When a past Memory possess you - Day 432

 A few weeks ago, I was invited to participate in a Zulu Radio show to discuss some issues about Education. While I was sitting in the recording room, 5 min before I was aired, a memory came up and in a matter of a moment, I allowed myself to be possessed by the memory and  the energies this memory was based on and therefore, the consequences were not late to manifest.

 

The memory that came up was from when I was 12 years old or so - I won in a TV game that I played from home and because I was the first one to win the game, I was invited to be interviewed in the TV studio on a LIVE show. In a nutshell, I was petrified from the event and I couldn't handle the experience very well. The thoughts of being on a LIVE TV was overwhelming. During the show, I felt so uncomfortable inside myself that my facial muscles started to twitch and as it happened, self judgment kicked in and I was absolutely embarrassed. I hadn't thought about this memory for years now until it was 5 or less min before I was aired and suddenly, this memory possessed me and all the energy I suppressed for 20 years came up at once and as I was busy with alignments (Self Forgiveness, breathing), it was time for me to start speaking BUT, I wasn't done with my corrective application and so - I started to speak while being possessed with the energy of the past memory.

 

Everything was moving fast, I had 7 min to speak even though the plan was for me to speak for 15 min and therefore, as I was busy with my correction, I was also required to speak and on top of that, to make it in half of the time that I had prepared myself for.

 

I'm grateful that Gian was with me and could support me to stabilize myself. The first thing he had told me after the show was "Stop! Don't say a word". That allowed me to have a moment to investigate what just happened and so I saw the entire play out of how one single memory took over, the moment I missed a breath. With the words: "Stop, don't say a word", I could quickly move from the self judgment mode to a self empowerment application where I realized that: "Ok, so this just happened, it's done, the show cannot be changed; so what can I learn from this event and how I can practically assist and support myself to prevent such events in the future?".

 

The reason why I shared with you this point was to make us all aware of how, we, in a split of a moment, miss a breath and allow a past memory to control and direct our living application. The example I shared here is an apparent example that was visible, noticeable and consequential however, realize and understand that in every moment that we miss a breath, we, in that moment allow past events to control and direct our living application. In many situations, we are not even aware of such memories and how these memories play a role within the words we speak and the actions we take. 

This can be prevented in time, as one walk one's process of self awareness in self honesty and thus I invite you to take the first step to better understanding your mind through the FREE online course - DIP Lite.

 

Thanks

Don't you Dare Blaming me - Day 244

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react and access defense mode when and as someone is directly or indirectly blaming me for their Negative Experience and within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Realize that when allow myself to React and take their Blame Personally, I accept and allow myself to embody energetic system into and as me, that I feed with my attention I give it through my emotions and feelings, which is really, a (re)act of insanity wherein, one is accepting and allowed oneself to embed energy systems that wasn't previously existent within and as oneself but now, making the system one's own, which now, one has a bigger problem as one has to go back, investigate one's acceptance and allowance and correct oneself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to program myself to (Re)act when someone is directly or indirectly blaming me for their negative experience that they have associated with me and within that, haven't investigated why and how I have programmed myself, when did I first stored and installed this program and what is the Self Interest starting point of this Programming because obviously, if I accepted this programming as myself, there was something i believed I would benefit from.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I react to another blaming me for their own Negative Experience, I do not stand as a pillar of support, both for myself and another because when I am in a reaction within a defense mode, trying to justify myself or fight for my righteous believes about myself and at the same time, the other will fight for their right to make their point while neither of us is actually inverting the points of reactions back to ourselves in seeing, realizing and understanding why and how we have accepted and allowed the reaction to exists within and as ourselves and accordingly, stand as the directive principle and make the decision to not accept and allow ourselves to participate in such reactions as we see, realize and understand that accepting and allowing these reactions to continue, we accept and allow ourselves to disempower and diminish ourselves which within that, become lesser version of ourselves than who we really are as an expression of ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to program myself to react and take things personally when another is blaming me or having some sort of attitude towards my presence which within that, what I haven't considered and/or realized for myself is that when and as I take the other personally, I validate their experience by making it my own, and in that moment of acceptance and allowance, I disempower myself through not standing in stability and clarity, as Breath, within and as myself, and thus, cannot support myself or the other as I'm already in a mind fuck of my own.

