Expecting the worst - Day 49

Art by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

Art by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

This a continuation for my blog post from yesterday - Lost in the Future - Day 48

I forgive myself that I've accepted allowed myself to dramatize and make things bigger in my head and always expecting for the worst to happened and I have failed to realize that within walking breath by breath and facing everything that comes on my way within stability and calmness, I'm able to direct myself effectively and make decisions that has actual physical ground instead of trying and attempting to make decisions that are based on reactions of fear that do not support me or anyone else.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to always think and believe that things will get worse and thus, I must prepare myself for each scenario that might emerge and I haven't considered that by those very thoughts, I'm actually creating the way before me for the worst out come that I will face instead of taking the responsibility to write it down for myself and see what is able to be faced, correct and walked and to stop the creation of unnecessary consequences.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of participating in the dramatized thoughts, reactions, feelings and emotions in my mind and thus, instead of focusing on the things that I can change, I'm being occupied in my mind in irrelevant thoughts and within that, denying myself the opportunity to direct, move and walk myself breath by breath in absolute self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to instead of enjoying that which is here, to hold on the thoughts of: "it soon going to be over and I'm going to be disappointed so I better not allow myself to make the utmost of it" and I simply wait impatient for stuff to get worse. Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences that I'm creating through accessing my mind and always waiting for the worse to happen because I have failed to realize how the mind works, how creation works and my responsibility within it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself in a moment where things are actually getting worse, to panic and react in fear and instead of breathing, slowing myself down and look at the equations, I allowed myself to access my mind within the belief that I can make it work if I think about gateways to avoid that which is here for me to face, that which I've created in my own hands (or minds lol) and sort the shit out for once and for all instead of going time after time in a cycle that leads to no where; a time loop.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to - within a relationship/agreement, to always fear that the relationship/agreement will fail and I'll get hurt and thus, I compromise and mould myself within several personalities that which one of them can give me a fake security and yet, I haven't realized that the very fear of ending the relationship/agreement will manifest itself for me to be able to face, stand up and clear myself from the dependency that I've created in separation of me, regardless of how many personalities I will create to be able to maintain the relationship agreement.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create Dramas in my life so that I could align myself with my friends within the starting point of having something to share/talk about and be the one that things happened to her so that I could get attention from my friends and within that I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider the harm and abuse that I'm causing to myself and my human physical body within the drama creation only for feeling a part of a friendship relationship without realizing that if I require drama to sustain my relationships in my life, what value the relationship hold? Why am I allowing myself to participate in relationship where I require to supply dramatic stories to spice up the communication and I haven't allowed myself to establish supportive communication where instead of creating a mind reality, we assist and support each other to create a physical reality that is based on the principle of that which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define dramatized life as interesting and thus, when friends shared with me all the dramas that are happening in their life, I've judged my life as boring and I haven't realized that within that moment of judgement, I've made the decision to create dramas which than, I took myself to places that was literally unnecessary to walk  for the sake of having 'interesting Life experience' without any consideration of the consequences, the outflows and the prices that I will pay for my decision.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define 'Drama' within the experience of feeling alive and I have failed to see that living in my mind within the drama creations is in no way a form of LIFE  but in fact, a form of self abuse.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to worry about the future and expect the worst to happened and thus, instead of speaking and standing up and direct the point, I allowed myself to backchat in my mind within the attempt of figuring out a solution and I haven't considered that a solution must be physical and practical and it will not be magically fixed if I continue thinking about it without doing something about it - either within myself through writing and SF if the point doesn't have a physical ground to it or through communicating the point and ask for assistance if the point can be physically directed.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that the real and physical Drama that exists is of those who have nothing to eat and no where to live while I'm busy occupying myself in my mind within my own created Drama and I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to= while being preoccupied in my mind within self creating Drama, I've ignore, disregarded or considered the real Drama of this physical realty.

I commit myself to stop the Drama in my mind and to stop creating unnecessary Drama in my physical LIFE.

I commit myself to develop and establish relationships that are not based on Drama but rather based on supportive communication within the principle of that which is best for all.

I commit myself to stop existing in the future within the pattern of expecting for the worst to happened and to walk myself breath by breath, Here - face, direct and correct that which required to be faced.

I commit myself to stop looking for Drama as a pattern that I've programmed myself throughout my life and instead simply walk in self trust because I am more than capable to walk breath by breath and face my own self creation within a process of stopping pattern by pattern until I'm absolutely here, as a living physical expression.

I commit myself to show the difference between mind created drama and a physical drama to assist those who are busy in their mind to step out of it to be able to stand up and correct the real drama that exists in this world which requires immediate consideration and correction.

 

I commit myself to assist and support with those who dare facing and change themselves and that which they have become in their process of stopping their patterns one by one, breath by breath.

