Don't you Dare Giving me this look - Day 248

 

This is continuation to:

Don't you Dare Blaming me - Day 244

Don't you Dare Manipulating me - Day 245

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to React to other beings Facial Expression that I perceived to be an expression of Spite/ anger/disguised that is directed and in relation to their experience of me. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that their inner experience has nothing to do with me directly but what they have accepted and allowed within and as themselves and thus, when I accept the change in their facial expression through associating a past memory of someone being angry/spiteful/disguised, and make it personally, I, in that moment, validating their experience and disempowering/diminishing/compromising myself as I take their experience that they have accepted and allowed themselves to participate with and make it my own.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the other human being process, in unconditionally seeing the being as who they are, their Life Path, the Process they have walked and accordingly, assist and support, in self honesty, and in alignment to 'Give as you'd like to Receive', but rather, I have accepted and allowed myself to react to their reactions, make it personally and access a mind possession that I could have prevented, simply through/as/within breath.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Believe myself when I interpret another Facial Expression through my own mind, through my own knowledge and information database that I have collected, stored and accumulated throughout my life  and according to that, come to the conclusion that the other is in a reaction towards me, and thus, I must embrace now the Defense Mode Character that I have also created within and as myself and to  then thus, interact and communicate from a Mind starting point as how I would perceive to be the best tactic that would result in "peace" with the other human being and within that, for not just moment consider the other human being and their life path and their processes because I was to occupied in my own mind, separating myself not only from myself but from the other and within that, failed to stand by my own commitment to assist and support myself to Stop participating with my own mind as I already seen, realized and understood that nothing worthwhile can manifest from one's participation of one's mind.

 

I commit myself to assist and support myself in getting to the bottom of all points of reaction to other human beings within and as myself and to walk, slowly but surly, from Mind Reaction to Prevention as I already see the outcome when accepting and allowing myself to participate in Reaction and how in those moments, I completely disempowered myself and compromised myself and the other.

 

I commit myself to investigate my own body Language and my own facial expressions and within that, assist and support myself with communicating with the being in my environment, asking them how my face changes in specific moments so that I'll have a reference point for and as myself and in this - Not accepting and allowing myself to react and take myself personally when and as they showing me that which I wasn't seeing before. Through this, I develop open and intimate communication with others, in an agreement to assist and support ourselves to expand and grow ourselves, in getting to know ourselves and each other so that, instead of diminishing and disempower each other, we stand as support and accordingly, grow, expand and empower ourselves.

 

 

I commit myself to Stop making assumptions, perceptions and therefore conclusions and to stop believing the conclusion I come to within and through the mind as I see, realize and understand that following my mind, and reacting to what I see through my eyes, does not and will not result with an outcome that is worth while. Thus, I commit myself to - When and as I see that another had changed their facial expression, I stop, I breathe, and I make sure that I'm Here, within and as my human physical body, I touch my hand to support me with grounding myself and once I'm clear, I direct myself in that moment.

Don't you Dare Manipulating me - Day 245

 

In my Previous blog, I started walking the point of Reacting to others and taking it personally when and as one is blaming me for their Negative experience.

 

As I wrote the Self Forgiveness statements, I've notice the multidimensionality of the Reaction point in how the reaction is varied according to a specific memory that I've stored within and as myself, throughout my life.

Thus, I will be walking and investigating how, why, when, where I react and to what, so that I can identify the points of reaction and within that, transform my application from Reaction to Prevention.

