Expressions in separation - The relationship between Hope and Depression - Day 501

To walk through the dimension of the beliefs that certain expressions can only be expressed with a certain beings around, I will have to take you back to where I was at, back in the days, when I walked through the Hope/Depression cycles after a breakup. Thus, for context, please read my previous blog -

The relationship between Hope and Depression (introduction) - Day 499 and

The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500

During the time I met my Ex-partner, I was going through extreme changes in my life. I started university, studying something that I didn't enjoy and within me felt that the freedom to decide who I wanted to be and become was taken away from me. I wasn't satisfied from where my life were going and I started having the feeling that something is wrong with this world - that people cannot be trusted but I couldn't really pinpoint the source of that which I started seeing in the world and in people. At this stage in time, I didn't allow people to go into the depth of me very easily so I chose very carefully whom am I getting in and whom am I keeping in distance. My environment was one of these environments where I couldn't trust the intentions of people so in many ways, I felt alone even though I was surrounded with a lot of people all of the time.

The day we met, I was with my friends in Thailand, it was one of these days where I was looking at my life, at who I am in relation to my environment and I felt sadness - I felt that I'm not expressing who I really am but following life like a mainstream sheep. I was sitting in a place where there were many people around me, yet I 'felt' alone and suddenly this guy is sitting next to me and the first question he asked me was: "why are you sad?". It was shocking because I couldn't understand how the hell someone could see into me to such specificity. I felt that my privacy was intruded and I pushed this guy away from me - not allowing myself to face the question and allowing this stranger to be an objective sounding board / support so that potentially, I could step out of the sadness that I felt inside.

Fortunately, this guy was persistent and to make a long story short, there was a window of opportunity for us to get to know each other and for me to discuss the sadness that I was experiencing as I was "stuck" in the same airplane with him for 12 hours on our way back home. When we came home, it was clear to the both of us that we are jumping up the relationship wagon straight into the deep water.

What started to come out of me more was what I believed to be "self-expression of joy" because I didn't experience the sadness that I felt before I met him to such extreme though at the same time, I understand now that I  was more into the mind reality than in the physical reality, and that actually created the illusion of me expressing joy which I was obviously not aware of back then (Again, if you didn't read the previous 2 blogs, you might as well stop here and catch up to be able to understand what does it mean mind reality vs. physical reality). 

With him, I was expose to self-expressions that I haven't experience before - there was something about him that activated parts of myself that I didn't know existing - for the first time in my life I was relaxed, calm, myself, enjoying me with the presence of another. Our direct environments were different in nature, cultural wise - I saw my environment as fake with no real substance, chasing money and success and his environment was more grounded, down to earth and I really enjoyed it, I could resonate with his environment much better than mine so on many levels, I believed that with him, I was at 'home', not seeing how I have separated myself from myself within the belief that I am is what my environment tells me that I am.

So with me wanting to express and experience happiness and joy more as I haven't had it before in my life, I gave all of myself to the relationship, hoping I will forever continue expressing and experiencing joy which I believed that this happiness and joy can only be expressed with him being a part of my life as if he was the one who gave happiness and joy to me. Thus, when we broke up and the illusion of joy and happiness could be no more, I fell really hard into the sadness and depression while consistently hoping we will be together again so that I could express and experience all these feelings again, that I believe can only be experienced and expressed with him being with me. (For more context read - The relationship between Hope and Depression (introduction) - Day 499 ) It's like I made the decision to not express joy and happiness unless we are together as joy and happiness belong to us being together, not realizing that self expression has to do with who I am and what I decide to express in any given moment as myself, regardless of whom is in my environment.

In my next blog, I will open up the source of the sadness that I experienced before and after I met him and go into the specificity of why is it that in my mind, I separated myself from genuine self expression by associating expressions with different environments / people instead of realizing that Self-Expression is a decision that one is making in a moment of breath as who one is. In this also, why with not understanding what self expression is as a genuine expression of oneself, we project certain expressions onto others within the belief that they give us these expressions and without them, we cannot express that which we want to express and how this contribute to the Hope and Depression cycles.  

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art work: Alice in Wonderland | Espiritu en Fuego/A Fiery Spirit

The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500

The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2014/12/the-relationship-between-hope-and_30.html

For context, please read my previous blog - The relationship between Hope and Depression (introduction) - Day 499

Within my investigation of the design of Depression and it's relationship to Hope, I have found two primary dimensions inside of myself - 

1. The belief that certain self-expressions that came out of me during the relationship can only be expressed within the same relationship structure.
2. Not wanting to face physical reality, self-responsibilities and self-honesty within the realization that primarily, the relationship was always on a mind level and not really on a physical level.

So what does it mean Mind Reality Vs. Physical Reality and what is its relationship to depression and hope?

