The Relationship between Love, Sex and Relationships - Day 156

Part 1 - My First Love

 

So for a while now I've been looking at my relationship to Sex, Sexuality and Relationships and interesting enough, I've not yet looked at LOVE in terms of What is LOVE to me, Who I am as Love and Why I am as Love. Within that questions further investigating the relationship between Love to Money and Family as the stepping stones of one's personality/character creation. Within this blog, I would also look at the question - Is Love based on Fear?

 

Ever since I was a child, watching these fairy tales movies and reading fairy tales stories, I developed this fantasy of having such great Love because the experienced of those characters in the fairy tales was like, almost, divine, something so special that would make my life be so perfect.

I remember having these fantasy of having a guy that would do everything for me, as if I was a princess, that he would love me so much and I could experience this divine feeling for myself.

 

When I was quite young, around 15 years old, I came across this boy that I was friend with in kindergarten. I told my mother about this crash and she supported me in being brave enough to ask him out and make the first move, she even got his phone number for me and this is when I faced the first rejection. This boy was so shy, he didn't understand what I want from him. as if I came from no where, calling him out of the blow, it was weird lol. But for me - I experienced disappointment to such and extent that a few years after, when I was in my 20ties, I saw this boy again and when he started making a move on me, the resentment for rejecting me years back was dominant and I didn't play with him the flirting game so that I could get my revenge by rejecting him back.

 

Another point that is quite interesting is my first boyfriend. Man, he was prince charming, someone that every mother would want for her child lol. He loved me so much and I had no idea how to process that love. He used to write songs for me, write me love letters, he even recorded one of his songs that he wrote for me. He used to create for me these art presents and I was extremely overwhelmed by it all and started resented him for that. I felt shame and discomfort because I didn't feel the same way and I was afraid that if someone in my family knew how much he loves me and what he is doing for me, they will make fun of me.

 

Every time he told me he loves me - I didn't tell him back because I didn't experience the divinity that I assumed I should feel in comparison to the fairy tales stories and movies. I mean, this guy, loved me in the way every girl wants to be loved and cared for but I didn't feel the same. I obviously didn't investigate the reason for my blockage in feeling these things for him and never communicate the why I'm not allowing myself to have these feelings for him. only now I can start seeing the picture in much more clarity and see how my fears took over and through those fears I made really bad decisions. It's interesting how I was looking for something that was right there in front of my eyes and I couldn't see it back then. I couldn't see that the answer was always here and the answer was me.. That I'm the answer from the perspective of - I'm the one who decide.

 

And so, as you could read in my blogs, I made up these excuses and justification for breaking up with him, not being aware of my starting point, the force that behind my so called free choice in my decision to break up and my decisions afterwards regarding the partner I choose to be with.

 

After a few months, I found my first obsession. I met a guy that was 6 years older than me and I experienced my first love. This experience that I've created within and as myself was obviously not something I could have seen back than. I couldn't see that the experience I was creating had anything to do with my need to revenge my upbringing, the need to rebel, the need to live a fantasy that I've accumulated from childhood. This guy was responsible enough to break up with me before it was too late but I saw it as absolute rejection because I couldn't live up to my fantasy. I became totally possessed and did everything I could to win him back. I mean everything.. Including placing myself in an abusive relationship so that I could be saved by him. I was saved, but not by him. I was saved by luck.. It could have been much worst.

All this time, my first boyfriend, the one who loved me dearly, was witnessing me fucking my life around and could do nothing about it because as far as I was concerned, I didn't feel the same way he felt for me.  No matter what he had done to show me what I was busy doing to myself, I couldn't see because I suspected that is starting point was to win me back and that he is manipulating me and so - I disregard everything he had said - verbally and in writings. I simply placed all his letters in a box which I opened 4 years ago, but I will get to this point later.

 

This Love - I could only experience it once again when I was 23. it lasted 6 years within me, despite of us being together for only 6 months. I couldn't let go of this love experience that I felt within and as me, I couldn't let go the fantasy that one day, he will want me back. I couldn't let go that it was done.

This love… I was completely blind to what was here. I couldn't see all the red signs, I couldn't see that we are not aligned, I couldn't see how inadequate this guy was for me. But this love - I could do anything to get this love again, to get this guy again. I even give him another chance a year after we broke up. I decided to fight for him and I went to see him and we decided to give it another go. Only that he had to leave for 2 months for a work thingy and I, holding onto this love, agreed to the arrangement of us being together when I comes back. The day before he had to go, we went to a party, got drunk and he told me that he did a mistake by letting me go, that he loves me so much, and he had cried. And for me… that was the one thing I wanted to hear. That was the one thing I needed to hear, enough to get totally possessed again and change my entire life for the little chance he would still feel the same when he get back. I didn't see the pattern playing out. I didn't consider how we met, where did we met and who was involved in our "love story":

 

I met him in Thailand while he had an arrangement with his ex girlfriend that when he comes back, they might come back together. Only then, I came to this picture and took her place and so, we were together. However now, I was the ex-girlfriend and he went abroad and guess what - he found a new girlfriend and I was left behind. Without even being notified about it.. Waiting for him to come back while all alone, he had already been in a new relationship.

I called him on his birthday to say happy birthday. I was still positive that everything is fine, that he still loves me, and there was another month left before he return and we'll be together. I was so excited and couldn't stop waiting for the moment I call him and speak to him. however, the first moment I called him, and I heard his voice, I knew.. He was sharing the bed with another girl. He was cheating on me.. In that moment, my world collapsed and the decisions that I've made from that single moment, where nothing but self abuse. 

 

Ok, so I will go up to here for today and will continue tomorrow opening up this point to see for the first time what Love was to me, who am I as love, why I am as love. Thank you for reading.