, I made a decision which I wasn't aware yet at that time - I will prove her wrong.

 

I didn't accept the old fashion judgement of men are allowed to have sexual fun while the females are not allowed. It didn't make sense to me because for a men to have multiple partners, he must have a multiple partner lol. And so, it doesn't make sense that all his female's partner are a slut. I saw this statement by my mother to be faulty and old fashion. I saw it as something I shouldn't listen to and that I must have multiple sexual experiences to feel alive.

 

Obviously, I didn't see that my mother wants to protect me; I didn't see the common sense in what she was trying to tell me with regards to having multiple sexual partners vs. having a supportive agreement with One partner.

I guess, if she would have explained to me the time line, the reason, the common sense in having One partner where I can develop myself with, grow and empower myself, I might have listen to her back then as I would have been able seeing common sense for myself. What I did see was my mother's fear of what society would say about me, if I were to be one of those females who would have multiple sexual partners.

 

However, I didn't listen to her, and I developed another entity within our relationship - one entity that my mother would be proud of, as the perfect daughter, and one who is secretly doing what I shouldn't have been doing according to my upbringing.

 

What is clear to me today is that parents have no clue of how to raise their kids in common sense and as they try to control the children and raise them according to the parents' eyes view, they are in essence creating the exact opposite - rebellion kids that would do exactly what the parents don't want them to do. The kids would feel restrain, powerless and limited by their parents and would act it spite, to prove the parents wrong, to break off the limits that one is experiencing.

 

So the questions are - it is really wrong to have multiple partners? Is it because parents fear their neighbours to judge their children? How is it that beings are not educated to have a partner in agreement? Why is the media impulsing and stipulating the youth to have as many sexual experiences as possible? WHY and HOW we have accepted and allowed such secrecy around sex and sexuality and it is not part of the child's education process?

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

 

Some time during my childhood years, I heard someone judging one's parents for being only with each other since they were kids. This being said that he can't imagine having one partner throughout one's life time and said they have no idea what they have missed and whether or not their partner is a good sex partner because they do not have any reference point. Obviously, I was a child and didn't know what this being was saying.. But now, when walking my Journey into discovering my sexual suppressions and sexual patterns, I see, realize and understand that that very statement this being has made, imprinted into my flesh and from that moment onwards I've made the decision that I will never merry with my first sex partner and I will have multiple sexual experiences so that I know what sex is and what specifically a good sex is.

 

It is interesting how we fuck ourselves with making decisions that are based in fear, making decision without even being aware of our decisions being made; interesting the influences we are exposed to without having any tools to filter in common sense where the other beings as potential influences are in their own process.

 

So, I see now another dimension for why I've decided to break up from my first boyfriend before even having sex with him and it was because I knew, he cannot be the ONE. How can he be if I'm going to break up with him anyway because I wouldn't allow myself to be with the first guy I slept with.

 

And so, I've started my sexual journey - making sure my partners won't be the ONEs so that I can have sexual EXPERIENCES lol.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to never be and marry the first guy I was having sex with because I believed I would miss out sexual experiences without even being aware of what is it that I'm missing out. Within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to FEAR missing out if I marry the first partner I had because I wouldn't have any reference points with regards to sex and thus, I would end up regretting, having boring sex life and be frustrated when I realized I made a mistake that cannot be taken back.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to imprint someone's statements as one's opinions with regards to having one partner of multiple partners and accordingly, making the decision of having multiple partners so that I would make sure that before I settle in, I'll have many sexual experiences and I would be certain that my partner can satisfied me for as long as I live. I see, realize and understand how and why I've made the decision of having multiple sex partner throughout my life and how through one single statement another being has made, I have accepted and allowed myself to based life decisions with regards to sex, sexuality and my choices in partners.

 

In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define, connect, associate the idea of having one partner throughout one's life as having a boring, unsatisfied and frustrating relationship and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge people who had only had one partner in their life as boring which through this, I've made the decision to have as many sexual partner as possible before getting married so that I can be certain that I've experienced enough, I'm a cool person and no one would see me as boring human being.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how and why I have become my own enemy as I've disrespected myself to the extent of making decisions that do not support me and my human physical body but rather, support an idea that I've heard as a child that would stand within and as my decision that I've made as a child to not marry the first guy I was sleeping with.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself a world where the media stimulate and encourage beings to have multiple sexual experiences with various partners and within that, define those beings as cool while the others are boring and dorks. And in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where children are being supported in realizing why and how an agreement is the platform to experience and explore oneself as Sex, in self intimacy with oneself and one's partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must prove myself to my friends and show them how cool I am when sleeping around and having meaningless sex with partner that do not respect me in a direct relationship to how I didn't respect myself and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to need being validated by friends as cool through having sex with cool guys and I haven't realized how and why I've abused and sabotage myself within my own desire of wanting to feel belong.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assess my relationships through whether or not I had enough sexual experiences instead of assessing my relationships with males according to whether the relationship is supporting us both, in developing intimate and physical communication, exploring physical sexuality and coming together in agreement of individual and mutual assistance and support within our processes.