 

Within today blog, I will be investigating my reactions when and as I perceive another to manipulate me, directly or indirectly and within that, assist and support myself in standing stable when and as such instances occur because I realized that accepting and allowing myself to react to others is to accept and allow myself to disempower, diminish and compromise myself which is obviously not acceptable. But also, there is always 2 sides to the same coin and thus, another point to consider and investigate is when and as I'm the manipulator side. that will be walked in the next blog.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react in anger within and as myself, when I perceive another to manipulate me and within that, I haven't accepted and allowed myself to turn the point back to myself to see, that the reaction of Anger, has nothing to do with the other manipulating me or not, it has to do with me accepting and allowing myself to miss a breath, to allow myself to be manipulated and in that disempowering myself to the extent of which I would compromise not only myself but the other as well as I'm not standing as a pillar of support, in directing the moment within Common Sense Practical Consideration but I direct the moment within a dismissive, inferior position which I would then thus try to avoid by accessing a defense mode, attempting to diminish the other so that I won't experience my own victimization that I've accepted and allowed within and as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to React in Anger when and as I perceived another to manipulate me because by the time that I realize that I allowed myself to be influenced by another's manipulation, I blamed the other for manipulating me and accordingly, get angry at them, not seeing the actuality of how I projected the anger towards them as if they forced me to be manipulated, not seeing, realizing and understanding that it was me who decide to allow myself to be manipulated and the anger that I experience is actually towards myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss a breath and allow manipulation to influence my stance within and as myself. 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame another for manipulating me instead of realizing that the source of this Blame is in fact anger towards myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into their manipulation however, what I haven't realized that so long as I accept and allow myself to blame other for my experiences and/or, for what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself, I'm abdicating my responsibility to turn the point back to myself, seeing my responsibility within it and how I can prevent such instances and stand in stability and self trust and thus, direct the situation to the best for all outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself while and during my reaction when I perceive that another is manipulating me or the situation that involves me from the perspective of my self interest design that I created within and as myself to then, instead of STOP my reaction within and as myself, allocating my starting point and realign my starting point through and as the Principle of what is best for all and within that developing a common sense approach in how to direct such points that would result with the outcome that is best for all, I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to take my power back from self interest starting point through diminishing the other, and prove them wrong and in that, keep my self interest intact, not seeing, realizing and understanding that in doing so, I compromise myself and the other through NOT standing as the directive principle but rather, allowing my emotions to take control and direct the situation for me.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to another's manipulation of a situation because I fear that they will 'win' their argument and it will affect me in some way or another however, I haven't realized that when I accept and allow myself to react to another attempt to manipulate a situation, I disempower myself from the ability to direct the situation effectively, in supporting the other to see their participation in manipulation so that we could re-align our starting point in making an agreement of how we would resolve the situation and thus transform the friction and conflict as reactions to a solution that will stand in alignment to the principle of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge and define another as manipulator because they have been manipulating me in the past and accordingly, haven't allowed myself to trust them as I accepted and allowed myself to hold onto grudge of the past event. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed my approach towards these beings to be from the get go, a defense mechanism approach and  thus, I would be alert and attentive and look for the spots of manipulation emerging so that I won't fall again and become manipulated. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to turn the point back to myself in seeing, realizing and understanding that it was always me that had decided whether or not I allow myself to be manipulated and if anything, because I've accepted and allowed their manipulation in the past, I didn't stand as a support in showing them that they have accepted and allowed manipulation to exists within and as them. In this, Instead of developing self trust within and as myself, to effectively direct situation when another is manipulating and thus, support them to see what they have accepted and allowed within them, I created another program within and as myself to detect such manipulation and to automatically React in Anger, short temper and spite and accordingly, start to defend myself when it is occur. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself to situation where I feel that another is manipulating me, through a program that I created within and as myself as Reaction where I would access a defense mode and attempt to prove the other wrong because I seemingly right instead of taking a breath, stop the reactions and direct the situation in common sense so that we can resolve the point to manifest the best for all outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to FEAR that another will manipulate me and their manipulation will affect me, as my self interest, in some way or another, and thus, I developed a defense mechanism as a reaction where I  will automatically access to, not seeing, realizing and understanding that while and during accepted and allowed reaction, I completely disempowered myself to practically direct a situation to produce the best for all outcome. In this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to stand stable and clear when and as someone try and attempt to manipulate me or a situation that involves me, and within that self stability, to direct myself and the other according to a principle that would produce an outcome that is best for all.

