Starting Over - A Failure or an Opportunity? - Day 232

So in a way, I'm starting my process again or to be more specific, aligning my starting point in why am I walking this path and who I am within the decision because, as long as 'Self' as a Starting point, within the principle of what is best for all, isn't absolute clear, I would keep bouncing back and forth with no actual and substantial change.

 

I have changed my starting point of walking process many times before. It is more in the context of aligning the starting point when I saw something about myself that I haven't seen before and accordingly, after introspection, I see the adjustments and alignments that must be done within my application.

In the beginning, I used to access self judgement within the back chat - "I have failed", "I fell", "everything that I've walked thus far is a waste" but after awhile, I had realized that it is actually a cool thing because After all, it is a process of change and it is a process of becoming honest with ourselves and as we walk, more dimensions are coming up and within that, we expand our level of awareness and our self honesty and we align ourselves, stand up and continue walking. The only Real fall is when I had accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and chastise myself.

 

This is where I am now - in a point of Re-alignment; meaning - even though I CONvinced myself that I'm walking this process for myself, the 'myself' was still in the context of self interest wherein, I used my Process to define myself as more, within a life purpose that I've created within and as my mind, within an idea that I have to get somewhere, that I must achieve a goal, that what I do must result with an outcome where I could look back in my elderly days and be proud at what I've accomplish in my life.

 

What I had to realize was that 'Myself' is not the 'Myself' in Self Interest that must be the Starting point. 'Myself', is not only me, in an isolated world that exists only within my mind. 'Myself', consists of and Exists as everything that is here within interdependent relationships that encompass everything and everyone and thus, walking this process 'for and as Myself', is not to satisfied 'Myself' as the Mind within the Definitions that I could define myself as but rather, walking it as and for Myself as the Realization that 'Myself' is Equal to and One as everything that is here and as such, I walk this process for and as everything that is here, in Equality, because this is My Self Responsibility simply because I am part of everything that is here. After all - What is best for all is also best for me.

 

So, the points that I would be focusing now is looking and investigating the definition that I've programmed myself within and as in how I have lost myself, as Who I am, as Real Life on Earth in an ocean of Definition, in separation of myself.

It is to walk to a point of Nothingness, that nothing externally or Internally would determine who I am. That nothing would move me, unless I move myself. What would happen after? we shell see, it is not important nor relevant at this stage because if it was known I wouldn't be able to trust it because if it was known, it would imply that it was pre-programmed and that I wasn't the directive principle within the programming.

Process of self perfection - overview - Day 70

 

For Context, Read - "The 8 Stages of Process" by Bernard Poolman - Interviews from the Desteni Farms.

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, understand and LIVE self Patient within a breath by breath Living expression because I've believed that everything must and required to be experience and/or done NOW and if it's not happening NOW, something isn't right. Within that, what I've failed to realize was that Self Perfection is a breath by breath process of accumulation within the physical space/time reality; a process of self dedication, devotion and will to assist and support oneself to for once and for all, perfect oneself as a human being through facing one's acceptance and allowances, correct oneself and practically change which through that, one will step out of one's mind and build, program and design oneself as the a Physical living human being in every moment of every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that self perfection is a process of accumulation which takes time; it took us years to program ourselves in the nature of that which we have become; it will take us years to de-program and Re-program ourselves within and as Equality and Oneness as self expression of who we are as Life that is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider that self perfection is an absolute breath by breath self application as a physical living expression, where one is directing oneself in one's practical and active participation in this world within a clear decision and principle which one stand by, no matter what.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to embrace the physical fact that self perfection isn't happening over night; just like that; over night;  but rather a self will, in absolute dedication within and as a clear decision that one has made for oneself wherein, one is walking as principle, in every moment of every breath, within a process of self forgiveness in self honesty, a process of stopping pattern by pattern until one becomes Nothing; which only from Nothingness, one is able to start applying Equality in self perfection through a real understanding of creation and how, within the limited space/time reality one can perfect oneself as equal to and one as existence as a whole.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted ad allowed myself to embrace myself as well as being humble within and as myself and thus walk my process patiently, breath by breath, stopping pattern by pattern, within the realization that self Perfection is a process of accumulation of breath by breath corrections within one's application wherein one see, realize and understand one's programming and thus, take the responsibility to deprogram and re-create oneself (reprogram) within and as principles of Equality and Oneness as that which is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to push myself to perfection without understanding self perfection and I haven't realize that within that, my starting point wasn't absolutely clear as an expression of who I am, but rather a part of a personalities that I've created for myself within the desire of self validation and the validation of others.

 

I commit myself to walk in patient my process of self perfection and absolute self will, dedication and devotion.

 

I commit myself to get myself back to nothingness within my Journey to become LIFE as my day to day commitment of assisting and supporting myself to see, realize and understand who I have become as a programmed set of patterns that I've defined myself as, to deprogram myself through Self Forgiveness in self honesty and to Reprogram myself within Equality and Oneness From Nothingness to LIFE.

 

I commit myself to perfection within Oneness and Equality through a process of stopping my self as the mind that I've defined myself as and to create myself as LIFE that is best for all.

 

I commit myself to embrace and acknowledge myself as who I have become and within that, stop self judgement when and as a I face a point within and as myself and thus, I stand in humbleness towards myself and others as myself. I realize that self perfection is a process that I walk breath by breath and it cannot be forced but can be directed by me as a principle of what I stand for and as.

