Reactions as a window of Opportunity for self Intimacy - Day 310

I realized today a fascinating thing about reactions as Judgement and Blame - what we judge about the other was always there meaning - their behaviour never changed or their thought patterns are always the same but only when we perceive that their behaviour or thought pattern may Harm us in any way whatsoever we then react to it Judgement, Blame, Resentment and so on.

 

Like for example, let's say that you work in a 2 floor office where your colleagues and you are divided to 2 floors. You are all in a way responsible for certain projects but each has their own responsibility. As long as you don't see what they do, there won't be any thoughts/backchats running around in your mind however, the moment you become aware of their doing, and you perceive that what they do would harm you in a way, you'll then develop backchats about them and judge/blame them within and as your mind.

 

So even though these people behaved/acted the same previous to your awareness of that, you only started to judge and blame them when you became aware of it and only because you perceived that their behaviour is unacceptable and may cause harm to you or others which compromised your self interest, you reacted.

 

In this scenario, the Reaction is what actually Compromised not only you but also your peers because if you noticed a point that require correction but instead of effectively directing it and come to a point of correction, you reacted to it and the problem persists.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge another when I Perceive through my own Physical eyes that they are doing something that is not acceptable according to the set of Norms that I've Encrypted within and as myself, set of norms that I've installed and lived as, in separation from myself without any consideration or regards to the validity of these Norms that I've accepted and allowed blindly as myself.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I judge is that which I 'Feel' that would threaten my Self Interest, because otherwise, if I would have seen a point that is not best for all, I would have been directing it within self trust and stability but the fact that I've reacted in judgement and/or Blame indicate a point within and as myself that I overlooked and haven't sort out yet.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the pattern or the point that I judged in another, was something that didn't quantimaly manifested but was always there only now, I became 'aware' of it because it interfere with my self interest which then thus, activated a personality system within and as myself through which I accepted and allowed myself to react instead of Direct and Correct.

 

In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that reacting to such point/pattern instead of directing them indicate that I've accepted and allowed my own process of compromised application as well as the Process of another because I haven't realize that as long as I accept and allow myself to react instead of clearing myself from these Energies,  stand in stability and clarity and assist and support the other to see one's participation of that which is not standing in alignment to what is best for all, I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise not only myself within my initial reaction but also the other as I've not stood as an example and as a pillar of support.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to question why is it that I only react to what I'm aware of while the point was always there regardless my awareness of its existence and within that, how is it that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to knowledge and information in terms of, reacting to what I became aware of instead of standing in stability in ever moment of breath? In this, how is it that I've accepted and allowed myself to change my entire behaviour through reactions to new pieces of Information that I've either heard/read/seen and thus, why it is that something outside of myself moves me and my entire expression?

 

I commit myself to further investigate the point of reactions as a design as I now see, realize and understand that there much more to it than what meets the eyes.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself reacting, to flag the point and use this window of opportunity to get to know myself more, to be able to transcend such points wherein nothing separated from me would move and change me but rather I stand as the directive principle in every moment of each breath.

 

I commit myself to investigate why it is that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to knowledge and information in terms of, reacting to what I became aware of instead of standing in stability in ever moment of breath? In this, how is it that I've accepted and allowed myself to change my entire behaviour through reactions to new pieces of Information that I've either heard/read/seen and thus, why it is that something outside of myself moves me and my entire expression?

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

This is a continuation to:

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

 

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the reaction I am experiencing when and as someone sees me naked wherein, from the day I was born, I've been wearing clothes on my body, covering my body and through this, creating the perception that only clothes on the body is validated and naked is extremely wrong. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize how I've been programming myself to believe that I must wear clothes all the time so that no one would ever sees my naked body and this imprint that I've installed within me, has influence my sexuality as being uncomfortable with my naked human physical body either with myself or with my partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the extent of programming that I've inserted within and as myself wherein, if I'm taking a shower or changing clothes and someone mistakably enter the room, I would immediate react and cover myself so that no one would ever see me naked.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate a naked body with SHYness and accordingly, I made sure that no one will see me fully naked and in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of SHYness within and as me in relation to being naked because according to society/culture norms and codes, being naked is something that is not acceptable and one must feel ashamed and shy when one is naked around other human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only time sex is allowed and validated is when it's dark and accordingly, I've made the connection that sex can only be done when the lights are off.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with backchat when and as I'm having sex, just before we start the act, to always make sure that when I'll be naked, the lights are off so my partner would not be able to see me or to be more specific, my naked human physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize how and why I've become so separated from myself as my human physical body, to the extent of which I feel uncomfortable being naked with my partner, not to mention, with myself.