 

I commit myself to further expand, open up and investigate reactions as I see, realize and understand that when accepting and allowing reactions to exists within and as me, I completely disempower myself and compromise myself, others and this world as a whole so long as I don't stand in self stability, breathing and direct the moment to the best for all outcome.

 

I commit myself to when and as I perceive another to manipulate me, to then stop, breathe and realign my starting point and in that, to make sure that I'm free from reaction and able to direct the moment to the best for all outcome as a principle.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself accessing anger towards another when I perceive them to manipulate me, to then stop, breathe, turn the point back to myself, let go of the energy possession of and as anger and remind myself that the anger is directed and towards myself for allowing myself to miss a breath and speak from a self interest reaction. I thus, make sure that I'm clear and only then speak.

 

I commit myself to assist and support myself in standing firm, stable and clear within and as myself, when and as I communicate with another, in any given moment.

 

 

From the Bossy to the Loser - Day 215

This is a continuation to:

The Elite's delusion of stress - Part 1 - Day 45	The REAL Fear - Day 192
The Elite's Delusion of Stress - Part 2 - Day 46	The things we Won't tell ANYONE - Day 193
The Decision of TIME - Day 67	Missing out on the Good Life - Day 194
The Decision of TIME - Day 67	Let's have some Fun - Day 195
Copy Paste Character - The Education System - Day 184	Stupidity Loop - Jumping from the Bad to the Good to the Bad - Day 196
Is it possible to Cheat yourself? Day 185	The Smoke Screen of Ignorance - Day 197
It is time to STOP Existing as a Human Machine - Day 186	Leaving in a Dream - Day 208
The End of Times - Day 187	Having the Life Style you always dreamt to have - Day 209
Facing the Evil within - the KEY to LIFE - Day 188	IT is MY time Now - don't say a word - Day 210
Fear of Disappointing others - Day 189	Let's go on Vacation - Day 211
The Psychology of TIME - Day 190	Comparison is a Bitch - Day 212
I Regret, therefor, I'm a Good Person. NOT!!! - Day 191	Damn, I will never have everything done - Day 213
	Standing as an Example - Self Interest or Self Realization? - Day 214

 

For the purpose of context, suggest reading these posts above prior to reading the post below, if you haven’t already. Here I will be walking the 'I don't have TIME' Character - Internal Conversation/ back chat Dimension - Practical support with Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments.

 

Here, one must understand that the Back chat, are the source of all Evil wherein, what one accepting and allowing within oneself, within the belief that no one will ever find out, is nasty and evil shit. Therefor, I will be walking back chat by back chat, in making sure I purify myself from the Evil that I've accepted and allowed within myself, in the context of the ' I don't have Time' Character.

 

---

Look at X - X is working much harder then me, X is studying, working, walking the responsibilities X committed to, sleeping for 2-3 hours - if X can do it, I must do it and stop complaining.

 

Within this backchat my starting point is still in comparison that was activated within a reaction towards the idea/opinion that I don't have enough time. Thus, instead of utilizing X as an Example and within that reminding myself that there is an example that I can learn from and perfect myself to stand as Equal to this being, I participated in this backchat from the starting point of calming myself down, after a series of previous backchat that were more self destructive in nature.

 

As I've mentioned in my Previous blog - Standing as an example doesn't mean standing as more or less than anyone else, standing as an example is a self expression within the realization of: This is who I am, this is why I am here and this is how I decide to walk my life in assisting and support myself as others within the principle of Give as You would Like to Receive and as I received the Gift of having people in my Life that are standing as an example of what I could be and become, I make the decision for and as myself to walk my Own process in becoming that which I can become and so, as I walk my process, I'm Giving that which I received by standing as Example as an expression of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a backchat within the nature of calming self down is Valid and within that, haven't realized how I've manipulated myself within the belief that calming myself down through Thoughts is supportive and accordingly haven't investigated the nature of the backchat, what is behind the backchat and what is the backchat imply regarding to who I am within that moment. I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that calming myself down with thoughts is still done within a reaction and not in complete and absolute self movement of seeing what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with and to accordingly, as I see, realize and understand the point, moving through this, bring myself here, BREATHE and keep on going. 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to a being that I perceive to be better than me, as a motivator Key to how I would move and direct myself through Thoughts within and as myself, not seeing, realizing and understanding that this being is simply an example of self movement that shows me that once a decision is made in absolute self honesty and clarity, self is effective within and as oneself which reflect in what one do, as an expression of who one is.

