Learning to Accept myself - Day 410

Throughout my life, I felt that I'm not accepted by others. 

I have a memory of my mother taking me to the mirror and asking me to look at myself and accept myself; 

she asked - why can you not see what I see in you.

 Here there are 2 interesting dimensions:

1. That day, when I looked at the mirror, I didn't like what I saw because what I saw is a fake human being with multiple personalities so that I could maintain and sustain the relationships in my life. I felt like a chameleon that played a specific role that would suit best for each of my social groups and some of these roles I despised.
2. When this memory came up, I placed myself again in front of the mirror and looked in self honesty at the girl in the mirror that my mother showed me long time ago, maybe 20 years ago, and what I saw is a fearful girl that is so afraid of being judged by others that she had to eliminate herself and her natural expression for the sake of being accepted by others because so long as she couldn't receive the outside acceptance, she couldn't accept herself. The interesting thing is that this girl, is me and how I lived my life thus far.

My life started at age 7 when we moved to another neighborhood. I don't have many memories from before age 7, I don't remember the nature of my relationships and who I was within these relationships. The relationships didn't mean much to me and I didn't feel sad when we moved and I left my friends. My best friend at that time was my cousin which we still hang out together after I moved so I didn't experience any loss when we moved to the new place.

At age 7, I started school and started to build new relationships. I was told that there is a girl that I should be friends with because our parents know each other and she just moved to the building next to ours. We were placed in the same class and slowly but surely became best friends. Every Tuesday I went to her house after school because my mother had to work late while my grandmother was taking care of my baby sister. One day, I heard her speaking on the phone with her father and she said to him: "Maya's grandmother is home and she (Maya) is still here". The way she said it sounded like she didn't want me there and I took it extremely personally. I felt betrayed, I felt unaccepted and so I left her house and didn't speak with her for weeks. Our parents intervened after a while and made us connect and become friends again. Though within me, I knew it was a bad idea and that I was better off without her in my life because around her, I couldn't be me, I feared standing up because she was very dominant and she would always speak down at others if someone had the courage to say something to her that she didn't like. I feared that she would gossip with others about me and take with her all our friends and because of that I feared that unless I stick by her side, I will be a social outcast.

For example, at some stage, we were a group of 10 girls namely "The 10". "The 10" used to meet every Friday night at one of the girl's house and we would sit in a circle and each one, in turn, would express what she saw within the girl(s) that she didn't like. It sounds supportive, but in reality it was not. No-one said anything towards my best friend, but only towards the other girls and when it was the turn of my best friend to speak, she would diminish us, she would take us down, she humiliated us and I believed that it was my job as her best friend to back her up and so, at some stage, I became her follower and would be as nasty as she was towards my other friends. Years later I apologized to one specific friend for what I have done to her, but the interesting thing is that I didn't forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to do unto her.

In my mind I schemed a plan to go to a different High-School so that I could finally be free from this relationship. Here I'm talking about 6 years before high school that I made this plan in my mind, because I didn't have the courage to stand up and show what the other is accepting and allowing themselves to do onto others. Even worse, I became that which I didn't like in her because I feared to be a social outcast and so, my self-interest dominated any common sense and within that, I didn't consider the lives of others and how my actions would impact them. Making long story long - after 9 years of destructive relationships, I moved to a different high school  and slowly but surely, as I expected, our relationship faded away without me having to put my foot down and say to her – “stop your shit now”. And not only to her, but me taking responsibility for who I accepted and allowed myself to be/become and essentially also say to myself “stop your shit now”.

Obviously, I didn't want to create any close relationships with anyone ever again so that I won't feel suffocated and controlled like I felt for 9 long years. I was so used to living within a state of self-diminishment, self-disrespect and fear of other people and thus, the relationships that could have been supportive for me, I ran away from the moment it became too intense where I would feel suffocated and the relationships I did maintain were the relationships that are superficial and unsupportive.

Within it all - in a way, I lost myself from the perspective of not being able to accept myself, I couldn't let go of my past and the judgment I had towards myself, I couldn't move forward and develop supportive relationships and without consciously understanding the design. I could only accept and validate myself through those who I perceived as more than me, better than me.

