Apr 27, 2012 | By: A Woman

My Relationship with Sex - Day 13+14

 Here i will be sharing a process that i've been walking in the last 2 days.
I've Not posted yesterday because the points were not completely clear and i decided to give myself another day for self introspection.

During the night, i had 2 dreams which assisted and supported me with further opening the points. The Dreams implied walking a process of investigating all my relationships one by one from the first to the last to assist and support me with realizing the entire system design of sex and my relationship with sexuality, sex, relationship and money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a sexual human being and utilize that knowledge of me to manipulate and lure men even though I know that I will not be with them even for one night because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to fulfil my desires without any self respect as well as not considering the consequences of my actions and the influences that it has on another human being life.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to communicate and be direct with the male and instead, I’ve hoped and desired that the male will fall into my manipulation tactics and it will activate his desire to be with me. Within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to openly communicate the desire for sex with the male because I feared that if I would, I will have to face a rejection and it is safer to remain in my mind domain rather than facing rejection according to my mind’s view.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop and establishing intimacy with another male because I feared that if I communicate and direct the point, I will be exposed and vulnerable and I haven’t consider that if I want to create intimacy with a male, I will have to become intimate by let go of my defense mechanism as my ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I’m utilizing my sexuality to manipulate and lure men, just to get their attention, even though I had no plans to be in an agreement/relationship with them as well as having sex with them. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek for males validation of me so that I could experience self worth instead of realizing that self worth is not defined by other human being and it is Me as Self Worth whom I require to establish through dedicating myself within my process of stepping out of my mind as the entire religion of self that I’ve lived and accepted myself as and change myself to actually LIVING in equality and oneness as the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to beangry at the decisions that I’ve made in my past in relation to men and thus, instead of taking a moment and investigate my starting point in making the decisions and to see what is the pattern that played out, I’ve instead occupied myself in my mind through anger and regret and guilt.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a sexual human being and walked this knowledge of myself throughout my day, without even being aware to the extent of my participation with sexual thoughts, without being aware of how my body moves in a sexual ways as well as not being aware of the sexual signals that I’m sending.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself due the decisions that I’ve made in my past in relation to males and yet, I’ve repeated and made the same type of decisions over and over again, without taking a moment and stop, to question myself and investigate the patter that was playing out.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disrespect myself within the decisions that I’ve made in relation to males because I did not take a moment to investigate what I really want for ME!!!!, what will be the utmost support for myself and what is the quality of the relationship/agreement that I’m interested to participate in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my anger towards males which I’ve previously made the decision to be in agreement/relationship with and instead of sorting myself out and align myself to myself, I became nasty and impatient towards them because than, they would become nasty towards me and I could justify the anger that I experienced towards them which within that, I’ve never turned the anger back to myself and kept on time looping the same pattern again and again and again.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make decisions to be with males based on a jealousy that I’m experiencing towards another female because I believed that if I’ll be in relationship/agreement with a specific being, I will win the secret competition between us and I can than define myself as more than/worthy, without even realizing the consequences of such decisions making and the outflows that it has later in my life and in the lives of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the pattern that is playing out with regards to the point of beingjealous at another female in my life in relation to the decisions that I’m making with regards to which male should I be in a relationship/agreement and or having sex with –
I see myself as inferior to the Female (which create jealousy). I perceive her to be superior and worthy. I assume that she can make a good decision with regards to males. I decide that I want the man that she is interested in because he must be worth something. I lure and manipulate the man into having sex/being in a relationship/agreement with me. If I get what I want, I feel worthy. If I don’t get what I want, I feel depressed, unworthy and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to set up standard for myself in relation to the relationship/agreement that I would like to have from the starting point of support and because I have not done so, I’ve compromised and sabotage myself within walking with males that I haven’t aligned myself with just for the sake of having sex and the hope to fulfil my desires.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that my starting point within my desire for relationship/agreement was to have sex and had nothing to do with actual assistance and support for myself in walking my process of stepping out my mind and stepping into the physical reality because if my starting point was self assistance and support, I wouldn’t go into agreement/relationship before establishing the grounds for an effective and supporting relationship/agreement.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as worthy as well as not believing that I am worthy enough for another human being and thus, I compromised myself and my human physical body and went into relationship/agreement that was doomed to fail before it even started since I have not yet established an effective and supportive agreement with myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unworthy and allowed the experience of inadequacy and unworthiness to be my directive principle within the decision making of being within an agreement with another human being.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my sexuality because I believed that if I would, I won’t be able to control and manipulate beings to get what I want and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an idea and belief that I’m able to control another human being through the activation of my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of my sexuality personality design because I believed that if I would, I will compromise my financial stability because the only way I know to make money is trough manipulating and activating my sexuality personality design.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of my sexuality personality design to be my directive principle because I feared that If I lose my sexuality, I will become hopeless and useless instead of trusting myself to direct myself within the principle of What is Best for all and within that, I do not require any form of personality but can simply remain here in breath and direct myself and my world in common sense.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define people in this world as hopeless because I didn’t see any form of sexuality coming out from them and thus, I feared that if I would let go of my sexuality persona, I will become hopeless.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that sexuality is a self created personality that I’ve created for myself to be able to deceptively control, manipulate and get what I want, for my own self interest and I haven’t consider what is actual sex, as a physicalexpression, as a support for the human physical body within an effective and supportive agreement.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to let go of the personality design of and as sexuality through the belief of gaining some form of control however, what I’ve NOT seen or realized is that this control that I’m trying to hold dear is a deceptive CONtrol as the CON within the rule I’m choosing to play.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that I’m not defined by my sexuality because being defined as only one point such as sexuality, is a very limited version of me and in no way can be a living definition to Life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience shameness for what and who I have become but instead of utilizing shame as a point of change within seeing and realizing my responsibility with my own creation of and as myself, I’ve judged and diminish myself further by being possessed with self embarrassment, shame and regret and in that, missed a moment of transformation to physically and practically change myself because I haven’t realize that If I’m the creator who created my past, I’m the creator who is able and capable to create a self change through rewriting my programming as the living words and transform myself to a physical equality and oneness being which will stand for eternity