The mind reality within the concept of relationship is when everything seems to be so good, it is the honeymoon phase where positive energy is the relationship's directive principle and this positive energy is sustain because everything feels so happy and good all of the time. It is when one believe that they found that which they were looking for and the partner they are walking with fits entirely with the profile of what one had wanted for oneself. It is when self-honesty doesn't yet existent and both are presenting only the parts of themselves that would attract the other partner, the good parts that will make the other partner want to be with them. It is the phase where one, for a moment, can let go of one's physical reality's responsibilities and indulge in an experience of 'falling in love', not really conceptualize that we are actually falling, falling into the deep realm of the mind and energy instead of creating a relationship that is based on real physical support and worth where the two are expanding and growing themselves with the support of the other.

During this phase, where the positive energy is very much in the front of the relationship, the partners start to project  all these ideas and thoughts and future plans onto each other, and the relationship is primarily build on a mind level fueled with a lot of positive energy that the partners keep generating with one another.

At some stage, the energy starts to fade away and the physical reality kicks in where one or both partners starting to question the relationship and really look practically at the relationship and the future of the relationship.

With me and the relationship that I was walking with another many years ago, I was stuck for a long time on the mind reality of the relationship while my partner started to come down to the physical reality, looking at what we have created and whether we could practically walk this life together in terms of where him and I was at. Practically, we were coming from two different worlds where he had ambitions that he wanted to follow through with and I were at a stage in my life where I did not see anything but us being together all of the time. So while I believed that we are absolutely synchronize within what we want to create for ourselves as a mind relationship, he was already starting to look at the practicality of things which was misaligned with the future plans that we have created while on Positive energy during the honeymoon phase. The problem here obviously was that he didn't know how to communicate these points with me so I was completely in the dark as to where he was at - his physical application and what he was looking at inside of him where not equal and one meaning - he continued participating with me on a mind level while being in conflict with himself and I had no idea that he was looking at all of these things until it was already too late.

When I started coming down of the mind reality and looked at what is it that I wanted for myself and what is it that I will accept and allow and what will I not, I stood up when I saw misalignment with him making a decision that I saw as disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me. Though, while he was in the physical reality for quite some time and I only started coming back, in the first moment I showed dissatisfaction from where we were at, he used this window of opportunity to give up on the relationship and end it, justifying that I need and deserve more than what he was able to give me. Though, I wasn't yet completely in the physical reality and was not ready to give up on the mind reality and therefore, couldn't accept the end of the relationship as within me, for the most part, everything between us was still super awesome except of this one small misalignment that we need to look at and walk solutions.

So in being primarily in the mind relationship reality, I was consistently bouncing back to everything that was good with the relationship, holding on to these memories and moments within the positive energy, believing that that was real, that it was the potential of the relationship that I still wanted to live and experience. While the mind reality no longer met the physical reality as we were already not walking a relationship together, I still believed the mind reality more which is where the 'hope' dimension came in, trying to get ourselves back to the mind reality relationship where I used to feel happy and satisfied. I couldn't understand why the mind reality isn't manifesting in the physical reality and within that, couldn't let go of the mind reality that I was busy creating for months. Meaning, in my mind reality, the relationship that we walked was real, the future projection that we planned for ourselves was real, the life that we planned to create for ourselves was real and within that, the hope that everything will go back to where it was, was very much real.

I couldn't understand what happened and why we were no longer together because I experienced all these feelings that I believed to be real and mutual, not understanding that all of that just happened in our minds which is why I couldn't let go of the hope that one day, somehow, we will be together again.

Within that process of hope, I went into a vicious cycle that lasted for years where in the mind I believed that the relationship was real and was hoping for a second chance and every time the physical reality didn't meet with the mind reality, I went into depression and as I was in depression, the mind reality kicked in again as hope, that led to depression and so on.

What did I learn about myself over the years of walking process - the honeymoon phase consists of many layers of programming on all levels of the mind and if I am not aware of the programming that are involved, I will follow through the preprogram design and fall into the energy that it consists of. I made the same mistake again recently where I went into the mind reality too fast too soon but this time, I was aware of what I was doing but consciously choosing to indulge in this energy that I haven't experienced for years. Though, what I haven't done to support myself was to ground myself while walking through these preprograming designs to ensure that I remain here, stable, consistent in my living application as who I am, what I stand for and what is it that I self honestly want to create for myself. Within that, I lost ground with myself and the physical reality instead of preparing myself to when the partner is coming down of his mind reality which is when we can actually start walking a relationship together that is based on real physical and practical principles.

So when the partner came down of his mind reality, I wasn't ready and prepared and I tried to keep for just one more moment the mind reality. Then, when I finally was willing to face the physical reality and take responsibility for the mind reality that I was busy creating, the partner wasn't in alignment with where I was at in wanting to start over and walk the relationship properly which was when I saw myself going into the hope dimension all over again.

Only that this time, it was unacceptable for me as I knew where this hope will take me and I understood what this hope design was all about. Within that I could see in self honesty that in essence, we actually didn't walked a relationship with one another, we walked a mind relationship with ourselves, superimposing the relationship onto another and thus, we could not really start over as there was no real and solid foundation to move from.