Going back to the girl in the mirror - the chameleon that I didn't like was the part of me that kept the relationships superficial as a point of protection mechanism; I didn't like the things I had to do to be able to be accepted, I didn't like my behavior, I didn't like that I couldn't express myself as freely as I would have done secretly when I was alone; I didn't like the judgment I have towards myself. But at the same time, didn't have the tools to support myself to stop participating in my own path of self-diminishment. I didn't like the constant fear I felt within myself, fear of being judged and not being accepted by others. I didn't see a way out.

One day, I met this guy; I met him in a very depressive phase of my life – when I was in a deep sadness within myself. Most people couldn't see the sadness in me. Actually no one but my mother was able to see it because over the years, I developed acting skills to hide myself from what was going on inside me. But this guy also noticed the sadness and he was very upfront about it. He didn't know me at all and came to sit next to me and asked me why the hell I am sad. I resisted him of course and acted like a total bitch towards him, though he was persistent. After a few weeks, it happened that we met again and we had a long talk, a talk that lasted for 6 months where the sadness inside me was suppressed, until we broke up.

When I investigated the point, I went back to the moment where he unexpectedly broke up with me and within that, I found a fascinating point. The day before we broke up, it was the first time within our relationship that I said - 'No more, I'm not accepting this shit' that he did and I stood up and communicated the point with him - it was our first fight, and the last. The next day he broke up with me within the everlasting statement: "it is not you, it is me - you do not deserve me". It was the worst day of my life and this day lasted for a few years of hidden depression.

The point that I want to discuss today was what I have done within my mind, how I have sabotaged myself since that day, how I compromised myself and how this point had contributed to the feeling of not being accepted by others.

Throughout my relationship with that guy, I did everything possible to please him; I never said anything that could have compromised the relationship. I feared confrontations, I feared that it would lead to a break up and so, my worst fear had manifested the moment I stood up for the first time within our relationship. I deliberately made myself smaller than him so that he could feel that he is more, that he is my savior; I allowed him to disrespect or more specifically to not consider me around other people because I feared that if I say anything, he would choose his friends over me. This is the very same designed I have  allowed back down the line with my childhood best friend. This relationship was not supportive in any way though I couldn't see it because I was so "in love" with the idea of us being together and that I finally found my one - the one who could make me feel alive again. The one who I can freely express myself with.

 

When the relationship ended, what was dominant was the repeating thought - "If only I didn’t stand up that day and go along with that which he was doing". If only I didn’t stand up - was the key for how I have sabotaged myself all these years because what I did within my mind was looking at this one point of standing up=breaking up. In my mind, I took this one moment of standing up and I made this moment invalid as if that was the point that led to the fall of our  relationship. I judged and blamed myself for doing it as if I was the cause for my own depression because I did it to myself, I ruined the relationship and it was all my fault. Not seeing/realizing/understanding how ALL of that was a belief – because, it wasn’t that moment of standing up that defined the break-up for the relationship; the relationship was dysfunctional from the start. So, it was interesting looking back at that moment – how I took that ONE POINT of standing up and blamed myself for breaking up the relationship – lol, not taking ALL things into consideration / the ENTIRE relationship into consideration. Fascinating what we do to ourselves in our minds when we look at things in self judgment – instead of commonsense investigation. I haven't till a few days ago looked at the entire design of how and why I accepted and allowed a dysfunctional relationships to even exist within my life without me directing the relationship effectively as a foundation of support from which we can expand, grow and empower ourselves.

The design through which I have lived as - I cannot accept myself without others accepting me first. The only way others can accept me is if I diminish myself for them to feel good about themselves. Now, every time there is a conflict within a relationship I have with another, one of 2 things can happen -

1. I will disappear from their life and never look back.
2. I will diminish myself and not speak up so that the point can fade away and everything can be "ok" again while still holding on a grudge, judgment and blame.

Within it all, what I have not considered is that supportive relationships can only work in reverse to how I lived relationships - it is only through communication, self-responsibility and self-honesty that a relationship can stand as a foundation of support. It is only through unconditional letting go of self interest within the principle of Give as You would like to Receive that the relationship that is trustworthy could be developed.