 

I thus Commit myself to assist and support myself in investigating in depth the design of Reaction that I've created within and as myself and within that, investigate the multidimensionality of the design so that I could for once and for all, stop all reactions within and as myself, to assist and support myself to be and become an effective human beings in this world where I stand in any given moment as a pillar of support for myself and others.

 

I Commit myself to investigate the Reaction Games that I had accepted and allowed within and as myself to participate within the relationships that I have with other human beings in this world as I see now that when and as I accept and allow myself to react and take things personally, I accept and allow my own disempowerment, diminishment and thus, compromise of myself and others.

 

I Commit myself to Flag the points of Reaction when it occur and to remind myself that accepting and allowing myself to communicate while and within a reaction is useless and counterproductive and in no way a form of support for myself nor others.

Establishing Self Trust - Part 1- Day 85

It has been very clear today, within myself, that I've not yet established an absolute self trust within myself and I see now that what ever I worked with thus far, needs to be re-walked when and as self trust will be absolute within and as myself. So, I'm taking a moment to look at Self Trust and the Decision of who I am as the expression of self trust.

From a very young age, within me, there was always a sense of doubt even in times that I've presented myself as clear, stable and comfortable within who and what I am;

In every decision that I've made during my life, it was always in dependency to how others perceive, allow or judge me and only when those component where aligned with my decision, I could experience myself as if I've made the "right" decision and respectively, if the others didn't approve/allowed the decision, I would experience inner turmoil as if I made the "wrong" decision.

It is fascinating how my decisions were always in alignment to the voices in my head where I played all the possible scenes, people, possibilities and have discussion with them, still in my mind, to justify why the decision that I'm about to do is the right thing and I planned in advance their reactions and accordingly, discussed that with them, in my mind, to prepare myself to face the friction/conflict which obviously, it never worked out because in the moment of conflict, I was never stable within and as myself, always defending my decision, trying to prove that I'm right.

I have never considered that doubt can only emerge when and as my decision isn't clear within and as myself as well as not trusting who I am within the decision and stand stable despite of other people opinions and reactions. I have never considered that If I'm planning to make a decision in the future, I'm not in fact changing as the decision was somewhere in the future and only when I decide, I will change. Thus change, wasn't really a part of the equation within the decision making so, did I really ever change or only created a character that have changed one's suit?

So, throughout my life, even when my decision didn't stand the accepted social norms and yet, I've made them, doubt was a constant experience. Like despite of me walking my decisions, still back chats, inner turmoil, inner conversation with other beings in my world was allowed within and as myself which reveal one very obvious point - self trust as who I am, wasn't established/lived which questioned all and every decision that I've made thus far.

And thus, back to the drawing board so to speak and walk the time line of all the decisions that I have ever made allocate the starting point, look at the information that I was working with in order to make a decision, what memories was part of the decision making and accordingly, in self honesty, make sure that I am able to practically stand for eternity, as the decisions as who I am, in self trust, despite of the frictions, conflicts and disagreements that may emerge in my world and my reality.

As I write, I experience nausea just above my solar plexus, more to the heart area and when I spoke the word "fear" the nausea became more dominant which confirm that it is in fact Fear that I'm experiencing.

The fear is in the nature of expecting the worst as part of the decision making because in essence, I'm dealing with changing who I have become to Who I am as Self trust as a decision, that decision of standing in the face of existence as self trust implies that I change, that change, wouldn't necessarily be accepted by the people in my world and my reality and may cause friction and conflict as they will want to keep me as a character - a character of self doubt, indecisionness, inferior so that their world will be safe and sound and none will be forced to change with and as me.

So How has the system supported me in making decision in self doubt and why is it that we were not supported to make decisions within and as the principle of that which is best for all and absolutely trust ourselves within and as who we are, in self trust? And how, to practically assist and support myself to stand in absolute self trust within and as every moment of every breath?

Despite the fact that I've never been really punished as a child, was never physically abused as a child, I've still made my decisions in fear. For me, the emotional manipulation was far worst than a fear of physical abuse/punishment because other's emotions were always my directive principle and I was easily allowed myself to be manipulated/influenced by it.

I was always very reactive to other people body language, emotional reactions and I was willing to diminish and compromise myself for the sake of 'peace' within my relationship dynamics with people in my world and my reality.  But, is it really so? Was it a peace that I was seeking for or the rewarding experience of a 'feeling' good/right? Was the reward a  point that I placed trust in?

