That moment when you hear people talking about you (Part 1) - Day 538

"Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."

Don Miguel Ruiz

How many of you experienced a moment when you overheard people talking about you? How did it make you feel? What did you do about it? How did this moment changed your relationship with these people once you knew the truth of what they think about you? Where you able to overcome that moment and trust these people again? Here is my story:

I remember that day when my innocence flew out of the window. It was when I overheard my best friend talking shit about me with her father and it broke my heart. It wasn't even serious stuff, she didn't say anything nasty about me meaning, it wasn't what she said, it was the way that she said and what was the undercurrent of how she said it if that make sense.

I did not know from where it all came from and with being so overwhelmed, I went home and haven't spoken with her for months. Not until our parents intervene and "forced" the relationship back and I just agreed because I wanted to please everyone. Though, inside myself, I knew, I cannot trust this person and I've been secretly waiting for the day our path would split apart without having to hurt her, the family and other friends that were involved.

For years later, I went away from anyone who I perceived to betray my trust. If they used something that I said against me; if they went behind my back and caused frictions between me and other people; if they kept on going to other people to talk about me instead of coming to me; If any of that happened, I had no interest in continue developing my relationship with them.

Later, when I started my personal development process , I realized that these 'gossiping' moments are coming from the mind of people and it doesn't define who they really are underneath the layers of the mind. Same way, it doesn't define me. Yet, the experience of being betrayed kept on coming up inside of me which showed I haven't reached a point of self-forgiveness and self-honesty.

I continued working with these points and as I was walking through the layers of my mind, I found a protection mechanism I've programmed myself back in childhood: to protect myself from people that may hurt me or break my trust. Obviously, this again showed I haven't reached a point of self-forgiveness nor self-honesty. And so, self-introspection continued.

Will continue in my next blog.  

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Art: Anna Baklane | Saatchi Art

Holding onto a Grudge - Day 230

This a continuation to:

From Evilness to Life - Day 226

The seclusion in Inclusion - Day 227

Seeing the Evil Nature in Dreams - Day 229

 

So, the dream that I shared yesterday opened up a point within the Evil context that one wouldn't usually consider within and as oneself, in one's relationships to other human beings in one's world - How we Keep and Store Past Memory Events where we felt Betrayed and/or hurt by our Friend/Sibling/Parents/Partner/Co-worker, which then, we would utilize the Past Memory Negative Experience, the moment we feel threatened, to justify to ourselves why it is ok to behave and treat the other with Spite and/or Distrust.

 

What we haven't realized is - so long as we accept and allow ourselves to keep and store Past Negative Memories as an Experience, our Relationships with other human being wouldn't stand the test of time. Sure, one can continue to suppress the Negative Experience towards the other being but slowly but surely, the Experience would accumulate till a moment where everything would burst out where one would make the decision - Face the point and sort the relationship out regardless of the outcome or to suppress the point again, make fake peace and continue the relationship as it was, till the next outbreak. 

 

What I've seen within and as myself was that the relationship never get to a point of 'Peace' again because there is a constant movement within and as me, when being around the beings that I've associated them with a Negative Past Experience and within this, I would always expect the worse case scenario of them hurting or betraying me again  and accordingly, would never accept and allow myself to trust them. Interestingly enough, I never looked at the point of self trust within that context and why it is that I would always engage into relationships within the expectation of getting hurt and within that, the fears that I carry from the past that would drive me to participate in the same patterns, manifesting the same consequences, over and over again.

 

As I'm writing, I see that this point is a multi-dimensional point that would require further investigation and introspection. Unfortunately, I won't be able to go into it today, in physical space time consideration within the level of specificity that I would like to walk, . So, I will continue with myself for a moment and will share tomorrow the points that I've seen, realized and understood within and as myself so stay tuned.

 

Seeing the Evil Nature in Dreams - Day 229

This a continuation to:

From Evilness to Life - Day 226

The seclusion in Inclusion - Day 227

 

I had Quite a Vivid dream last night which was fascinating from the perspective that I had listen to the Life Review Interview - Dream Interpreter the day before, which was a great assistance and support in walking through the point that had opened up in the dream.

