That moment when you hear people talking about you (Part 3) - Day 540

Continuing with the previous blog where I discussed my relationship to overhearing someone talking about me and what revealed during the process of investigating this points inside of myself. As well as the solutions and practical support I've been practicing in real time moments. For context, please read: That moment when you hear people talking about you (Part 1) - Day 538 and That moment when you hear people talking about you (Part 2) - Day 539

In this blog post I will talk about the importance of stopping the reactions towards another person talking about you and how to take the 'negative' experience and transform it to a life lesson from which you can empower yourself from.

Let's go to the basics for a moment. To the root cause of why we are so afraid of one another; why it is so easy to break someone's trust; Why we fear being vulnerable with each other; why we react to judgement so much.

Here, I ask you all to move yourself for just a moment, to a point of self-honesty when answering the following questions:

Is it because of us knowing how deep the rabbit hole goes? Meaning, seeing the extent of our own mind and how nasty we can be when no one is hearing/watching our thoughts? And because we know how Negative and judgemental we can be in our mind, we assume that other people's mind is exactly the same. Isn't that so?

So yes, sometimes our nasty thoughts are coming into the open in a form of gossiping about someone with another. And Yes, it is not valid.. These thoughts need to be removed by each one of us taking personal responsibility for our own mind. But we are not yet there as it is a process that needs to be walked by each one of us individually.

What took me so long to realize was that when someone gossip about you, it is another in their mind that is speaking.. It is not the deep real being that is so suppressed underneath the layers of their mind. Meaning, it is not personal towards you, it is just the mind being exposed to the extent of its automated programming that they need to step out from with awareness. But the question is - how to create that awareness? Can they be aware if you are reacting to them instead of supporting them to be aware of that one singular point they have exposed themselves to?

As long as we react to the words spoken in that moment, we are not just compromising our relationship with others, we also compromise the other's personal growth, and the chance that they have to change in that real time moment when we stand up and show them what they have accepted and allowed, in giving their mind absolute control over their physical reality.

It is time we move ourselves from reaction to solutions.. To walk out of the reaction and to stand up as the solution. I know it is easy said than done but we have to start practicing this skill. Like with any skill, mistakes are going to be made and we are going to stumble until we find our feet within it all but eventually we would; I am ready to start. Are you?

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Art: Gossiping by Itzchak Tarkay

That moment when you hear people talking about you (Part 2) - Day 539

Continuing with the previous blog where I discussed my relationship to overhearing someone talking about me and what revealed during the process of investigating this points inside of myself. For context, please read: That moment when you hear people talking about you (Part 1) - Day 538

As I moved through the layers of my mind, I stumble upon another mind program that was there to "support" the diminishment program that I was busy working to step out from. Meaning:

When I heard people talking about me, I immediately went into reaction. That reaction carried diminishment signature because I used to define and judge myself according to how other people saw/thought of me. Therefore, it didn't matter what the intensity of the judgement in what they were saying was, it didn't matter whether they said a valid thing or not - I just went into reaction. So with me taking personally what they were saying about me, I unconsciously made the decision to diminish myself because I had the chance to empower myself by reminding myself that it is just their mind speaking, not who they are and it doesn't define me.

Now, it didn't end there, the consequences weren't late to come: The consequences of accepting and allowing diminishment when overhearing people talking about me was that the next time I saw them, I was still reactive and I immediately pulled out the protection mechanism program to make sure I won't get hurt.

And so, within that, I compromised my relationship with them because I went cold, I went off grid, I did not want anything to do with them.. Instead of reminding myself that "hey, it is really just their mind that you are reacting to.. Instead support them to see what they are accepting and allowing inside of themselves".

This was tough. Moving myself to a point of absolute forgiveness and support was challenging. Because here I am, reacting to another person talking shit about me, realizing I must forgive their mind so that I can stand as their support. In that also, forgive myself for compromising my relationship with them and having the patience to walk the manifested consequences - this was not easy. And still, it is not easy.