It is becoming clear now that I've place trust in anything and anyone who provide for me the experience of reward. Either as energetic experience via a positive affirmation/validation of me or either through a material rewards that I've got because I was apparently "good".

Am I willing to stand in the face of existence, in absolute self trust no matter what may come? In the face of a conflict, friction and disagreement and trust myself within who I am as the directive principle of myself and my world? Am I willing to stand without any energetic movement when and as the other did not agreed with me? Am I willing to Change?

Will continue in my next blog.

The Submissive Daughter and the Controlling Mother Character - Day 82

This is a continuation to my previous blog:

My Life as a character - Overview - Day 79

The Family Charade in Character - Day 80

The Rebellion Daughter Mother Character - Day 81

For Context, also read: Day 79: Stepping out of Character with LOVED ONES - Creation's Journey to Life, Bernard Poolman.

Part 3: The Mother/Daughter Character - Looking at specific Characters:

The Submissive Daughter and the relationship with the Mother:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as the Daughter Character in this world to have refused to see how I have created the Controlling Mother character so that I could keep the Submissive Daughter Character and thus, I've I accepted this role and always accepted the Mother Character to tell me who I am, what I must do, whom I should be with, when to do it and where while all along, I was busy creating another character in my mind, of and as the rebellion as I've participated in my mind, with spiteful, resentment and resistance thoughts towards the Mother character. And I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've trapped myself with multiple characters that serve only one purpose which is to keep me in character and never step out of character and actually change and rebirth myself from and as the physical as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as the Submissive Daughter Character in this world to go into my mind with back chats towards the Mother character that I've created for me to remain submissive and participate with spiteful thoughts, resentment, anger and frustration where I'm having internal conversation with the mother character in my mind, in the attempt to prepare myself to stand up for myself and yet, what I haven't seen, realize and understood that in the moment I've prepared myself to stand up in my mind, placing the mother character within and as me where I talk to her in my mind, I've actually created and manifested the controlling mother character.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself  as the Submissive Daughter character in this world to have create this character based on past memories that I've imprinted into my flesh where I was punished, yelled at or got beaten and through preserving the fear, I've locked myself within and as the Submissive character, trapped myself to the extent to which I will never step out of the character.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have always been my own character creator and the script that I've written for myself and thus, I've blamed everything and everyone for my existence of me as the submissive daughter character in this world so that I would not have to face my own creation and thus, could remain forever enslaved. Because I've failed to see that for me to be the submissive daughter, I must have created the controlling character that will allow me to remain in the submissive character.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself as the Submissive Daughter Character in this world to see, realize and understand how I've created polarized characters wherein I will either integrate myself within and as the character of the submissive daughter it my complete and entire human physical body and become Equal to and One as the character and so, I will always remain within the Submissive character wherein I would create my children in the image and likeness that would suit with my Submissive character and would thus then, create my children as abusers of me. OR - I will either balance the existence of me as the Submissive character through the children that I've created and would become the exact duplicate of the Mother character that I've created earlier in my life and thus, create the characters of my children as submissive so that we can all together - continue the cycle and thus make sure that none of us will ever step out of character.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself as a submissive daughter character in this world to try and attempt to control the friends in my life in the attempt to balance my character without realizing that I've actually also created the controlling character and thus made sure that I will always remind in character. What a nice trap.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as the controlling mother character in this world, to create and manifest the child as the submissive character so that I could remain in my perceived control to hide behind my other character of inferiority and thus, through missing that very basic understanding of creation, I've NOT allowed myself to create myself as life but rather, created enslaved, controlled and limited life for myself and existence as a whole. 

I commit myself to show that as long as one create one's character in one's mind, one will remain enslave to one's own creation and will never become LIFE within and as the physical reality.

I commit myself to show that as long as one continue blaming others for one own creation of characters, one is deliberate responsible for the future of this world as one will continue creating more and more character to justify why one must remain in character because others are wrongs and will not stand in the face of LIE(f) and create LIEF that is best for all.

I commit myself to show how the cycle of abuse continue as we create our children in the image and likeness that will suit with the characters that we've created for ourselves and within that, make sure the children will remain in character and so, create their own children's character, generation after generation after generation.

I commit myself to show how we are not in fact changing when we jump from one character to the other character in the attempt to balance ourselves as character and that in fact, we have only created another character.