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To walk through the
dimension of the beliefs that certain expressions can only be expressed with a
certain beings around, I will have to take you back to where I was at, back in
the days, when I walked through the Hope/Depression cycles after a breakup. Thus,
for context, please read my previous blog -
During the time I
met my Ex-partner, I was going through extreme changes in my life. I started
university, studying something that I didn't enjoy and within me felt that the
freedom to decide who I wanted to be and become was taken away from me. I
wasn't satisfied from where my life were going and I started having the feeling
that something is wrong with this world - that people cannot be trusted but I
couldn't really pinpoint the source of that which I started seeing in the world
and in people. At this stage in time, I didn't allow people to go into the
depth of me very easily so I chose very carefully whom am I getting in and whom
am I keeping in distance. My environment was one of these environments where I
couldn't trust the intentions of people so in many ways, I felt alone even
though I was surrounded with a lot of people all of the time.
The day we met, I
was with my friends in Thailand, it was one of these days where I was looking
at my life, at who I am in relation to my environment and I felt sadness - I
felt that I'm not expressing who I really am but following life like a
mainstream sheep. I was sitting in a place where there were many people around
me, yet I 'felt' alone and suddenly this guy is sitting next to me and the
first question he asked me was: "why are you sad?". It was shocking
because I couldn't understand how the hell someone could see into me to such
specificity. I felt that my privacy was intruded and I pushed this guy away
from me - not allowing myself to face the question and allowing this stranger
to be an objective sounding board / support so that potentially, I could step
out of the sadness that I felt inside.
Fortunately, this
guy was persistent and to make a long story short, there was a window of
opportunity for us to get to know each other and for me to discuss the sadness
that I was experiencing as I was "stuck" in the same airplane with
him for 12 hours on our way back home. When we came home, it was clear to the
both of us that we are jumping up the relationship wagon straight into the deep
water.
What started to come
out of me more was what I believed to be "self-expression of joy"
because I didn't experience the sadness that I felt before I met him to such
extreme though at the same time, I understand now that I was more into the mind reality than in the
physical reality, and that actually created the illusion of me expressing joy
which I was obviously not aware of back then (Again, if you didn't read the
previous 2 blogs, you might as well stop here and catch up to be able to
understand what does it mean mind reality vs. physical reality).
With him, I was
expose to self-expressions that I haven't experience before - there was
something about him that activated parts of myself that I didn't know existing
- for the first time in my life I was relaxed, calm, myself, enjoying me with
the presence of another. Our direct environments were different in nature,
cultural wise - I saw my environment as fake with no real substance, chasing
money and success and his environment was more grounded, down to earth and I
really enjoyed it, I could resonate with his environment much better than mine
so on many levels, I believed that with him, I was at 'home', not seeing how I
have separated myself from myself within the belief that I am is what my
environment tells me that I am.
So with me wanting
to express and experience happiness and joy more as I haven't had it before in
my life, I gave all of myself to the relationship, hoping I will forever
continue expressing and experiencing joy which I believed that this happiness
and joy can only be expressed with him being a part of my life as if he was the
one who gave happiness and joy to me. Thus, when we broke up and the illusion
of joy and happiness could be no more, I fell really hard into the sadness and
depression while consistently hoping we will be together again so that I could
express and experience all these feelings again, that I believe can only be
experienced and expressed with him being with me. (For more context read - The
relationship between Hope and Depression (introduction) - Day 499 ) It's
like I made the decision to not express joy and happiness unless we are
together as joy and happiness belong to us being together, not realizing that
self expression has to do with who I am and what I decide to express in any
given moment as myself, regardless of whom is in my environment.
In my next blog, I
will open up the source of the sadness that I experienced before and after I
met him and go into the specificity of why is it that in my mind, I separated
myself from genuine self expression by associating expressions with different
environments / people instead of realizing that Self-Expression is a decision
that one is making in a moment of breath as who one is. In this also, why with
not understanding what self expression is as a genuine expression of oneself,
we project certain expressions onto others within the belief that they give us
these expressions and without them, we cannot express that which we want to
express and how this contribute to the Hope and Depression cycles.
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