 

In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the starting point within having a comparative back chat within and as myself and its relationship to the Diminishment character that I've created within and as myself wherein, I've Utilized a comparison point to "Remind" myself how I'm not good enough because there are others who are better than me and thus, I must not complain and simply do the work. In that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how through calming myself down in such away, through suppressing the 'I don't have time' Character, I had Shifted to the 'Diminishment Character' instead of assisting and supporting myself in standing within and as myself, so absolute and directive, in letting all of this Go, Breathe and move on.

 

A suggested reading to clarify the relationship between comparison and self diminishment:

The Self Diminishment Character - Day 94

They are Better than me, I'm so fucked up - Day 95

Taking responsibility for my creation - Day 96

 

" I don't understand how Y is doing what she is doing; I mean seriously, she is like a super woman.

What the fuck is wrong with me? why can't I simply apply myself breath by breath and have things done? Why I'm always complaining and blaming and being jealous.

 

What is "Wrong" with me is now the 'Diminishment' Character in full action that I had accepted and allowed myself to access to and give all my power away. So here, Despite of me noticing within and as myself that I compare, and complain, and blame and all of it through Jealousy, I still accept and allow this energy, this possessed entity to exists within and as me.

 

So, being so all mighty in my Previous back that that was discussed in Standing as an Example - Self Interest or Self Realization? - Day 214, to comparing myself to X, I slowly but surely went from the Polarity of being superior towards those that I've diminished in my mind, those that I had defined as ineffective in comparison to my "effectiveness", I now went into the other polarity, seeing my ineffectiveness in comparison to X and then I conclude that I'm worthless through the comparison to Y - that is how the Diminishment Character works and functions which I again suggest reading (Day 94-96)

 

I Commit myself to assist and support myself to STOP bouncing from one character to the other through NOT accepting and allowing myself any backchat whatsoever within and as my mind. I understand that it is going to take a process of Breath Accumulation and so, I commit myself to Remain Humble within and as myself, to not accept and allow myself to judge and be hard on myself and to simply, walk the layers of the mind, as it reveal itself, slowly but Surely.

 

I Commit myself to establish Self Respect within and as myself and to stop Diminishing myself and others within and as my mind as I see, realize and understand the Evil that exists within and as the Diminishment of others and I now walk the correction, Stop Comparing, competing, judging and spiting other people and myself, within and as my mind. Thus, When and as I see a backchat comes up, where I compare, judge, diminish and spite myself and others, I stop, I breathe, Delete and move on. I see, realize and understand that temptation would come and it is up to me to decide, in any given moment of breath whether I respect myself and others in self honesty, or whether I accept and allow the Evil nature of me to take over in absolute possession and so - I commit myself to assist and support myself to Decide, over and over and over again, to stand as Life until I no longer require to remind myself as I'm the living expression of Life that is best for all.

 

 

 

 

 

Singing Expression - Self Commitments - Day 108

This is a continuation to:

Suppressed Expression Character - Day 101

Suppressed Self Expression - The beginning of the End - Day 102

Singing Expression Character - Day 103

The Shyness Character - Day 104

The Shyness Character - Self Forgiveness as the parent - Day 105

The Shyness Character - Self Commitments Statements - Day 106

Singing Expression - Self Forgiveness - Day 107

I commit myself to SHOW that one of the dimension of suppressed Expression character within and singing, is the creation of the Shyness character which one have created through the acceptance and allowances of Past Memory Experience that one has stored in one's mind.