 

 

 

 

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Continuing to explore, investigate and see who, why and what I am as sex. For quite some time, I've been resisting walking my Agreement course due to "knowing" I would have to forgive myself for that which I've accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed on my past choices and partners. BUT - as I was walking my last few blogs, I've realized that the only one who judge me is myself because I haven't unconditionally forgiven myself. I used to take my past personally and feel regret and shame for the choices I've made. Now, I realize that what ever I've decide previously was only came from the patterns/characters/personalities that I've created throughout my life, in separation and deliberately blindness. So, why should I judge something I can change? I should I judge something I wasn't even aware I was responsible for? Why should I judge my own creation if I can recreate it? and so.. This topic had come - "Multiple Partners - Shame on you".

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I've chosen in my past and in that, perpetuating how powerless I am in standing and taking responsibility to stop recreating myself as an automated organic robot.

 

I now see, realize and understand that judging myself for the choices I've made is pointless and useless and I rather apply myself within the principle of what is best for all within the starting point of making the choices that would result with the best and utmost outcome for all.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself judging myself for the choices I've made in my past with regards to my partners, I stop, I breathe and I align myself to myself as my physical human body. I realize that continuing judging myself wouldn't change the fact that it was always me who made the decisions and it would always be me who makes decision in every moment of every breath and thus, I assist and support myself with aligning myself to what I've accepted and allowed within and as myself and accordingly, stand as the directive principle and change myself breath by breath, step by step, within and as that which is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my past as the choices I've made with regards to sex, sexuality and partners when and as I investigate the patterns/characters that I've accepted and allowed within and as myself. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself for taking the responsibility in assisting and supporting myself to change and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take that which I've become personally instead of realizing that I've created myself as a victim to my own programming but in every moment, there is a window of opportunity as breath, to stand up, change and stop recreating the consequences that I've continuously created throughout my life and in this, I am the one who decide.

 

I see, realize and understand that reacting to who I was in my past is pointless and useless because my past doesn't define me but Who I am within the decisions that I make breath by breath are the ones I would utilize to measure my self honesty in terms of my change and accordingly, in self honesty assess what points I require to go deeper when and as I see a thought/reaction that comes up in relation to my past within my relationship to sex, sexuality and my ex partners.

 

I commit myself to STOP reacting and taking myself personally as I see, realize and understand the programming that was involved and how I'm directly responsible for everything I've chosen throughout my life and thus, I commit myself to transform my reactions towards my past to moments of opportunities where I'm able to assist and support myself in seeing the pattern that played out, my responsibility within it and through a process of physical self forgiveness application, I assist and support myself in self honesty to release the energetic expression that I've become and stand as a physical expression as who I am in every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dirty for the choices I've made in my past with regards to sex, sexuality and partners and instead of realizing what led me to the choices I've made through walking the time line from the trigger point to the activation point through the end line and see the pattern that played out, I've disrespected myself by judging myself, believing that I'll become clean if I suppress my past and won't have sex for a while.

 

I see, realize and understand now that avoiding myself through suppression and denying myself physical sex is not a solution and as long as I won't sort myself out through a process of forgiveness in self honesty, I would always judge myself even if it's burry deep inside myself.

 

I commit myself to dig myself back to earth, to the physical reality, to myself, as I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress that which I've become through believing that if I won't think about it, I'll be ok. I now see, realize and understand that as long as I would accept and allow the past old programs that I've created and installed within and as my flesh to run in the back ground of my automated organic robotic life, I would repeat the same patterns again and again and again and thus, I commit myself to stop, take responsibility, apply myself, change myself and LIVE!

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look back at my life in shame for the choices I've made in relation to sex, sexuality and partners and I haven't realized that I can utilize the shame to support myself instead of diminishing myself through going back in time within writing the time lines and correct that which I see to be required for correction so that I could re-create myself as a physical living human being that walk in every moment of breath as that which is best for all if I allow myself to forgive myself and transform myself from energy vampire to physical best for all living application, breath by breath.

