My Relationship with my Dog - Self Forgiveness - Day 254

 

Continuing with investigating my Relationship with Yalda, the dog I used to have before I moved to the Farm.

This is a continuation to my Previous blog: My Relationship with My Dog Continue - Day 253 where I shared the Time Line of my Relationship with Yalda after walking the previous write-ups: My Dog as my Comfort Zone - Day 251 and Pets as a reflection of Self Intimacy - Day 252 which was also a direct continuation to the Series:  'How to Cope with the Death of a Pet'.

 

I would also suggest to listen to the Interviews: Pets and Owners Relationship Review to have a better understanding of the relationship connection between Human Beings and Dogs.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to in Self Honesty look at my starting point of having a dog and within that, ignored and further suppressed the Emotions I had accepted and allowed myself to experience within and as me. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that my decision of having a dog was a reaction to the emotions and feelings I experienced inside myself, which means that it was a matter of time until my Physical reality would knock on my door and force me to face the things I was so busy suppressing and ignoring, which in this, I only prolong my process within a time-loop that I could have prevented if I would have taken the responsibility to investigate, explore and sort out that which I've suppressed within and as me.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to suppressed, ignore and deny the Negative experience that I've created within and as myself through having a dog and develop a relationship with her so that I won't have to 'Feel' alone. Within this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Investigate the Nature of the Negative Experiences of and as Aloneness within the Self Realization that in common sense, one is never alone within and as this physical reality and it is only through One's Mind-Interpretation of Aloneness, within and as Emotional Negative Charge that one had Separated oneself from all that is here, into and as an Isolated Version of oneself, within and as One's mind.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Accept myself as Who I am and thus, I had Believed that I required External Forces to Validate me and so, through the Presence of a Dog, I could Respect, Accept and Care for myself, not seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I am as an Expression of Respect, Acceptance and Care is not dependent on anything or anyone but myself, as a decision that I make within and as myself. Thus, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Learn by the Example I've set forth for myself, of who and what I am, when and as I was in the presence of my Dog - An expression of myself, of who I am under all the Layers of the Mind, Without any protection mechanism, absolute vulnerability and Self Intimacy and thus, When and as I remove these layers of the mind and accept myself as Who I am as Life, I will Find myself - that which I was always looking for but couldn't find because I've separated myself to the extent of which I couldn't even grasp that - that which I was always looking for, was myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that What I miss with regards to my Dog's presence is Who I have been as an expression of myself, as how I've experienced myself when I was with her, when I didn't have to become a specific character to align myself with my environment and I could have been simply Me, as an Expression of myself, without worrying about being judged, mocked, harmed or Compromised. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realized that I've CONditioned myself to my environment and gave Value to what other may say or think about me instead of accepting and allowing myself to simply be the expression of myself, as who I am in every given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I have perceived and projected as Intimacy with my Dog, was in fact a level of intimacy that I've had with myself which was lost when I gave away my Dog. In that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to React to my Dog not being with me any longer instead of investigating my relationship with her - who I am within the relationship, How did I experienced myself, Why and How have I separated myself within my relationship with my dog and according to what I've seen through self investigation, I change, correct and align myself within the Principle of Investigate all points and keep that which is good.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Give myself Unconditional Love, Respect and Worth and have accepted and allowed myself to instead project these components onto my Dog, believing that she gave me Love, Respect and Worth and thus reacted when I believed that I no longer have it instead of realizing that I can stand in alignment to Self Love, Self Respect and Self Worth, as an Expression of myself, in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek for Love, Respect and Worth from my external reality, in separation of myself, not Seeing, realizing and understanding that I've separated myself from such expressions, within the belief that only someone else, in separation of myself, can give me Love, Respect and Worth. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Desire being Loved, Respected and Cared for while Expecting to find someone or something that would give  me the Love, the Respect and Worth instead of me First Establish Self Love, Self Respect and Self Worth that is not Defined by anything or anyone; that is Not Conditioned to having a partner or a pet, but simply an expression of myself that would be measured by the Decisions that I make in every breath. Thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Project Love, Respect and Worth onto another and in doing so, never considered to Develop and Establish Self Love, Self Respect and Self Worth, as Who I am, as an Expression of myself that can be proven and validated by the Decisions that I make within what I will accept and allow to myself and what I will not.

