Jul 25, 2012 | By: A Woman

Singing Expression Character - Day 103

This is a continuation to:

Suppressed Expression Character - Day 101

Suppressed Self Expression - The beginning of the End - Day 102


DSC_3475In my previous blogs, I was looking at the Self Suppressed Expression Character and while I was walking my Self Forgiveness, I've realized: Oh man, this point is quite extensive, and I must stop and take it apart from various directions and dimensions because otherwise, I will not see the totality of the Character and would not be able to assist and support myself with stepping out of character and become a Living Expression of who I am in every moment of every breath.


Today, I will be walking the Self Expression within Singing and I'll be looking at why, when, how and where, I've accepted and allowed myself to suppressed my vocals, my expression within singing despite of my enjoyment of singing to myself and with myself.


Identifying the Suppressed Singing Expression Character:


1. Picture of the Character:

The Character, as a picture in my mind, is like.. almost dried skin being as the constriction of the being's human physical body had led to a dried manifestation of the human physical flesh/skin.

The character is standing in front of an audience, on a small stage, Immobilized, frozen and hell scared and anxious.


2. Back Chats:

  • I'm not singing as good as this person
  • My voice is weird
  • It's sound like a little girl voice when I sing
  • Just give it up, you are not a singer
  • Why they are comfortable with singing? We are coming from the same family.. Why one side of the family is so shy and the other one is so expressive? I should have born in the other side of the family.
  • I would also like to sing like they do
  • Why am I so shy? It isn't like me..
  • What if I sing out of tune? Will others judge me? I better not take the chance.


3. Reactions:

  • Embarrassment
  • Jealousy
  • Comparison
  • Competition
  • Spitefulness
  • Shyness
  • Anger
  • Judgement


4. Body Changes:

  • Discomfort with my human physical body:
  • Can't find a place to place my hands - eventually, I will either clap them together with the melody or on the table/floor/what ever I can find.
  • Constriction in my throat
  • Pressure in my solar plexus area towards the heart
  • Front thighs are constricted


5. Memories:


1. Within the Jewish culture, for each holiday, there are specific songs that are being sang when the families are coming together to celebrate the holiday. In Passover, there is one specific song that the youngest child supposed to sing and i have a specific memories where I felt pressure to sing because I have realized that none of the other kids would like to sing and but because I was the youngest, I was expected to sing.


I don't remember any problem singing before that evening but when I saw the resistance within others, I internalized the resistance within myself and have decided to resists singing in the family gathering as well. The backchat was: if I would sing, I will be defined and judged as the youngest and won't be accepted by the other kids in the family who are older than me and thus, to be accepted and validated as one of them, I must act like them and therefore, I mustn't sing so that I could fit in with the rest of the kids in our family.

I don't want them see me as young and stupid, I want to be part of the group, the grownup kids group.

And so - I've resisted singing in family gathering ever since - created the character of: "I'm not singing, it's stupid".


When we celebrated the same holiday with a different side of the family a couple of years later, or maybe a year later, a friction manifested within and as me.

In that side of the family, Singing was part of who they were and they enjoyed singing, enjoyed the sound, enjoyed the moment, no Shyness. At that night, I was asked to sing as the youngest kid on the table.


However, I have already became the character: "I'm not singing, it's stupid" and have thus, automatically resisted to sing. The friction emerged because within and as me, I wanted to sing, but I couldn't step out my character so that no one would be able to expose me when and as I'm in the presence of the other side of the family. And beside, what will my siblings say about me, that I'm young and stupid because I sing? No, I cannot allow that. And thus, I've decided to remain in character and act on my resistance to sing.


2. When I was around the age of 7-10, I was participating in the school chorus where I was placed in the Soprano group because I could sing high cords. The Chorus manger liked me because at that time, I was also playing on the Piano and she saw the potential that I could become with my music skills. But even then, I was preoccupied with self judgement and comparison which blinded me to see what the manager saw within me because according to my eye's view - I wasn't good enough, there were others who could sing better than me and I was so possessed with my shyness Character and therefore, I wasn't willing to sing Solo despite of the manager pushing me to sing Solo.


There was this girl (let's call her girl A), that sang beautifully and I was very much jealous at her, she used to sing the solo parts which I always dreamt to sing as well but didn't give myself the permission to step up and sing Solo because the Shyness Character was very much in control.


The next memory is quite vague and I cannot recall the specific time line but it was in one of the school shows where the solo was given to another girl (girl B) but she was sick at that day and couldn't join the show. From here on, I can't remember the specifics wherein I was either asked to sing instead of her because girl A wasn't there but than, they called her and asked her to come, or either I was wishing to be asked to replace Girl B but Girl A took the part at the end. Either way, I was extremely jealous and as far as I can remember, it didn't took long from that moment until I quit the chorus and stopped singing - Acting on the Giving Up Character.


I can write about more memories but the pattern remain the same - I have become the living memory of the Suppressed Expression Character as Singing. What is interesting is that before I started this blog, I couldn't recall the memories and when I spoke with another being, asking for a tool that I can apply to recall the memory, the being told me that the memory in itself isn't relevant as I've already become the living memory because the fact of the matter is - I am not giving myself the permission to sing, as who I am, within and as self expression. And as I was starting to write and opened up the non singing character that I've become, the memories started to come up only for me to see that what ever memory that I'll walk, the patter is still the same - Belief, Comparison, Jealousy, Judgement, Spitefulness looping in a cycle again and again, with different picture presentations, different beings, different environment, different space time - the only thing that is not different and is Equally the same - it the character that I've created as myself.


Ok, so in my next blogs, I will be walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements and commitments in relation to Singing. The practical application would be…. A surprise.. Wait and see.


Marlen said...

"The practical application would be…. A surprise.. Wait and see."


kimamourette said...

cool Maya

katieconklin said...

Cool Maya - I walked through this same point - thanks for sharing this :)

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