Living 'Direction' as a Living Word - Day 467

This is a continuation to my recent blogs From Limitation to Direction - Day 465 and The start of 'Direction' as a living expression - Day 466. I strongly suggest that if you haven't already, read through these 2 blogs for context to this blog post.

 

So, I made the commitment to start my process of 'Direction' and within that, accepting that it would be a learning curve through a moment by moment living application. 'Learning curve', from the dimension that I was not pre-programmed to 'Direct' in how I am assisting and supporting myself in becoming a living expression of 'Direction' as a living principle of 'What is best for all' ; my pre-program design of  'direct' myself/people/situations was according to a self interest starting point, in fulfilling my wants/needs/desires. Within this thus, I realized that It is a process of Creation - creating within and as myself, 'Direction' as a living word, a living expression of myself which is created through/by  accumulation of moment by moment living application of 'Direction'.

 

The night of publishing the blog: From Limitation to Direction - Day 465, I couldn't sleep, I was fully awake, restless; Without my awareness, I accessed a point of limitation again where in my mind, I would blame another for not directing a point that I asked them to direct for me because I saw myself as unauthorized or powerless in directing a specific point. Here, I noticed that there is a problem because just a few hours ago I have made an agreement with myself to start my process of 'Direction' and yet again, I was falling into the pre-program design of blaming another for not directing points for me.

 

Initially, when I saw that I accessed the pattern again, I stood up from within myself and said: "No, this is bullshit- I see where the 'urge' of blaming another is coming from, I see that I require to direct the point myself but this can wait for tomorrow  because it is time to sleep now". BUT - nope, I was still very much awake.

 

Then a memory came up - my father once told me that when solving a mathematical equation, drawing the question leads to half of the solution; I also remembered how Bernard used to show us how to present to others that which he was speaking about. Meaning, while he was presenting a new concept or a new direction, he would also draw his words on a piece of paper as a way of ensuring that everyone has a tangible understanding of that which he was speaking about.

 

So I got up, took my note book and started to organize my thoughts by drawing the structure as a solution that I was looking at - I wanted to assess if what I saw in my mind does actually make sense in the physical reality on a practical level. I enjoyed the drawing part - it was like getting a new puzzle and now I had to match the pieces and put them in the right location. When I was done, I was pretty satisfied because I was now ready to present the solution that I was seeing to the group I was working with and within that, to finally direct the point to its upmost potential. At that stage, I could put my body to rest.

 

The  next day, I presented the point to the group and everyone were clear and could follow the flow charts that I drew and at the end of my presentation,  we were all on the same page,  a decision was made immediately and taaaa daaaa - a point of direction that I was struggling with for so long,  was now structured and directed. 

 

What I realized from this event is the following:

In the past, when I asked someone to direct points for me, I was basically stating within myself that I'm limited, powerless and inadequate in being able to stand as the point of direction. However, what I haven't realized before was that the only reason why I 'felt' this way was because the 'direction' was not clearly defined within myself and instead of taking responsibility and clearly define the direction within myself, I shifted the responsibility towards another to figure out how to direct a specific point which within that, I believed that I won't be accountable for the manifested outflows. Here obviously, there are many other dimensions involved whereas for instance, it is 'easier' to ask someone else to find a way to direct a point because if the direction will not manifest to best outcome, I could blame the other for the decision that they made in how they  directed a specific point. I will expand about this points more in one of the next blogs to come.

Thus, the practical correction here - When and as I see myself going to another expecting them to direct a point that I see required to be directed, I stop, I take a breath in and I remind myself that I haven't clearly defined the direction within myself and therefore, instead of looking for solutions outside of myself, I place 'Direction' within and as me and until the solution presents itself and clearly defined within myself.

Within the example above,  holding the information in my brain was not sufficient as I didn't stand equal and one to the information and therefore, the correction here was to bring all  the information 'here' and draw everything on a piece of paper to visually see the time lines in the physical reality and how everything can practically come together to manifest the best outcome.

This is not an absolute point wherein, sometimes I may not see all the information and therefore, won't be able to utilize the tool of drawing to structure the information effectively. Within my process of 'Direction', I may find that there are other tools that I am able to utilize to assist and support myself to express the direction that I see fit. There would also be times where I self honestly won't see any practical solution/direction, I then commit myself to discuss with the other the problem that I am seeing and through communication, we utilize the power of 2 or more in my name as we together look for solutions/directions that we are able to stand as.

 

And with how process works - when one point is walked, the next point opens up for one to walk - so stay tuned as I continue sharing the process of 'Direction'.

 

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Art work - Dottie Gleason

When a past Memory possess you - Day 432

 A few weeks ago, I was invited to participate in a Zulu Radio show to discuss some issues about Education. While I was sitting in the recording room, 5 min before I was aired, a memory came up and in a matter of a moment, I allowed myself to be possessed by the memory and  the energies this memory was based on and therefore, the consequences were not late to manifest.

