What is Love to me? Part 2 -- Day 157

The Relationship between Love, Sex and Relationships

 

 

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

 

To be able to answer this question, I must first let go of the judgement I have towards this word - both the Negative and the Positive because while I'm holding on the energetic charge in judgement, I cannot see what Love is to me as I would go and alter my words, essentially manipulating myself so that my answer would suit the judgement I've placed upon this word.

 

Love was a fantasy that I was aiming to achieve through finding the ONE that would make me feel the divinity I've imposed onto what I thought Love is.

Love was a point where I could feel my entire existence safe and sound, knowing that there would be this ONE that would love me, care for me, be there for me, no matter what.

Love was a point which where I was seeking for saviour - someone who would pull me from my own self misery that I had experienced within and as me only, I had no realization that I was the one who created this self misery to be able to experience the moment of being saved.

Love was Communication - where I could share all my ins and outs and not being judged, corrected and diminished.

Love was someone who place his hand on my face, look right into my eyes and could, in that moment, see the entirety of me - all my secrets that I've kept within and as me.

Love was someone who would place me first, before everything and everyone else, who would always consider me first and build his entire world around me - to always satisfied me needs and my desires.

I can start seeing now, how these components above where the ideal partner that I was looking for and if one of the component didn't match the physical reality, I would back off, I would resent, I would close myself up and wouldn't let the being access my inner me. I wouldn't give this person a chance to get to know me, get to know himself as me, and essentially, get to know each other as who we really are.

 

And so - with my first boyfriend - some of the components didn't exists because I didn't feel safe, I didn't feel complete, I didn’t feel saved, I didn't feel that I can communicate with unconditionally..

And as the years goes by and my desire for love grow, I started to priorities these components and could only be satisfied with someone who slightly care about me, just enough to give me a call once a day, to hug me when we meet and that was basically it.

Although, I still pushed the point of wanting more from the partner, wanting to fulfil my fantasies, wanting to feel this love in its entirety. You know.. Like in the movies. But my fear of ending up alone was always more dominant and so, I allowed myself to compromise myself in terms of the decisions to stand within my own self agreement regarding to what I would accept and allow from my partner as well as myself and what I would not.

 

It was inevitable that I would end up alone and won't fulfil my desires as my desires were never real. Obviously, while I wasn't aware of my own self deception and believed so truly that love, as I defined love, exists, I access depression and got only further away from myself. Until I came across DESTENI. 

 

Initially, before Desteni, I started a spiritual process trying to find LOVE from a new point of view. This time it was more oriented towards myself - to start loving myself. However, here, I would  have to look at the definition I've placed to LOVE as Energy delusional value and what Love was to me within and as the spiritual eyes.

 

So - to be continued as I'm unfolding for myself, for the first time what Love is to me, why I am as love and who I am as love.

 

Art work – Andrew Gable