Dec 29, 2014 | By: A Woman

The relationship between Hope and Depression (introduction) - Day 499

Long long time ago, I faced a break-up with a partner whom I believed to be the 'One'. I didn't handle the break-up very well and went into a long time-loop of depression that lasted for years. I didn't understand the source of the depression until recently. In fact, back then, I justified the existence of depression inside of me by believing that time will cure that which I experienced however recent events forced me to look again at the depression dynamic and what I found within that was 'hope' at the other side of the polarity.

To explain the design of Depression and Hope, I will use the break-up example that I faced long time ago - There was a part of me who couldn't accept it was done/over - a part where I hoped that something would change and we would be together again. During the first 6 months after the break-up, I experienced myself within a deep depression - hoping to find ways to turn the wheels and get us back together again. For example, on my birthday, I invited my friends to a bar that I went with my Ex-partner one night; a bar that my Ex-partner and I created positive experiences together. I remember how in the mind I was hoping that my Ex-partner will show up to my birthday party and give me the best birthday present - himself.
It is interesting to see now how even though I knew he would not come, I still held onto a slight which manifested as intense depression experience. So when the party was about to be done and my Ex-partner didn't show up, and physical reality knocked on my door - extreme sadness and depression possessed me.

I remember how I allowed this image in my mind to exists - it felt so good for a moment and I just wanted to indulge in this experience of hope that he would show up to my birthday. With me indulging in the positive mind experience of hope, I took myself away, for just a moment, from the depression that I was consistently experiencing - but what I haven't considered was - the longer I stood with 'hope' inside of me, the longer I went into the depression cycle when the mind reality and the physical reality didn't manifest the same outcome.

After 6 months, I decided that I must be more directive so I drove down to see him, hoping that when he see me, all the good/positive memories will come back to him and from there, we would again be together. For a moment, that actually what happened - it felt like my dream came through and we are going to be together again. We talked for hours and decided to take it one step at a time and see where we will be heading BUT - he was already scheduled to leave the country for 2 months and he asked that we will see where we are at once he comes back. For more context, this was in a time where internet was not accessible enough to maintaining consistent overseas relationship so in other words, our relationship faced the separation challenges where we were not involved in each other lives for 2 months.
Again, hope was my directive principle and I didn't read the physical reality correctly - in his mind, we were not together and we could see other people during these 2 months and if we were both single when he was back,  we could reassess whether we still want to walk a relationship together. In my mind, we are together though, we are allowed to see other people and when he comes back, there was no doubt about the relationship. What contributed to this hope/belief was when we met once again before he left the country and with a little bit of alcohol, I believed that the 'truth' came out where he started crying and tolf me how sorry he was for breaking up with me, how much he loved me and so forth. 

On many levels I did understand what is it that I am allowing within that decision of only reassessing where we are when he was back but to me, I was clear in how I saw the point as even if I meet someone during these 2 months, it won't override what I felt about him, it will not take away my hope of us going back  together. And so, when I did meet someone, I only took it to a point of playing and having fun with each other but nothing more serious than that. Though at the same time, when he met someone overseas, he created a relationship with another that was strong enough to let me go inside of himself.

Not knowing that he already was in a serious relationship during his overseas period, I was planning to make international call on his birthday as an excuse to talk to him, hear his voice and feel him. My anticipation and excitement about this call was massive, also because our first kiss was on his birthday so it was 'meaningful day' in how I made it in my mind. 10 seconds after I made the call, I knew that something was off with him - he already was in a relationship and me, as the hope that I was carrying inside of me, crushed.

This was supposed to be the point where the 'hope' could no longer exists inside of me but interestingly enough, it sure did. For years I hoped that one day he will wake up and realize he had made a mistake and I will be waiting with open harms to forgive him and continue our path together. Here you must understand that I didn't see myself carrying 'hope' per say - all I could see and experience was 'justified' depression. Meaning, I wasn't so conscious about the Hope and I didn't see how I am directing my reality according to this hope and how much of this hope contributed to my depression.

Within this 'unseen hope and the justified depression', I sabotaged any form of worthwhile relationships with other people. Both with new potential partners and with old friends who couldn't understand what I was going through and I couldn't handle them not accepting the depression I was experiencing to the extent of removing these friends from my reality.

With potential partners - I unconsciously wanted to be available for when the Ex was ready to come back together. Meaning, I didn't allow myself to commit to any other partner as that would mean that the Ex and myself will never be together. All this time I thought that I didn't want to face a lose again and that was why I didn't want to commit to any relationship but in self honesty I am seeing now that it was the 'hope' that I didn't want to let go for a very long time.

Looking at myself back then, I cannot say that I didn't see the 'hope' dimension at all - the hope was there in my living application and the choices that I have made; for example, I consciously hooked up with celebrities, hoping to be seen in the gossip section of the newspaper so that the Ex would see and get jealous and run back to me.
Unfortunately, I did not have the tools that I have today to truly introspect and investigate that which I was doing to myself. After a few years, I found the power inside of me to delete him from my world - no phone number, no FaceBook, no going out to where I may see him. That was the first step but With the depression being an accepted state of mind, I gave up on relationships for almost a decade inside of myself, just because I didn't understand how to support myself to let go of the depression through letting go of the hope.

These days, I am facing the same point again but within self-empowered view where I do not accept and allow myself to linger into emotions and feelings that do not stand equal and one with who I am today as the path that I've walked in developing self-worth, self-trust and understanding of myself. These days, I will not just wait for time to cure me, I am taking full responsibility for playouts in my life and accordingly, I learn from the experiences that I am facing, getting to know parts of myself that I haven't seen before and thus, self-empowering myself to not make the same mistakes again as one thing is clear - I can never lose myself again, I am always here. 

So here was some examples of how the Hope-Depression polarity played out in my life and in the next blog I will be focusing more on how and why do we hold onto 'Hope'? Why can't we let go of the Hope? 
I will be sharing about 2 dimensions that I have found for myself so far:
  1. The belief that certain self-expressions that came out of me during the relationship can only be expressed within the same relationship structure.
  2. Not wanting to face physical reality, self-responsibilities and self-honesty within the realization that primarily, the relationship was always on a mind level and not really on a physical level.
And later on, I will also share practical assistance and support of how to stop the Hope/Depression cycle within ourselves and allow ourselves to just be, explore and live.


Kim Amourette said...

Awesome post Maya, I recognize the point as something that I have also faced within my life and its a very powerful insight into the experience of depression that you shared here! Thanks!

Christian Stahl said...

Very cool! Can definitely relate. Thanks for sharing!

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