Learning to Accept myself - Practical Application (Part 1) Day 411

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to value what others think about me or more specifically, what I believed that others thinks of me and through this perceived value, I would then judge myself positively or negatively and created an idea of myself, in my own mind as to either being accepted or unaccepted by others through which I either accepted or unaccepted myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take one moment of when another was reacting to me, and in that moment, take the other personally and so placed an imaginary shield within myself, believing that this person was no longer accepting me and thus, I must walk away from this relationship. In that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that reacting and taking things personally, walking away from a relationship/friendship also means that not only I compromise myself in giving power to the thoughts in my mind to define who I am and to then thus, abdicating my responsibility in walking away from the relationship/friendship without introspection/investigation and so, creating the same pattern again in the next relationship/friendship that I start immediately developing.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that as long as I am reacting to another and taking them personally, I cannot practically support them in seeing their self-responsibility within their reactions and thus contributing to the predisposition of our dysfunctional relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern within and as myself wherein the moment I react to another within the context of taking their words personally to then leave, either physically or mentally instead of taking a breath, looking at all things, all relationships, dimensions, play outs, etc. and from that moment of clarity, to then direct myself effectively, stand in self responsibility and if necessary, communicate the point with the other within the starting point of mutual assistance and support.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place self value, self worth, self acceptance through other people's eye views without realizing that what I perceived to be the way others are valuing or accepting me is through my own mind, as how I saw myself and through this separation, not realizing that I was my own worst enemy and that I was always the one who in fact sabotaged and compromised myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see a conflict as the end of a relationship/friendship and so, when and as a conflict was created, I believed the end is close and so, not realizing that through that belief, I have actually created the end of the relationship/friendship slowly but surely made this belief real within and as myself as justification for myself to either run away from the relationship/friendship or unconsciously behave in a way that would literally end the relationship/friendship.

I commit myself to when and as a conflict with another comes up, to then stop any and all participation in reactions within and as myself, breathe, investigate, stand in absolute self responsibility in self honesty and direct myself effectively.

I commit myself to when and as another is making a statement about me, to stop any and all reactions that come up from within me, ask the person to clarify the statement and investigate in self honesty who I am within that statement, what is the context of which the statement was said and thus, I commit myself to make assumptions in my own mind as to what the person meant but to instead, be direct, clarify the point and if there is a problem to then find and walk solution that is best.

I realize that within self acceptance - no matter what another is saying to or towards me, nothing within me moves as I take in the information, assess, investigate and check the information, who I am in relation to the information and accordingly, trust myself to direct myself to the utmost potential in any moment of breath. I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself through and within taking another personally and thus, I commit myself to transform these reactions into solutions through effective communication.

Learning to Accept myself - Day 410

Throughout my life, I felt that I'm not accepted by others. 

I have a memory of my mother taking me to the mirror and asking me to look at myself and accept myself; 

she asked - why can you not see what I see in you.

 Here there are 2 interesting dimensions:

1. That day, when I looked at the mirror, I didn't like what I saw because what I saw is a fake human being with multiple personalities so that I could maintain and sustain the relationships in my life. I felt like a chameleon that played a specific role that would suit best for each of my social groups and some of these roles I despised.
2. When this memory came up, I placed myself again in front of the mirror and looked in self honesty at the girl in the mirror that my mother showed me long time ago, maybe 20 years ago, and what I saw is a fearful girl that is so afraid of being judged by others that she had to eliminate herself and her natural expression for the sake of being accepted by others because so long as she couldn't receive the outside acceptance, she couldn't accept herself. The interesting thing is that this girl, is me and how I lived my life thus far.

My life started at age 7 when we moved to another neighborhood. I don't have many memories from before age 7, I don't remember the nature of my relationships and who I was within these relationships. The relationships didn't mean much to me and I didn't feel sad when we moved and I left my friends. My best friend at that time was my cousin which we still hang out together after I moved so I didn't experience any loss when we moved to the new place.