I commit myself to SHOW how we store picture inside our mind and how through those pictures, we make the decision of who we are in any given moment as automated compute characters without seeing, realizing and understanding that within that atomization of ourselves, we are not really Living within and as the physical reality but rather, living within an illusionary reality where we allow abuse and suffering of ourselves and each other as a protection mechanism that is based on self interest desire for an experience as energy. In this, I commit myself to SLOW myself down to be able to identify the pictures that I've stored in my mind as I see, realize and understand now the consequences of my permission to create myself as a picture in my mind and how through those pictures, I'm diminishing and suppressing who I am as a physical living being. And accordingly, when and as I see a picture in my mind, I identify the picture, investigate the origin of the picture and through a process of self forgiveness, I delete the picture and stand HERE, Breathing

I commit myself to When and As I see myself participating in comparison, to STOP, BREATHE and no accept and allow myself to follow the comparison thoughts as I see, realize and understand exactly where the thoughts will lead me - towards a stupidity cycle where I will utilize the comparison thoughts, to become jealous at others, to judge myself and through the negative energetic charge, attempt to raise my energetic vibration through becoming spiteful towards others in my mind, to elevate myself and as I'm now in the positive energetic charge, the diminishment character will step in and take me back to the negative charge. And so, as I see clearly the energetic cycle that can only exists when and as I allow comparison to be my directive principle, I STOP, and no more accept this shit as me. Till here no further.

I commit myself to stop jealousy towards anything and anyone within and as myself because I see, realize and understand that those whom I jealous at, have walked a process of perfecting their skills and accordingly, standing as an example that anything is possible if one will dare oneself to invest the time in oneself, to practice, educate and improve oneself within and as this space/time reality.

I commit myself to SHOW that when and as we accept and allow ourselves to suppress our expression as who we are, we are in fact sabotaging our human physical body because when we are busy with suppressing who we are, when we are busy walking as characters, there are changes and movement within and as the  physical, movement that create pressure on the physical organs, which we take for granted as if it is normal because we have slow ourselves down to see the consequences that we are accepting and allowing within and as our human physical body.

I commit myself to stop placing Value in what others think or say about me because I see, realize and understand now how the mind works and functions a character upon character creations that one is creating to maintain and sustain one's own desire for an experience and thus, I give myself the permission to express myself as who I am, in any given moment; I give myself the permission to direct and move myself according to what is here, what is practically and physically available in this physical reality; walking according to what will be the utmost effective support for myself and others within the Equality Equation.

I commit myself to SING as me as self expression and to stop my own self judgement based on comparison, and values that I've placed in separation of myself. I commit myself to stop the Shyness Character when and as I sing and thus, I move through the character, I let go of the my own judgement, I let go of the fear of how others will see/think of me. I give myself the permission to STAND as who I am, as self expression and ENJOY myself.

Singing Expression - Self Forgiveness - Day 107

This is a continuation to:

