Continuing with my
previous blogs where I ended off with:
"…In my next blog, I will open up the source of
the sadness that I experienced before and after I met him and go into the
specificity of why is it that in my mind, I separated myself from genuine self
expression by associating expressions with different environments / people
instead of realizing that Self-Expression is a decision that one is making in a
moment of breath as who one is. In this also, why with not understanding what
self expression is as a genuine expression of oneself, we project certain
expressions onto others within the belief that they give us these expressions
and without them, we cannot express that which we want to express and how this
contribute to the Hope and Depression cycles…"
For context, please
also read:
When I started
writing this blog series, I had a clear idea as to where am I going with the
blogs - opening up the dimension of hope and depression in the context of
relationship and self expressions but what opened up was actually something
else:
In exploring the
time line of before, during and after the break up, I noticed for the first
time that the sadness that I experienced before I met this guy was actually
always there but very subtle, there was no energy in it and that was something
that I never seriously looked at before as I gave more value to the intensity
of the sadness that I experienced after the break up. When I went further into
the substance of what that subtle sadness was, I saw that it was actually a
'sorrow' in the sense always seeing my potential and yet, not living to my
utmost potential.
In a way, I accepted
the core sorrow that I've been always aware of, as normal, because it had
always been a part of me, from a very young age so I didn't know anything else.
Interestingly enough, the day I met my ex-partner was the day that I started looking
at this core sorrow though before I got to the reality of it, I was already in
a relationship, completely distracted from what I was looking at and that was
where I actually missed the whole point and accessed a decade of time loop.
So what I started
opening up with myself in going back to this one day where I missed the point
of 'sorrow' was as follows: in the physical reality, what actually happened was
that I was never satisfied with how I moved myself in my reality because I always
allowed external forces to direct me instead of me, in self honesty, deciding
for myself who I am and what I want to live as/by. I defined myself as
disempowered to direct my own reality and I blamed my environment and the
people I was with as if they forced me to inferiority, insecurity, limited and
disempowered expressions. This was as far as I could see that day in Thailand,
when I made the decision to jump into a relationship with him as for a glimpse
of a moment, I saw 'joy' coming out of me which I mistakenly connected with him
being my partner.
Why am I saying
'glimpse of a moment' - here, self-honesty must be looked at as well, and when
I am placing myself in my own shoes - even with the mind joy that I was exposed
to while we were still together, on the deeper level, there was always a part of
me that was like almost dead inside as if there was no life force in me, real
sorrow which I didn't understand until recently. I mean, really in self
honesty, I knew.. I knew what I was doing to myself but I allowed and
consciously choose the mind reality to take over, hoping that things will
change and I would live happily ever after with him.
Back to the point -
what I found was a very strong belief that I had no power to decide who I am
and what I would like to create for myself in this physical reality; that I
cannot stand as my own directive principle within the environments that I was
in as my power to direct is dependent on another's approval of me. that was why
I was always looking for different environments and from a very young age, I
was working and saving money to travel the world by myself, hoping to find the
people/places where I can express myself. But no matter where I go and what
people I was with, I never expressed me, the real me and I never understood
WHY.
See the thing is,
there was always a part of me who knew that I have the potential to become that
which I saw myself able to become; that which I wanted to become; but I felt
that I was stopped and believed it was my environment that was holding me back; so as long as I didn't live and express
myself to my utmost potential and actually directed myself as how I saw me
moving myself in my reality, the sorrow was sitting in the depth of my
beingness as if I am locked in a prison but at the same time, having in the
palm of my hands the keys to my freedom. Meaning, the sorrow was on a beingness
level, in knowing that I am the one prisoning myself in my own mind, in my own
body and believing that I do not have the power to create and direct myself and
my environment according to who I am, who I want to be and express, yet,
knowing that this belief isn't real and that I actually can. This is why the
core sorrow always followed me throughout my whole life, even slightly today as
I haven't fully really ever created and directed myself, never really fully
investigated who I am and what is it that I would like to create for myself
within the realm of self-honesty as the principles I committed myself to live
as/by.
When dropping the
belief that I am unable to decide who I am, I started understanding the
design/signature of the program that this belief consists of where what
starting to be more clear is the living application of the realization that no
one can do anything for, to or as me and therefore, no one can pull me out of
my own created mind-misery that I defined and placed myself at, but it is me
who have to create and move myself and thus live to my utmost potential that I
see existing in me.
Fortunately, there
was once someone in my life who showed me my ability and strength to create
myself for myself and in that, break through the prison's walls that I have
built inside myself. As long as he was here, I didn't experience that deep
sorrow as with him and what he stood for - he didn't accept anything less than
living to your upmost potential and he stood as a constant reminder and support
for many of us.
When this person
died, I for a moment "forgot" what he had shown me and I fell again
to the pattern of wanting someone else to pull me out of my prison and direct
my reality for me. With his death, the sorrow emerged again and it took me
awhile to "remember" that which he had shown me, my potential and my
ability to support myself to live to my utmost potential as a living expression
of myself.
This person stood as
a living example of the potential that we can become but on many levels, I
wasn't yet willing to stand on my own two feet and become my own directive
principle. For a very long time I was sad and angry at him passing away before
I stood as my own directive principle but if anything, I now realize more than
ever that his death, was the best thing that he could have done for me, as it
forced me to stand up, to become the potential that he had shown us.
The correction here
is to realize and physically live the realization that - I am my own creator
and who I am is based on who I create myself to be and become in every given
moment, in consideration of the interdependency connection with everything that
is here. Meaning, being your own creator, your own directive principle, doesn't
mean that you are almighty god without any physical limitations. One must
consider other people in one's reality, consider time and space, consider
potential consequences and so forth, consider everything that is 'here'. This I
will expand more in future blogs as I walk these points for myself.
To bring this blog
series into completion, we have to understand that hope, sadness, sorrow,
depression, joy, etc as experiences that we are facing, can only exists when
one is not standing as one's directive principle, it can only exists when one
is abdicating one's responsibility to stand, investigate in self-honesty,
create and direct oneself in one's reality where one is no longer for example
passive, in awaiting mode but one is actually active in moving and expressing
oneself based on the physical reality that one is a part of.
We made
relationships in our mind as something that is separate from ourselves without
realizing that the core relationship is with ourselves first, where we develop
our own directive principle from which we can expand and physically walk with
another. Thus, it is time to invert relationships back to ourselves where our
primary and core relationship is with ourselves and only then, we would find
the truth of ourselves, our unique self expression that is a creation of
ourselves as the decisions that we make for ourselves in every given moment.
--
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