When you realize a point inside of yourself, it does not mean you transcend the point. All it means is that you became aware of another tiny part of yourself. To transform the realization into a point of change, you have to walk through the physical reality and apply change in real time moment. This - this is the most challenging thing I have done. It is one thing to theoretically forgive. It is another thing to change in real time and prove the forgiveness was real. This takes practice, patience and perseverance.

The point that I wanted to bring across is that:

There are many reasons for why people talk shit about one another. None of these reasons are valid. However, we haven't been taught to handle situations and we haven't been supported to develop effective communication with ourselves and others. Therefore, gossiping exists - showing that something inside of self is lacking and require additional support. As long as we react to others' gossiping or even to our own mind gossiping, we are unable to support neither ourselves nor others.

In my next blog, I will talk more about why it is important to stop the reactions towards another person talking about you and how to take the 'negative' experience and transform it to a life lesson from which you can empower yourself from.

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Art: gossip girls by dian bernardo

That moment when you hear people talking about you (Part 1) - Day 538

"Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."

Don Miguel Ruiz

How many of you experienced a moment when you overheard people talking about you? How did it make you feel? What did you do about it? How did this moment changed your relationship with these people once you knew the truth of what they think about you? Where you able to overcome that moment and trust these people again? Here is my story:

I remember that day when my innocence flew out of the window. It was when I overheard my best friend talking shit about me with her father and it broke my heart. It wasn't even serious stuff, she didn't say anything nasty about me meaning, it wasn't what she said, it was the way that she said and what was the undercurrent of how she said it if that make sense.

I did not know from where it all came from and with being so overwhelmed, I went home and haven't spoken with her for months. Not until our parents intervene and "forced" the relationship back and I just agreed because I wanted to please everyone. Though, inside myself, I knew, I cannot trust this person and I've been secretly waiting for the day our path would split apart without having to hurt her, the family and other friends that were involved.

For years later, I went away from anyone who I perceived to betray my trust. If they used something that I said against me; if they went behind my back and caused frictions between me and other people; if they kept on going to other people to talk about me instead of coming to me; If any of that happened, I had no interest in continue developing my relationship with them.

Later, when I started my personal development process , I realized that these 'gossiping' moments are coming from the mind of people and it doesn't define who they really are underneath the layers of the mind. Same way, it doesn't define me. Yet, the experience of being betrayed kept on coming up inside of me which showed I haven't reached a point of self-forgiveness and self-honesty.

I continued working with these points and as I was walking through the layers of my mind, I found a protection mechanism I've programmed myself back in childhood: to protect myself from people that may hurt me or break my trust. Obviously, this again showed I haven't reached a point of self-forgiveness nor self-honesty. And so, self-introspection continued.

Will continue in my next blog.  

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Art: Anna Baklane | Saatchi Art

Holding myself captive in my own mind - Day 537

I've been looking at this point for quite a while. In fact, I started looking at it when I saw that I am holding past mistakes against people whom I judged, and in doing so, I saw that I didn't support them to move to a point of change.

For example, the judgement could come through a point of 'expectation' meaning, expecting someone to not change because their past action showed  that their application can't be trusted. I saw that I was expecting people to fail in changing a pattern they have been struggling to change and instead of holding their utmost potential of who they are, I've been reacting to the fact they haven't been changing.

But interestingly enough - what I did not see was how at the same time I've been expecting them to fail, I failed. That was because I always reacted to them not changing lol. And in that reaction, I didn't move myself to a point of change in the sense of stop reacting and stand as a point of support for them, with the pattern they are struggling to change.

IN other words, it was never about them not changing, it was about me not changing that I was mostly reacting to.

In looking at these things, another question came up. I usually don't ask metaphysical level questions because I can't answer the questions for myself but this one was interesting because the possibility the answer was 'yes' was big enough motivation for me to explore this option. I asked: "Is the reason why they don't change is because I'm not changing my reaction to them not changing?"

So now that the focus shifted completely to me I was looking at my self-honesty, responsibility and empowerment, and asked: where do I keep myself captive in my own mind? What are the patterns that I'm struggling to change? What ideas or judgement do I have about myself through which I keep myself locked in my own mind?