Fear of Ending up Alone

 Day 1

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed my starting point of making decisions to be based on competition and jealousy instead of common sense decisions which I require to take the following points into consideration: where I am in my process, where is my potential partner in his process, whether it is practical in terms of living conditions, whether it is practical in terms of future plans of myself within the group and the existential process.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of ending up alone without a partner to influence my decision to get into agreement/relationship and within that, compromise myself through being in agreement when I’ve not yet aligned myself to myself where I can stand in stability with no matter whom I am with and the consequences thereof will be slowing me and my process down.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of ending up alone to develop into desire to be in relationship and thus, I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make decisions according to this one single point of fear of being alone, to enslave, control and direct me and in that, I’ve abdicated the responsibility to face the fear of ending up alone through participating in energy as desire to be in relationship in my mind instead of be and become the directive principle of myself and my world and practically and physically face that which I’ve become in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of ending up alone to be my starting point of my decision to engage with potential partner and in that, I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through instead of facing and walking through the fear, I’ve went into my mind as the desire to be in a relationship, not even willing to admit to myself that fear is what I have become and what I’ve existed as.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the belief that I must be in a relationship with a partner so that I won’t end up alone for the rest of my life to influence, enslave and control me and thus as the time pass by, I’ve build up stress within me through thinking “I must be in a relationship already”, “I’m 31 and I still don’t have a partner”, “I must have a partner as soon as possible”.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed building up pressure and stress within me in relation to not having  a relationship/agreement yet because of the fear of ending up alone and thus, I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise for a partner that will fill the spot, not considering or willing to see how I’ve compromised myself within those decisions wherein I’m making a decision based on my fears instead of making decisions that are based on common sense and practical physical alignment that will support me in my process.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed the decisions with regards to agreement/relationships to be based on what will support me the best in my process and instead, I’ve settled for everything that came by so that there would be no chance of me ending up alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to occupy my mind within the desire of being in a relationship/agreement, to not face the core/source point of the fear to end up alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that through the fear of ending up alone, I allow myself to manipulate men in my life into being in relationship/agreement with me when and as I feel threatened that another woman will “win” the guy as well as regret that i would later on feel through thinking that I could do something to get what I want but I didn’t. Within that, I forgive myself that I have NOT seen that the jealousy which I experienced towards the woman was generated as a defence mechanism that I’ve activated through believing that the woman is compromising my chances to get the object/man that I require to hide behind my fear of ending up alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on my perception of losing time before I end up being alone without considering the real physical reality as well as what would be practically support me and my world in my process.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that through fear of ending up alone, I miss the answer that was always here – me. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I can end up alone, in separation of me and all that exists in this existence and within that, I’ve limited myself to such an extent wherein, I’ve continuously and consistently only focused on one point which was the desire for relationship without realizing that this one point can only exists through my accepted participation and preoccupation in my mind as energy personality, instead of simply being here, in my human physical body, embracing, Worthing and supporting me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of ending up alone to exists within and as me and in that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed my existence of fear of ending up alone to direct my life and my world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach the belief/thought: “those that end up alone are losers” to the fear of ending up alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘unworthiness’ to ending up alone and thus, due to me being alone, I couldn’t embrace myself as worthy and allowed self abuse and sabotage through compromising for any male that would agree to be with me, just to be able to define myself as worthy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unworthy as long as I don’t have a relationship/agreement because I’ve attached worthiness to having a partner. Which within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire, want and need agreement/relationship to be able accept myself as worthy as well as being validated as worthy by society.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the extent of separation that I’ve allowed to exists within and as me through the fear of ending up as well as not realizing that aloneness is a limited perception that I’ve believed in through separating myself from myself and this physical world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see one of my relative who is single and old and assumed that she is miserable and lonely and thus, made the decision in very young age that I won’t end up alone like she did, not realizing that the decision was made in separation of me due to the allowance of fear that I’ve accepted to exists within and as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see my older sister when she was 28 years old depressed and lonely for not being in a relationship and thus, I’ve made the decision to not end up alone when I was 28 years old, not seeing and understanding that the decision was made out of fear of ending up alone, in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that ending up alone will make me be lonely and depressive, because I’ve not realized that those emotions are self created decisions that I’ve decided to live as, in separation of me through participating in my mind consistently and continually instead of remaining here, in my human physical body.

When and as I see myself thinking about a potential partner, I immediately stop, breath and making sure that I’m within my human physical body. I use this opportunity to test my application in relation to letting go of the fear of ending up alone and thus, I’m assessing my starting point within engaging/walking towards an agreement with this person.

When and as I see myself in a process of manipulate a being to be in agreement with me, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here. I will not accept and allow any decision that is based on the fear of ending up alone and thus, I’m the directive principle of myself and my world and will not take any shit from myself. I’ve realized how I’ve sabotage and abused myself within decision making that where based on the fear of ending up alone, I see where those decisions took me and thus - Till here no further.

I commit to myself to NOT accept and allow myself to participate within the fear of ending up alone because I see and realize that I’m Here, with all that exists and that aloneness can exists ONLY within one’s mind in total separation from oneself and one’s world.