 

I Commit myself to Show that Attaching and Associating Energetic Charge to our Pets and/or Partners, either Positive or Negative, indicates a point within and as ourselves that we haven't yet sorted out, through which, we suppress, ignore and deny our responsibility in sorting ourselves out by Projecting these Energy Experiences with onto our pets and/or Partners.

 

I Commit myself to Let Go of the Energetic Mind Components that I've associated, defined and attached to my relationship to my Dog and accordingly, keep on investigating the things she was busy showing me about myself, that I wasn't willing to see and take responsibility for.

 

I Commit myself to Develop, Establish and Stand as an Expression of Self Love, Self Respect and Self Worth that would be Measurable within the Decisions that I make within that which I accept and allow myself and that which I won't.

 

I Commit myself to - When and as I see myself accessing Inner Emotional Turmoil regarding my dog, to first make the decision to Stop, to take a Breath and See in self honesty what is the Nature of the Reaction and Who I am within this reaction. In this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to see where, how and why I have separated myself from the Physical through/by Energy acceptance and allowances and accordingly, I take Self Responsibility, Apply Self Forgiveness with Specific Practical Commitment which within that, I transform my application from Mind to a Physical Living.

 

I Commit myself to - When and as I see myself projecting Experiences on other beings in my world and my environment, to turn the point back to myself and to investigate where, why and how I've separated myself from such experiences, where, why and how I've defined myself as Lacking in relation to such Experiences.

 

 

My Relationship with My Dog Continue - Day 253

 

Continuing with investigating my Relationship with Yalda, the dog I used to have before I moved to the Farm.

This is a continuation to my Previous blog: My Dog as my Comfort Zone - Day 251 and Pets as a reflection of Self Intimacy - Day 252 which was also a direct continuation to the Series:  'How to Cope with the Death of a Pet'.

 

I would also suggest to listen to the Interviews: Pets and Owners Relationship Review to have a better understanding of the relationship connection between Human Beings and Dogs

 

So I got Yalda at a time where I felt extremely alone. Even though I was surrounded by Friends and huge Social network, inside myself, I felt very much alone. Only now, after walking Process for quite some time, I can pinpoint the reason and purpose why I deliberately created this aloneness inside myself and how it was a defense mechanism that I utilized to protect me from getting hurt again. I will share this point in another blog though.

 

With Yalda, the Aloneness wasn't as extensive anymore because there was always someone who loved me; Someone who would unconditionally make me laugh; be there when I cry; play with me; comes to walks with me; Someone who would never judge me or look down at me; someone who will always be happy when they see me and someone who would be extremely sad when I'm gone; This relationship made feel Loved, desirable, cared for - all the components that I was looking for from a partner however, it was constant, no Dramas, no roller-coaster, no getting hurt. And so, I was ok with not having a partnership with a male because I got everything I wanted from her.

 

At some point, I went to India for 3 months and I heard that my dog was extremely sad and unhappy. I was devastated and felt guilty. Then a few days after, I've been told that her favourite toy was missing and I couldn't bear the thought of her not having the ball she likes so much. So I arranged a friend to go to the pet store, buy this toy and go to my house to give Yalda the toy. I also knew that Yalda will be happy to see him because he was part of Yalda's Life. But, after a while, I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided to go back home, earlier than expected because I missed my dog to much. Obviously, it wasn't the real reason. The reason was that I felt so alone in India, I was extremely sick for about a month which activated and perpetuated lots of emotions and feelings within myself and also, the relationship I started to develop fell apart.

 

When I got back, a friend of mine came to pick me up from the airport and brought Yalda with her. When I saw Yalda in the airport, I couldn't help it and started crying from happiness, it's like my other half was finally coming to completion after 3 months apart. Yalda was absolutely happy to see me, didn't stop jumping all over me, and all the people around was in awe from this sight - me and Yalda and our special connection.

 

So, you see, Yalda became my Life, my Escape place where I could feel Safe, complete and whole, where I could suppress the depression and the aloneness I felt inside myself without having to sort myself out.

 

When I made the decision to move to the farm, I knew that I had to give her away. I knew that the day would come and I will have to let her go. I wished that my family will take her so that when I come to visit, I could be with her but they couldn't have her and I had to find a solution for her. I found an amazing family to raise her, with 2 young kids and a mother that works from home.

 

The first time they came to see her, not yet take her, I crashed. I couldn't stop crying. Yalda felt it and decided to not come out and see them. I had to really push myself to breathe and ask her to go out to see them.