 

The memory that came up was from when I was 12 years old or so - I won in a TV game that I played from home and because I was the first one to win the game, I was invited to be interviewed in the TV studio on a LIVE show. In a nutshell, I was petrified from the event and I couldn't handle the experience very well. The thoughts of being on a LIVE TV was overwhelming. During the show, I felt so uncomfortable inside myself that my facial muscles started to twitch and as it happened, self judgment kicked in and I was absolutely embarrassed. I hadn't thought about this memory for years now until it was 5 or less min before I was aired and suddenly, this memory possessed me and all the energy I suppressed for 20 years came up at once and as I was busy with alignments (Self Forgiveness, breathing), it was time for me to start speaking BUT, I wasn't done with my corrective application and so - I started to speak while being possessed with the energy of the past memory.

 

Everything was moving fast, I had 7 min to speak even though the plan was for me to speak for 15 min and therefore, as I was busy with my correction, I was also required to speak and on top of that, to make it in half of the time that I had prepared myself for.

 

I'm grateful that Gian was with me and could support me to stabilize myself. The first thing he had told me after the show was "Stop! Don't say a word". That allowed me to have a moment to investigate what just happened and so I saw the entire play out of how one single memory took over, the moment I missed a breath. With the words: "Stop, don't say a word", I could quickly move from the self judgment mode to a self empowerment application where I realized that: "Ok, so this just happened, it's done, the show cannot be changed; so what can I learn from this event and how I can practically assist and support myself to prevent such events in the future?".

 

The reason why I shared with you this point was to make us all aware of how, we, in a split of a moment, miss a breath and allow a past memory to control and direct our living application. The example I shared here is an apparent example that was visible, noticeable and consequential however, realize and understand that in every moment that we miss a breath, we, in that moment allow past events to control and direct our living application. In many situations, we are not even aware of such memories and how these memories play a role within the words we speak and the actions we take. 

This can be prevented in time, as one walk one's process of self awareness in self honesty and thus I invite you to take the first step to better understanding your mind through the FREE online course - DIP Lite.

 

Thanks

The Mastery of Memories Manipulation - Day 426

A few days ago, Gian and I were talking about Physical Integration and we were looking at ways to explain the concept of 'Physical Integration' to someone who have never heard about it before. So we were playing with the point and Gian asked me to use my imagination and go back to my first driving lesson and so I did - I went back to my first driving lesson and "re-lived" the memory within and as myself.

 

Now, for context - My first driving lesson was in Israel where we drive on the right side of the road and the wheel is at the left side of the car. In the past few years, I've been living in South Africa and here we drive on the left side of the road and the wheel is at the right side of the car.

 

When I accessed the memory of my first driving lesson, a fascinating thing happened - as Gian took me through the time line and I was experienced myself in my first driving lesson, I remembered how my driving teacher in an instant of a moment asked me to change from second to third gear and I could remember the specifics of how I felt insecure because I never done is before and I remembered how I looked at the gear with confusion of "what now?!" and as I was looking at the gear and at my teacher - I realized: "Hey, there is something wrong with this memory" -  I was driving on the left side of the road, the wheel was at the right side of the car and my driving teacher was sitting to my left side.

In that moment when the teacher asked me to change gears and I was looking at the gear and then at him - I was looking at the gear from the right side of the car and then looked at my driving teacher who set to my left. Physically, it is not possible when you drive in Israel.

 

As I've mentioned, the memory was very vivid, even though it was 16 years ago; I believed that I literally accessed the specifics of that moment, what I felt, what I did, how I experienced myself and so forth. I could swear that this was exactly what happened in that moment and yet - it was not; because the positioning of me, the road, the wheel, the gear and the driving teacher were completely opposite to the physical reality where there is absolute certainty that I drove on the right side of the road while sitting on the left side of the car, the gear was to my right as well as the driving teacher.

 

What is showing here is an example of how we unconsciously manipulate our memories. In this specific scenario, I manipulated the memory to fit with my current environment where I adopted the positioning of driving in my memory to how it is done in South Africa.  Fascinating enough, I just checked by accessing the memory of driving for the first time again I still see myself driving the opposite from how I drove in the physical reality.

 

This raise the question - can we really trust our memories? How can we be certain that we haven't manipulate our memories in other instances? How can we be certain that what we remember is what was? How many times we experienced a friction with others because we absolutely believe that we remember something while the other is absolutely convinced that they remember something else?

