But I applied Self-Forgiveness - why didn't I change - Day 457

 

Sometime I find myself applying Self-Forgiveness in relation to a specific patterns that I've seen within myself but on a physical level, I self honestly do not see a self-change as the point reoccurring over and over again.

When I investigated the point within myself, I have found that there are 2 dimensions that I must consider:

 

1. It may seem as if there was no Self-Change but in fact, what is showing is simply another dimension that I haven't seen before and hence, I require to work with that which opened up, forgive myself and 'wait' till a moment reveal itself again for me to see/assess if the self forgiveness was effective or there are more dimensions I must open up and investigate within and as myself.
2. I may have forgiven myself however, the automated programming still very must existent and all that is required from me to do now is  to stop and change the programming through accumulation of moments where I physically correct the point within and as myself. Here, What I often find myself doing is firstly judging myself for falling again - "I shouldn't have done that", or "what the fuck now",  or "how could I" or "I can't believe I fell into this again" or "what the hell is wrong with me".  Other times, a memory comes up and I suck into the emotional experience of that memory but at the same time, I do stop myself, not accepting that shit any more the exist within me but the moment after, I judge myself for accessing the memory in the first place not realizing that 'hey, it was me who directed myself to snap out of the emotional experience of the memory as how I've instructed myself when I paved my way before me to physically change myself when/as the memory comes up again.

 

What I also found is that when it is another dimension that opens up which I require to further explore/investigate, the self judgement is not as intense as it is when the exact same programming is repeating itself. Because, in the first scenario, the programming doesn't play out exactly as it was playing out before, something new emerge but when the second scenario is playing out, it is the exact same point that I have worked with before. In other words, taking it back to the nature of Self Judgement, in the first scenario, the self judgement is coming as: "but what am I missing? I don't understand" unlike the second scenario where the self judgement is more in the sense of self-hatred/anger if you will.

 

It is strange that it was said so many times before the Self Forgiveness by itself does not change self as the change must be walked in the physical real time and yet, time after time I judge myself when something that I already looked at and worked on is playing out and yet, the programming takes over and the pattern is playing out again.

 

Interestingly enough, the only point where I literally fall is when I judge myself lol

Because, as I've explained in my previous blog - who I am is not determine by an outcome. Who I am is determine according to my relationship to the outcome and within that, whether or not I will stand up and physically change my living application.

 

Thus, my weakness point throughout the process that I've walked was self judgement where I accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself as a reaction, instead of practically assess myself in any given moment and walk the relevant alignment that would support me to physically change myself when/as a point is 'here' again. Though, as long as I was giving my attention to my own enemy - my own self judgement, I slowed my process of change down as I didn't directly and immediately moved to the correction.

 

Where am I going with this - I realized that if anything, 'self judgement' is unacceptable as it is not in fact assisting and supporting me to expand and empower myself but quite to the contrary - it is limiting my self-expansion growth. So, why have I allowed self judgement to exists within and as me thus far - that is because I have valued myself according to outcomes in separation of myself instead of being humble and patient with myself within the realization that self-value is defined by who I am in how I stand up within myself when/as misalignment is showing itself as a physical outcome.

 

Thus, I commit myself to physically integrate self value within myself through accumulation of moments where I prove to myself that I've corrected and change a point/pattern that was existent within myself. Within this, when/as I see that a change was not yet been absolute as a living expression of myself, I stop, I look, I investigate, align, and move to the next moment where I will physically assess and test my living application.

Reactions as a window of Opportunity for self Intimacy - Day 310

I realized today a fascinating thing about reactions as Judgement and Blame - what we judge about the other was always there meaning - their behaviour never changed or their thought patterns are always the same but only when we perceive that their behaviour or thought pattern may Harm us in any way whatsoever we then react to it Judgement, Blame, Resentment and so on.

 

Like for example, let's say that you work in a 2 floor office where your colleagues and you are divided to 2 floors. You are all in a way responsible for certain projects but each has their own responsibility. As long as you don't see what they do, there won't be any thoughts/backchats running around in your mind however, the moment you become aware of their doing, and you perceive that what they do would harm you in a way, you'll then develop backchats about them and judge/blame them within and as your mind.

 

So even though these people behaved/acted the same previous to your awareness of that, you only started to judge and blame them when you became aware of it and only because you perceived that their behaviour is unacceptable and may cause harm to you or others which compromised your self interest, you reacted.

 

In this scenario, the Reaction is what actually Compromised not only you but also your peers because if you noticed a point that require correction but instead of effectively directing it and come to a point of correction, you reacted to it and the problem persists.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge another when I Perceive through my own Physical eyes that they are doing something that is not acceptable according to the set of Norms that I've Encrypted within and as myself, set of norms that I've installed and lived as, in separation from myself without any consideration or regards to the validity of these Norms that I've accepted and allowed blindly as myself.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I judge is that which I 'Feel' that would threaten my Self Interest, because otherwise, if I would have seen a point that is not best for all, I would have been directing it within self trust and stability but the fact that I've reacted in judgement and/or Blame indicate a point within and as myself that I overlooked and haven't sort out yet.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the pattern or the point that I judged in another, was something that didn't quantimaly manifested but was always there only now, I became 'aware' of it because it interfere with my self interest which then thus, activated a personality system within and as myself through which I accepted and allowed myself to react instead of Direct and Correct.

 

In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that reacting to such point/pattern instead of directing them indicate that I've accepted and allowed my own process of compromised application as well as the Process of another because I haven't realize that as long as I accept and allow myself to react instead of clearing myself from these Energies,  stand in stability and clarity and assist and support the other to see one's participation of that which is not standing in alignment to what is best for all, I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise not only myself within my initial reaction but also the other as I've not stood as an example and as a pillar of support.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to question why is it that I only react to what I'm aware of while the point was always there regardless my awareness of its existence and within that, how is it that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to knowledge and information in terms of, reacting to what I became aware of instead of standing in stability in ever moment of breath? In this, how is it that I've accepted and allowed myself to change my entire behaviour through reactions to new pieces of Information that I've either heard/read/seen and thus, why it is that something outside of myself moves me and my entire expression?

 

I commit myself to further investigate the point of reactions as a design as I now see, realize and understand that there much more to it than what meets the eyes.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself reacting, to flag the point and use this window of opportunity to get to know myself more, to be able to transcend such points wherein nothing separated from me would move and change me but rather I stand as the directive principle in every moment of each breath.

 

I commit myself to investigate why it is that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to knowledge and information in terms of, reacting to what I became aware of instead of standing in stability in ever moment of breath? In this, how is it that I've accepted and allowed myself to change my entire behaviour through reactions to new pieces of Information that I've either heard/read/seen and thus, why it is that something outside of myself moves me and my entire expression?