 

I see, realize and understand how and why I've used Shame to destroy myself, to diminish and disrespect myself and within that, haven't given myself a chance to correct Who I am within the choices I've made and thus, I see, realize and understand that I've abused and sabotaged myself through the experience of shame because I've not transform the shame into gift of self introspection from the starting point of assisting and supporting myself to change who and what I've become but rather used the experience of shame to enslave myself into self unworthiness that led to years of not being able to sustain a relationship because I haven't respected and trusted myself enough to be of worth to anything or anyone.

 

I commit myself to unconditionally forgive myself for my past actions, behaviour, patterns and to STOP the cycle of abuse and sabotage within and as myself by giving value to my past as that which defines me.

I realise that I've not defined by my past unless I decides to because I'm only the one who decide.

I realize that I've a window of opportunity to assist and support myself with stopping the cycle of self abuse and transform into and as a physical living human being that walk in every breath according to that which is best for all.

 

 

The cultural society norms character - Self Commitments - Day 99

This is a continuation to

The Chameleon Character in my Movie of my Life - Day 97

The cultural society norms character - Self Forgiveness Day 98

 

I commit myself to let the guilt of not standing within and as how I've programmed myself to be and become as my culture/society norms and behaviors because I see, realize and understand that guilt emerge when and as I hold onto memories of the other characters that I perceived to be disappointed from me stepping out of my character and so long as I allow those memories to dictate my living expression, I've not in fact changed and stood within and as a principle of what is best for all as I accept and allow myself to separate myself from here, as all that exists here, through giving value to specific groups/cultures/societies and disregard everything and everyone else in this world.

 

I commit myself to STOP the co-dependent relationships in my world and my reality and to transform the relationship's starting point to that which is best for all which then, the relationship will become interdependent relationship where all are working together, in agreement, assisting and supporting each other to step out of character, so that we can for once and for all, stand together and recreate the our existence through clearing up the mess within and as ourselves and clearing up the mess within and as existence as ourselves. I see, realize and understand that when the relationship isn't co-dependent relationship, when/if one step out of character, the other wouldn't be dependent on the other to remain in character and so, each make the decision to either remain in character or step out of character. We decide.

 

I commit myself to show that the value that we have attached/defined/connected to our culture/social norms that we brought up to accept and allow as ourselves was done within and as separation where we have only maintain our culture guideline and have protected our legacy while all along, disregard all other cultures and have allowed abuse and suffering all around the world.

Within that, I commit myself to show that when a baby comes to the world, he doesn't have any memories, thoughts, emotions/feelings and value towards one's culture and that the parents as the culture have brainwashed the child until the child accepted and allowed the value of the culture to be his dictator as the child is already lost within and as him mind, as character.

 

I commit myself to stand in the face of frictions/disagreement that may occur due to me stepping out of characters. I see, realize and understand that the cause of friction is due to me not standing as equal to and one as the memories that people are holding towards me and as I stand and challenge their character, they will access resistance and friction as that was the process that I've walked within and as myself. And I commit myself to show, how I've supported myself to step out of my characters, how I've walked and still walking through the resistances that I face in the moment of change as the memories that I stored within my flesh doesn't match the character that I'm busy deleting and as such, the mind resisting its deletion but it is only me who decide whether to give in or stand up. it is always me who decide.

 

I commit myself to show how the culture/society norms brainwash its followers through a rewards system for their good behaviour as it was the culture/society norms as who we are that have created the rewards system to enslave and control us to the source/power/god/elite of Money that will provide us our rewards.

 

I commit myself to stand as equal and one as my self-responsibility to step out of character and within that, not accept and allow other people's character as I see, realize and understand that so long as I accept the shit of others, I accept the shit of myself and that is because I wasn't willing to stand up and direct my world and my reality within and as a principle of what is best for all and so long as I'm not standing in this position, I accept and allow myself to recreate my own shit that is a reflection of this world as a mirror of my acceptance and allowances.

 

I commit myself to let go of all my desires for a specific experience within self interest as I see the consequences of me accepting and allowing myself to exists within such desires; I commit myself to show that so long as we accept and allow the self interest desire of rewards as energy, we accept and allow the abuse and suffering in this world as all we care about is ourselves and ourselves only; I commit myself to show that so long as we care for ourselves only, we blind ourselves from the real physical reality that is Here, and we are not in fact doing anything to change the physical experience of the majority of this world into a fulfilling Life experience that is equal to and one for all; I commit myself to show that it is in our power, self will and ability to change this world if and as we let go of our individual race for our own self interest desire for an experience and practically apply the principle of do onto another that which you'd like to be done to you.