 

This is a very good example for us to take a moment to revisit our blind belief in our own memories because obviously, the example that I shared here clearly show that there is a manipulation going on within ourselves without us even being aware of it. The next question is - if we cannot trust our own memories, what can we trust? This is a big question with a very simple answer - we can only trust that which is here. What does it practically implies? This will be a blog series by itself…

 

(Physical integration in a nutshell  - when we no longer have to think about what we do but trust our natural ability to do something. So for example - how for instance we didn't know how to drive a car the first time we were taught to drive a car but over the years and with physical repetition of driving, we can now drive home without having to think about all the physical movements we require to do like for example, changing gears, checks the mirrors, push the gas pedal, clutch pedal and so forth - all of that is done by us automatically without a conscious thinking about what we need to do when driving a car)

 

 

 

Learning to Accept myself - Practical Application (Part 2) Day 412

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto ONE memory through which I've judged myself and accordingly, through and within a reaction, made a commitment within and as myself that I will continue to compromise myself within my relationships with others so that I won't have to face the same memory again, not realizing and understanding that making such decision/commitment within and through a reaction is detrimental as I consequentially sabotaged myself and my relationships with others without investigating ALL things and within that, directing myself effectively within the principle of Prevention is the best cure but rather, I accepted and allowed myself to exists within the principle of Reaction as my directive living power.

 

I thus commit myself to when and as an automated behavior is coming up from within me where I would make unconscious decision to compromise and sabotage myself within my relationships to others, to then, stop, investigate, look at the time lines, the memories and past relationships and to accordingly, move and direct myself according to what is best, within the principle of transforming reactions to corrections.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the way that I live relationships with other human beings in my life is a direct result of the accumulative patterns that I've structured myself  within my relationships with others throughout my life. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Investigate the source/Core/Reasons for why I am forming Dysfunctional relationships in my life and in doing so, recreating dysfunctional relationships and accordingly, change and correct myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within my relationships to others and to then thus, establish effective and supportive relationships with other human beings in this world.

 

Thus, I commit myself to investigate who I am in relation to my relationships with other humans beings, what was my starting point within the relationships, what energies I form within these relationships, what is the force that I direct myself within the relationships, etc. and as I investigate each and each all parts of myself in relation to my relationships with others, I then Keep that which is best for all and realign that which do not stand in alignment to the principle I have committed myself to live as.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from that which I've judged myself  as, as I see, realize and understand that so long that I judged parts of myself that I dislike in relation to the relationships with other human beings, I separate myself from myself within the attempt to suppress that which I judged myself for, while all along, I recreate the same patterns that I've judged myself for and recreated the same problems as I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the solution is within self honesty, the solution is within allowing myself to truly investigate that which I've became in separation of myself and to then stand as a living correction, as a foundation through which I could develop and establish effective relationships with other human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realized how I took ONE event, ONE moment, ONE point and made it so big within my mind as if this ONE point is absolute and real and pertain to everything and everyone else without investigating who I am within this ONE point/memory/event, what was the TIME LINE that led to this one point, what can I learn about myself and others from this ONE point and so forth. Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that defining myself and my relationships upon ONE single point is counterproductive within the understanding that ONE point doesn't stand alone as one point in space/time as this was created over time by accumulated moments by moments and within that, I haven't realized that looking at only this one point and disregarding everything that had accumulated into this one point is quite a consequential.

 

Thus, I commit myself to expand the way I investigate points, insist on the time line, on the moments by moments that had led to a consequential outcome. I commit myself to push myself to look at ALL things and keep that which is best for all as a living expression of myself. In this, I commit myself to when and as I react to what I perceive to be 'ONE' point, to remind myself that a reaction is bases on accumulative moments that I haven't directed myself effectively and thus, I stand within self responsibility and investigate the time line that had led me to react within and as myself and to then thus, correct my living application.

Learning to Accept myself - Day 410

Throughout my life, I felt that I'm not accepted by others. 

I have a memory of my mother taking me to the mirror and asking me to look at myself and accept myself; 

she asked - why can you not see what I see in you.

 Here there are 2 interesting dimensions:

1. That day, when I looked at the mirror, I didn't like what I saw because what I saw is a fake human being with multiple personalities so that I could maintain and sustain the relationships in my life. I felt like a chameleon that played a specific role that would suit best for each of my social groups and some of these roles I despised.
2. When this memory came up, I placed myself again in front of the mirror and looked in self honesty at the girl in the mirror that my mother showed me long time ago, maybe 20 years ago, and what I saw is a fearful girl that is so afraid of being judged by others that she had to eliminate herself and her natural expression for the sake of being accepted by others because so long as she couldn't receive the outside acceptance, she couldn't accept herself. The interesting thing is that this girl, is me and how I lived my life thus far.

My life started at age 7 when we moved to another neighborhood. I don't have many memories from before age 7, I don't remember the nature of my relationships and who I was within these relationships. The relationships didn't mean much to me and I didn't feel sad when we moved and I left my friends. My best friend at that time was my cousin which we still hang out together after I moved so I didn't experience any loss when we moved to the new place.

At age 7, I started school and started to build new relationships. I was told that there is a girl that I should be friends with because our parents know each other and she just moved to the building next to ours. We were placed in the same class and slowly but surely became best friends. Every Tuesday I went to her house after school because my mother had to work late while my grandmother was taking care of my baby sister. One day, I heard her speaking on the phone with her father and she said to him: "Maya's grandmother is home and she (Maya) is still here". The way she said it sounded like she didn't want me there and I took it extremely personally. I felt betrayed, I felt unaccepted and so I left her house and didn't speak with her for weeks. Our parents intervened after a while and made us connect and become friends again. Though within me, I knew it was a bad idea and that I was better off without her in my life because around her, I couldn't be me, I feared standing up because she was very dominant and she would always speak down at others if someone had the courage to say something to her that she didn't like. I feared that she would gossip with others about me and take with her all our friends and because of that I feared that unless I stick by her side, I will be a social outcast.

