A Woman's Journey to Life: Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1

This is a continuation to:

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the reaction I am experiencing when and as someone sees me naked wherein, from the day I was born, I've been wearing clothes on my body, covering my body and through this, creating the perception that only clothes on the body is validated and naked is extremely wrong. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize how I've been programming myself to believe that I must wear clothes all the time so that no one would ever sees my naked body and this imprint that I've installed within me, has influence my sexuality as being uncomfortable with my naked human physical body either with myself or with my partner.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the extent of programming that I've inserted within and as myself wherein, if I'm taking a shower or changing clothes and someone mistakably enter the room, I would immediate react and cover myself so that no one would ever see me naked.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate a naked body with SHYness and accordingly, I made sure that no one will see me fully naked and in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of SHYness within and as me in relation to being naked because according to society/culture norms and codes, being naked is something that is not acceptable and one must feel ashamed and shy when one is naked around other human beings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only time sex is allowed and validated is when it's dark and accordingly, I've made the connection that sex can only be done when the lights are off.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with backchat when and as I'm having sex, just before we start the act, to always make sure that when I'll be naked, the lights are off so my partner would not be able to see me or to be more specific, my naked human physical body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize how and why I've become so separated from myself as my human physical body, to the extent of which I feel uncomfortable being naked with my partner, not to mention, with myself.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to SEE the extent of the brainwashing within the Adam, Eve and the Snake story which I was taught in a very young age and I haven't realize the snake represent the MIND, as the knowledge and information we give value to, and only through the mind, we formulate all kinds and types of ideas/beliefs/opinions that limit our physical expression as we then start experiencing and living our lives from/as the MIND, in absolute separation from WHO we are as a living physical human beings. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give value to the Adam, Eve and the Snake story as my morality that will dictate me to cover my human physical body with clothes because otherwise, it's immoral, wrong and forbidden.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to SEE, realize and understand that my need of having sex in the Dark isn't Normal, despite of 60% or more of the people in this world preferring having sex in the dark and in this, I forgive myself that I've validated my preference of having sex in the dark through justifying it within myself as normal, and everyone are having sex in dark, Not seeing, realizing and understanding the extent of the separation I'm accepting and allowing within and as myself, to not only hide myself and my human physical body but to also lie to myself through justifications and excuses so that I won't have to investigate WHY and HOW I've accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my human physical body and accordingly change, be intimate with myself as well as my partner.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the relationship between my need to have sex in the dark and my perception of myself as my human physical body wherein, I've created ideas and opinions about how I look in comparison to a picture I've stored in my mind as how I should look and so long as the picture in my mind doesn't match to my human physical body appearance, I would judge and do what ever it takes to hide my naked physical human body and accordingly, develop the "preference" to have sex in the dark.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to develop my sexual position preference according to how my body looks like and due to the extent of self judgement with regards to my human physical body appearance, I've limited my sexuality and my exploration of who I am within my sexuality according to how my body would look like instead of what I, as my body, physically prefer, regardless how my body looks like in various positions.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be intimate with myself and accordingly, with my partner because I've limited my sexuality within the ideas and judgements I hold onto my human physical body appearance and accordingly, haven't accepted and allowed myself to explore, investigate and enjoy a physical expression within and as sex.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that we are NOT living in a Photoshop world where everyone looks so perfect and shaped as what I see on the magazines and TV and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that only if I would look perfect according to my eye's view, I could allow myself to explore my sexuality with my partner and be open with my sexuality as I could exposed my naked perfectly shaped physical body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and think while having sex with my partner, that he would judge my human physical body and accordingly, would decide to leave me and find someone else to be with, someone who looks better than me and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my sexual expression to a limited types of positions that would ensure my human physical body would still look sexy so that my partner wouldn't be frustrated that he is stuck with me while being able to be with other perfectly shaped women.

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness - Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments - Day 117

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119