I tried to keep her as much as I could until the very last moment of having to move out of the apartment and fly to the farm.

After 2 weeks the day had come and it was unbearable. It was a day where I literally couldn't stop crying, and even now, as I write, tears fill my eyes because it was a very sad moment for me. It was like giving away a part of me, my child. She didn't want to go which made it even harder for me. I knew that I couldn't see her again because if I would, she may think that I came to pick her up again.

 

It wasn't that obvious to me until I went to see her after a few days. I wanted to make sure that the family treats her alright and that she is comfortable. When I went up, while being in the elevator, I could hear her barking, she smelled me, she knew I was coming. She started scratching the doors and when she saw me, it was like at the Airport moment. But this time, I couldn't take her home with me again. The new Owner told me that the moment I push the ring bottom, Yalda knew it was me and become over energetic. Which was hard for me to hear because I couldn't understand how am I doing this to her and to myself. But I did understand, I understood that Yalda did her Part, she supported me greatly and it is now time for her to support other people and for me to go and support myself and other people, in a new environment.

 

I haven't seen her since. I mean, I do see picture of her when the owner upload pictures to her FaceBook account. But I never met her physically again.

I was twice in Israel since I moved to the Farm. In neither of the times I went to see her. The reason was - it was time for me to not only think about myself and to place myself in her shoes before making any decision. Meaning, I used to leave her couple of times when I went for a few months abroad. Every time that I left, she was sad, and every time that I came back she was again happy. She had to adjust to the new family and I didn't want to create expectation within her, that I'm coming to take her home, which then, she would have to re-adjust again to the new family. I had to push myself to not fall into my own self interest and not go see her while I was in Israel. There were moments where I drove by her house, to see if maybe, the owners is walking down the street with her and I could have a snap pick of my 'child' but I didn't allow myself to actually arrange a visit despite of the owners calling me saying I must visit.

 

Every now and then I hear stories about her from the new owners. Which makes me feel extreme longing for her expression, like, the experience the owner has with her, with Yalda's expression is what I miss and would like to experience myself.

 

So lot's of work to be done because despite of the Physical let go of her, I didn't let her go from within me. It's one thing to miss her expression but it is another thing to cry every time I think about her. So, I will start investigating this point for myself and share when I'm ready to share. So stay tuned.

 

My Last Picture with Yalda:

 

 

 

 

 

Pets as a reflection of Self Intimacy - Day 252

This is a continuation to my Previous blog: My Dog as my Comfort Zone - Day 251 which was also a direct continuation to the Series:  'How to Cope with the Death of a Pet'.

 

I would also suggest to listen to the Interviews: Pets and Owners Relationship Review to have a better understanding of the relationship connection between Human Beings and Dogs.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to Express myself and allow myself to approach new human beings without fear of rejections and judgement and I could only do it when there is an animal presence to support me to feel comfortable and safe within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I've projected my Strength and my expression onto my Dog, as if she was the reason why I was able to express myself and approach human being and getting to know them and within this, haven't realized that my dog was standing as a reflection of me, of who and what I am and she was simply showing me the component that I have within and as me which I am able to stand as who I am, regardless of her presence.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to utilize my dog as a source of power and confident to approach human being and getting to know them and I haven't allowed myself to explore who I am within approaching human beings and develop effective communication with them with or without her presence.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use my dog to avoid certain people within the excuse that my dog needs me because I felt uncomfortable to be directive in my expression and communication and simply walk away when I saw that the human beings are abusive in nature and there is no way I can assist and support them from where they are within their processes. Within this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize how I have limited and compromised myself when I was not directive within and as myself as I allowed the morality codes to decide for me how I behave and act instead of seeing self honestly, in the moment, what would be the best approach to direct each and every point and go for it within absolute self trust, without having to use excuses and justification to present myself as nice to others, to not hurt their feelings. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I have manipulated myself to believe that I don't want to hurt people feelings instead of seeing the core of the fear which is the fear of being judged, mocked and defined as unpleasant. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the fear of conflict and friction with other human beings to be my directive principle instead of walking according to a principle that would bring about the best for all outcome in every moment of breath, regardless the others onions, judgement, definition of me.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that people would judge my expression and define me as aggressive when and as I am being directive within my communication and thus, I utilized my dog as an excuse to avoid conversation with people that activated specific emotions and feelings within and as myself instead of first, turn the point back to myself and investigate what was the nature/source/core of such feelings and emotions and sort myself out so that I could direct the moment effectively regardless their judgement and definitions towards me. 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being and becoming intimate with other human beings and therefor, when and as moments of intimacy emerged where I could transcend the fears and become vulnerable in in allowing others to get know me and vice versa, I immediately went towards my dog, diverting my attention towards her and expressed intimacy with her and kept distance from the beings that I could have been intimate in communication with.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear Intimacy with human beings and therefor, developed intimacy with Animals because they cannot hurt me, manipulate me and leave me when things get a little bit uncomfortable and tough. In this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to NOT attach any emotional value to Intimacy and simply stand as an expression of intimacy within and as me and thus, I avoided Intimacy with human beings and projected it onto animals so that I won't have to face my issues and could remain in fear, very much suppressed without ever sorting myself out.