At age 7, I started school and started to build new relationships. I was told that there is a girl that I should be friends with because our parents know each other and she just moved to the building next to ours. We were placed in the same class and slowly but surely became best friends. Every Tuesday I went to her house after school because my mother had to work late while my grandmother was taking care of my baby sister. One day, I heard her speaking on the phone with her father and she said to him: "Maya's grandmother is home and she (Maya) is still here". The way she said it sounded like she didn't want me there and I took it extremely personally. I felt betrayed, I felt unaccepted and so I left her house and didn't speak with her for weeks. Our parents intervened after a while and made us connect and become friends again. Though within me, I knew it was a bad idea and that I was better off without her in my life because around her, I couldn't be me, I feared standing up because she was very dominant and she would always speak down at others if someone had the courage to say something to her that she didn't like. I feared that she would gossip with others about me and take with her all our friends and because of that I feared that unless I stick by her side, I will be a social outcast.

For example, at some stage, we were a group of 10 girls namely "The 10". "The 10" used to meet every Friday night at one of the girl's house and we would sit in a circle and each one, in turn, would express what she saw within the girl(s) that she didn't like. It sounds supportive, but in reality it was not. No-one said anything towards my best friend, but only towards the other girls and when it was the turn of my best friend to speak, she would diminish us, she would take us down, she humiliated us and I believed that it was my job as her best friend to back her up and so, at some stage, I became her follower and would be as nasty as she was towards my other friends. Years later I apologized to one specific friend for what I have done to her, but the interesting thing is that I didn't forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to do unto her.

In my mind I schemed a plan to go to a different High-School so that I could finally be free from this relationship. Here I'm talking about 6 years before high school that I made this plan in my mind, because I didn't have the courage to stand up and show what the other is accepting and allowing themselves to do onto others. Even worse, I became that which I didn't like in her because I feared to be a social outcast and so, my self-interest dominated any common sense and within that, I didn't consider the lives of others and how my actions would impact them. Making long story long - after 9 years of destructive relationships, I moved to a different high school  and slowly but surely, as I expected, our relationship faded away without me having to put my foot down and say to her – “stop your shit now”. And not only to her, but me taking responsibility for who I accepted and allowed myself to be/become and essentially also say to myself “stop your shit now”.

Obviously, I didn't want to create any close relationships with anyone ever again so that I won't feel suffocated and controlled like I felt for 9 long years. I was so used to living within a state of self-diminishment, self-disrespect and fear of other people and thus, the relationships that could have been supportive for me, I ran away from the moment it became too intense where I would feel suffocated and the relationships I did maintain were the relationships that are superficial and unsupportive.

Within it all - in a way, I lost myself from the perspective of not being able to accept myself, I couldn't let go of my past and the judgment I had towards myself, I couldn't move forward and develop supportive relationships and without consciously understanding the design. I could only accept and validate myself through those who I perceived as more than me, better than me.

Going back to the girl in the mirror - the chameleon that I didn't like was the part of me that kept the relationships superficial as a point of protection mechanism; I didn't like the things I had to do to be able to be accepted, I didn't like my behavior, I didn't like that I couldn't express myself as freely as I would have done secretly when I was alone; I didn't like the judgment I have towards myself. But at the same time, didn't have the tools to support myself to stop participating in my own path of self-diminishment. I didn't like the constant fear I felt within myself, fear of being judged and not being accepted by others. I didn't see a way out.

One day, I met this guy; I met him in a very depressive phase of my life – when I was in a deep sadness within myself. Most people couldn't see the sadness in me. Actually no one but my mother was able to see it because over the years, I developed acting skills to hide myself from what was going on inside me. But this guy also noticed the sadness and he was very upfront about it. He didn't know me at all and came to sit next to me and asked me why the hell I am sad. I resisted him of course and acted like a total bitch towards him, though he was persistent. After a few weeks, it happened that we met again and we had a long talk, a talk that lasted for 6 months where the sadness inside me was suppressed, until we broke up.

When I investigated the point, I went back to the moment where he unexpectedly broke up with me and within that, I found a fascinating point. The day before we broke up, it was the first time within our relationship that I said - 'No more, I'm not accepting this shit' that he did and I stood up and communicated the point with him - it was our first fight, and the last. The next day he broke up with me within the everlasting statement: "it is not you, it is me - you do not deserve me". It was the worst day of my life and this day lasted for a few years of hidden depression.

The point that I want to discuss today was what I have done within my mind, how I have sabotaged myself since that day, how I compromised myself and how this point had contributed to the feeling of not being accepted by others.