For example, at some stage, we were a group of 10 girls namely "The 10". "The 10" used to meet every Friday night at one of the girl's house and we would sit in a circle and each one, in turn, would express what she saw within the girl(s) that she didn't like. It sounds supportive, but in reality it was not. No-one said anything towards my best friend, but only towards the other girls and when it was the turn of my best friend to speak, she would diminish us, she would take us down, she humiliated us and I believed that it was my job as her best friend to back her up and so, at some stage, I became her follower and would be as nasty as she was towards my other friends. Years later I apologized to one specific friend for what I have done to her, but the interesting thing is that I didn't forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to do unto her.

In my mind I schemed a plan to go to a different High-School so that I could finally be free from this relationship. Here I'm talking about 6 years before high school that I made this plan in my mind, because I didn't have the courage to stand up and show what the other is accepting and allowing themselves to do onto others. Even worse, I became that which I didn't like in her because I feared to be a social outcast and so, my self-interest dominated any common sense and within that, I didn't consider the lives of others and how my actions would impact them. Making long story long - after 9 years of destructive relationships, I moved to a different high school  and slowly but surely, as I expected, our relationship faded away without me having to put my foot down and say to her – “stop your shit now”. And not only to her, but me taking responsibility for who I accepted and allowed myself to be/become and essentially also say to myself “stop your shit now”.

Obviously, I didn't want to create any close relationships with anyone ever again so that I won't feel suffocated and controlled like I felt for 9 long years. I was so used to living within a state of self-diminishment, self-disrespect and fear of other people and thus, the relationships that could have been supportive for me, I ran away from the moment it became too intense where I would feel suffocated and the relationships I did maintain were the relationships that are superficial and unsupportive.

Within it all - in a way, I lost myself from the perspective of not being able to accept myself, I couldn't let go of my past and the judgment I had towards myself, I couldn't move forward and develop supportive relationships and without consciously understanding the design. I could only accept and validate myself through those who I perceived as more than me, better than me.

Going back to the girl in the mirror - the chameleon that I didn't like was the part of me that kept the relationships superficial as a point of protection mechanism; I didn't like the things I had to do to be able to be accepted, I didn't like my behavior, I didn't like that I couldn't express myself as freely as I would have done secretly when I was alone; I didn't like the judgment I have towards myself. But at the same time, didn't have the tools to support myself to stop participating in my own path of self-diminishment. I didn't like the constant fear I felt within myself, fear of being judged and not being accepted by others. I didn't see a way out.

One day, I met this guy; I met him in a very depressive phase of my life – when I was in a deep sadness within myself. Most people couldn't see the sadness in me. Actually no one but my mother was able to see it because over the years, I developed acting skills to hide myself from what was going on inside me. But this guy also noticed the sadness and he was very upfront about it. He didn't know me at all and came to sit next to me and asked me why the hell I am sad. I resisted him of course and acted like a total bitch towards him, though he was persistent. After a few weeks, it happened that we met again and we had a long talk, a talk that lasted for 6 months where the sadness inside me was suppressed, until we broke up.

When I investigated the point, I went back to the moment where he unexpectedly broke up with me and within that, I found a fascinating point. The day before we broke up, it was the first time within our relationship that I said - 'No more, I'm not accepting this shit' that he did and I stood up and communicated the point with him - it was our first fight, and the last. The next day he broke up with me within the everlasting statement: "it is not you, it is me - you do not deserve me". It was the worst day of my life and this day lasted for a few years of hidden depression.

The point that I want to discuss today was what I have done within my mind, how I have sabotaged myself since that day, how I compromised myself and how this point had contributed to the feeling of not being accepted by others.

Throughout my relationship with that guy, I did everything possible to please him; I never said anything that could have compromised the relationship. I feared confrontations, I feared that it would lead to a break up and so, my worst fear had manifested the moment I stood up for the first time within our relationship. I deliberately made myself smaller than him so that he could feel that he is more, that he is my savior; I allowed him to disrespect or more specifically to not consider me around other people because I feared that if I say anything, he would choose his friends over me. This is the very same designed I have  allowed back down the line with my childhood best friend. This relationship was not supportive in any way though I couldn't see it because I was so "in love" with the idea of us being together and that I finally found my one - the one who could make me feel alive again. The one who I can freely express myself with.