 

I commit myself to investigate my Fears of Intimacy and to assist and support me in becoming an expression of intimacy within and as myself. In this, I Commit myself to discover my own relationship with intimacy and to sort out what ever issues I may find within and as myself.

 

I commit myself to allow myself to get to know people for who they are for real, to approach human beings with no previous judgement, opinions and ideas about them and within that, allow them to also get to know me which through that relationship, I commit myself to expand, grow and empower myself with the assistance and support of others as a reflection and mirroring of me.

 

I commit myself to allow myself to stand vulnerable with other human beings and to let go of all the protection mechanisms that I've created within and as my mind as I now see, realize and understand that what I was missing was Self Trust in moving and directing myself, in any given moment and therefor, utilize Mind Personalities to define and tell me who I am in any given moment.

 

I commit myself to assist and support myself to develop absolute self trust within and as myself and in this, to develop absolute self intimacy with myself because I realized that unless I sort out my own self intimacy issues, I won't be able to develop intimacy in self honesty with others and if I won't be able to develop intimacy with others, I won't be able to develop intimacy with all livings beings in existential level, in equality and oneness.

How to Cope with the Death of a Pet? - Day 248

So.. Babitjie is no longer here in his Physical Form. We found him yesterday, powerless, helplessness and almost lifeless. The vet identified Kidney Failure and after 24 hours of no change, it was decided to put him down.

 

I'm working with the point of Emotional turmoil in relation to this point because I developed a relationship connection with Babitjie specifically during the last year. I learnt a lot about Cats from observing him, playing with him, being with him. Babitjie inhabited my room a while back and was my roommate if you will. His Expression was very specific and I enjoyed him a lot. He did have a down side when his Evil Nature came up from time to time, bullying other cats, he was like a kid, bullying in the outside but inferior from the inside. Lol, when ever there was a lightning storm he would go and be so close to me, like a baby that scared from laud noises. 

 

Anyway, what I'm looking at is the relationship creation and connection that I have formed with Babitjie, not long after I had to give away my dog, Yalda, when I decided to move to the farm. Giving her away was the difficult decision I have ever faced and it took me a while before I was ready to connect again with another animal because the thought of having to leave behind another animal was unbearable.

 

But Babitjie, didn't consider my mind fuck and simply decided for me :-)  Which was also interesting thing back then because I didn't like cats before I encounter Babitjie which through him, I could changed my entire perspective on cats, their expression and thus, experience enjoyable moments with them.

 

What I can already see is lots of self judgement for even allowing myself to cry and be sad for the lose of Babitjie's expression that I will no longer enjoy simply because his expression is unique to him and he is no longer here. but also, the crying is due to a few mind fucks that I can see through walking the SF process that I started walking before he was put down: (Note: when I wrote "no longer part of my direct environment" what I meant is that either the pet is dead or not part of my life any more like for instance with Yalda that is perfectly healthy and taken cared for doesn't live with me anymore)

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with Emotional turmoil when and as a Pet that I developed a relationship connection with is no longer part of my direct and immediate environment and thus, accepted and allowed myself to focus on my negative experience instead of investigating the starting point of my relationship with the pet and within that, what is it that I perceive myself as lacking which the pet gave me and now that point of giving is gone.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and be hard on myself for crying when finding out about a pet, that I developed a relationship connection with, has to be put down due to a severe health condition and within that, what I have not seen, realized and understood was that suppressing what I'm experiencing is not the solution. Instead, to realize that a pet has a specific and unique expression that will no longer express itself in the form that they were and thus, this expression that was part of my day to day Life is no longer exists and missing this expression without attaching emotional energetic charge to it, is valid. What is not valid is to attach the energetic charge to it as if a part of me is now gone because I'm here, same as yesterday, breathing, healthy, directive. 

