How fear can control your life (Part one) - Day 482

Within my Woman's Journey to Life blog, I have been walking extensively  the point of relationship to assist and support myself and other women in the world to get to the nitty gritty of ourselves when it comes to relationship with a male so that we are able to create and develop effective relationships with ourselves and as such, with another;

 

In this blog series though, I will show how one point of fear, fear of parents in relation to one's sexuality, created consequences in my life and how in looking back, these consequences could have been prevented if I was more aware of my mind and my thinking processes. Thus, if you are a teenager or a parent to a teenager, you will be able to walk with me, into my introspection process and hopefully support yourself and/or your child by understanding the teenager's thought processes, if sexuality isn't a topic that is openly discussed at home.

 

With me, I didn't feel that I have anyone to talk when I was a teenager and many teenagers today can relate to this experience of not being able to share themselves unconditionally with their parents/friends/partners. Unfortunately, many of the teenagers that feel that way, tend to become secretive in doing things behind the parents' back, hoping that what the parents don't know won't hurt them; only that in many cases, the teenagers are the ones who get hurt, by making reckless decisions that are based on unconscious fears.

 

What I found in my process of introspection of my own mind, was that the mind is layered with memories and information and sometimes, when I 'think' that I got to the source in relation to one specific pattern that played out in my life, a new layer opens up, uncovering another piece of information in my journey of getting to know myself as the mind.

 

A few days ago, I was asked a simple question: "How did I feel about relationships in the past?" interestingly enough, I "thought" that I knew the answer because I've walked that path before when I investigated who I was in my past relationships. At the same time, there was a point of resistance towards the question because I couldn't allocate the point of 'feeling about' past relationship; what does it mean 'feel about' something?!

 

When I started writing the point for myself, I walked again my first relationship but this time, more focusing on my hidden back chat, the thoughts/feeling/emotions that I couldn't even admit to myself. As I mentioned in one of my blogs, my first partner was like 'prince charming' whereas I could experience myself in a way that I always imagined relationships to feel like - he loved me like no one else did before, he was expressive, romantic, caring, intimate. He was one of this unique guys that would write songs for me, sing them to me, write me love letters and so forth - it was really a relationship that every girl would want for herself and yet, out of the blow, I broke up with him.

 

For years I tried to justify for myself why I broke up with him, making myself believe that I wanted something more, I wanted maturity in the sense of taking our relationship to the next step of getting married and moving out of our parents' house but because we were only 16 years old, this future was far away in time and I couldn't wait till that future manifest. I made myself believe that I broke up with him so that I could find another man whom with I am able to manifest this future sooner because I didn't like the way I experienced myself at home and I hoped that once I move out, I could expression all these expression that I suppressed at home.

 

Though, as I said before, another layer opened up this time where I was able to see the real reason of why I broke up with him and how by doing so, I compromised myself and created consequences for years to come.

 

This I will continue sharing in my next blog post.

 

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Are work - Nomi Chi

 

 

 

Discovering the Excitement of LIFE (Part 2) - Day 325

 

 

Continuing with my Previous blog where I started walking the Design of Excitement and how it came to be the stepping stone from which we keep ourselves busy in our mind as the External force that would give us the 'Space' to cope with our Physical Reality.

 

We start our Journey into Excitement Creation already as Childs when our Parents takes us for a trip in the weekend which we look forwards to during the week. We are so excited because we know that the day to day living responsibilities are off for just a moment and we could be 'Free' in a way, stay up late, spend the time with our parents that are normally at work and we know that we are going to get treats that are usually forbidden but are allowed on vacations. We are also very much excited to come back from the trip and tell our friends all about it and what special things we did and you know, deep down we also excited about a momentary feeling of being 'more' than those whom parents cannot afford these vacations.

 

I always had something to look forwards to as a child and as a grownup; whether it was a vacation with my family or a one day trip, or graduating and going to the army and then got excited to get my chance to travel around the world after the army and fly a few times with friends to Thailand. I always created something for me to look forwards to and be excited about but now when I look at it - my Expectations and Excitements NEVER met the Physical reality and I always got disappointed from how things played and it was ok as long as  there was always a point to look forwards to.

At some stage, the money ran out and I couldn't funds my fantasies so I had to create fantasies I can accomplish with no money involved (only after taking a big loan to funds my desires which turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life as I'm still stuck with the consequences). The pattern persists - I create a Desire, I become Excited about it, I start being obsessed and possessed about the possibility of having my desire fulfilled and then I face the Fear of Lose that my Prospect original Desire  won't manifest and I start being more obsessed and possessed by it until I rather get to the point of Excitement only to find out that it wasn't what I was expecting it to be and thus, I become totally depressed that I couldn't get what I wanted and my Fear of lose became the Reality.