Throughout my relationship with that guy, I did everything possible to please him; I never said anything that could have compromised the relationship. I feared confrontations, I feared that it would lead to a break up and so, my worst fear had manifested the moment I stood up for the first time within our relationship. I deliberately made myself smaller than him so that he could feel that he is more, that he is my savior; I allowed him to disrespect or more specifically to not consider me around other people because I feared that if I say anything, he would choose his friends over me. This is the very same designed I have  allowed back down the line with my childhood best friend. This relationship was not supportive in any way though I couldn't see it because I was so "in love" with the idea of us being together and that I finally found my one - the one who could make me feel alive again. The one who I can freely express myself with.

 

When the relationship ended, what was dominant was the repeating thought - "If only I didn’t stand up that day and go along with that which he was doing". If only I didn’t stand up - was the key for how I have sabotaged myself all these years because what I did within my mind was looking at this one point of standing up=breaking up. In my mind, I took this one moment of standing up and I made this moment invalid as if that was the point that led to the fall of our  relationship. I judged and blamed myself for doing it as if I was the cause for my own depression because I did it to myself, I ruined the relationship and it was all my fault. Not seeing/realizing/understanding how ALL of that was a belief – because, it wasn’t that moment of standing up that defined the break-up for the relationship; the relationship was dysfunctional from the start. So, it was interesting looking back at that moment – how I took that ONE POINT of standing up and blamed myself for breaking up the relationship – lol, not taking ALL things into consideration / the ENTIRE relationship into consideration. Fascinating what we do to ourselves in our minds when we look at things in self judgment – instead of commonsense investigation. I haven't till a few days ago looked at the entire design of how and why I accepted and allowed a dysfunctional relationships to even exist within my life without me directing the relationship effectively as a foundation of support from which we can expand, grow and empower ourselves.

The design through which I have lived as - I cannot accept myself without others accepting me first. The only way others can accept me is if I diminish myself for them to feel good about themselves. Now, every time there is a conflict within a relationship I have with another, one of 2 things can happen -

1. I will disappear from their life and never look back.
2. I will diminish myself and not speak up so that the point can fade away and everything can be "ok" again while still holding on a grudge, judgment and blame.

Within it all, what I have not considered is that supportive relationships can only work in reverse to how I lived relationships - it is only through communication, self-responsibility and self-honesty that a relationship can stand as a foundation of support. It is only through unconditional letting go of self interest within the principle of Give as You would like to Receive that the relationship that is trustworthy could be developed.

It is only through me, allowing myself to be vulnerable and letting go of the inner control I have set forth as a protection mechanism that I can allow another to get to know me. It is only through self support that I can stand as a support for another. It is only through self acceptance that I can create a supportive relationship with myself first- accepting the little girl that I saw in the mirror and stop resisting her and so, through accepting her as equal part of who I have become is the key from which I can correct and change that which I didn't accept in that girl that is me. It is only through accepting me that I can stop judging me and instead of reacting to myself in judgment, to investigate all aspects of myself and practically correct myself. It is time to constructively support myself and transform the self judgment, the inner belief that I'm not worthy to a point of absolute self acceptance within the trust that I'm here, a pillar of my own support in standing as a living expression of Life that is best for all.

My Relationship with Sex - Day 13+14

 Here i will be sharing a process that i've been walking in the last 2 days.

I've Not posted yesterday because the points were not completely clear and i decided to give myself another day for self introspection.