Suppressed Expression Character - Day 101

Suppressed Self Expression - The beginning of the End - Day 102

Singing Expression Character - Day 103

The Shyness Character - Day 104

The Shyness Character - Self Forgiveness as the parent - Day 105

The Shyness Character - Self Commitments Statements - Day 106

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the Shyness Character when and as I'm about to move myself and sing, as self expression, here, and I haven't realized that the Shyness Character that exists according to past memory experiences, is the character that I've abUSEd to diminish and suppress my expression within and as singing and thus, so long as I accept and allow the shyness character to dictate who I am and Self expression, I'm not in fact a physical living human being but rather an automated organic robot that works and functions based on past memory experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a picture in my mind of standing in front of an audience, on a small stage, Immobilized, frozen and hell scared and anxious and I haven't realized that as long as I hold onto this picture, I will not move myself and express myself in singing, as who I am within and as breath and in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see my starting point with creating and holding on to this picture in my mind, and how I've (ab)USEd this picture to suppress myself, as self expression.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare my singing skills to others and within that, created an idea that only those who are capable of singing "beautifully", according to my eye's view, can sing out loud in public and those who didn't develop these skills, are better off singing only to themselves where no one can hear them and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an idea in my mind, of what is a valid singing and what is not and through this idea, I've participated in Comparison in my mind, of myself to others and others towards myself as the idea in my mind, not seeing, realizing and understanding that this idea that I used to compare with, is the stumbling stone that I've set forth for me to suppressed my expression within singing.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy towards those who are freely singing and within that, I haven't seen the process that they have walked to perfect their skills, the time they invested in practicing and thus, I haven't considering the step to step process that those people have walked to perfect themselves; instead, I've accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into reaction as jealousy, not seeing, realizing and understanding that instead of investing my time in creating jealousy within and myself, I can walk the space time process of improving and establishing my singing skills through the example of others.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue suppressing my own self expression and within that, deliberately ignore my body as the experience of discomfort in my entire physical body and specifically in my throat and front thighs as they all of a sudden constricted when and as I'm suppressing my physical movement as singing expression and not giving me the permission to sing;  in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I'm accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself as my human physical body, when and as I accept and allow programs/characters to automated run and decide for me who I am in every moment because I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realized that those programs/characters can only exits because I'VE created them as ME, as my own Decision to diminish and suppress myself as life that is Here in any given moment and through not seeing the physical changes, I allow my human physical body to be stressed and constricted which put pressure on my human physical organs and in essence, sabotage my body's systems.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the Supressed Singing Character within and as myself because I believed that if I would, I would be able to fit in with specific groups of people that think it is uncool to sing and I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realized what they have accepted and allowed within and as themselves as the Suppressed singing character and in addition, created the: "I'm so cool" character to hide the fact that they are accepting and allowing themselves to suppress who they are. However, because I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate the character creations within and as myself, I've copied their character as equal and one as me. Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to trust who I am in every moment of every breath as the expression of who I am and accordingly, have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as characters to be able to be accepted and validated in my environment, not seeing, realizing and understanding the consequences of my doing - becoming automated organic robot that works and functions in absolute ignorance of who I am as Life that is here.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to direct and move myself according to how my environment sees me and accordingly make the decision to suppress myself because I've placed value in other people's opinions, thoughts, judgements and haven't accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to what is here, as the physical reality, but rather, accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to the illusionary reality of and as the mind of myself and others.

 

Also read:

The Self Diminishment Character - Day 94

They are Better than me, I'm so fucked up - Day 95

Taking responsibility for my creation - Day 96

Singing Expression Character - Day 103

This is a continuation to:

Suppressed Expression Character - Day 101

Suppressed Self Expression - The beginning of the End - Day 102

 

In my previous blogs, I was looking at the Self Suppressed Expression Character and while I was walking my Self Forgiveness, I've realized: Oh man, this point is quite extensive, and I must stop and take it apart from various directions and dimensions because otherwise, I will not see the totality of the Character and would not be able to assist and support myself with stepping out of character and become a Living Expression of who I am in every moment of every breath.

 

Today, I will be walking the Self Expression within Singing and I'll be looking at why, when, how and where, I've accepted and allowed myself to suppressed my vocals, my expression within singing despite of my enjoyment of singing to myself and with myself.

 

Identifying the Suppressed Singing Expression Character:

 

1. Picture of the Character:

The Character, as a picture in my mind, is like.. almost dried skin being as the constriction of the being's human physical body had led to a dried manifestation of the human physical flesh/skin.

The character is standing in front of an audience, on a small stage, Immobilized, frozen and hell scared and anxious.

 

2. Back Chats:

• I'm not singing as good as this person
• My voice is weird
• It's sound like a little girl voice when I sing
• Just give it up, you are not a singer
• Why they are comfortable with singing? We are coming from the same family.. Why one side of the family is so shy and the other one is so expressive? I should have born in the other side of the family.
• I would also like to sing like they do
• Why am I so shy? It isn't like me..
• What if I sing out of tune? Will others judge me? I better not take the chance.

 

3. Reactions:

• Embarrassment
• Jealousy
• Comparison
• Competition
• Spitefulness
• Shyness
• Anger
• Judgement

 

4. Body Changes:

• Discomfort with my human physical body:

• Can't find a place to place my hands - eventually, I will either clap them together with the melody or on the table/floor/what ever I can find.