 

Changing the form Life takes on does not change Life - Life remains the same. So, whether the Life is a sperm or an egg, or whether it is ‘merged’ or ‘fused’ into a new being – that new being is not a ‘new’ Life Form. It’s just Life in a new form, but it’s the same Life. (Economics Journey To Life - Day 156: Honoring the Right to Life in an Equal Money System)

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that LIFE isn't gone when the pet is gone, but the experience I've created within and as myself in relationship with the pet is no longer exists. Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that when a being dies, it is not life that dies, it is still Life but in a new form.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the emotions that I experience when a pet that I was connected to is no longer part of my Physical an direct environment and within that, justify to myself that the Experience is Valid because we had a Special relationship connection, we read each other, we were aligned with each other and thus, within that justification, not considering the Common Sense point that - the Relationship is an Experience I've created within and as myself because if that was real, I should have been able to develop the same kind of relationship with any being on earth. This is then thus why, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see in self honesty that the starting point of developing such 'Unique' Relationship with a pet is due to how I am perceiving myself as lacking which is something that the pet can give me. And thus, when the pet is gone, and the condition is now no longer exists wherein, the pet cannot give me what I wanted them to give me, I access Sadness, Fear, and sorrow. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the Emotions that I feel when a pet is no longer here, are emotions that derive from my self interest starting point of worrying that the Experience I Perceived the Pet to give me, will cease to exists.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the Pet, within my own self interest desire to keep them around, to keep the experience I perceive they give me and thus, do what ever it takes to "save" them however within this, I haven't consider the pet, I haven't communicate with them, asking them for their preference in dying or staying in this physical reality, not seeing the consequential outflows of us insisting to keep them alive, and the life that they would have if we would to succeed keeping them for a little bit longer. What we can see here is that our desire and need to keep a being alive is for and as our own self interest starting point with no real consideration for the pets themselves which then, the question we must ask ourselves - do our pets are our slaves? Beings that we are taking care for so that we can have an experience within our relationship with them? or is it a practical common sense wherein - there is an animal here, the animal require support and I am in a position of giving the animal the support the animal required. Within this, I may enjoy the Animal Expression but it doesn't mean that I need to create an energetic experience towards this expression because, who I am, is  not dependent on other beings expression, who I am is not dependent on the presence of other beings in my world. Sure, it's cool to have beings in my environment but whether they are physically here or not is irrelevant because it is only through the mind wherein what is gone is the relationship that I had created with them, in separation of myself to sustain my experience I perceive myself to have when I'm in their presence.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to raise a pet as a slave for me to have an experience in my relationship with them and within that, taking care of them, so that my Experience slave won't leave me and if they do, I would immediate replace them with another Slave that would give me the same experience, not considering to investigate the nature of the experience, why I require to have this experience from the first place and Can I transform to slave/master relationship to Equal and One relationship, not only with the pets but with all living creatures on earth.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access past memory experiences with the Pet that is no longer here, to give me a positive experience that would justify the Negative Experience that I accessed to within the belief that the pet is no longer 'Here'. In this, I forgive myself that instead of utilizing the past memory experience as a tool to investigate my own acceptance and allowance, the starting point of getting to know how and why I created an entity as a relationship connection between me and the pet, seeing what is it that I perceived myself as lacking which the pet can give me.

 

I will keep on investigating the relationship between Human beings and the Manifested consequences such as Animals health conditions and show why it is that the death of the animals on earth has to do with Human Intervention.

I will also have a look at what it is that I perceive myself as lacking which I require an animal to provide me with and within that, why have I accepted and allowed myself to enslave animals for my own inner happiness in total separation from myself and the animal. In this, I assist and support myself to develop equal and one relationship with animals instead of Slave/Mastery relationship.

And finally but important nevertheless is how I accepted and allowed myself to create relationship connection with one or two animals and I haven't been able to develop relationships with all beings. In this, why it is that I feel sad and emotionally charged when a pet I had a relationship with dies and yet, not considering or regarding all the animals and humans that dies every single moment.