During the night, i had 2 dreams which assisted and supported me with further opening the points. The Dreams implied walking a process of investigating all my relationships one by one from the first to the last to assist and support me with realizing the entire system design of sex and my relationship with sexuality, sex, relationship and money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a sexual human being and utilize that knowledge of me to manipulate and lure men even though I know that I will not be with them even for one night because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to fulfil my desires without any self respect as well as not considering the consequences of my actions and the influences that it has on another human being life.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to communicate and be direct with the male and instead, I’ve hoped and desired that the male will fall into my manipulation tactics and it will activate his desire to be with me. Within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to openly communicate the desire for sex with the male because I feared that if I would, I will have to face a rejection and it is safer to remain in my mind domain rather than facing rejection according to my mind’s view.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop and establishing intimacy with another male because I feared that if I communicate and direct the point, I will be exposed and vulnerable and I haven’t consider that if I want to create intimacy with a male, I will have to become intimate by let go of my defense mechanism as my ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I’m utilizing my sexuality to manipulate and lure men, just to get their attention, even though I had no plans to be in an agreement/relationship with them as well as having sex with them. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek for males validation of me so that I could experience self worth instead of realizing that self worth is not defined by other human being and it is Me as Self Worth whom I require to establish through dedicating myself within my process of stepping out of my mind as the entire religion of self that I’ve lived and accepted myself as and change myself to actually LIVING in equality and oneness as the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to beangry at the decisions that I’ve made in my past in relation to men and thus, instead of taking a moment and investigate my starting point in making the decisions and to see what is the pattern that played out, I’ve instead occupied myself in my mind through anger and regret and guilt.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a sexual human being and walked this knowledge of myself throughout my day, without even being aware to the extent of my participation with sexual thoughts, without being aware of how my body moves in a sexual ways as well as not being aware of the sexual signals that I’m sending.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself due the decisions that I’ve made in my past in relation to males and yet, I’ve repeated and made the same type of decisions over and over again, without taking a moment and stop, to question myself and investigate the patter that was playing out.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disrespect myself within the decisions that I’ve made in relation to males because I did not take a moment to investigate what I really want for ME!!!!, what will be the utmost support for myself and what is the quality of the relationship/agreement that I’m interested to participate in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my anger towards males which I’ve previously made the decision to be in agreement/relationship with and instead of sorting myself out and align myself to myself, I became nasty and impatient towards them because than, they would become nasty towards me and I could justify the anger that I experienced towards them which within that, I’ve never turned the anger back to myself and kept on time looping the same pattern again and again and again.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make decisions to be with males based on a jealousy that I’m experiencing towards another female because I believed that if I’ll be in relationship/agreement with a specific being, I will win the secret competition between us and I can than define myself as more than/worthy, without even realizing the consequences of such decisions making and the outflows that it has later in my life and in the lives of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the pattern that is playing out with regards to the point of beingjealous at another female in my life in relation to the decisions that I’m making with regards to which male should I be in a relationship/agreement and or having sex with –

I see myself as inferior to the Female (which create jealousy). I perceive her to be superior and worthy. I assume that she can make a good decision with regards to males. I decide that I want the man that she is interested in because he must be worth something. I lure and manipulate the man into having sex/being in a relationship/agreement with me. If I get what I want, I feel worthy. If I don’t get what I want, I feel depressed, unworthy and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to set up standard for myself in relation to the relationship/agreement that I would like to have from the starting point of support and because I have not done so, I’ve compromised and sabotage myself within walking with males that I haven’t aligned myself with just for the sake of having sex and the hope to fulfil my desires.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that my starting point within my desire for relationship/agreement was to have sex and had nothing to do with actual assistance and support for myself in walking my process of stepping out my mind and stepping into the physical reality because if my starting point was self assistance and support, I wouldn’t go into agreement/relationship before establishing the grounds for an effective and supporting relationship/agreement.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as worthy as well as not believing that I am worthy enough for another human being and thus, I compromised myself and my human physical body and went into relationship/agreement that was doomed to fail before it even started since I have not yet established an effective and supportive agreement with myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unworthy and allowed the experience of inadequacy and unworthiness to be my directive principle within the decision making of being within an agreement with another human being.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my sexuality because I believed that if I would, I won’t be able to control and manipulate beings to get what I want and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an idea and belief that I’m able to control another human being through the activation of my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of my sexuality personality design because I believed that if I would, I will compromise my financial stability because the only way I know to make money is trough manipulating and activating my sexuality personality design.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of my sexuality personality design to be my directive principle because I feared that If I lose my sexuality, I will become hopeless and useless instead of trusting myself to direct myself within the principle of What is Best for all and within that, I do not require any form of personality but can simply remain here in breath and direct myself and my world in common sense.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define people in this world as hopeless because I didn’t see any form of sexuality coming out from them and thus, I feared that if I would let go of my sexuality persona, I will become hopeless.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that sexuality is a self created personality that I’ve created for myself to be able to deceptively control, manipulate and get what I want, for my own self interest and I haven’t consider what is actual sex, as a physicalexpression, as a support for the human physical body within an effective and supportive agreement.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to let go of the personality design of and as sexuality through the belief of gaining some form of control however, what I’ve NOT seen or realized is that this control that I’m trying to hold dear is a deceptive CONtrol as the CON within the rule I’m choosing to play.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that I’m not defined by my sexuality because being defined as only one point such as sexuality, is a very limited version of me and in no way can be a living definition to Life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience shameness for what and who I have become but instead of utilizing shame as a point of change within seeing and realizing my responsibility with my own creation of and as myself, I’ve judged and diminish myself further by being possessed with self embarrassment, shame and regret and in that, missed a moment of transformation to physically and practically change myself because I haven’t realize that If I’m the creator who created my past, I’m the creator who is able and capable to create a self change through rewriting my programming as the living words and transform myself to a physical equality and oneness being which will stand for eternity