This doesn't take the fact that every so often, the mind comes up and bring the hope dimension based on the mind reality memories and experiences that we shared for a moment - this is where self-honesty is my directive principle where I support myself to ground myself in the physical reality, seeing things for what it really is and stop immediately my participation with hope.

It is important to not judge oneself when 'hope' comes up as feelings, emotions or thoughts - understand that while being in the mind reality, a lot of energy was used and for the energy to absolutely stop, it will take some physical moments for me to completely stop participation until the energy fades away. I am actually grateful for the experiences even though it is not easy ones to walk as there are a lot of programming that are coming out for me to face. Though - I learned a lot about my own programming and how to support and ground myself to be able to create effective relationships with myself primarily and with another as well.

So if you are willing to learn from my mistakes, when you meet someone, make sure you are still grounded inside yourself and in touch with the physical reality. It is ok to allow yourself to experience the initial phase of the honeymoon though you must be aware of that which you are participating with and prepare yourself and your partner to when the honeymoon phase is over and the real relationship creation and development starts when both partners come down of the mind reality, back into the physical reality.

In the next blog, I will be focusing on self expression and the belief that certain self expressions can only be expressed with a specific partner and how this belief is actually the attempt of the hope energy to continue existing in the mind reality.

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David Smith Artwork 'Woman reflecting focus', 2013. Acrylic Painting. Glamor.

The relationship between Hope and Depression (introduction) - Day 499

Long long time ago, I faced a break-up with a partner whom I believed to be the 'One'. I didn't handle the break-up very well and went into a long time-loop of depression that lasted for years. I didn't understand the source of the depression until recently. In fact, back then, I justified the existence of depression inside of me by believing that time will cure that which I experienced however recent events forced me to look again at the depression dynamic and what I found within that was 'hope' at the other side of the polarity.

To explain the design of Depression and Hope, I will use the break-up example that I faced long time ago - There was a part of me who couldn't accept it was done/over - a part where I hoped that something would change and we would be together again. During the first 6 months after the break-up, I experienced myself within a deep depression - hoping to find ways to turn the wheels and get us back together again. For example, on my birthday, I invited my friends to a bar that I went with my Ex-partner one night; a bar that my Ex-partner and I created positive experiences together. I remember how in the mind I was hoping that my Ex-partner will show up to my birthday party and give me the best birthday present - himself.

It is interesting to see now how even though I knew he would not come, I still held onto a slight which manifested as intense depression experience. So when the party was about to be done and my Ex-partner didn't show up, and physical reality knocked on my door - extreme sadness and depression possessed me.

I remember how I allowed this image in my mind to exists - it felt so good for a moment and I just wanted to indulge in this experience of hope that he would show up to my birthday. With me indulging in the positive mind experience of hope, I took myself away, for just a moment, from the depression that I was consistently experiencing - but what I haven't considered was - the longer I stood with 'hope' inside of me, the longer I went into the depression cycle when the mind reality and the physical reality didn't manifest the same outcome.

After 6 months, I decided that I must be more directive so I drove down to see him, hoping that when he see me, all the good/positive memories will come back to him and from there, we would again be together. For a moment, that actually what happened - it felt like my dream came through and we are going to be together again. We talked for hours and decided to take it one step at a time and see where we will be heading BUT - he was already scheduled to leave the country for 2 months and he asked that we will see where we are at once he comes back. For more context, this was in a time where internet was not accessible enough to maintaining consistent overseas relationship so in other words, our relationship faced the separation challenges where we were not involved in each other lives for 2 months.

Again, hope was my directive principle and I didn't read the physical reality correctly - in his mind, we were not together and we could see other people during these 2 months and if we were both single when he was back,  we could reassess whether we still want to walk a relationship together. In my mind, we are together though, we are allowed to see other people and when he comes back, there was no doubt about the relationship. What contributed to this hope/belief was when we met once again before he left the country and with a little bit of alcohol, I believed that the 'truth' came out where he started crying and tolf me how sorry he was for breaking up with me, how much he loved me and so forth. 

On many levels I did understand what is it that I am allowing within that decision of only reassessing where we are when he was back but to me, I was clear in how I saw the point as even if I meet someone during these 2 months, it won't override what I felt about him, it will not take away my hope of us going back  together. And so, when I did meet someone, I only took it to a point of playing and having fun with each other but nothing more serious than that. Though at the same time, when he met someone overseas, he created a relationship with another that was strong enough to let me go inside of himself.

Not knowing that he already was in a serious relationship during his overseas period, I was planning to make international call on his birthday as an excuse to talk to him, hear his voice and feel him. My anticipation and excitement about this call was massive, also because our first kiss was on his birthday so it was 'meaningful day' in how I made it in my mind. 10 seconds after I made the call, I knew that something was off with him - he already was in a relationship and me, as the hope that I was carrying inside of me, crushed.

This was supposed to be the point where the 'hope' could no longer exists inside of me but interestingly enough, it sure did. For years I hoped that one day he will wake up and realize he had made a mistake and I will be waiting with open harms to forgive him and continue our path together. Here you must understand that I didn't see myself carrying 'hope' per say - all I could see and experience was 'justified' depression. Meaning, I wasn't so conscious about the Hope and I didn't see how I am directing my reality according to this hope and how much of this hope contributed to my depression.