 

What have I missed throughout this all Process - the Excitement of being alive through/by/with every single breath I take! I mean, how stupid that is? that we never considered the Breath as Life, as the Ultimate point of Excitement as appreciation that Life is Here and I have a chance to Live with/as my Physical Body because I'm BREATHING and the BREATH is that which gives me Life.

 

So then, What Excitement has to do with Consumerism? Everything! Where do we get all of our ideas that we get excited about if not from the Advertisements, Marketing and commercials we see all around, as the Rewards we can gift ourselves for the hard work we do either in School, job or other responsibilities we carry on.

 

Where have we lost the Real Physical Excitement of a simple thing as Breathing by Externalizing Excitement through gadgets, new clothes, vacations, love, wedding, kids, grandkids all of which required Energy to create within and as ourselves to sustain the Excitement that would be either fulfilled or turns into a complete disappointment which from there, we start again and create the new Excitement point to reach to but we Never stop for a moment to actually investigate our Desires and Fears that are the foundation of our addiction for Energy, for Excitement as the Driving force of ourselves within our lives.

 

It doesn't matter in which form or towards what we are excited about - the Pattern/Design is the same and would circulate in the same way for eternity until we stop.

 

"Why to stop?, who will I be without having anything to look forwards to? Wouldn't it be boring? What would motivate me to be better, greater, extraordinary?".

Yes, I understand that this may be your backchat and/or resistance to what I am sharing so let's look at this in the following way:
The things we are excited about are normally related to Money and the fact that not everyone on earth has the access to these things is in itself invalidate the point within the Equality Equation and the Principle of 'Do to another that which you would like to be done to you'. I would rather live in a world where everyone has access to have a vacation if they wanted to, have access to food or a new cloth if required, I would rather live in a world where we realize the Excitement of Life within each and every breath and within that, consider each other's breath and their Equal right to have their breath within a Life that is worth while.

 

But also, the fact that we conditioned ourselves to a Future External Fantasy/Desire, as a point in the Future we can be excited about is a concerning point by itself from the perspective of us requiring something, in separation of ourselves to motivate and move us instead of us moving and directing ourselves in absolute awareness in any given moment.

 

Now, most of us that have experienced the point of our Excitement that tend to fade away when we finally get to the point of achievement which is in most cases, nothing like we imagined it to be; We then go into a slight sadness or even depression until we get ourselves out of it with a new generation of Energy build up for our next future point to look forward to. So here, when we establish gratefulness within each breath we take and discover what does it really mean 'the Excitement of Life', we won't experience these ups and downs and would simply live as what is best in any given moment. Isn't that wonderful? Isn't that by itself the self driven point that would motivate oneself to stand as the expression of Excitement of Breath as Life?

 

 

 

Discovering the Excitement of LIFE (Part 1) - Day 324

Today, I will start walking the Relationship between Excitement and Consumerism and within that, how we have conditioned our lives and that which gives us Life - our real Physical Breath, to an External Forces that would give us the Energy Boosts for just one moment until it fade away and the energy drains out which from there, we would start accumulating and building up the necessary Energy for the next best thing that would give us the Experience we Desire for, without ever realizing that our Desires have been created through the Pictures we see in our environment; through the Stories we hear from our Friends; through the Fantasies and Imagination we participate in our mind; through Comparison and Competitions; 

 

The Design of Excitement came to be a dominant point that through which we live as Energetic Batteries that constantly seeking after the next Gadget, the next Event, the next Experience, the next Love, the next vacation, the next Party - anything that would fulfil us for a moment until we drain out again and would require another shoot of Adrenalin boost to keep us going and moving on in our lives.

 

Let's have a look at the following example (note, the Example is deliberately extreme to emphasize the point and make some fun while we are walking this point however, most of us will Experience the same point with different velocity, pictures and fantasies) 

Ok, so you are watching a Romantic movie that take place in an exotic island  with beautiful beaches, people, music food.. Now, the movie and/or a Picture in the Movie was installed in your mind and it activated a Desire within you to Experience the Magic of this island for yourself. From that moment, you start imagining yourself lying on the soft white send, under the sun, with a cocktail in your hand and a flower necklace on your neck and you see yourself enjoying yourself, listening to the waves of the ocean, closing your eyes and taking a rest and suddenly, "unexpectedly" the most hot guy/girl is approaching you and you two start talking for hours until the sun goes down and then you realized that you didn't eat all day so you go together and eat dinner and you drink some more and... you completely fell in love.

 

So you develop the fantasy to great detail in your mind and decide to start saving the funds to make it happen and you can't stop thinking about the Experience you are about to face. You share it with your friends and you add more details to your fantasy and soon enough, you are on your way to fulfil your Desires. By now, the excitement level are extremely high and you completely possessed by the trip you are about to face and you count the minutes until the plain take off and after a few hours (or days) you reach your destination and situate yourself on the soft white send with the Cocktail and the flower necklace. By now you already realized that it isn't exactly as you imagine it to be but you come to peace with it because your Excitement levels are still so high and you can not wait to see how things plays out.