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that Shame is the key for self change because only through realizing what I have become and taking for responsibility, I will be able to change myself according to principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define relationship with sex instead of a foundation of agreed principle that will assist and support my partner and myself to become an effective human being who will not take shit from ourselves and each other and will stand as an example for what is possible to be done when one is taking the responsibility to face and investigate oneself within the starting point of self honest will to actual change and transform oneself from a mind energetic version to a physical living.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the perception that sexuality gives me control because I’ve based my entire existence as being dependent on others to define and validate me and thus, to gain the validation and acceptance of me, I’ve created the personality design of sexuality because I’ve seen how easy it is to be validated through utilizing sexuality and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in others instead of creating, establishing and living self trust and self respect through walking SELF agreement.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed self respect through creating and programming the personality design of and as sexuality to fulfil my desires of sex and money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have my first sex with a partner because I thought that the only way to make the relationship work and become stable is if I would have sex with my partner within the idea that if I wouldn’t, he will break up from me. Within that, I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to openly communicate the point with my partner and instead, making decisions based on assumptions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to impulsively make a decision to have sex for the first time with my partner because of a previous moment where I’ve been told by others that he is not good for me and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the nature of rebellion to enslave and control me into making decisions that are not in any way of a support for myself or my human physical body, just to prove that I’m not in fact influence by what other people are telling me even though the fact of the matter is that my actions implies otherwise – I was reacting to the statement that the guy wasn’t good enough for me, instead of taking a moment and breathe, let go of other people opinions/beliefs and make decisions that are based on practical common sense. And also, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having sex with my partner when I was told that he is not good for me and thus, to not have to face the person who told me that this guy isn’t good for me and having to tell them that I did have sex with him, I decided to sabotage myself and my relationship with my partner by breaking up with him the next day.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed guilt to shape and direct my life because I wasn’t willing to consider the principles that I was brought up as because I believed those who raised me despite the fact that if they knew how to raise me effectively, they would have stood up and change this world to a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience regret for how I lived my life without realizing that what was done is done but I can still change my past through making sure that I will not repeat the same mistakes again.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and wonder how my life would have been if I wouldn’t break up with my first sex partner without considering that wondering in itself is a form/type of assumption and thus, completely irrelevant. Within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within my mind through wondering how my life would have been like if I wouldn’t make a decision to break up with my partner and in doing so, I’ve abdicated the responsibility to investigate what is really the point that I’m trying to avoid and not face which is the fear of letting go my definition and desire for a normal life because I wasn’t willing to give up my life as what I’ve defined in separation to be life, out of my self interest and in total disregard of all Lives that are equally valuable as mine.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and point figures towards the way and principles that I was brought up as instead of seeing the family and world system as it is, seeing the deception that we have become as human being in total separation from ourselves and each other and standing up, to not accept and allow the deception to be our directive principle and thus, create and establish a world that is best for all in all ways possible and prepare the way before our children to come to live and be raised as human beings that are in fact Life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from how I was brought up as instead of standing equal to and one as my entire religion of self and from there – stand up from within it and change myself according to and as principles that are best for all.

I commit myself to myself; I commit myself to walk through all the relationship that I’ve had throughout my life to make sure I will not miss any point. I commit myself to not assume that I changed but to actually prove to myself the change through the test of time.

I commit myself to get to know myself as well as what and how I would like to walk an agreement with another as equal to and one as me.

I commit myself to stop the cycle of abuse and self sabotage by not respective and seeing myself as unworthy. I commit myself to walk through the entire sex system design and to never give up until I’m absolutely sure that I’ve walked all the dimension/layers so that I will not be influenced and control by my own creation of and as my mind.

I commit myself to be intimate with my prospective partner and to not utilize sexuality as manipulation to get what I want. I commit myself to openly communicate and share myself through the principle of give that which you would like to receive and stand as an example of direct and open communication.

I commit myself to sort out myself in relation to sexuality and sex so that I could start LIVING instead of being directed by my desires.

I commit myself to redefine a ‘Normal’ Life for myself and to change my programming to a LIFE that is based on the principle of what is best for ALL.

Also, check out - 

Day 13: Failed Relationships