The Drama Queen calling for attention - From Reaction to Correction - Day 260

This is a continuation to:

Just another Drama Queen - Day 258

The Drama Queen Painfully calling for Attention - Day 259

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to harm, sabotage and compromise my human physical body deliberately to draw attention to myself. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my human physical body to draw attention to myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand my starting point within the Desire to draw attention to myself and within that, haven't investigated the insecurity and inferiority that I had experienced within and as myself  which had led to the harm, abuse, sabotage of myself and my human physical body. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where children do not have respect for themselves and their human physical body to the extent of which they would harm, sabotage abuse and compromise themselves as the human physical body, to draw attention to themselves as this is how they know how to cope with their friction and conflict between the inner and external reality; in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where children do not learn basic Life skills in how to assist and support themselves to instead of Reacting within and as themselves, to work with the principle of Prevention and accordingly, prevent harmful experiences, without having to go through experiences that could have been prevented if children were taught to be effective and self responsible human beings in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the Desire to draw attention to myself in every way possible and within that, investigate the trigger point, the thoughts, the images, the pictures, the imaginations that in alignment, activated my want need and desire to draw attention to myself in a specific moment in time as the outflow of these accepted and allowed participation in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, already as a child, when seeing what I'm accepting and allowing myself to participate with when I accessed the Drama Queen character in the school play yard, to continue participating within it because I Believed that I couldn't stop now, as everyone will see me and judge me as a Drama Queen which would harm my Status as how I perceived my status to be. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where children are raised to compete and fight for their social status and within that, would allow themselves to harm, abuse, compromise and sabotage themselves to maintain the Perceived Status they believe they must sustain in every way possible.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior and unworthy in comparison to the other kids and to compensate for the experience, I believed that if something will happened to me, everyone will step in and I'll be the centre of attraction. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to test my popularity within my mind through going into my imagination domain, and play a scene of me laying in the Hospital, in a coma, and people are coming to see me and be with me or just being extremely sick, spending months in the hospital while people are daily coming to see me and hang out with me.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my peers in relation to how popular they are and how much attention they receive from their friends and family and within that, I believed that only way to get the same amount of attention would be if something terrible will happened to me. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated that everything is ordinary and normal in my life and accordingly, directed myself into creating deliberate Drama to make my life 'Interesting' according to my eye's view. Within this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that the only reason I would deliberately create Drama in my life is through the belief that I've created within and as myself that Drama=Attention.

 

I commit myself to SHOW and Expose the Educational system that promote Peer Group Pressure that would lead to children harming, sabotaging, abusing and compromising themselves and their physical body for the sake of Social Status and Attention.

 

I commit myself to further investigate all the Dimensions with regards to the Desire for Attention to assist and support myself in being aware of myself in every given moment and within that, to not accept and allow myself to deliberately create unnecessarily harm to myself and my physical body.

 

I commit myself to further investigate my childhood years as I see, realize and understand that my childhood years are the building blocks of the multiple character that I've created within and as myself which led into a complete separated entities that I exists as, in a complete automation and thus, separation from myself and this world.

 

Here is a comment that I received on my previous blog:

X has left a new comment on your post "The Drama Queen Painfully calling for Attention - ...":

 

"I would deliberately create pain or injury for myself to get attention and within that, the extent that I would take my body through, just for the sake of the attention I may receive. I mean - this is cruel self abuse"

THANK YOU MAYA.

I relate to this point.

I have arrived to the point of cutting myself, punching my eye and hitting my head in a moment where I needed attention, I was enraged , desperate and hateful.

 

I commit myself to share and through this support others that had face and are facing the same points within and as themselves as I see, realize and understand that we are all the same and through me sharing my own process, other gets the opportunity to see themselves within my blogs and accordingly, take the responsibility to assist and support themselves within the decisions they make of what they would accept and allow within themselves and what they would not.

The Drama Queen Painfully calling for Attention - Day 259

What I haven't understood when and as I accessed to the Drama Queen Character is the relationship between the mind and the Physical and within that, the consequences it consists of.

It is interesting that the consequences are always being justified and/or Denied so that we can continue exactly as we always been without ever looking into and as ourselves to find out the core/source/origin of our behaviour, mannerism and attitudes towards ourselves and others.

 

So what is the nature of the Drama Queen? The first point that came up when I started to investigate character was the Desire for attention. It is when one experience oneself as insecure, inadequate and inferior within and as oneself through which one would try and balance oneself through deliberately create scenes, experiences and events that would draw the attention one required to receive from others.

Within and underneath this desire, exists a Fear. (I will get to the Fear Dimension in a moment).

 

For myself, the Drama Queen Personality/Character started in a very young age through creating Physical Painful experiences. What is fascinating is that when I look back at my life - the real Physical pain and consequences were very much in a silent experiences meaning - I would not go to the extreme of screaming and crying because in doing so, the pain increase. So for instance, when I was about 6 years old, I fell down the stairs in a friend's building house. It was a direct fall of one store height which I rolled all the way down. The Consequences of such event were severe. The doctors said to my parents that I lost my sight in my left eye and the chances that I will ever see again are very low. Fortunately, that wasn't so and my sight return to full function. The point is - the experience within myself was of silent. One of the neighbours who heard the fall came out to see what was going on but that was as far as my memory goes. The next thing was my mother taking me to the hospital.

 

Then, in another incident, already in high school - we were taken to a water park and my entire class went to the tubing slider together - we held hands, all connected to each other and I was the last one on the chain of people. Due to the force that was in play, when I got to the first slide curve, still holding hands with the person in front of me, I was pulled down and my body was thrown from head down till my head knocked the floor; I got a concussion and 2 spots on my spine were out. However, also within this, the experience was of silent within me. No screaming, no yelling out laud for attention. Can't remember the next scene in details. All I remember was 6 months of physiotherapy recovery after that event.

 

But now, when I go back to the memory I shared yesterday, about the 3 stairs that I fell from in the school yard - man, I made a huge scene. I remember it almost to the specific details because I knew that I was making a scene and by the time that I realized what I was doing, my Ego couldn't let me just go away with it - so I continued, trying to make it real so that I won't be judged as someone that yells 'wolf' while there is no wolf around.

 

Thus, what is interesting here is to see how I would create scenes for me to be the main star, through utilizing 'human compassion' when they see someone gets hurt. I guess it is also a cultural thing - in Israel, people are very compassionate when they see someone get hurts in front of their eyes. However for instance, when I was in Prague, I saw someone falls down on the street and I was the only one who approached him.

 

But the specific point that I'm looking at here is how I would deliberately create pain or injury for myself to get attention and within that, the extent that I would take my body through, just for the sake of the attention I may receive. I mean - this is cruel self abuse even though it had never manifested to the extreme of real physical damage. Who knows what I would have done to myself if I haven't faced this point now? This is why it is crucial to move from a reaction to correction so that I won't have to face this point physically but rather, prevent the consequences because there is no real reason to manifest such things in one's life.

 

Will walk the Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments in tomorrow's blog so stay tuned.