 

When the relationship ended, what was dominant was the repeating thought - "If only I didn’t stand up that day and go along with that which he was doing". If only I didn’t stand up - was the key for how I have sabotaged myself all these years because what I did within my mind was looking at this one point of standing up=breaking up. In my mind, I took this one moment of standing up and I made this moment invalid as if that was the point that led to the fall of our  relationship. I judged and blamed myself for doing it as if I was the cause for my own depression because I did it to myself, I ruined the relationship and it was all my fault. Not seeing/realizing/understanding how ALL of that was a belief – because, it wasn’t that moment of standing up that defined the break-up for the relationship; the relationship was dysfunctional from the start. So, it was interesting looking back at that moment – how I took that ONE POINT of standing up and blamed myself for breaking up the relationship – lol, not taking ALL things into consideration / the ENTIRE relationship into consideration. Fascinating what we do to ourselves in our minds when we look at things in self judgment – instead of commonsense investigation. I haven't till a few days ago looked at the entire design of how and why I accepted and allowed a dysfunctional relationships to even exist within my life without me directing the relationship effectively as a foundation of support from which we can expand, grow and empower ourselves.

The design through which I have lived as - I cannot accept myself without others accepting me first. The only way others can accept me is if I diminish myself for them to feel good about themselves. Now, every time there is a conflict within a relationship I have with another, one of 2 things can happen -

1. I will disappear from their life and never look back.
2. I will diminish myself and not speak up so that the point can fade away and everything can be "ok" again while still holding on a grudge, judgment and blame.

Within it all, what I have not considered is that supportive relationships can only work in reverse to how I lived relationships - it is only through communication, self-responsibility and self-honesty that a relationship can stand as a foundation of support. It is only through unconditional letting go of self interest within the principle of Give as You would like to Receive that the relationship that is trustworthy could be developed.

It is only through me, allowing myself to be vulnerable and letting go of the inner control I have set forth as a protection mechanism that I can allow another to get to know me. It is only through self support that I can stand as a support for another. It is only through self acceptance that I can create a supportive relationship with myself first- accepting the little girl that I saw in the mirror and stop resisting her and so, through accepting her as equal part of who I have become is the key from which I can correct and change that which I didn't accept in that girl that is me. It is only through accepting me that I can stop judging me and instead of reacting to myself in judgment, to investigate all aspects of myself and practically correct myself. It is time to constructively support myself and transform the self judgment, the inner belief that I'm not worthy to a point of absolute self acceptance within the trust that I'm here, a pillar of my own support in standing as a living expression of Life that is best for all.

Forgetting a child in the Car to Die Phenomena - Introduction - Day 400

Yesterday, I read about another case of a baby being forgotten in the car for a few hours and as such, had died from hyperthermia. It was two weeks after another incident where a baby was forgotten in the car for 7 hours and so, I was intrigued to investigate this phenomena and understand how is it that more and more reports about parents forgetting their children in the car is now in a process of acceleration. In  no way I was expecting to open up the news today and find out that in less than 24 hours, another baby was left in the car and unfortunately had died a few hours ago - http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4405270,00.html

 

Our "natural" tendency is to immediately blame the parents and defined them as untrustworthy,  inadequate or irresponsible parents but this blogs is not about finding faults within the individuals but to rather firstly understand that there IS a problem and secondly to present and support with solutions to prevent the problem from reoccurring. Currently the solutions discussed in the governments around the world, by the name of prevention, would not entirely prevent the problem as the real problem was not yet identified nor understood and as such, was not appropriately addressed.

 

Before I start, a point to consider for all of us who are rushing into finding faults and pointing fingers - we normally tend to judge that which we do not understand so having that in mind, pointing fingers and blaming others before one had research and investigated the relationship between the mind, the physical body, environmental influences and memory related to the phenomena of parents forgetting their children in the car, is counterproductive, unsupportive and abdication of self responsibility in terms of investigating all things and walk the solutions that are best for all.

 

There is no effective world wide track record regarding these instances of children dying from hyperthermia due to being left in a car and thus, there is no scientifically or mathematical conclusion that I am able to share here and therefore, what would be shared in the following blogs are guessumptions based on the information that I've gathered, my own understanding of the mind in relation to memory and common sense.

 

Within the blogs ahead we will take a closer look at the dimensions/relationships involve with the parents forgetting their children in the car to die phenomena.

Why did we stop questioning our reality? (Part 2) - Day 388

This is a continuation of the previous blog: Why did we stop questioning our reality? (Part 1) - Day 387

 

I was looking today at my childhood to allocate the time frame of which I stopped questioning my reality but to instead, submitted to what I was told and taught. Interestingly enough, although I didn't pinpoint the time frame, a specific memory came up and when I investigate the relationship between the memory and the information that I was working with, I found a fascinating thing.

 

My grandfather was a being in my life whom I had a strong relationship with, primarily because he was different from all other adults in my environment from the perspective of explaining things to me and/or sharing stories with me as if I was an adult. While everyone treated me like a child, he was communicating with me exactly as he would communicate with an adult.