Within this 'unseen hope and the justified depression', I sabotaged any form of worthwhile relationships with other people. Both with new potential partners and with old friends who couldn't understand what I was going through and I couldn't handle them not accepting the depression I was experiencing to the extent of removing these friends from my reality.

With potential partners - I unconsciously wanted to be available for when the Ex was ready to come back together. Meaning, I didn't allow myself to commit to any other partner as that would mean that the Ex and myself will never be together. All this time I thought that I didn't want to face a lose again and that was why I didn't want to commit to any relationship but in self honesty I am seeing now that it was the 'hope' that I didn't want to let go for a very long time.

Looking at myself back then, I cannot say that I didn't see the 'hope' dimension at all - the hope was there in my living application and the choices that I have made; for example, I consciously hooked up with celebrities, hoping to be seen in the gossip section of the newspaper so that the Ex would see and get jealous and run back to me.

Unfortunately, I did not have the tools that I have today to truly introspect and investigate that which I was doing to myself. After a few years, I found the power inside of me to delete him from my world - no phone number, no FaceBook, no going out to where I may see him. That was the first step but With the depression being an accepted state of mind, I gave up on relationships for almost a decade inside of myself, just because I didn't understand how to support myself to let go of the depression through letting go of the hope.

These days, I am facing the same point again but within self-empowered view where I do not accept and allow myself to linger into emotions and feelings that do not stand equal and one with who I am today as the path that I've walked in developing self-worth, self-trust and understanding of myself. These days, I will not just wait for time to cure me, I am taking full responsibility for playouts in my life and accordingly, I learn from the experiences that I am facing, getting to know parts of myself that I haven't seen before and thus, self-empowering myself to not make the same mistakes again as one thing is clear - I can never lose myself again, I am always here. 

So here was some examples of how the Hope-Depression polarity played out in my life and in the next blog I will be focusing more on how and why do we hold onto 'Hope'? Why can't we let go of the Hope? 

I will be sharing about 2 dimensions that I have found for myself so far:

1. The belief that certain self-expressions that came out of me during the relationship can only be expressed within the same relationship structure.
2. Not wanting to face physical reality, self-responsibilities and self-honesty within the realization that primarily, the relationship was always on a mind level and not really on a physical level.

And later on, I will also share practical assistance and support of how to stop the Hope/Depression cycle within ourselves and allow ourselves to just be, explore and live.

Learning to Accept myself - Practical Application (Part 2) Day 412

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto ONE memory through which I've judged myself and accordingly, through and within a reaction, made a commitment within and as myself that I will continue to compromise myself within my relationships with others so that I won't have to face the same memory again, not realizing and understanding that making such decision/commitment within and through a reaction is detrimental as I consequentially sabotaged myself and my relationships with others without investigating ALL things and within that, directing myself effectively within the principle of Prevention is the best cure but rather, I accepted and allowed myself to exists within the principle of Reaction as my directive living power.

 

I thus commit myself to when and as an automated behavior is coming up from within me where I would make unconscious decision to compromise and sabotage myself within my relationships to others, to then, stop, investigate, look at the time lines, the memories and past relationships and to accordingly, move and direct myself according to what is best, within the principle of transforming reactions to corrections.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the way that I live relationships with other human beings in my life is a direct result of the accumulative patterns that I've structured myself  within my relationships with others throughout my life. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Investigate the source/Core/Reasons for why I am forming Dysfunctional relationships in my life and in doing so, recreating dysfunctional relationships and accordingly, change and correct myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within my relationships to others and to then thus, establish effective and supportive relationships with other human beings in this world.

 

Thus, I commit myself to investigate who I am in relation to my relationships with other humans beings, what was my starting point within the relationships, what energies I form within these relationships, what is the force that I direct myself within the relationships, etc. and as I investigate each and each all parts of myself in relation to my relationships with others, I then Keep that which is best for all and realign that which do not stand in alignment to the principle I have committed myself to live as.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from that which I've judged myself  as, as I see, realize and understand that so long that I judged parts of myself that I dislike in relation to the relationships with other human beings, I separate myself from myself within the attempt to suppress that which I judged myself for, while all along, I recreate the same patterns that I've judged myself for and recreated the same problems as I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the solution is within self honesty, the solution is within allowing myself to truly investigate that which I've became in separation of myself and to then stand as a living correction, as a foundation through which I could develop and establish effective relationships with other human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realized how I took ONE event, ONE moment, ONE point and made it so big within my mind as if this ONE point is absolute and real and pertain to everything and everyone else without investigating who I am within this ONE point/memory/event, what was the TIME LINE that led to this one point, what can I learn about myself and others from this ONE point and so forth. Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that defining myself and my relationships upon ONE single point is counterproductive within the understanding that ONE point doesn't stand alone as one point in space/time as this was created over time by accumulated moments by moments and within that, I haven't realized that looking at only this one point and disregarding everything that had accumulated into this one point is quite a consequential.