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that Shame is the key for self change because only through realizing what I have become and taking for responsibility, I will be able to change myself according to principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define relationship with sex instead of a foundation of agreed principle that will assist and support my partner and myself to become an effective human being who will not take shit from ourselves and each other and will stand as an example for what is possible to be done when one is taking the responsibility to face and investigate oneself within the starting point of self honest will to actual change and transform oneself from a mind energetic version to a physical living.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the perception that sexuality gives me control because I’ve based my entire existence as being dependent on others to define and validate me and thus, to gain the validation and acceptance of me, I’ve created the personality design of sexuality because I’ve seen how easy it is to be validated through utilizing sexuality and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in others instead of creating, establishing and living self trust and self respect through walking SELF agreement.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed self respect through creating and programming the personality design of and as sexuality to fulfil my desires of sex and money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have my first sex with a partner because I thought that the only way to make the relationship work and become stable is if I would have sex with my partner within the idea that if I wouldn’t, he will break up from me. Within that, I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to openly communicate the point with my partner and instead, making decisions based on assumptions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to impulsively make a decision to have sex for the first time with my partner because of a previous moment where I’ve been told by others that he is not good for me and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the nature of rebellion to enslave and control me into making decisions that are not in any way of a support for myself or my human physical body, just to prove that I’m not in fact influence by what other people are telling me even though the fact of the matter is that my actions implies otherwise – I was reacting to the statement that the guy wasn’t good enough for me, instead of taking a moment and breathe, let go of other people opinions/beliefs and make decisions that are based on practical common sense. And also, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having sex with my partner when I was told that he is not good for me and thus, to not have to face the person who told me that this guy isn’t good for me and having to tell them that I did have sex with him, I decided to sabotage myself and my relationship with my partner by breaking up with him the next day.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed guilt to shape and direct my life because I wasn’t willing to consider the principles that I was brought up as because I believed those who raised me despite the fact that if they knew how to raise me effectively, they would have stood up and change this world to a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience regret for how I lived my life without realizing that what was done is done but I can still change my past through making sure that I will not repeat the same mistakes again.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and wonder how my life would have been if I wouldn’t break up with my first sex partner without considering that wondering in itself is a form/type of assumption and thus, completely irrelevant. Within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within my mind through wondering how my life would have been like if I wouldn’t make a decision to break up with my partner and in doing so, I’ve abdicated the responsibility to investigate what is really the point that I’m trying to avoid and not face which is the fear of letting go my definition and desire for a normal life because I wasn’t willing to give up my life as what I’ve defined in separation to be life, out of my self interest and in total disregard of all Lives that are equally valuable as mine.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and point figures towards the way and principles that I was brought up as instead of seeing the family and world system as it is, seeing the deception that we have become as human being in total separation from ourselves and each other and standing up, to not accept and allow the deception to be our directive principle and thus, create and establish a world that is best for all in all ways possible and prepare the way before our children to come to live and be raised as human beings that are in fact Life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from how I was brought up as instead of standing equal to and one as my entire religion of self and from there – stand up from within it and change myself according to and as principles that are best for all.


I commit myself to myself; I commit myself to walk through all the relationship that I’ve had throughout my life to make sure I will not miss any point. I commit myself to not assume that I changed but to actually prove to myself the change through the test of time.

I commit myself to get to know myself as well as what and how I would like to walk an agreement with another as equal to and one as me.

I commit myself to stop the cycle of abuse and self sabotage by not respective and seeing myself as unworthy. I commit myself to walk through the entire sex system design and to never give up until I’m absolutely sure that I’ve walked all the dimension/layers so that I will not be influenced and control by my own creation of and as my mind.

I commit myself to be intimate with my prospective partner and to not utilize sexuality as manipulation to get what I want. I commit myself to openly communicate and share myself through the principle of give that which you would like to receive and stand as an example of direct and open communication.

I commit myself to sort out myself in relation to sexuality and sex so that I could start LIVING instead of being directed by my desires.

I commit myself to redefine a ‘Normal’ Life for myself and to change my programming to a LIFE that is based on the principle of what is best for ALL.

Also, check out - 

Day 13: Failed Relationships

3 comments:

Cathy said...

Awesome Self-forgiveness here! Thanks for sharing Maya

katieconklin said...

"I commit myself to stop the cycle of abuse and self sabotage by not respective and seeing myself as unworthy. I commit myself to walk through the entire sex system design and to never give up until I’m absolutely sure that I’ve walked all the dimension/layers so that I will not be influenced and control by my own creation of and as my mind." - Thank you for sharing this Maya - It was very supportive for me to walk this point while we were at the farm together.

Anna Brix - Equality Process Blog said...

Thank you!

Post a Comment