There was one event where his words left a meaningful impression within me and this event was extraordinary from the perspective of him pointing out a way of reasoning thinking that I had never encountered before which was as follows:

 

We were coming back from the supermarket to my grandparents house and I was probably around 9-11 years old at that time. There was a bus station with a few very hard core religious people waiting for the bus to come and he mentioned something about the religious people being a burden on the economy of the country since all they do is praying to god the entire day on the tax payer money. He said that they do not have a job, they do not go to the army and that just sit all day, reading books and pray to God that doesn't even exists. That was the first time I heard anyone saying that there is no God. In fact, I don't remember myself questioning whether or not there is a god before, it didn't bather me much as I didn't come from a religion family and the God topic was not part of our family discussions. I asked him how did he know there is no God. So he asked me: Do you think that if God existed, he would allow for instance 6,000,000 Jews to be murdered in the second world war? (Here, a background information - my grandfather was one of the holocaust survivals and therefore, he could rationalize the God point within his frame of reference according to his life experience).

Obviously, I could relate to his question because as a child growing up in Israel, you will know anything you need to know about the holocaust from a very young age - you will hear stories about it, you will see pictures about it and if your family members were also there and live to tell about it, you will know the nitty gritty details of their experiences. And so, having that in my mind, the answer was within his question. If the God of the Jews allowed a cruel death of 6,000,000 than there are one of two options.

1 - God is Evil and should not be respected.

2 - There is no God.

For me, option number 2 made more since.

 

So - why did this memory came up. when I was looking at the memory and asked myself why this memory came up, a word flashed in my mind: "Respect". I realized that my relationship with my grandfather was of respect and integrity because he always took the time to explain to me a point when I asked: "Why". And as I go through my data base of information as I write here, I see more and more events when I asked him a question and he answered me while others did not. I also remember that when my grandmother for instance said: "No, because I said so", he expanded on the point and explained me the reason behind the answer: "No".

 

Will continue on this point in my next blog.

Just another Drama Queen - Day 258

 

 

So a point opened up yesterday - I was off, down, without any specific reason, nothing really happened but the general Experience was of a mini Depression. For a moment, I allowed it, I justify it, tried to avoid it, saying to myself that I'm tired because it is extremely hot. The fact that my body is well adjust to heat and that the heat in South Africa is 'nothing' in comparison to Israel wasn't relevant in my eye's view.

I had pain in my upper leg which again, I justified it as a physical point that manifested due to me pushing myself in aerobic exercises. And again, the excuse was that "I need to take a day off from practicing, my body is showing me that I need to rest. it must have been because I pushed to hard in the last exercise session"'.

 

But, I am 'Lucky' to live in a supportive environment that would expose me to my own dishonesties and would 'force' me to a level of self honesty to see the real core/source point that I'm facing which I haven't sorted out as an indication of a physical consequences that manifested in my upper leg. So, Esteni came to see me and while we were discussing the system that were busy showing itself on my upper leg, I was looking at the core/origin/source point that I've accepted and allowed within myself. I saw a few dimensions that I haven't considered before within my application but the main point I would like to speak about today is my Need to Create a Drama when everything is OK.

 

It's like - Everything was fine, things works and I am becoming more effective within my time management which gave me a few hours during the day without any particular responsibility I had walk BUT, without having to work, my mind went into a shock and immediately I created a fake Drama for me to participate with. Which is fascinating because the few hours that suddenly cleared up on my Schedule, which was a shock to my systems,  wasn't something I prepared myself for; it was something out of my ordinary routine and so - instead of moving and directing myself, I allowed myself to follow my mind into fear of - "is this what I'm going to do for the rest of my life? Is it possible that I will have moments without having anything particular to do? Are you sure there isn't something I must do now? How can it be that I have a free moment for myself? Maybe I forgot something? There must be something that I've missed.. And so - from not having any particular task to do, and seeing everyone around me busy, I went into the Fear of my Future - to now think about: "what am I going to do with my life? Will I have a partner in my life? Who is a good candidate for a relationship? Can it be Here or would I have to leave the farm to find a partner in Israel? But maybe I should go to Prague? Or the US? or Canada or Mexico"? Man - my mind went into so many directions - everything but to simply be here, appreciate the moment of nothingness, breathe and be OK with myself without having to do anything..

 

So in essence - this train of thoughts was a distraction, was how I've programmed myself to react when I have a moment for myself and how I would occupied myself in my mind to avoid a moment of intimacy with myself by simply be 'here'. When I snapped out of this mind fuck and re-aligned my starting point through removing all the mind distraction I found an interesting design - the Drama Queen Character.

 

A few years back, I when I was just starting my 'real' independent life, I worked in a company where one of my Co-Workers ALWAYS had a Drama in her life. In comparison to her, my life was a complete boring story. My house was a few blocks from work and we spent lots of time in my house after work. Each day, she would tell me another Dramatic story from the Previous day. I was Jealous because I was bored and I also wanted to have stories to share. You know the saying: be careful what you wish for? Lol  I manifested the Drama that I wished to have but only if I knew that Drama, isn't pleasant in most cases.

 

But when I go back to my memories, the Drama Queen character was always active to a certain degree. I remember one day, grade 5, I fell down to the ground from a small platform. I mean, really small - it was only 3 stairs away from the ground. The platform was in the path between my class room and the teacher lounge.

