How fear can control your life (Part two) - Day 483

This is a continuation from my previous blog where I left of with:

 

"Though, as I said before, another layer opened up this time where I was able to see the real reason of why I broke up with him and how through this decision, I compromised myself and my relationships with men ever since.

This I will continue sharing in my next blog post. "

 

What actually happened was that we started talking about sleeping over at each other's houses but that was something that my parents didn't approve while his parents didn't have issues with the point. One weekend, my parents were away and I planned to use that window to sleep over at his place - everything was prepared and we were about to go back to his place after a dinner party we were invited to but at the last moment, I couldn't pull it through. Meaning, I couldn't do it knowing that I am lying to my parents. Obviously, I felt embarrassed about the whole thing because I didn't want anyone to know why I changed my mind - it made me feel weak inside myself. In that very moment of feeling embarrassed and weak, I had a sharp pain in my stomach which I then consciously amplified so that at least I won't have to lie to my boyfriend that I prefer sleeping in my cousin's house in case the pain get worse and I will need her support. In essence, sleeping at my cousin's house was the 'story' that I told my parents so with manifesting the 'story' in the physical reality, I could calm myself down as I no longer participated in a lie but actually did what I told my parents I would do.

 

Understand also that neither of us at that stage had sex before and it was something that started to be 'here' from the perspective of where we were going with our relationship. Even though we didn't plan of having sex that night, on many levels I was ready to express myself  with him and I was uncertain where the night would lead to if I would to sleep over at his house.

I was in a huge conflict about it because on the one hand, I wanted to express myself with him but on the other hand, my parents' disapproval clouded my mind - I couldn't stop seeing my parents' face if they would to know that I am even considering having sex for the first time, nevertheless, if I would lie about it.

 

When I imagined having sex for the first time, I wanted it to be special, with a guy that loved me and that I could trust; with someone that is interested in me, in who I am, rather than just interested in having sex and/or in my body. Theoretically, having sex for the first time with my partner should have been the 'right' thing to do as this partner stood as everything I ever wanted from a partner. But as long as my parents would not have approved the fact that I am sexually active, I couldn't do it and for my parents to be ok with that, it meant that I had to face them and that was something that I was not yet ready to do - the fear about even speaking with them about sex was overwhelming.

 

I wasn't ready to face the consequences of becoming sexually active in my parents' eyes - just the thought about how they would see and define me was not something I could 'live' with nonetheless how they would see and define my partner - whether they will be willing to accept him in our house, whether they would be disappointed at me or him, whether I will still be the favorite child - these were just the tip of the iceberg when it came to my inner thoughts about this whole point.

 

I didn't know how to handle these thoughts and I felt that I had no one to talk to about this - none of my friends faced this point before and my relationship with my siblings wasn't intimate enough for me to ask for their advice. Obviously I did not communicate this point with my partner because I didn't want him to know that my parents have so much control over me in my own mind; so, I did what I knew to do best - when there was a problem in my life, I would just ignore it and walk away instead of facing the problem and finding solutions that would support me and people in my environment. So... I broke up with him as that was the only solution that I could think of to quiet my mind and maintain my relationship with my parents intact.

 

It took everything that I've got to block my feelings towards him and apparently, I mastered the point so effectively that after a few days, I didn’t feel a thing, my heart was cold so to speak, I was "over" the whole thing, as if he was a complete stranger. So much so that even with him 'fighting' for the relationship and doing everything that he could possibly do to 'win' me back, I was too far gone in my mind, not willing to accept and see everything he had said.

 

Understand that all of these thoughts and fears where not in my conscious mind - I was not even willing to admit it to myself. This is why I fabricated alternate reality for myself where I justified the break up with saying to myself that the relationship is too boring and that I need more excitement in my life. I suppressed everything to fast and so deep that I actually believed myself that exciting relationship was what I needed lol so,  I went off, opting for exciting relationship and for years, in many ways, I led myself to destructive consequences that could have been prevented if only I allowed myself to face my fears and communicate the points openly with my parents.

 

Will continue in my next blog.