 

Thus, I commit myself to expand the way I investigate points, insist on the time line, on the moments by moments that had led to a consequential outcome. I commit myself to push myself to look at ALL things and keep that which is best for all as a living expression of myself. In this, I commit myself to when and as I react to what I perceive to be 'ONE' point, to remind myself that a reaction is bases on accumulative moments that I haven't directed myself effectively and thus, I stand within self responsibility and investigate the time line that had led me to react within and as myself and to then thus, correct my living application.

Horror of slaves in 2013 - Day 353

 

 

"An Indian woman who was kept as a slave and passed between three middle class families… was beaten, burned and raped…  she was forced to work for £2 an hour and raped several times… Her passport was taken away and she was forced to work 17-hour shifts seven days a week, fed only on out-of-date food and the chewed leftovers of their three children…

 

...When the woman, who could only speak Hindi, tried to contact police on multiple occasions but she was returned to her abusers and they were used as interpreters...

 

..The woman, who is illiterate, came to Britain in 2005 in search of a better life, but was left wheelchair-bound after being injured so badly by her 'employers' over a three-year period….

 

...The victim was left with scars on her body from the fingernails.. dragged her down stairs, burned her with an iron and threatened to stab her with insulin needles.

 

...Over the three years she was kept as a slave, she was paid just £2,000, which she sent back to her family in Hyderabad… Authorities estimate that she should have earned £170,000 during that time, considering the long hours she was forced to work."

 

Source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2312024/Horror-slave-kept-2million-home-raped-passed-middle-class-families.html

 

This is a story of a woman who hoped for a better life for herself and her family if only she leaves her country and find a decent job in England and so be able to send her salary to her poor family in India. This is not the story of this woman alone, this is a story of millions or even billions of people who forced to a life of slavery just to survive and protect their families. But it is not a story, it is a living reality for so many, it is a daily vivid nightmare of suffering, pain, abuse and atrocity. It is not a story - it is the world we are living in; a world where this living condition is accepted and allowed by all of us, mainly those who have at least enough to live a protected and decent life; us who do nothing to even bather and give a second thought about the devastating state of the world we have created ourselves.

 

So help me understand - how is it possible that slavery still exists in this world?

Help me understand why we do nothing about it?

Help me understand how have we become so self cantered, egotistic, selfish human beings that cannot apply simple principles such as: Give as you would like to receive, Love your neighbour as yourself and investigate all things and keep that which is best for all?

 

Help me understand why you wouldn't stand up now and say: I'm ashamed of myself; I realized that as long as I'm doing nothing, I'm part of the problem.

 

So - if you finally realized you are part of the problem and you are willing to stand as the solution - study the Equal Money System solution to transform this world into a world where all lives are honoured and protected; Understand the power of the mass and become the driving force of the mass that is standing, moving and directing this world to a world that is best for all. Let's change the story...

 

 

 

My Relationship with my Dog - Self Forgiveness - Day 254

 

Continuing with investigating my Relationship with Yalda, the dog I used to have before I moved to the Farm.

This is a continuation to my Previous blog: My Relationship with My Dog Continue - Day 253 where I shared the Time Line of my Relationship with Yalda after walking the previous write-ups: My Dog as my Comfort Zone - Day 251 and Pets as a reflection of Self Intimacy - Day 252 which was also a direct continuation to the Series:  'How to Cope with the Death of a Pet'.

 