 

I commit myself to let go of the belief that I must explain myself to others as there is only ONE being that I must explain myself to and that is me - explain why despite of all I know, I haven't yet changed myself and accordingly, take the responsibility to do what ever it takes, as long as it takes, and change in fact.

The cultural society norms character - Self Forgiveness Day 98

This is a continuation to

The Chameleon Character in my Movie of my Life - Day 97

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have taken for granted the belief that I must embody specific emotions and feeling within and as myself according to how the society and culture expect me to behave and thus, when and as I've not stood within the embodiment of a specific emotion/feeling when for example, someone questioned/challenged my stance, I access guilt for not being possessed by the expected emotion/feeling without realizing that in that moment of guilt, I've in fact have become possessed through accessing another dimension of and as Guilt and thus, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand as who I am, with no energy movement within and as myself and instead, have allowed the Chameleon Character that I've created and become to dictate the script I would play, the script that would ensure my position within and as the my society/culture so that I would please my environment and could maintain the 'peace' within the relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize how instantaneously, me, as the Chameleon character, chooses the character that will suit the best outcome in any given moment wherein when my stance within the cultural and society norms is challenged, I would choose the best character that will automatically speak on my behalf so that I wouldn't create a friction within my environment. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the core/source/reason for why I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand up as LIFE that is best for all is because of fear of losing my desires as I believed that only those in my culture/society can fulfil these desires because they have done so in the past and thus, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the co-dependency relationships that I've created with my environment wherein, we are dependent on each other to remain in character and fulfil each other desires, despite of the fact that it is only our desires, in self interest that we are providing for each other and there is no equal and one care and consideration to everything and everyone in this world and so, if one will step out of character, the relationship will fall and our desires wouldn't be able to be fulfilled any longer. 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have place Value within and as the culture and society norms that I grow up with and have thus, embodiment those values within and as my flesh to be guided and directed in any given moment and accordingly, have automated my behaviour through creating myself as the chameleon character, as a data bank of all the character that I can use to be able to maintain/sustain myself as my culture/social norms dictate me and would be able to fit in, be accepted, validated and rewarded.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of the culture and society norms character because I know that when stepping out of character, friction would defiantly manifest and within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to walk in self trust in every moment of every breath in absolute self honesty, trusting that I would keep walking no matter what may manifest and thus, I let go of the fear of friction as there is nothing to be afraid of - Friction will manifest as it is part of the change as the challenge that each one will face and unless I stand in the face of the challenge and friction, I will know one thing - I had a chance to step out of my character and stand up as Life that is best for all, and yet, I haven't as I've allowed myself as the fear character to direct, control, enslave and dictate me who and what I am as the culture and society norms that I've accepted as myself and within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that unless I step out of character, I am useless as I have all that one needs for one self change - I've got the tools, I've got the support and it is me who decide whether I stand or fall and it would be me who would have to explain why and how I've allowed myself to fall with all the support that I have had throughout my Life.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the relationship between remaining in the culture/society norms character and the self interest desire for a reward as an experience because according to my past experience, when and as I stood within the cultural/society norms, I got a reward for my behaviour and thus, have decided to remain in character so that I could maintain and sustain my rewards.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise and diminish myself through taking other people cultural and society norms characters personally and have thus, wear specific suits and changed my colours to sustain the peace within our relationships because I feared facing friction and within that, I haven't seen, realized and understood that so long as I accept and allow them to remain in their characters, I'm supporting their characters and thus, support their acceptance and allowance of the diminishment and compromise of themselves as characters because I wasn't willing to step out of my character and stand as a pillar of support within and as myself and within and as others as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to change my colours around people which I've stored memories about and haven't allowed myself to express myself as who I am, despite of me knowing exactly what is that I'm accepting and allowing when and as I allow myself to change my colours and submit to the cultural/society character and I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to stand in self honesty as who I am, in every given moment due to fears of being mocked, judged, not accepted and validated because there was a desire that I didn't allow myself to give up yet, a desire for a self interest reward that I may get if I play along with the game, a desire that I didn't allow myself to let go because I haven't established self trust within and as myself that I will stand in the face of what ever my come, and walk the same as yesterday today and tomorrow, that I will stand and find a practical solution for what ever that may come because there is ALWAYS a solution if I dare myself to see it because the solution is Me, as what I decide ME to be and become, what I will accept and what I won't - it is always me who decides.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must explain and justify why I've changed to those who are still in character and within the fear of sharing myself as what I've walked, I in fact made sure that I won't step out of character and as such, will have nothing to explain and the truth is that I have not changed in fact because if I had, I would stand no matter what.