The Drama Queen Painfully calling for Attention - Day 259

What I haven't understood when and as I accessed to the Drama Queen Character is the relationship between the mind and the Physical and within that, the consequences it consists of.

It is interesting that the consequences are always being justified and/or Denied so that we can continue exactly as we always been without ever looking into and as ourselves to find out the core/source/origin of our behaviour, mannerism and attitudes towards ourselves and others.

 

So what is the nature of the Drama Queen? The first point that came up when I started to investigate character was the Desire for attention. It is when one experience oneself as insecure, inadequate and inferior within and as oneself through which one would try and balance oneself through deliberately create scenes, experiences and events that would draw the attention one required to receive from others.

Within and underneath this desire, exists a Fear. (I will get to the Fear Dimension in a moment).

 

For myself, the Drama Queen Personality/Character started in a very young age through creating Physical Painful experiences. What is fascinating is that when I look back at my life - the real Physical pain and consequences were very much in a silent experiences meaning - I would not go to the extreme of screaming and crying because in doing so, the pain increase. So for instance, when I was about 6 years old, I fell down the stairs in a friend's building house. It was a direct fall of one store height which I rolled all the way down. The Consequences of such event were severe. The doctors said to my parents that I lost my sight in my left eye and the chances that I will ever see again are very low. Fortunately, that wasn't so and my sight return to full function. The point is - the experience within myself was of silent. One of the neighbours who heard the fall came out to see what was going on but that was as far as my memory goes. The next thing was my mother taking me to the hospital.

 

Then, in another incident, already in high school - we were taken to a water park and my entire class went to the tubing slider together - we held hands, all connected to each other and I was the last one on the chain of people. Due to the force that was in play, when I got to the first slide curve, still holding hands with the person in front of me, I was pulled down and my body was thrown from head down till my head knocked the floor; I got a concussion and 2 spots on my spine were out. However, also within this, the experience was of silent within me. No screaming, no yelling out laud for attention. Can't remember the next scene in details. All I remember was 6 months of physiotherapy recovery after that event.

 

But now, when I go back to the memory I shared yesterday, about the 3 stairs that I fell from in the school yard - man, I made a huge scene. I remember it almost to the specific details because I knew that I was making a scene and by the time that I realized what I was doing, my Ego couldn't let me just go away with it - so I continued, trying to make it real so that I won't be judged as someone that yells 'wolf' while there is no wolf around.

 

Thus, what is interesting here is to see how I would create scenes for me to be the main star, through utilizing 'human compassion' when they see someone gets hurt. I guess it is also a cultural thing - in Israel, people are very compassionate when they see someone get hurts in front of their eyes. However for instance, when I was in Prague, I saw someone falls down on the street and I was the only one who approached him.

 

But the specific point that I'm looking at here is how I would deliberately create pain or injury for myself to get attention and within that, the extent that I would take my body through, just for the sake of the attention I may receive. I mean - this is cruel self abuse even though it had never manifested to the extreme of real physical damage. Who knows what I would have done to myself if I haven't faced this point now? This is why it is crucial to move from a reaction to correction so that I won't have to face this point physically but rather, prevent the consequences because there is no real reason to manifest such things in one's life.

 

Will walk the Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments in tomorrow's blog so stay tuned.