I would also suggest to listen to the Interviews: Pets and Owners Relationship Review to have a better understanding of the relationship connection between Human Beings and Dogs.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to in Self Honesty look at my starting point of having a dog and within that, ignored and further suppressed the Emotions I had accepted and allowed myself to experience within and as me. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that my decision of having a dog was a reaction to the emotions and feelings I experienced inside myself, which means that it was a matter of time until my Physical reality would knock on my door and force me to face the things I was so busy suppressing and ignoring, which in this, I only prolong my process within a time-loop that I could have prevented if I would have taken the responsibility to investigate, explore and sort out that which I've suppressed within and as me.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to suppressed, ignore and deny the Negative experience that I've created within and as myself through having a dog and develop a relationship with her so that I won't have to 'Feel' alone. Within this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Investigate the Nature of the Negative Experiences of and as Aloneness within the Self Realization that in common sense, one is never alone within and as this physical reality and it is only through One's Mind-Interpretation of Aloneness, within and as Emotional Negative Charge that one had Separated oneself from all that is here, into and as an Isolated Version of oneself, within and as One's mind.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Accept myself as Who I am and thus, I had Believed that I required External Forces to Validate me and so, through the Presence of a Dog, I could Respect, Accept and Care for myself, not seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I am as an Expression of Respect, Acceptance and Care is not dependent on anything or anyone but myself, as a decision that I make within and as myself. Thus, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Learn by the Example I've set forth for myself, of who and what I am, when and as I was in the presence of my Dog - An expression of myself, of who I am under all the Layers of the Mind, Without any protection mechanism, absolute vulnerability and Self Intimacy and thus, When and as I remove these layers of the mind and accept myself as Who I am as Life, I will Find myself - that which I was always looking for but couldn't find because I've separated myself to the extent of which I couldn't even grasp that - that which I was always looking for, was myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that What I miss with regards to my Dog's presence is Who I have been as an expression of myself, as how I've experienced myself when I was with her, when I didn't have to become a specific character to align myself with my environment and I could have been simply Me, as an Expression of myself, without worrying about being judged, mocked, harmed or Compromised. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realized that I've CONditioned myself to my environment and gave Value to what other may say or think about me instead of accepting and allowing myself to simply be the expression of myself, as who I am in every given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I have perceived and projected as Intimacy with my Dog, was in fact a level of intimacy that I've had with myself which was lost when I gave away my Dog. In that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to React to my Dog not being with me any longer instead of investigating my relationship with her - who I am within the relationship, How did I experienced myself, Why and How have I separated myself within my relationship with my dog and according to what I've seen through self investigation, I change, correct and align myself within the Principle of Investigate all points and keep that which is good.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Give myself Unconditional Love, Respect and Worth and have accepted and allowed myself to instead project these components onto my Dog, believing that she gave me Love, Respect and Worth and thus reacted when I believed that I no longer have it instead of realizing that I can stand in alignment to Self Love, Self Respect and Self Worth, as an Expression of myself, in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek for Love, Respect and Worth from my external reality, in separation of myself, not Seeing, realizing and understanding that I've separated myself from such expressions, within the belief that only someone else, in separation of myself, can give me Love, Respect and Worth. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Desire being Loved, Respected and Cared for while Expecting to find someone or something that would give  me the Love, the Respect and Worth instead of me First Establish Self Love, Self Respect and Self Worth that is not Defined by anything or anyone; that is Not Conditioned to having a partner or a pet, but simply an expression of myself that would be measured by the Decisions that I make in every breath. Thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Project Love, Respect and Worth onto another and in doing so, never considered to Develop and Establish Self Love, Self Respect and Self Worth, as Who I am, as an Expression of myself that can be proven and validated by the Decisions that I make within what I will accept and allow to myself and what I will not.

 

I Commit myself to Show that Attaching and Associating Energetic Charge to our Pets and/or Partners, either Positive or Negative, indicates a point within and as ourselves that we haven't yet sorted out, through which, we suppress, ignore and deny our responsibility in sorting ourselves out by Projecting these Energy Experiences with onto our pets and/or Partners.

 

I Commit myself to Let Go of the Energetic Mind Components that I've associated, defined and attached to my relationship to my Dog and accordingly, keep on investigating the things she was busy showing me about myself, that I wasn't willing to see and take responsibility for.

 

I Commit myself to Develop, Establish and Stand as an Expression of Self Love, Self Respect and Self Worth that would be Measurable within the Decisions that I make within that which I accept and allow myself and that which I won't.

 

I Commit myself to - When and as I see myself accessing Inner Emotional Turmoil regarding my dog, to first make the decision to Stop, to take a Breath and See in self honesty what is the Nature of the Reaction and Who I am within this reaction. In this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to see where, how and why I have separated myself from the Physical through/by Energy acceptance and allowances and accordingly, I take Self Responsibility, Apply Self Forgiveness with Specific Practical Commitment which within that, I transform my application from Mind to a Physical Living.

 

I Commit myself to - When and as I see myself projecting Experiences on other beings in my world and my environment, to turn the point back to myself and to investigate where, why and how I've separated myself from such experiences, where, why and how I've defined myself as Lacking in relation to such Experiences.

 

 

My Relationship with My Dog Continue - Day 253

 

Continuing with investigating my Relationship with Yalda, the dog I used to have before I moved to the Farm.

This is a continuation to my Previous blog: My Dog as my Comfort Zone - Day 251 and Pets as a reflection of Self Intimacy - Day 252 which was also a direct continuation to the Series:  'How to Cope with the Death of a Pet'.

 

I would also suggest to listen to the Interviews: Pets and Owners Relationship Review to have a better understanding of the relationship connection between Human Beings and Dogs

 

So I got Yalda at a time where I felt extremely alone. Even though I was surrounded by Friends and huge Social network, inside myself, I felt very much alone. Only now, after walking Process for quite some time, I can pinpoint the reason and purpose why I deliberately created this aloneness inside myself and how it was a defense mechanism that I utilized to protect me from getting hurt again. I will share this point in another blog though.

 

With Yalda, the Aloneness wasn't as extensive anymore because there was always someone who loved me; Someone who would unconditionally make me laugh; be there when I cry; play with me; comes to walks with me; Someone who would never judge me or look down at me; someone who will always be happy when they see me and someone who would be extremely sad when I'm gone; This relationship made feel Loved, desirable, cared for - all the components that I was looking for from a partner however, it was constant, no Dramas, no roller-coaster, no getting hurt. And so, I was ok with not having a partnership with a male because I got everything I wanted from her.