It is only through me, allowing myself to be vulnerable and letting go of the inner control I have set forth as a protection mechanism that I can allow another to get to know me. It is only through self support that I can stand as a support for another. It is only through self acceptance that I can create a supportive relationship with myself first- accepting the little girl that I saw in the mirror and stop resisting her and so, through accepting her as equal part of who I have become is the key from which I can correct and change that which I didn't accept in that girl that is me. It is only through accepting me that I can stop judging me and instead of reacting to myself in judgment, to investigate all aspects of myself and practically correct myself. It is time to constructively support myself and transform the self judgment, the inner belief that I'm not worthy to a point of absolute self acceptance within the trust that I'm here, a pillar of my own support in standing as a living expression of Life that is best for all.

The Layers of our Minds - Day 178

This is a continuation to:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Commitments - Day 177

 

So, I'm continuing investigating the dimensions within the relationship of Headache and Menstruation that I've created within and as myself throughout my life and through walking the dimensions/layers within it, I've realized a fascinating point that I would like to share about today.

 

Also, for more context, I suggest listening to:

Reptilians - Thought and Thinking - a Deliberate Creation of Control - Part 105

Reptilians - Thinking as Mind vs. Direct Seeing with the Physical - Part 106

 

When working with Pain that was created through an accumulation of memories, thoughts, ideas, opinions etc. that were accepted and allowed within one's life, one would see the various dimensions/layers of the mind that slowly but surely starts to reveal themselves once a layer was removed in self honesty.

 

Within that context, I was looking at the differences between Meditation and quieting the mind and Stopping the mind as an act of self movement/direction, in self honesty.

What I've realized yesterday for myself was why and how when silencing the mind through meditation, it's nothing but creating another dimension, a silent dimension within one's mind with no actual and practical change but rather, suppressing the thought/pattern/personality/character and creating a new one and that is in comparison to stopping the mind as an act of self directiveness/movement that one is practically and physically taking responsibility for.

 

When I was practicing Spirituality and within that, practicing Meditation to silent my mind, I never investigated the nature of the thoughts, the consequences of suppressing the thought but simply ignored them as if they never existed however, within that, never seen, realized and understood the physical manifestation of the thoughts in and as the human physical body and how through suppressing the thought by ignoring it, we do not in fact removing/deleting the thought from the flesh of the body and therefor, there is no physical and practical change within oneself and one's living application but rather, one would create and manifest another character that would be so powerful in terms of suppressing other characters that self had accepted and allowed self to create and participate within and as oneself and one's world.

 

Stopping the mind, as a practical, physical self directive principle, is a total different story.

For a moment I was confused within and as myself regarding - what is the difference between deleting a thought and suppressing a thought through Meditation. For me, the outcome seems to be the same - in both cases, the thought is gone. What I haven't considered within this question, as mentioning previously is the physical aspect as well as self responsibility within and as the act of removing/deleting a thought vs. suppressing a thought in meditation.

 

The point that I was specifically looking at was - how can I make sure that I have actually deleted the thought and I'm not fucking with myself again, as I've done as a spiritual. How can I make sure that I in fact stopped the thought and not just ignore/suppress it. the answer that I've found within and as myself was very simplistic - if the thought comes back again, I haven't in fact deleted it and what I've actually done was creating another dimension and manifested a time loop that would take me to the same place where I've initially wasn't honest with myself when stopping the thought. Also - a practical consideration is to - not accept and allow self to simply delete the thought, create a character of: I'm so good, I deleted the thought yopi hey hey hey and rather, take a moment and write the point out, see whether something was missed and whether one is in fact clear and stable within one self.

 

So, Deleting a thought or removing a memory through Self Forgiveness doesn't end there. All we have done was removing ONE layer, ONE dimension and ONE thought so that we could assist and support ourselves in seeing the next layer/dimension/thought so that we can walk through the next layer/dimension/thought and so on.

While in meditation, let's say that I've ignored the thought. Cool, for a moment the thought isn't there. What now? A time loop. Why?? Because I could have stand up and take responsibility for myself in investigating the nature of the thought and the core point of my acceptance and allowance of its existence and within that, walking through the layers of the mind and clear the entire network that is interconnected with this one thought. 

 

And so, in terms of practicality - once removing one thought, we can either take a moment and investigate the next layer/dimension or if in our day to day living responsibility we don't have this moment of self investigating, we can simply wait until the next layer would reveal itself within the realization that we cannot avoid it, it will appear/reveal itself in some way or another and in that realization, we are honest with ourselves within the starting point of: ok, I've seen one layer, there are much more that I've not yet seen, I'm making the commitment that when and as the moment is here and the next layer/dimension would reveal itself, I will stand up, take responsibility and sort it out. And so, we do not create another dimension of: "I walked and am now done with the point" but instead, being humble with and as ourselves, walking one step at a time, one breath at a time, and how long it will take is irrelevant as we trust ourselves to clear ourselves in every single breath, trough consistent application that is trustworthy, exactly as Breath is consistent and trustworthy.