I turned the point back to myself and explored and still exploring and investigating the moments of self-judgement where I keep myself captive in my own mind and thus not allowing myself any moment of grace that could actually lead to a point of real time change.

It is actually this blog post that is the introduction to a blog series that I wrote: "Do I have the right to judge myself?". I will continue discussing and sharing more as it comes and for now, let's have a look or even make a list of all the moments we've been keeping ourselves captive in our minds due to self-judgement we've accepted and allowed to beLIEve to be real. Then, we'll set ourselves free from our own judgement with the support of specific self-help tools we can each apply for ourselves - Self Forgiveness, commitment to change and most importantly, the follow through with our commitment to change until we have, no matter how long it will take.

Thanks.

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Artist: Simon Birch

Christmas from the outsider's eyes - Day 536

This blog is not to make anyone feel bad or judged - it is about me sharing a point I observed today when driving the car.

It is always as the outsider that you are able to notice things that somehow are not noticeable when you are in it, as the insider. I don't do Xmas, never had - nothing against it, just not part of the religion I was born to. That's why I could see today things that I would probably not see if it was an holiday I was personally celebrating. So really, not here to judge anyone - here to make a note of what we are all accepting and allowing, including myself. Sharing it here today so that we can come up with practical solutions. So here it goes.

Christmas can be a lot of fun for many people - the holiday spirits starts somewhere at the beginning of Dec and you can literally 'feel' the excitement in the air. Shopping season starts and the malls are packed up and everyone just buy buy buy gifts for their loved ones.

Christmas can be a nightmare for others.. For those who cannot even dream of buying a gift, nevertheless a piece of bread. In South Africa, on a normal day, you'd see about one bagger per road-junction. Today, I saw a minimum of two baggers, sometimes three. And what broke my heart the most was seeing a 3 years old boy, sitting in between the roads, looking for an empty pack of chips, hoping something might have left inside.

I was looking at how many people we could feed with the amount of money spent on buying gifts for our loved ones. How many people could have celebrate Xmas today if they wouldn't have to bag for money in the streets. How many people are freezing to death cold nights (for example, in Europe and North America)  and how many people got over heated in today's super-hot day (Africa).

This is just food for thoughts.. To make us aware of what is really happening underneath our nose and how much of that we suppress and/or ignore.

Please watch this video - Fundamental Human Rights by Equal Life Foundation

Let's walk solutions together and change the source of the problem from within.

Do I have the right to judge myself? - Placing yourself in danger - Hiding and running away - Day 535

For context, please read:

Do you have the right to judge another - Day 531

Do I have the right to Judge myself? Potential consequences #1 - Day 532

Do I have the right to Judge myself? Living in an experience of being controlled - Day 533

Do I have the right to judge myself - Living in fear of being judged by others - Day 534

This will be the last blog post in the series: "Do I have the right to judge myself" where we were looking at the potential consequences that may emerge with us accepting and allowing self-judgement to exists inside ourselves and how to transform the self-judgement to self-honesty in the sense of who you are, what you stand for and what you will and will not accept and allow in your reality.

In this blog thus, we will have a look at the relationship between self-judgement, self-honesty and the experience of wanting to run away? Why Self-honesty is the key to stop the experience of running away and how it will lead to worthwhile relationships with yourself and with your friends/partner/family.

As we previously discussed, sometimes the intensity of self-judgement will lead to the experience of wanting to run away from our environment. Mostly because we feel controlled by the environment and unable to express ourselves without the fear of being judged. Now, I do not need to tell you the risks involved in running away do I?

But this is not so much the consequences that I am referring to. The point that I do want to discuss in this blog post is why reaching your self-honesty can stop the experience of wanting to run away. It is actually a simple point to realize - unless you are clear about who you are and what you stand for, you will find yourself in situations of wanting to run away from one environment to another; always feeling controlled, misjudged and looked down at by your external environment. The moment you are clear and honest about who you are, what you want to create in this life, what you stand for and what you do not, self-judgement will not hold you prisoned in your own environment as you stand as a point of direction and creation no matter where you are and with whom you are.