When I fell down, I started screaming so laud so that all the teacher could hear me, and all the kids would feel sorry for me. Basically, I wanted the attention.

 

So, within my next blogs to come, I'll open up this point in more details to stop the sabotage cycle that I accepted and allowed through the creation of the Drama Queen Character and within that, assist and support myself in becoming Ok and intimate with myself. Now within that context, intimacy isn't from a sexual perspective, it is a relationship with myself of appreciation, care and respect. 

 

 

Holding onto a Grudge - Part 3- Day 233

This a continuation to:

From Evilness to Life - Day 226

The seclusion in Inclusion - Day 227

Seeing the Evil Nature in Dreams - Day 229

Holding onto a Grudge - Day 230

Holding onto a Grudge - Part 2 - Day 231

 

Before you read this blog, I truly suggest to Invest in the Quantum Mind - Self Awareness Interviews as it is a tremendous assistance and support for me in getting to know the origin of myself in how I programmed myself to behave, speak, react, form personalities and so forth. In this, I can slowly but surely, expand my awareness of myself as what I've accepted and allowed myself to be and become through years of Self Programming with Zero self and real Awareness.

 

I Commit myself to Further expanding my Direct seeing of my own mind, from the Conscious to the Sub Conscious to the UnConsious and to the Quantum and the Physical Quantum Mind to understand the Mechanics of the Mind in how I've accepted and allowed myself to program my relationships with myself and with others with No Self Awareness.

 

I Commit myself to Investigate my Current Relationships within my Physical Environment to allocate the 'Preferences' that I've formed within these relationship so that I could see, realize and understand for myself, how I've programmed these preference in relationship with Past Memories Experiences as the Building blocks of how I would automatically experience myself in their presence, what Back chat would I have, How would I react and so forth. Within that, I commit myself to change my Relationship from Mind Experiences to Physical Living Expression of and as myself.

 

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself accessing defence mode in relation to another human being, to investigate and check if there are any memories from the past that I've associated and connected to this being and accordingly, assist and support myself to Forgive myself and delete the memories that I've utilize to Protect myself through holding onto Grudge as I now see, realize and understand that so long as I hold onto grudge, I'm not giving our relationship to transform to a supportive and effective relationship where we expand and grow ourselves within and as the principle of that which is best for all.

 

I commit myself to investigate all the fears that I've programmed myself within and as because I now see, realize and understand that so long as I'm approaching relationship within the starting point of fear, there is no way I could develop and establish a real and physical relationship with any human being as I would not allow myself to trust them and would keep a wall that separate us from really getting to know each other and develop a supportive and effective relationship that would stand for eternity.

 

I commit myself to - when and as I communicate with another human being, to allow myself to truly listen to their words, in letting go the defense mechanisms that I've created within and as myself from the starting point of fear. In this, I commit myself to self honestly getting to know the other human being in their totality as I now see, realize and understand that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see the being as who they are, but always approach the being from my own limitation of my own mind, through my opinions, beliefs, ideas, fears, reactions that I have created within and as myself throughout the years.

Holding onto a Grudge - Part 2 - Day 231

This a continuation to:

From Evilness to Life - Day 226

The seclusion in Inclusion - Day 227

Seeing the Evil Nature in Dreams - Day 229

Holding onto a Grudge - Day 230

 

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Delete the Past Memory Experience, Either a Negative or Positive, as I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that storing Past Memory Experiences is how I enslave myself, further into my mind in how I would from there develop preferences, likes/dislikes and emotions and feelings towards other human beings and within this, how I would chose the people I like/dislike being around instead of, assessing and checking the alignment between us to see if the relationship would produce an outcome that would result in the expansion and growth of each other within the principle of that which is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that as long as I hold grudge towards another human being, based on a past memory Experience where I felt betrayed or hurt, I do not give the relationship a chance to transform to a supportive relationship where both are standing in alignment, assisting and supporting each other to become a better human beings in this world and through that, empower we are through strengthening ourselves with the assistance and support of each other because, the grudge that I hold onto the other human being is like a wall that I'm placing between us, a wall that cannot be walked through so that we both become One, unless I remove the wall in absolute self trust, through deleting the past memory experiences and within that, accepting and allowing myself to walk with a person, as who the person IS, in that very moment of Breath.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to train and program myself to hold grudge towards the people in my world and my environment as part of my Survival tactics, in case that one day, I could utilize that grudge and transform it to a revenge, to strike first with all the weapons I have stored within and as myself, before they could harm and hurt me. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that my approach to any relationship is within FEAR as I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to trust anyone due to past memory experiences where I perceived people to harm and hurt me.

 

Moreover, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I've approached Relationship from fear, from a very young age and within that, didn't walk the 1+1 equation in understanding that that which I fear, persists and manifest itself over and over again, until I stand up and change.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that when and as I hold grudge towards another human being, I'm not accepting and allowing myself to create a co-existing relationship with them, because I would always be in a state of protection and defense towards a possibility of getting hurt.