I commit myself to show and explain in details how and why we have separated ourselves from all that is here into our own little bubble of the mind within thoughts, emotions and feelings and show by example how to assist and support oneself within taking responsibility for one's mind, stop patterns, align oneself to oneself in equality and oneness and to finally live a life that is not determined by the mind but is walked in alignment with and as the physical.

Inadequacy, failure and self judgement - part 1 - Day 30

Art by Andrew Gable

Ok, so there where 4 points that I wanted to look at and walk the self forgiveness today and I couldn't see clearly neither of them. I started writing about one point and I stopped. Than I tried to write about another point but I saw that I'm forcing myself into realization that is based on knowledge and information and not truly seeing the point for myself which was also a point of self judgement because I did write, I did applied myself but I followed my mind telling me that I'm not good enough and my realizations are not real. So I decided to follow my mind and stop the writing. However, than overwhelmingness emerge and I access emotions of self judgment, inadequacy and failure for not being able to walk through points because according to the idea that I've created in my mind, I should be more than capable to walk through any point that I would like to take on but what I've missed was that I am able to walk through the point, if I give myself the permission to see through the points instead of following my mind that tells me that I can't.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access emotion of inadequacy and failure through comparing myself to an idea of what I should be and whom should I be when writing my Self Forgiveness because the idea of me didn't meet with the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to miss a breath through allowing myself to judge myself as inadequate and failure and within that perpetuate the power that I allowed my mind to direct, control and enslave me instead of not accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind telling me that I'm a failure and become the directive principle within self trust.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself instead of embracing me and giving me the time and space within self patience to walk my process of getting myself back here by stepping out of my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to an idea of me that I've created through comparison to other being in my world who I see as more effective than me instead of realizing that I'm walking my own process that has nothing to do with anyone else and comparing myself to others won't make the process any more easier and thus, it's unpractical and irrelevant and in fact, a form of self abuse and I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to utilize self judgement as evaluation for myself so instead of supporting myself I've diminished myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access overwhelming when a few points to investigate and walk through are here and instead of walking one point at a time with self trust and self commitment, I gave in to my mind that told me that I'm a failure for not being able to walk through the points effectively.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to approach the points within the starting point of fixing the problem and thus, tried to superimpose the correction without practically walking each point at a time line and within that, became stiff and hard on myself instead of STOPPING and see what is the real point that is playing out and simply be gentle with myself and walk through it one step at a time, one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed an idea of me to be my directive principle and thus, I haven't realize that I'm trying to define myself according to how I present myself instead of practically assist and support myself with walking in humbleness and gentleness in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that if I write about a point then I'm done and when time pass by and I realized that the point is still here as another layer/dimension that I've not seen before, than I'm a failure and inadequate because I fall on the same pattern instead of simply take the point deeper in my application and allow myself to see that which I've missed before and simply walk the practical living application in breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated when not seeing a point in its totality but I've failed to see that I didn't absolutely allow myself to see the point and gave myself the permission to see the point and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within the belief that I'm not seeing the point even if I want to see the point because within wanting to see the point, there is a energetic desire and it is not absolute permission to actually see the point and I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that wanting to see the point isn't to give myself the permission and the allowance to see the point because within want, there is a hidden agenda of wanting to define myself as more than.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see that I'm comparing my process to other people processes within the starting point of wanting to be the "best in class" - to be the person that everyone are looking up to  and within that, sabotaged and compromised myself through having the starting point being based on others instead of having the starting point based on me, based on assisting and supporting me.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to trust BREATH and through that trust make a commitment and a decision to remain in breath but instead, gave myself excuses and justification for why I have to walk a process to get myself to breath even though the obvious is here - I'm breathing HERE and I trust my breathing here and all I've got to do is breathe!

Art by Andrew Gable

So, I commit myself TO be gentle with myself, be humble with myself and respect and worthy myself in every moment of every breath and within that, not accepting and allowing myself to suck into emotions and feelings and thus, I commit myself to BREATHE and to realize that if I miss a breath, I stand up and return to breath.

I commit myself to walk points according to a timeline and not allowing myself to access overwhelmingness because it is a self manipulation in a form of excuses and justification for why I cannot simply breathe and bring myself back to myself.

I commit myself to stop all judgement because I realize it is not serving me or anyone else. I commit myself to instead evaluate myself in every moment and question myself, my acceptance and allowances and direct each and every moment in absolute self trust as Breath, point by point by point.

I commit myself to stop comparing my process to other being processes as I realize that I'm walking my own process that has nothing to do with other people. I realize that walking process isn't a competition and that the final step will be when everyone have walked their processes.

I commit myself to stop competition, comparison and jealousy and walk myself in breath.

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to other people.

I commit myself to myself.