This is a continuation to my Previous blog: My Dog as my Comfort Zone - Day 251 and Pets as a reflection of Self Intimacy - Day 252 which was also a direct continuation to the Series: 'How to Cope with the Death of a Pet'.
I would also suggest to listen to the Interviews: Pets and Owners Relationship Review to have a better understanding of the relationship connection between Human Beings and Dogs
So I got Yalda at a time where I felt extremely alone. Even though I was surrounded by Friends and huge Social network, inside myself, I felt very much alone. Only now, after walking Process for quite some time, I can pinpoint the reason and purpose why I deliberately created this aloneness inside myself and how it was a defense mechanism that I utilized to protect me from getting hurt again. I will share this point in another blog though.
With Yalda, the Aloneness wasn't as extensive anymore because there was always someone who loved me; Someone who would unconditionally make me laugh; be there when I cry; play with me; comes to walks with me; Someone who would never judge me or look down at me; someone who will always be happy when they see me and someone who would be extremely sad when I'm gone; This relationship made feel Loved, desirable, cared for - all the components that I was looking for from a partner however, it was constant, no Dramas, no roller-coaster, no getting hurt. And so, I was ok with not having a partnership with a male because I got everything I wanted from her.
At some point, I went to India for 3 months and I heard that my dog was extremely sad and unhappy. I was devastated and felt guilty. Then a few days after, I've been told that her favourite toy was missing and I couldn't bear the thought of her not having the ball she likes so much. So I arranged a friend to go to the pet store, buy this toy and go to my house to give Yalda the toy. I also knew that Yalda will be happy to see him because he was part of Yalda's Life. But, after a while, I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided to go back home, earlier than expected because I missed my dog to much. Obviously, it wasn't the real reason. The reason was that I felt so alone in India, I was extremely sick for about a month which activated and perpetuated lots of emotions and feelings within myself and also, the relationship I started to develop fell apart.
So, you see, Yalda became my Life, my Escape place where I could feel Safe, complete and whole, where I could suppress the depression and the aloneness I felt inside myself without having to sort myself out.
When I made the decision to move to the farm, I knew that I had to give her away. I knew that the day would come and I will have to let her go. I wished that my family will take her so that when I come to visit, I could be with her but they couldn't have her and I had to find a solution for her. I found an amazing family to raise her, with 2 young kids and a mother that works from home.
The first time they came to see her, not yet take her, I crashed. I couldn't stop crying. Yalda felt it and decided to not come out and see them. I had to really push myself to breathe and ask her to go out to see them.
I tried to keep her as much as I could until the very last moment of having to move out of the apartment and fly to the farm.
After 2 weeks the day had come and it was unbearable. It was a day where I literally couldn't stop crying, and even now, as I write, tears fill my eyes because it was a very sad moment for me. It was like giving away a part of me, my child. She didn't want to go which made it even harder for me. I knew that I couldn't see her again because if I would, she may think that I came to pick her up again.
It wasn't that obvious to me until I went to see her after a few days. I wanted to make sure that the family treats her alright and that she is comfortable. When I went up, while being in the elevator, I could hear her barking, she smelled me, she knew I was coming. She started scratching the doors and when she saw me, it was like at the Airport moment. But this time, I couldn't take her home with me again. The new Owner told me that the moment I push the ring bottom, Yalda knew it was me and become over energetic. Which was hard for me to hear because I couldn't understand how am I doing this to her and to myself. But I did understand, I understood that Yalda did her Part, she supported me greatly and it is now time for her to support other people and for me to go and support myself and other people, in a new environment.
I was twice in Israel since I moved to the Farm. In neither of the times I went to see her. The reason was - it was time for me to not only think about myself and to place myself in her shoes before making any decision. Meaning, I used to leave her couple of times when I went for a few months abroad. Every time that I left, she was sad, and every time that I came back she was again happy. She had to adjust to the new family and I didn't want to create expectation within her, that I'm coming to take her home, which then, she would have to re-adjust again to the new family. I had to push myself to not fall into my own self interest and not go see her while I was in Israel. There were moments where I drove by her house, to see if maybe, the owners is walking down the street with her and I could have a snap pick of my 'child' but I didn't allow myself to actually arrange a visit despite of the owners calling me saying I must visit.
Every now and then I hear stories about her from the new owners. Which makes me feel extreme longing for her expression, like, the experience the owner has with her, with Yalda's expression is what I miss and would like to experience myself.
So lot's of work to be done because despite of the Physical let go of her, I didn't let her go from within me. It's one thing to miss her expression but it is another thing to cry every time I think about her. So, I will start investigating this point for myself and share when I'm ready to share. So stay tuned.
1 comments:
Thanks for sharing Maya
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