 

At some point, I went to India for 3 months and I heard that my dog was extremely sad and unhappy. I was devastated and felt guilty. Then a few days after, I've been told that her favourite toy was missing and I couldn't bear the thought of her not having the ball she likes so much. So I arranged a friend to go to the pet store, buy this toy and go to my house to give Yalda the toy. I also knew that Yalda will be happy to see him because he was part of Yalda's Life. But, after a while, I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided to go back home, earlier than expected because I missed my dog to much. Obviously, it wasn't the real reason. The reason was that I felt so alone in India, I was extremely sick for about a month which activated and perpetuated lots of emotions and feelings within myself and also, the relationship I started to develop fell apart.

 

When I got back, a friend of mine came to pick me up from the airport and brought Yalda with her. When I saw Yalda in the airport, I couldn't help it and started crying from happiness, it's like my other half was finally coming to completion after 3 months apart. Yalda was absolutely happy to see me, didn't stop jumping all over me, and all the people around was in awe from this sight - me and Yalda and our special connection.

 

So, you see, Yalda became my Life, my Escape place where I could feel Safe, complete and whole, where I could suppress the depression and the aloneness I felt inside myself without having to sort myself out.

 

When I made the decision to move to the farm, I knew that I had to give her away. I knew that the day would come and I will have to let her go. I wished that my family will take her so that when I come to visit, I could be with her but they couldn't have her and I had to find a solution for her. I found an amazing family to raise her, with 2 young kids and a mother that works from home.

 

The first time they came to see her, not yet take her, I crashed. I couldn't stop crying. Yalda felt it and decided to not come out and see them. I had to really push myself to breathe and ask her to go out to see them.

I tried to keep her as much as I could until the very last moment of having to move out of the apartment and fly to the farm.

After 2 weeks the day had come and it was unbearable. It was a day where I literally couldn't stop crying, and even now, as I write, tears fill my eyes because it was a very sad moment for me. It was like giving away a part of me, my child. She didn't want to go which made it even harder for me. I knew that I couldn't see her again because if I would, she may think that I came to pick her up again.

 

It wasn't that obvious to me until I went to see her after a few days. I wanted to make sure that the family treats her alright and that she is comfortable. When I went up, while being in the elevator, I could hear her barking, she smelled me, she knew I was coming. She started scratching the doors and when she saw me, it was like at the Airport moment. But this time, I couldn't take her home with me again. The new Owner told me that the moment I push the ring bottom, Yalda knew it was me and become over energetic. Which was hard for me to hear because I couldn't understand how am I doing this to her and to myself. But I did understand, I understood that Yalda did her Part, she supported me greatly and it is now time for her to support other people and for me to go and support myself and other people, in a new environment.

 

I haven't seen her since. I mean, I do see picture of her when the owner upload pictures to her FaceBook account. But I never met her physically again.

I was twice in Israel since I moved to the Farm. In neither of the times I went to see her. The reason was - it was time for me to not only think about myself and to place myself in her shoes before making any decision. Meaning, I used to leave her couple of times when I went for a few months abroad. Every time that I left, she was sad, and every time that I came back she was again happy. She had to adjust to the new family and I didn't want to create expectation within her, that I'm coming to take her home, which then, she would have to re-adjust again to the new family. I had to push myself to not fall into my own self interest and not go see her while I was in Israel. There were moments where I drove by her house, to see if maybe, the owners is walking down the street with her and I could have a snap pick of my 'child' but I didn't allow myself to actually arrange a visit despite of the owners calling me saying I must visit.

 

Every now and then I hear stories about her from the new owners. Which makes me feel extreme longing for her expression, like, the experience the owner has with her, with Yalda's expression is what I miss and would like to experience myself.

 

So lot's of work to be done because despite of the Physical let go of her, I didn't let her go from within me. It's one thing to miss her expression but it is another thing to cry every time I think about her. So, I will start investigating this point for myself and share when I'm ready to share. So stay tuned.

 

My Last Picture with Yalda:

 

 

 

 

 

Depression - Self Interest or a Real Physical Condition? - Day 221

This is a continuation to:

The Elite's delusion of stress - Part 1 - Day 45 The Elite's Delusion of Stress - Part 2 - Day 46 The Decision of TIME - Day 67 opy Paste Character - The Education System - Day 184 Is it possible to Cheat yourself? Day 185 It is time to STOP Existing as a Human Machine - Day 186 The End of Times - Day 187 Facing the Evil within - the KEY to LIFE - Day 188 Fear of Disappointing others - Day 189 The Psychology of TIME - Day 190 I Regret, therefor, I'm a Good Person. NOT!!! - Day 191 The REAL Fear - Day 192 The things we Won't tell ANYONE - Day 193 Missing out on the Good Life - Day 194 Let's have some Fun - Day 195

Stupidity Loop - Jumping from the Bad to the Good to the Bad - Day 196 The Smoke Screen of Ignorance - Day 197 Leaving in a Dream - Day 208 Having the Life Style you always dreamt to have - Day 209 IT is MY time Now - don't say a word - Day 210 Let's go on Vacation - Day 211 Comparison is a Bitch - Day 212 Damn, I will never have everything done - Day 213 Standing as an Example - Self Interest or Self Realization? - Day 214 From the Bossy to the Loser - Day 215 Jealousy and Frustration - I want the Life they Have - Day 216 The Poison within Irritation and Anger - Day 217 Judgement as self Perfection - Day 218 Impatience as Evilness - Day 219 Please feel Sorry for me - Day 220

 

 

For the purpose of context, suggest reading these posts above prior to reading the post below, if you haven’t already. Here I will be walking the 'I don't have TIME' Character - Reaction Dimension - Practical support with Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments.