 

The first day is gone and still.. No prince/princess charming are at sight but you keep on waiting and hoping that something will happened. At some stage you realize you might made a mistake by going all alone but you still hope that things work out. By now, the Excitement is not so high but the Desire is very much existing.  Maybe in the next day, you would give up on your original fantasy and start socialize yourself with others like you that came in the hope to find their love of their life.

 

Eventually the vacation is over and you go back, disappointed, but you won't admit it and you'll tell your friends how amazing it was and what great people you met and how much you cannot wait until the next time you fly there because, between you and I, you don't want to be the only fool - you want others to fall in the same trapped you got yourself in, so that you won't feel like a complete loser. but… what will you do now? You will start generating the next Desired Excitement in your mind although, maybe this time it will be something a bit more moderated then the previous one because let's face it, this journey cost you quite a bit..

 

Here is an example of a Desire you created within and as yourself when and as a picture you saw in a movie activate the Desire and because within your Physical Reality, you were able to go after this Desire, you slowly but surely started to accumulate the necessary Energy as Excitement, as your Living force, as your way to cope with the Ordinary life you normally have. Once you get to your Destination and the Imaginary Reality doesn't meet your Physical reality, the Energy, that which was your Driving force, drops, and it is normally when you would start feeling Depressed and Frustrated. The more your Excitement was charged, the more your Disappointment, Depression and Frustration and thus, the more motivated you are to create another point in the future to look forward to.

 

Ok, for the Positive readers - Let's say though, that your dream girl/guy did show and you did fell in love and you did fulfil your Desires and you are now in the utmost energy pick one can imagine. We all know that the Energy will not last for long and  slowly but surely, it would start fading away. Then what? wouldn't you still be seek after the next energy boost that you could provide for yourself because you have conditioned yourself to always needing something in the future to look for, as an external force that keeps you alive while all along, the very thing that keeps you physically alive is your Breath, which we all take for granted without realizing and understanding that without Breath, we couldn't even imagine our desires or be disappointment when our desires didn't stand in the Physical reality - no matter how the Design of Excitement played out - the only way it could play out is with the Breath that we take in every single moment which we do not value in anyway whatsoever. 

 

Will continue in the next blog with more examples and points to consider in relation to the Creation of Excitement and its relationship to Consumerism.

Just another Drama Queen - Day 258

 

 

So a point opened up yesterday - I was off, down, without any specific reason, nothing really happened but the general Experience was of a mini Depression. For a moment, I allowed it, I justify it, tried to avoid it, saying to myself that I'm tired because it is extremely hot. The fact that my body is well adjust to heat and that the heat in South Africa is 'nothing' in comparison to Israel wasn't relevant in my eye's view.

I had pain in my upper leg which again, I justified it as a physical point that manifested due to me pushing myself in aerobic exercises. And again, the excuse was that "I need to take a day off from practicing, my body is showing me that I need to rest. it must have been because I pushed to hard in the last exercise session"'.

 

But, I am 'Lucky' to live in a supportive environment that would expose me to my own dishonesties and would 'force' me to a level of self honesty to see the real core/source point that I'm facing which I haven't sorted out as an indication of a physical consequences that manifested in my upper leg. So, Esteni came to see me and while we were discussing the system that were busy showing itself on my upper leg, I was looking at the core/origin/source point that I've accepted and allowed within myself. I saw a few dimensions that I haven't considered before within my application but the main point I would like to speak about today is my Need to Create a Drama when everything is OK.

 

It's like - Everything was fine, things works and I am becoming more effective within my time management which gave me a few hours during the day without any particular responsibility I had walk BUT, without having to work, my mind went into a shock and immediately I created a fake Drama for me to participate with. Which is fascinating because the few hours that suddenly cleared up on my Schedule, which was a shock to my systems,  wasn't something I prepared myself for; it was something out of my ordinary routine and so - instead of moving and directing myself, I allowed myself to follow my mind into fear of - "is this what I'm going to do for the rest of my life? Is it possible that I will have moments without having anything particular to do? Are you sure there isn't something I must do now? How can it be that I have a free moment for myself? Maybe I forgot something? There must be something that I've missed.. And so - from not having any particular task to do, and seeing everyone around me busy, I went into the Fear of my Future - to now think about: "what am I going to do with my life? Will I have a partner in my life? Who is a good candidate for a relationship? Can it be Here or would I have to leave the farm to find a partner in Israel? But maybe I should go to Prague? Or the US? or Canada or Mexico"? Man - my mind went into so many directions - everything but to simply be here, appreciate the moment of nothingness, breathe and be OK with myself without having to do anything..