See, it is never the environment we want to run away from - it is our mind that we want to run away from. Sure, the environment activates the mind programs that gives us the experience of wanting to run away but it is not that the environment puts a gun on our mind and force the mind to participate in these emotions and thought patterns - it was and will be us who give the authority for the mind to take control over our lives and dictate to us who we are.

As explained in the previous blogs, when we run away and "start over", we don't really start over - we are simply supressing the unresolved issues that we have with ourselves (self-judgement for different reasons) and these issues will surface at some stage in the new environment we are with - It will slowly build up and build up until we experience ourselves wanting to run away and start over again.

The solution is to reach a point of self-honesty as challenging as it may be. We'll have to take off the layers of self-judgement, morality, fears, cultural behaviour and so forth and replace it with your life principles that we stand by and as an expression of ourselves. This can take some time but sure is liberating when moving from self-judgement to self-honesty.

Why self-honesty is the key? When we are self-honest, self-judgement doesn't play a role. When self-judgement isn't playing a role, we are no longer projecting blame and judgment towards others, we no longer fear being judged, we no longer feel controlled by others and we no longer experience ourselves wanting to run away.

How to reach a point of self-honesty? For myself, it has been and still is a process. My support structure is the DIP pro course that I am participating with both as a trainee and as a buddy. I strongly recommend having a look and testing the course for yourself. Especially if building effective relationship with yourself and others is something you value.

Thanks.

Do I have the right to judge myself - Living in fear of being judged by others - Day 534

For context, please read:

Do you have the right to judge another - Day 531

Do I have the right to Judge myself? Potential consequences #1 - Day 532

Do I have the right to Judge myself? Living in an experience of being controlled - Day 533

Continuing to explore the consequences of not being honest with ourselves and thus accepting and allowing self-judgement to exists inside of ourselves, mostly projected through the eyes of others. In today post, we'll have a look at another potential consequence of participating with self-judgement projected as living in fear of being judged by others.

Fearing of being judged may starts in a very young age where you feel that you need to hide or do things in secrets because other people may have issues with what you do and you didn't have the courage to speak up and open this point in communication. It is mostly as a teen when the parents are trying to protect the child from the dangerous of the world, not understanding that the children will go and rebel and do exactly what the parents are trying to control. I personally went against the feeling of being judged by doing things in secret and only shared with those who I knew to not have any issues with it.

Living with the fear of being judged creates the experience of being controlled and although you will go and do the things you want to do, you will always feel you need to do these things in secret and that in itself compromises the integrity of your relationships with others.  The feeling of being controlled is due to the fact that you project your own judgement (with regards to the things you do in secrets) to the people in your environment, believing that if they would know what you do in secret, they will either look down at you or reject you in one way or another.

The consequence outflow here is that you will always blame and judge other people for allegedly judging you; and you may feel that you need to get away, to run away because your environment is closing down on you; you will feel trapped in your own environment and you'll have a growing force to leave all together and try making it in a new environment. 

All along it is you, living in fear in your mind, not willing to be honest with yourself in what you stand for and who you are to a point of respecting yourself enough to be able to communicate about it with others. Once you reach a point of self-honesty, you won't live in secret anymore because you'll stand very clear in who you are regardless of what anyone can potentially think of you.

So, if you want to develop relationship of worth with people, it is of utmost importance you become honest with yourself and stop judging your own self-honesty. The integrity with people you have relationship cannot be compromised by secrets and hidden information/expression because of fears that may only exists in your own mind.

The first step in assisting and supporting yourself to reach a point of self honesty as well as stopping participating with self-judgement is to apply this: when you think another is judging you, ask yourself: "Am I clear within this point or is it me that is judging myself through the eyes of the person who is in front of me?" This is to identify whether you are dealing with self-judgement or not.

The second step is to identify the source of your self-judgement and in the case you need additional support with that, you can always leave me a message or join the self-mastery free online course by clicking HERE. You can also visit a very cool free support forum