Holding myself captive in my own mind - Day 537

I've been looking at this point for quite a while. In fact, I started looking at it when I saw that I am holding past mistakes against people whom I judged, and in doing so, I saw that I didn't support them to move to a point of change.

For example, the judgement could come through a point of 'expectation' meaning, expecting someone to not change because their past action showed  that their application can't be trusted. I saw that I was expecting people to fail in changing a pattern they have been struggling to change and instead of holding their utmost potential of who they are, I've been reacting to the fact they haven't been changing.

But interestingly enough - what I did not see was how at the same time I've been expecting them to fail, I failed. That was because I always reacted to them not changing lol. And in that reaction, I didn't move myself to a point of change in the sense of stop reacting and stand as a point of support for them, with the pattern they are struggling to change.

IN other words, it was never about them not changing, it was about me not changing that I was mostly reacting to.

In looking at these things, another question came up. I usually don't ask metaphysical level questions because I can't answer the questions for myself but this one was interesting because the possibility the answer was 'yes' was big enough motivation for me to explore this option. I asked: "Is the reason why they don't change is because I'm not changing my reaction to them not changing?"

So now that the focus shifted completely to me I was looking at my self-honesty, responsibility and empowerment, and asked: where do I keep myself captive in my own mind? What are the patterns that I'm struggling to change? What ideas or judgement do I have about myself through which I keep myself locked in my own mind?

I turned the point back to myself and explored and still exploring and investigating the moments of self-judgement where I keep myself captive in my own mind and thus not allowing myself any moment of grace that could actually lead to a point of real time change.

It is actually this blog post that is the introduction to a blog series that I wrote: "Do I have the right to judge myself?". I will continue discussing and sharing more as it comes and for now, let's have a look or even make a list of all the moments we've been keeping ourselves captive in our minds due to self-judgement we've accepted and allowed to beLIEve to be real. Then, we'll set ourselves free from our own judgement with the support of specific self-help tools we can each apply for ourselves - Self Forgiveness, commitment to change and most importantly, the follow through with our commitment to change until we have, no matter how long it will take.

Thanks.

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Artist: Simon Birch

Trusting my experience - Day 63

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to trust my past memory experience within the belief that the past experience will repeat itself and according to the energetic charge that I've defined the experience as, I will either feel excitement (if the charge is Positive) or I will feel anxiety/fear (if the charge is negative) and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that so long as I trust the experience and define Who I am as the experience, I am not living LIFE but rather living my perception of LIFE that is limited to the extent to how I've separated myself from myself and this world as a whole.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize how limiting it is to only defined myself according to a few feelings/emotions as a reflection to how I've defined the energetic charge such as: excitement or Anxiety/fear as positive and negative respectively, is just a minute and limited expression of who I am as LIFE within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that so long as I give permission to my mind to tell me how to experience any given moment according to the energetic charge of either positive or negative within and as a past memory experience, I'm not in fact LIVING.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that by holding onto the past memory experiences within an energetic charge, Positive or Negative, I'm limiting my moment to moment living self expression as who I am and within that, not accepting and allowing myself to Physically LIVE so long as I bound-to and prisoning myself within my own self created past memory experiences that control, enslave and direct my expression as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize how the energetic movement within and as my human physical body changes and alters according to the memory experience that I've associated to any given moment meaning - if I experience positive energetic charge within me, there is a memory that is associated to the point I'm facing, a memory experience that I've defined as positive and if I experience a negative energetic charge within me, there is a memory that is associated to the point that I'm facing which I've defined as negative.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how within my self, I trust that the a future experience  that I'm expecting to have will manifest exactly as I imagine/plan it to be and within that, not giving myself the permission to practically live as I leave a very small space to experience a real and physical experience than what I wish to experience as a self interest desire and thus, if things go well as expected, I will be satisfied and if something will go 'wrong' I will become frustrated and start to manipulate myself and my environment in the attempt to reach the experience that I've yarn for from the get-go.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt and control an experience within any given moment without seeing, realizing or understanding all the relationships that are involved within my desire for an experience and within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I'm essentially trying to control is the relationships in my life through shaping, molding and manipulate the beings involved so that I could have my self interest experience manifest according to how I want to experience it and thus they must submit to my wants and needs and provide me with their presence MY experience and if they failed to give me what I want, I will end the relationship and start seeking after for the next relationship that will give me the experience that I'm looking/desiring for.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to trust the emotions/feelings within any given experience and I haven't seen the relationship between the experience and the energetic charge that is aligned/attached/connected with the experience and within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize how limited my expression is within any given moment through me attaching/aligning each and every moment to a past memory experience that I have defined within and as energetic charge, either positive or negative and accordingly, move and direct myself as the experience instead of walking breath by breath, here, and letting go energetic experience connection after connection until it is done.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have refused to give-up my trust in a mind energetic experience and to instead, establish self trust that is based on a practical physical realty within my breath by breath living application.

I commit myself to be attentive to any single energy movement within and as my human physical body - Positive and Negative and to investigate the origin/source/core of the energy movement as I see, realize and understand that any energetic movement is in direct relationship to an experience that I've defined myself according to, that is limiting my self living expression within and as the physical reality.

I commit myself to investigate each and every energetic experience that I've programmed myself throughout my life to define myself as and respectively, stop my participation within and as energy, Positive and Negative within a breath by breath process, until it's done and I'm absolutely aligned to the physical that consist of and exists as all that is here in oneness and equality.

I commit myself and give permission to myself to LIVE as who I am within and as my self expression and to stop dictating my life according to experience that I dearly trusted thus far and to instead, establish absolute self trust within and as myself in any given moment.

I commit myself to walk memory experience by memory experience within a process of self forgiveness in self honesty and to delete all association/definitions/connections that I've accepted and allowed within and as myself because I see, realize and understand that so long as I accept and allow the experience to tell me who I am and within that, abdicated my responsibility to move and direct myself breathe by breathe, I'm not in fact LIVING life that is best for all but rather attempt and try to live the LIFE that is best for me in absolute inconsideration to everything and everyone.

I commit myself to stop direct and move myself according to an expected experience and within that, stop existing within a polarity that is defined according to the velocity of the energetic charged that I've charged myself with.

I commit myself to face within myself, in writing the experiences that I've defined within a negative charge and have thus, tried to avoid and suppress the experience so that I won't have to face, investigate, correct and change because I see and realize that so long as I allow myself to avoid and suppress, I'm not in fact that directive principle of myself and my world as I'm bound to how the mind direct me, in separation of me.

Art Design – Sally Wiseman