• Constriction in my throat
• Pressure in my solar plexus area towards the heart
• Front thighs are constricted

 

5. Memories:

 

1. Within the Jewish culture, for each holiday, there are specific songs that are being sang when the families are coming together to celebrate the holiday. In Passover, there is one specific song that the youngest child supposed to sing and i have a specific memories where I felt pressure to sing because I have realized that none of the other kids would like to sing and but because I was the youngest, I was expected to sing.

 

I don't remember any problem singing before that evening but when I saw the resistance within others, I internalized the resistance within myself and have decided to resists singing in the family gathering as well. The backchat was: if I would sing, I will be defined and judged as the youngest and won't be accepted by the other kids in the family who are older than me and thus, to be accepted and validated as one of them, I must act like them and therefore, I mustn't sing so that I could fit in with the rest of the kids in our family.

I don't want them see me as young and stupid, I want to be part of the group, the grownup kids group.

And so - I've resisted singing in family gathering ever since - created the character of: "I'm not singing, it's stupid".

 

When we celebrated the same holiday with a different side of the family a couple of years later, or maybe a year later, a friction manifested within and as me.

In that side of the family, Singing was part of who they were and they enjoyed singing, enjoyed the sound, enjoyed the moment, no Shyness. At that night, I was asked to sing as the youngest kid on the table.

 

However, I have already became the character: "I'm not singing, it's stupid" and have thus, automatically resisted to sing. The friction emerged because within and as me, I wanted to sing, but I couldn't step out my character so that no one would be able to expose me when and as I'm in the presence of the other side of the family. And beside, what will my siblings say about me, that I'm young and stupid because I sing? No, I cannot allow that. And thus, I've decided to remain in character and act on my resistance to sing.

 

2. When I was around the age of 7-10, I was participating in the school chorus where I was placed in the Soprano group because I could sing high cords. The Chorus manger liked me because at that time, I was also playing on the Piano and she saw the potential that I could become with my music skills. But even then, I was preoccupied with self judgement and comparison which blinded me to see what the manager saw within me because according to my eye's view - I wasn't good enough, there were others who could sing better than me and I was so possessed with my shyness Character and therefore, I wasn't willing to sing Solo despite of the manager pushing me to sing Solo.

 

There was this girl (let's call her girl A), that sang beautifully and I was very much jealous at her, she used to sing the solo parts which I always dreamt to sing as well but didn't give myself the permission to step up and sing Solo because the Shyness Character was very much in control.

 

The next memory is quite vague and I cannot recall the specific time line but it was in one of the school shows where the solo was given to another girl (girl B) but she was sick at that day and couldn't join the show. From here on, I can't remember the specifics wherein I was either asked to sing instead of her because girl A wasn't there but than, they called her and asked her to come, or either I was wishing to be asked to replace Girl B but Girl A took the part at the end. Either way, I was extremely jealous and as far as I can remember, it didn't took long from that moment until I quit the chorus and stopped singing - Acting on the Giving Up Character.

 

I can write about more memories but the pattern remain the same - I have become the living memory of the Suppressed Expression Character as Singing. What is interesting is that before I started this blog, I couldn't recall the memories and when I spoke with another being, asking for a tool that I can apply to recall the memory, the being told me that the memory in itself isn't relevant as I've already become the living memory because the fact of the matter is - I am not giving myself the permission to sing, as who I am, within and as self expression. And as I was starting to write and opened up the non singing character that I've become, the memories started to come up only for me to see that what ever memory that I'll walk, the patter is still the same - Belief, Comparison, Jealousy, Judgement, Spitefulness looping in a cycle again and again, with different picture presentations, different beings, different environment, different space time - the only thing that is not different and is Equally the same - it the character that I've created as myself.

 

Ok, so in my next blogs, I will be walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements and commitments in relation to Singing. The practical application would be…. A surprise.. Wait and see.