 

 

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to SEE the extent of the brainwashing within the Adam, Eve and the Snake story which I was taught in a very young age and I haven't realize the snake represent the MIND, as the knowledge and information we give value to, and only through the mind, we formulate all kinds and types of ideas/beliefs/opinions that limit our physical expression as we then start experiencing and living our lives from/as the MIND, in absolute separation from WHO we are as a living physical human beings. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give value to the Adam, Eve and the Snake story as my morality that will dictate me to cover my human physical body with clothes because otherwise, it's immoral, wrong and forbidden.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to SEE, realize and understand that my need of having sex in the Dark isn't Normal, despite of 60% or more of the people in this world preferring having sex in the dark and in this, I forgive myself that I've validated my preference of having sex in the dark through justifying it within myself as normal, and everyone are having sex in dark, Not seeing, realizing and understanding the extent of the separation I'm accepting and allowing within and as myself, to not only hide myself and my human physical body but to also lie to myself through justifications and excuses so that I won't have to investigate WHY and HOW I've accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my human physical body and accordingly change, be intimate with myself as well as my partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the relationship between my need to have sex in the dark and my perception of myself as my human physical body wherein, I've created ideas and opinions about how I look in comparison to a picture I've stored in my mind as how I should look and so long as the picture in my mind doesn't match to my human physical body appearance, I would judge and do what ever it takes to hide my naked physical human body and accordingly, develop the "preference" to have sex in the dark.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to develop my sexual position preference according to how my body looks like and due to the extent of self judgement with regards to my human physical body appearance, I've limited my sexuality and my exploration of who I am within my sexuality according to how my body would look like instead of what I, as my body, physically prefer, regardless how my body looks like in various positions.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be intimate with myself and accordingly, with my partner because I've limited my sexuality within the ideas and judgements I hold onto my human physical body appearance and accordingly, haven't accepted and allowed myself to explore, investigate and enjoy a physical expression within and as sex.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that we are NOT living in a Photoshop world where everyone looks so perfect and shaped as what I see on the magazines and TV and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that only if I would look perfect according to my eye's view, I could allow myself to explore my sexuality with my partner and be open with my sexuality as I could exposed my naked perfectly shaped physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and think while having sex with my partner, that he would judge my human physical body and accordingly, would decide to leave me and find someone else to be with, someone who looks better than me and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my sexual expression to a limited types of positions that would ensure my human physical body would still look sexy so that my partner wouldn't be frustrated that he is stuck with me while being able to be with other perfectly shaped women.

 

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

Judgment isn't Fun - Day 38

Life Review - Expecting Appreciation from Others

            Life Review - Expecting Appreciation from Others

This blog is a continuation of yesterday blog where I would take the point of Responsibility within the relationship with Self judgement and Time. It is NOT fair - Day 37

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge every moment that I'm not walking my responsibilities as wrong/bad/negative and I haven't realized that my upmost responsibility is towards myself in making sure that I'm 'Here', in breath, as a physical Living expression without being influenced by my mind and within that, I forgive myself that I've separated myself from my responsibilities because I've created a personality entity towards it and I've used my responsibilities to maintain worth, validation and acceptance by others and abdicated the REAL responsibility of assisting and supporting me to become a physical living expression and direct everything that I do within the starting point of Who I am as a breath by breath Decision to walk as the principle that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my relationships with beings in my world because I have given more value to my responsibilities than to physically enjoyable the connection with  other beings as well as, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience my self as righteous because I care more about my responsibilities in comparison to what they do with their time and thus, I deliberately won't allow myself to enjoy my time with them because than, I'm apparently, not standing as an example to them which within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my responsibilities through attempting to gain the experience of being self righteous by comparing that which I do to that which others are doing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that standing as an example is within What I do in separation of myself, instead of standing as an example of Who I am within a breath by breath decision to walk and move myself according to that which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not enjoy myself with other beings in my world because I'm trying to make them experience guilt for them not taking the responsibility that I think they should take and within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand as an example to support the beings in my world because I've tried to diminish them within the belief that if they experience guilt, they will move themselves faster. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - when I'm in a moment of social gathering with beings that I define as more than me, to pretend that I must stop the entertainment and get back to my responsibilities so that those people could appreciate me and see that I am a devoted being, within that hope that maybe they will judge themselves through my words/acts and thus, I won't be the only being who judge myself but they will do the same onto themselves.

SO - after writing those 2 blogs, it is clear that Who I am isn't define by what I do. Everything that I've done thus far was from the starting point of self interest within the hope of getting appreciation from others through what I do. Within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require others to appreciate what I do to be able to define myself as worthy and I haven't consider that worthiness is a breath by breath expression that I am Equal to and One as if only I allow and accept worthiness as ME.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm able to maintain and gain self worth through what I do and I haven't consider who I am within what I do which show the extent of separation that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I do and thus, been frustrated that I don't have enough time to do all that I see as beneficial to do because I have limited myself within the perception of Time without considering that there is so much that one can do in every breath but because I've defined myself according to time within the frame of what I do, I've missed a breath, missed myself within the breath and missed the physical LIFE that is here, awaiting for me to realize myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself and haven't allowed myself to enjoy myself with myself and with other beings in my world because my mind was running haywire, thinking of what I should do, what I haven't done yet, what needs to be done, "it's not fair" and so on.

I commit myself to enjoy myself breath by breath by breath as who I am within everything that I do.

I commit myself stop being hard on myself and allow me to BREATHE myself out of my mind and into the physical.