 

As was explained in the interview, Dreams are specific and represents one's Personalities Participation in one's day to day Living which Consciousness may imprint to the Dream Domain and through this, one could assist and support oneself to see what one require to further investigate within and as oneself and accordingly take responsibility and change from a Mind Personality to a Living Physical Expression of and as oneself.

 

In this Life Review, a man came through the Portal to share his life on Earth within his relationship to how he would interpret dreams and what he had Realized about himself and the Consequences of his actions on earth within his relationship to Dream interpretation after he had died and within that, how little did he actually understood about Dreams and their meanings.

 

It was suggested that one would look at one's reactions, behaviour, memories, past events, experiences etc. that came up in the dream because that will show the relationships that one haven't sorted out yet, within and as oneself.

 

So now that I'm working with the Evil Point within the last 3 days of writing, it was interesting that the Dream came up to show me another layer/dimension that I haven't looked at yet in self honesty, which I'm grateful for as I'm seeing within and as myself now that this unresolved point within me, is a key factor that is causing a friction and conflict within my relationship with another human being in my Physical Environment for more than 2 years now.

 

So - Within my relationship with this being, we had 2 past experiences wherein I perceived the being to betray me with getting involved with 2 males (in 2 separated occasions) that the being knew I was interested with. None one of these males where in alignment to where I was within my process and the chances of us actually getting to know each other and developing a stable and supportive relationship/agreement, were close to nothing, and yet, I still perceive the being to spite me and I started developing and growing resentment towards the being within and as myself, very slowly but surely.

 

I haven't face this point in writing till now but I see already that it is detrimental to face this point and correct myself because as long as I keep and hold onto this memory about this being, and the experience of being betrayed, I would not be able to stand in Equality with the being. What I've seen within and as myself was that, I would deliberately activate this memory of the experience of being betrayed in moments that I feel inferior within the relationship with the being and I would access this revenge that exists within me and would get the 'Power' to spite, and talk the being down through justifying to myself that I cannot trust them due to past event where they have hurt me.

 

In the Dream that I had, me and this being were in a camping park with lots of people around us, maybe watching a movie on a big screen or something and we saw a couple of friends of us, male and a female that were waving towards us to come over. The guy is someone that I knew in real life, a guy that I had a sex relationship a few years back. Our level of communication was abusive in nature where he would disrespect me in front of others and I would accept it because I had sex with him and I had to justify to myself that it is fine so that I would be able to continue having sex with him. In the dream, the being and I started walking towards the 2 friends and I've noticed that the being is planning to sit next to the guy and I felt a surge of jealousy, resentment and anger within me like: "what the fuck, why does she get to sit next to him, this is my guy". I can't remember which one of us set next to the guy but I remember I was talking to myself in calming myself down, reminding myself that this guy isn't someone that I even want to be with but I felt the competition in walking to them faster so that I could win and get what I wanted before the being could take the guy away from me again.

 

When I woke up and looked at the dream, investigating my reactions, the experience, the back chat, the thoughts, my expression, the way I behaved and so forth, it was clear that the past event of me feeling betrayed still affect my relationship with this being till this day, as there is a part of me that would not let it go and trust the relationship to stand when and as there is a male in the picture in particular but it also goes to the extent of which, I would not trust the being in other instances and would always keep a certain distance so that I wouldn't get hurt again.

 

It was fascinating because this part of me that wouldn't let go, the part that would keep the need to revenge to protect myself, is the Evil personality that I've been working within the last few days and here I go, having a dream that is so specific that shows a point within and as myself that I was not willing to face before.

 

I will continue walking this point with a process of Self Forgiveness and Practical corrective application however, for today, here is an example of how to work with dreams in a practical way, as was explained in much more specificity within the Life Review - Dream Interpreter.

 

For those who are working with dreams or have worked in the past, I suggest listening to this interview as it would give some insights and points to consider when and as one work with dreams.