 

In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that so long as I hold onto past memory experiences of all the times I perceived others to disappoint me, harm, compromise, betray or hurt me, I cannot expect having relationship with people from an Equal and ONE physical starting point as I gave value to past memories experiences which through the memories, as fears, I accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that so long as I'm holding a past memory Event/Experience that I've defined within and as myself as Negative, I'm Not accepting and allowing myself to really get to know another human being as my approach from the get go was of and as fear. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have never in fact, accepted and allowed myself to get to know another human being so long as I hold memories within and as myself through which, I would interpret what I think and perceive they are saying, through associating their words, behaviour and mannerism with past Memories Events/Experiences that I've stored within and as myself.

 

 

Will be continued..

Seeing the Evil Nature in Dreams - Day 229

This a continuation to:

From Evilness to Life - Day 226

The seclusion in Inclusion - Day 227

 

I had Quite a Vivid dream last night which was fascinating from the perspective that I had listen to the Life Review Interview - Dream Interpreter the day before, which was a great assistance and support in walking through the point that had opened up in the dream.

 

As was explained in the interview, Dreams are specific and represents one's Personalities Participation in one's day to day Living which Consciousness may imprint to the Dream Domain and through this, one could assist and support oneself to see what one require to further investigate within and as oneself and accordingly take responsibility and change from a Mind Personality to a Living Physical Expression of and as oneself.

 

In this Life Review, a man came through the Portal to share his life on Earth within his relationship to how he would interpret dreams and what he had Realized about himself and the Consequences of his actions on earth within his relationship to Dream interpretation after he had died and within that, how little did he actually understood about Dreams and their meanings.

 

It was suggested that one would look at one's reactions, behaviour, memories, past events, experiences etc. that came up in the dream because that will show the relationships that one haven't sorted out yet, within and as oneself.

 

So now that I'm working with the Evil Point within the last 3 days of writing, it was interesting that the Dream came up to show me another layer/dimension that I haven't looked at yet in self honesty, which I'm grateful for as I'm seeing within and as myself now that this unresolved point within me, is a key factor that is causing a friction and conflict within my relationship with another human being in my Physical Environment for more than 2 years now.

 

So - Within my relationship with this being, we had 2 past experiences wherein I perceived the being to betray me with getting involved with 2 males (in 2 separated occasions) that the being knew I was interested with. None one of these males where in alignment to where I was within my process and the chances of us actually getting to know each other and developing a stable and supportive relationship/agreement, were close to nothing, and yet, I still perceive the being to spite me and I started developing and growing resentment towards the being within and as myself, very slowly but surely.

 

I haven't face this point in writing till now but I see already that it is detrimental to face this point and correct myself because as long as I keep and hold onto this memory about this being, and the experience of being betrayed, I would not be able to stand in Equality with the being. What I've seen within and as myself was that, I would deliberately activate this memory of the experience of being betrayed in moments that I feel inferior within the relationship with the being and I would access this revenge that exists within me and would get the 'Power' to spite, and talk the being down through justifying to myself that I cannot trust them due to past event where they have hurt me.

 

In the Dream that I had, me and this being were in a camping park with lots of people around us, maybe watching a movie on a big screen or something and we saw a couple of friends of us, male and a female that were waving towards us to come over. The guy is someone that I knew in real life, a guy that I had a sex relationship a few years back. Our level of communication was abusive in nature where he would disrespect me in front of others and I would accept it because I had sex with him and I had to justify to myself that it is fine so that I would be able to continue having sex with him. In the dream, the being and I started walking towards the 2 friends and I've noticed that the being is planning to sit next to the guy and I felt a surge of jealousy, resentment and anger within me like: "what the fuck, why does she get to sit next to him, this is my guy". I can't remember which one of us set next to the guy but I remember I was talking to myself in calming myself down, reminding myself that this guy isn't someone that I even want to be with but I felt the competition in walking to them faster so that I could win and get what I wanted before the being could take the guy away from me again.

 

When I woke up and looked at the dream, investigating my reactions, the experience, the back chat, the thoughts, my expression, the way I behaved and so forth, it was clear that the past event of me feeling betrayed still affect my relationship with this being till this day, as there is a part of me that would not let it go and trust the relationship to stand when and as there is a male in the picture in particular but it also goes to the extent of which, I would not trust the being in other instances and would always keep a certain distance so that I wouldn't get hurt again.

 

It was fascinating because this part of me that wouldn't let go, the part that would keep the need to revenge to protect myself, is the Evil personality that I've been working within the last few days and here I go, having a dream that is so specific that shows a point within and as myself that I was not willing to face before.

 

I will continue walking this point with a process of Self Forgiveness and Practical corrective application however, for today, here is an example of how to work with dreams in a practical way, as was explained in much more specificity within the Life Review - Dream Interpreter.

 

For those who are working with dreams or have worked in the past, I suggest listening to this interview as it would give some insights and points to consider when and as one work with dreams.