I commit myself to worthy myself as Who I am and stop defining myself and others according to what we do.

I commit myself to enjoy my time with other beings in my world as breath by breath hereness, and I direct myself to when I'm with people as well as when I'm alone, to shut the mind out and physically direct and move myself Here.

I commit myself to walk my responsibilities as equal to and one as who I am and reassess everything that I do, to allocate my starting point and change it if required.

I commit myself to stop limiting myself to the perception of Time.

I commit myself to STOP riding on the back of others within the attempt of getting validation of worth from others.

I commit myself to delete all the personalities that I've created throughout my life that served my self interest and to reconstruct myself according to WHO I am, breath by breath, same tomorrow, now and yesterday.

Inadequacy, failure and self judgement - part 1 - Day 30

Art by Andrew Gable

Ok, so there where 4 points that I wanted to look at and walk the self forgiveness today and I couldn't see clearly neither of them. I started writing about one point and I stopped. Than I tried to write about another point but I saw that I'm forcing myself into realization that is based on knowledge and information and not truly seeing the point for myself which was also a point of self judgement because I did write, I did applied myself but I followed my mind telling me that I'm not good enough and my realizations are not real. So I decided to follow my mind and stop the writing. However, than overwhelmingness emerge and I access emotions of self judgment, inadequacy and failure for not being able to walk through points because according to the idea that I've created in my mind, I should be more than capable to walk through any point that I would like to take on but what I've missed was that I am able to walk through the point, if I give myself the permission to see through the points instead of following my mind that tells me that I can't.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access emotion of inadequacy and failure through comparing myself to an idea of what I should be and whom should I be when writing my Self Forgiveness because the idea of me didn't meet with the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to miss a breath through allowing myself to judge myself as inadequate and failure and within that perpetuate the power that I allowed my mind to direct, control and enslave me instead of not accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind telling me that I'm a failure and become the directive principle within self trust.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself instead of embracing me and giving me the time and space within self patience to walk my process of getting myself back here by stepping out of my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to an idea of me that I've created through comparison to other being in my world who I see as more effective than me instead of realizing that I'm walking my own process that has nothing to do with anyone else and comparing myself to others won't make the process any more easier and thus, it's unpractical and irrelevant and in fact, a form of self abuse and I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to utilize self judgement as evaluation for myself so instead of supporting myself I've diminished myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access overwhelming when a few points to investigate and walk through are here and instead of walking one point at a time with self trust and self commitment, I gave in to my mind that told me that I'm a failure for not being able to walk through the points effectively.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to approach the points within the starting point of fixing the problem and thus, tried to superimpose the correction without practically walking each point at a time line and within that, became stiff and hard on myself instead of STOPPING and see what is the real point that is playing out and simply be gentle with myself and walk through it one step at a time, one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed an idea of me to be my directive principle and thus, I haven't realize that I'm trying to define myself according to how I present myself instead of practically assist and support myself with walking in humbleness and gentleness in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that if I write about a point then I'm done and when time pass by and I realized that the point is still here as another layer/dimension that I've not seen before, than I'm a failure and inadequate because I fall on the same pattern instead of simply take the point deeper in my application and allow myself to see that which I've missed before and simply walk the practical living application in breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated when not seeing a point in its totality but I've failed to see that I didn't absolutely allow myself to see the point and gave myself the permission to see the point and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within the belief that I'm not seeing the point even if I want to see the point because within wanting to see the point, there is a energetic desire and it is not absolute permission to actually see the point and I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that wanting to see the point isn't to give myself the permission and the allowance to see the point because within want, there is a hidden agenda of wanting to define myself as more than.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see that I'm comparing my process to other people processes within the starting point of wanting to be the "best in class" - to be the person that everyone are looking up to  and within that, sabotaged and compromised myself through having the starting point being based on others instead of having the starting point based on me, based on assisting and supporting me.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to trust BREATH and through that trust make a commitment and a decision to remain in breath but instead, gave myself excuses and justification for why I have to walk a process to get myself to breath even though the obvious is here - I'm breathing HERE and I trust my breathing here and all I've got to do is breathe!

Art by Andrew Gable

So, I commit myself TO be gentle with myself, be humble with myself and respect and worthy myself in every moment of every breath and within that, not accepting and allowing myself to suck into emotions and feelings and thus, I commit myself to BREATHE and to realize that if I miss a breath, I stand up and return to breath.

I commit myself to walk points according to a timeline and not allowing myself to access overwhelmingness because it is a self manipulation in a form of excuses and justification for why I cannot simply breathe and bring myself back to myself.

I commit myself to stop all judgement because I realize it is not serving me or anyone else. I commit myself to instead evaluate myself in every moment and question myself, my acceptance and allowances and direct each and every moment in absolute self trust as Breath, point by point by point.

I commit myself to stop comparing my process to other being processes as I realize that I'm walking my own process that has nothing to do with other people. I realize that walking process isn't a competition and that the final step will be when everyone have walked their processes.

I commit myself to stop competition, comparison and jealousy and walk myself in breath.

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to other people.

I commit myself to myself.