 

 

Reactions Dimension:

* Jealousy

* Frustration

* Irritation

* Anger

* Judgment and Self Judgment

* Impatient

* Self Pity

* Depression

* Anxiety

* Stress

 

 

 

 

----

 

Depression

 

One must understand that the context of what I've been walking in my last few blogs was Specifically within the context of the 'I don't have Time' Character. Today, I will be walking the Depression that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate with, within the 'I don't have Time' character.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the self created Depression that I've accepted and allowed to exists within and as me, when the 'I don't have time' character take the front, was done deliberately to justify the belief that I don't have time as Equal to and One as the accepted and allowed Self Pity design. (For more context, please read the previous blog - Please feel Sorry for me - Day 220).

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe myself when I felt Depressed because apparently, I didn't have time and within that belief, I've sabotaged, compromised and limited myself in actually looking at what is behind the Depression and how I was utilizing the depression as self manipulation to not face my own self interest desires that were activated within and as my mind, in the imagination domain. (For more Context, please read Stupidity Loop - Jumping from the Bad to the Good to the Bad - Day 196 and Leaving in a Dream - Day 208)

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow the feeling of Depression to justify why I took a moment for myself, to do nothing, and why it was 'ok' for me to neglect and compromise the things I committed myself to get done and instead went and do things to please my desire for entertainment because according to Society codes that I've accepted and allowed as myself, as a religion of myself, "it is valid to take a momentary 'break' when feeling Depressed; everybody does that".

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I've manipulated myself and others within the Depression embodiment within the belief that I'm entitle to feel depressed because everybody does from time to time and therefor, I can take a moment and indulge within my self interest desires even though 'I don't have time' for it. Within this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider the Physical reality but rather, trusted my mind within the experience of Depression to justify for myself that it's ok to take a momentary break and thus, have not realized, seen and understood that within that justification, my directive Principle is my Mind and not Me that moves equal and one as the physical as what is best for all. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, that I do not require any form of manipulation to move myself in any given moment but rather, stand in self honesty, assess what would be best for all in a moment and accordingly move myself, without the mind telling me how I feel, what I should do, who or what I am

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to base my decisions according to how I perceive my Experience through my mind instead of trusting the Physical within the principle of what is best for all and move myself accordingly. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience of Depression, as if it is me, not seeing, realizing and understanding how I am the only creator of the depression within and as me and how I have used and abused myself in manipulating myself within the belief that I am depressed, to justify my fall into my own desires in the nature of self interest and to thus, compromise myself within giving up on that which I've committed myself to.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how deliberate depression is, within and as me where I would give up on Life, on the Principle of what is best for all through justifying to myself my fall in the name of Depression that would entitle me to indulge and take the time I require to 'heal' myself from the depression because apparently, it wasn't me who decided to become depressed "because it is real and I could feel it" and within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to trust the Physical, to trust the Principle of what is best for all and instead, trusted my mind, in separation of me, within the belief that I'm experiencing Depression and that it is real because I can feel it.

 

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself accessing Depression, and now I'm referring whatever the reason for the self created depression is, not only in the context of 'I don't have time' character to Stop, Breathe, and remind myself why and How I've seen for myself that I've deliberately created depression to manipulate myself in not facing the real core/source/origin of the Depression as a cover-up to justify my desires in the nature of self interest. Within that, I commit myself to investigate and further expand the my SF application with regards to Depression within all the layers of the mind, for myself, and accordingly, to walk the correction process that is required to be walked, in self honesty/realization.

 

I Commit myself to Trust the Physical as what is here that I can cross reference and within that, to not trust the mind within the experience that I 'Feel' as I now see, realize and understand that whatever I feel and see through my mind is self created deception and it's not actual direct seeing of and as the Physical and if I accept and allow myself to trust my mind, I accept and allow the diminishment of myself, as living physical being and within that, in every moment that I accept and allow myself to base my decisions according to what I feel or see through my mind, I miss a breath and a window of opportunity to in fact change and walk, breath by breath, within and as the principle of that which is best for all lives.

 

I Commit myself to Establish Physical Self Trust within and as myself and to assist and support me in making decisions that are based on Physical cross referenced investigation rather than making decisions that are based on mind Trust as I've seen and proven to myself that I cannot trust my mind in anyway whatsoever.