 

So in essence - this train of thoughts was a distraction, was how I've programmed myself to react when I have a moment for myself and how I would occupied myself in my mind to avoid a moment of intimacy with myself by simply be 'here'. When I snapped out of this mind fuck and re-aligned my starting point through removing all the mind distraction I found an interesting design - the Drama Queen Character.

 

A few years back, I when I was just starting my 'real' independent life, I worked in a company where one of my Co-Workers ALWAYS had a Drama in her life. In comparison to her, my life was a complete boring story. My house was a few blocks from work and we spent lots of time in my house after work. Each day, she would tell me another Dramatic story from the Previous day. I was Jealous because I was bored and I also wanted to have stories to share. You know the saying: be careful what you wish for? Lol  I manifested the Drama that I wished to have but only if I knew that Drama, isn't pleasant in most cases.

 

But when I go back to my memories, the Drama Queen character was always active to a certain degree. I remember one day, grade 5, I fell down to the ground from a small platform. I mean, really small - it was only 3 stairs away from the ground. The platform was in the path between my class room and the teacher lounge.

When I fell down, I started screaming so laud so that all the teacher could hear me, and all the kids would feel sorry for me. Basically, I wanted the attention.

 

So, within my next blogs to come, I'll open up this point in more details to stop the sabotage cycle that I accepted and allowed through the creation of the Drama Queen Character and within that, assist and support myself in becoming Ok and intimate with myself. Now within that context, intimacy isn't from a sexual perspective, it is a relationship with myself of appreciation, care and respect. 

 

 

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create and believe in my creation of my own misery so that I could live out the fantasy of being saved by my Prince Charming and as years passed by and the ONE LOVE didn't show up, I created more misery for myself and more sadness for myself, not seeing the relationship between my desire to be saved by the ONE and the misery that I put myself through so that I could have this experienced of being saved. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself to such an extent that I prepared the way before me, in deliberateness, for someone to save me through the belief that it would be the only way that I could experience the LOVE, not seeing, realizing and understanding the consequential outflows of my desires.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the desire of being saved from  my own sadness as a design that I've created within and as myself, looking for the missing piece - for a guy that would play along within this design - one that had accepted and allowed oneself to participate within and as the Desire to Save.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to LIVE out the fantasy of a princess that is being saved by prince charming and accordingly, had set the scenes, preparing myself so completely with accessing all the agony and sadness that comes with it and I haven't seen, realized and understood how this fantasy was created through imprinting the fairy tales story into me, already from the childhood years, believing that this should be my story and therefore, became the character of my own life, to stand in alignment with the fantasy scene that I was busy building up where all along, the one point that kept me going was HOPE that my Love Story would end up like in the Movies = happily ever after.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get in a relationship from the starting point of the desire of being saved and I haven't seen, realized and understood the consequences of starting a relationship from a desire to be saved wherein, once I change my the dynamic within the relationship where I no longer need to be saved as I already experienced that LOVE and already got the guy, the relationship can no longer stand since it was no more in alignment with the desire of wanting to be saved as wanting to save.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate guys through my own desire to be saved, through presenting myself as Sad and within that, to open a door for the guy, to access his own design of being the saviour so that we could both play the game and live happily ever after.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through deliberately become the sadness character - always seeking for Drama, for a story that I would then utilize to manipulate the guys that are carrying the Design of a saviour and within my own self manipulation, I became to know me as Sad and accepted the sadness as me, not seeing, realizing and understanding that becoming sad was my own deliberate decision that I've accepted and allowed myself to stand as and I haven't seen how powerful I am within my own creation of sadness, as I've also created the forgetfulness that I was the one who decided to create myself as sadness as a manipulative action to attract a guy.

 

For male's perspective regarding the design of wanting to save a girl - suggest reading Fidelis's Journey to Life - Day 65 - Also Attracted to Broken Girls Part 2 

 

I Commit myself to show how a child is creating a fantasy in one's mind, in the first 7 years of one's life and accordingly, would slowly but surely, start playing the character role that one had put forth to oneself without seeing, realizing and understanding the consequential outflows that one is creating within the acceptance and allowance of oneself to participate in one's desires that one would design oneself as throughout one's life.

 

I Commit myself to remind myself that I am always the ONE who decide and what ever I created myself as, I also created the forgetfulness of becoming my own creation so that I would never find out that I've created myself as such and accordingly change.

 

I Commit myself to Expose the Design of the Saviour and being Saved that human beings are participating in our journey to find the ONE, the LOVE and within that, SHOW the relationship between the Design and the Media.

 

I Commit myself to be attentive to how my Mode is changing when and as I meet a guy and within that, make sure that I'm not accessing the design of being saved where I would manipulate myself into becoming sad to draw attention within the Hope that the guy would play along and carry the Saviour character.