 

So, back to the Menstruation and Pain - another dimension/layer/though/memory had reveal itself through the emergence of headache which "forced" me to have a look again what memory I haven't yet looked at within the relationship of headache and Menstruation.

Want to know what it was?? Stay tuned till tomorrow.

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Commitments - Day 177

 

 

This is a continuation to:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

 

I commit myself to Disconnect the Attachment/association/definitions that I've manifested within and as my mind regarding the relationship between headache and Menstruation as I see, realize and understand that accepting and allowing the associations/definition/association/connection between headache and Menstruation is to accept and allow the abuse and sabotage of myself through literally manifesting pain through the belief that pain and Menstruation comes together. Thus, When and as I see a thought in a nature of the relationship between pain and menstruation, I stop, I breathe, I DETLET the thoughts as I now see, realize and understand why and how I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought in separation of me which is no longer acceptable.

 

I commit myself to walk my Responsibilities within breath by breath living application as and within the principle of what is best for all and within that, to not accept and allow myself to excuse myself from my responsibilities through creating pain within and as me and to assess within self honesty when and how much rest my body is required to function in its utmost potential.

 

I commit myself to include in my  weekly schedule moments for self indulgent and to unconditionally be OK with taking these moments for myself without feeling guilty about it because, I see, realize and understand that I've previously took these moments but within guilt, I manifest pain so that I could justify the moment of indulgent through the excuse that my body is in pain and require a rest.

 

I commit myself to further investigate the Righteousness Character within and as me through a process of writing, self forgiveness and practical self change through standing in alignment with my commitments that I'm putting forth to myself.

I commit myself to Delete all Memories regarding Women with Menstruation pain as I'm now seeing, realizing and understanding that I've used these memory to manipulate and abuse my human physical body through utilizing these memories as an excuse to excuse myself from my day to day living responsibility for one day in a month. In this, Note - what I'm saying here is that some women are in fact having serious Menstruation pain once a month and that is their process to walk but it is not the case with me so it is not that all women are like me, utilize the pain as an excuse so please, do not make a judgement upon Menstruation pain through reading this blog.

 

I commit myself to STOP manipulating others through the experience of having to feel sorry for myself within the desire of them validating me as the pain and excusing me from my responsibilities. In this, I commit myself to investigate and explore where else in my life I've utilize the 'Feel sorry for me' character in alignment of my own self interest Desires for a specific experiences.

 

I commit myself to delete the values I've assigned to my day to day living responsibilities and to then thus, walk what ever is required to be done, breath by breath at my utmost potential, capability and ability, in self honesty.

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge - Self Forgiveness - Day 176

This is a continuation to:

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect/attach/define/associate Menstruation with Headache, not seeing, realize and understanding that within that connection/attachment/definition/association, I've accepted and allowed the belief that Headache must manifest once a month and within that not seeing, realizing and understanding that it was always me, the one who gave myself the permission to create and manifest the pain, in separation of me and therefor, experience the pain once a month.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire for an excuse to release myself from my day to day Living Responsibilities within having a monthly pain to shut me out and in that, having to accept and allow myself to create and manifest pain within and as my human physical body to have a legitimate excuse that would be accepted by society and therefor, I won't be judge for taking a time off from my responsibilities.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged for not standing within and as my day to day living responsibilities and within that, had defined 'time off' as indulgent, pleasure, entertainment as something that is invalid, that I cannot have as it is not part of my responsibilities and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself as my human physical body through having creating and manifesting a monthly pain to be utilize as an excuse to rest, indulge and entertain myself in bed while others will keep up with my responsibilities.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to include Indulgent and pleasure moments in my day to day living responsibility because I've defined it as a waste of precious time that can be utilized in moving forwards towards a world that is best for all, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within that definition, what I was really doing is trying to impose myself as the righteousness character, and in that, be more than others that are "not as devoted as me". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define Indulgent as wrong/bad within the starting point of a desire for my own self interest requirement for external sources to validate, appreciate and approve me as MORE instead of changing my starting point to and as a principle of that which is best for all where - who I am is not defined by what I do but rather, walking breath by breath as who I am within everything that I do. And thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and abuse my human physical body through creating a monthly pain, to maintain my righteousness character without imposing my own self judgement on me as I've utilized the pain as an excuse to excuse myself from my responsibilities without having to waste time on entertainment and indulgent through justifying that I cannot work anyway when having extensive pain.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed memories of seeing women being excused from their responsibilities when having menstruation pain and through accepting the memory to be imprinted into my flesh, I've accepted and allowed the memory to be the stepping stone in creating and manifesting a monthly pain that I would utilize when and as I see I require some rest from my responsibilities as an excuse instead of moving and directing myself in self honesty and when/as a rest is required, to simply rest as  physical support.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself when having menstruation pain so that other could relate and have sympathy towards me, to validate my need to take a rest instead of assessing in self honesty, when my human physical body require a rest and simply walk with my body and support my body, without having to abuse it by creating Energy as Pain and self pity to validate the Body requirement for a rest.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assess what are my responsibilities for a specific day and be frustrated when there is an activity that I would prefer not participating with, and in doing so, simultaneously, look for any physical pain that I could utilize to excuse myself from the activity. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider abusing my human physical body through creating pain just so that I won't have to participate in certain activities and in that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to the principle of what is best for all and in that, do what ever is necessarily to be done to support myself and the people in my environment in sharing equal responsibilities.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to develop likes and dislikes towards my responsibilities and accordingly, assign to each one of them a specific value instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what ever my responsibilities are, it is not about the responsibilities but who I am within my responsibilities and having a preference as likes and dislikes indicate that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to an Energetic experience in self interest in oppose to move and direct myself, breath by breath and do what ever is required to be done in my utmost ability, in self honesty.

Menstruation Pains as an Excuse to Indulge- Day 175

 

 

A few days ago, a point opened up when I experienced a slight headache. It was a familiar pain that I came to live with, once a month, just before I get a period. Usually, when I'm not taking care of it, it manifests to a Migraine that shuts me down for the rest of the day. Care of it meaning - taking a pill once it becomes unbearable.

 

When I'm looking at the pain that was here a few days ago and the pain that was here a month ago - there is one thing in common - on both days I was taking a time off from my day to day responsibilities. As I go along, you'd see why this point is relevant and in fact, the source point of the pain.

 

So back to a few days ago - when the pain was still bearable, and I had already made the connection between the pain and the menstruation as an actual, real and true fact within and as my mind, I asked a friend for a support through pushing a specific point in my hand as it is usually assist with reducing the pain and with breathing through the pain that is busy emerging in the hand, I see a dimension that is related to the pain and am able to work with it.

 

When we started to investigate the source of the point, I've seen that the pain started when she was asking me what date it was and my back chat was: "oh, I must get period soon". In that moment, without my awareness, I've accepted and allowed the thought and the pain that comes with getting a period that I've accepted and allowed within and as me. So I deleted the connection between getting a period and having pain and continued with my investigation regarding the source/core of creating the idea in the first place, between pain and getting period.

 

My friend move her hands and push on my upper right eye which open up a new point within and as myself. What I've seen was memories of women that are being excused from specific responsibilities when having period pain. When I looked within myself, I saw, that creating a pain, once a month, enough to shut me down for a few hours was deliberately created because I'm not a sick person, I usually don't get sick and thus, I always have to maintain my responsibilities. When I moved through this point, the pain was gone.

 

What I've NOT seen, realized and understood was how, through taking a time off by creating pain, I'm deliberately abusing myself and my human physical body, instead of giving myself a time off without a need to make an excuse for why it is ok for me to take a moment off.

 

In this, it is not surprising that the 2 times I had headache where times where I "took" a moment off from my responsibilities however, I wasn't stable nor clear within my decision to take the time off because I believed that taking a time off is wrong when there are so many other things that I could do to support myself and others.

 

Here, I would refer myself and you to a point that I've been writing about a while back and now, when another dimension opened up, I would get into more specificity in my Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment application: Inner dullness light up in Energy - Day 68.

 

What was not yet seen, understood and realized within and as myself is that who I am is not defined within what I do or don't do but rather, who I am within what I do will determine who I really am as a breath by breath living application.