How fear can control your life (Part two) - Day 483

This is a continuation from my previous blog where I left of with:

 

"Though, as I said before, another layer opened up this time where I was able to see the real reason of why I broke up with him and how through this decision, I compromised myself and my relationships with men ever since.

This I will continue sharing in my next blog post. "

 

What actually happened was that we started talking about sleeping over at each other's houses but that was something that my parents didn't approve while his parents didn't have issues with the point. One weekend, my parents were away and I planned to use that window to sleep over at his place - everything was prepared and we were about to go back to his place after a dinner party we were invited to but at the last moment, I couldn't pull it through. Meaning, I couldn't do it knowing that I am lying to my parents. Obviously, I felt embarrassed about the whole thing because I didn't want anyone to know why I changed my mind - it made me feel weak inside myself. In that very moment of feeling embarrassed and weak, I had a sharp pain in my stomach which I then consciously amplified so that at least I won't have to lie to my boyfriend that I prefer sleeping in my cousin's house in case the pain get worse and I will need her support. In essence, sleeping at my cousin's house was the 'story' that I told my parents so with manifesting the 'story' in the physical reality, I could calm myself down as I no longer participated in a lie but actually did what I told my parents I would do.

 

Understand also that neither of us at that stage had sex before and it was something that started to be 'here' from the perspective of where we were going with our relationship. Even though we didn't plan of having sex that night, on many levels I was ready to express myself  with him and I was uncertain where the night would lead to if I would to sleep over at his house.

I was in a huge conflict about it because on the one hand, I wanted to express myself with him but on the other hand, my parents' disapproval clouded my mind - I couldn't stop seeing my parents' face if they would to know that I am even considering having sex for the first time, nevertheless, if I would lie about it.

 

When I imagined having sex for the first time, I wanted it to be special, with a guy that loved me and that I could trust; with someone that is interested in me, in who I am, rather than just interested in having sex and/or in my body. Theoretically, having sex for the first time with my partner should have been the 'right' thing to do as this partner stood as everything I ever wanted from a partner. But as long as my parents would not have approved the fact that I am sexually active, I couldn't do it and for my parents to be ok with that, it meant that I had to face them and that was something that I was not yet ready to do - the fear about even speaking with them about sex was overwhelming.

 

I wasn't ready to face the consequences of becoming sexually active in my parents' eyes - just the thought about how they would see and define me was not something I could 'live' with nonetheless how they would see and define my partner - whether they will be willing to accept him in our house, whether they would be disappointed at me or him, whether I will still be the favorite child - these were just the tip of the iceberg when it came to my inner thoughts about this whole point.

 

I didn't know how to handle these thoughts and I felt that I had no one to talk to about this - none of my friends faced this point before and my relationship with my siblings wasn't intimate enough for me to ask for their advice. Obviously I did not communicate this point with my partner because I didn't want him to know that my parents have so much control over me in my own mind; so, I did what I knew to do best - when there was a problem in my life, I would just ignore it and walk away instead of facing the problem and finding solutions that would support me and people in my environment. So... I broke up with him as that was the only solution that I could think of to quiet my mind and maintain my relationship with my parents intact.

 

It took everything that I've got to block my feelings towards him and apparently, I mastered the point so effectively that after a few days, I didn’t feel a thing, my heart was cold so to speak, I was "over" the whole thing, as if he was a complete stranger. So much so that even with him 'fighting' for the relationship and doing everything that he could possibly do to 'win' me back, I was too far gone in my mind, not willing to accept and see everything he had said.

 

Understand that all of these thoughts and fears where not in my conscious mind - I was not even willing to admit it to myself. This is why I fabricated alternate reality for myself where I justified the break up with saying to myself that the relationship is too boring and that I need more excitement in my life. I suppressed everything to fast and so deep that I actually believed myself that exciting relationship was what I needed lol so,  I went off, opting for exciting relationship and for years, in many ways, I led myself to destructive consequences that could have been prevented if only I allowed myself to face my fears and communicate the points openly with my parents.

 

Will continue in my next blog.

 

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable with unavailable men because then, the chances of me getting hurt are almost nonexistent however, within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider me and me only wherein, I didn't take into consideration the female that is involved and how I'm directly responsible to a friction that is caused in their relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to orient myself towards unavailable guys to bypass the fear of being hurt again instead of taking responsibility for myself and that which I've accepted and allowed myself to participate with - blaming others for my own self victimization and to in that, sort myself out and prepare myself for an effective relationship with a male where we could start from the get go, build, develop and establish effective relationship that is not based on past memory experiences but rather on the potential of us standing together, in alignment, assisting and supporting ourselves to become a better human beings in this world, accepting our responsibilities as human beings in this world and so - grow and expand ourselves together within the principle of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to utilize my abilities to assist and support human beings when it comes to unavailable males wherein, instead of supporting them to correct and establish a functioning best for all relationship/agreement with their partner, I would lure them into falling in love with me, so that I could feel desirable and yearn for while disrespecting within this, myself, the male and the male's partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider unavailable men as a challenge, as if I must get them to prove that I'm more than their partner, as if having them, will satisfied my own self worth, not seeing, realizing and understanding that my participation within my desire to feel desirable in comparison to the male's partner is indicating exactly the opposite wherein, I've placed my self worth in other beings, in separation of me and in accepting and allowing the above design within and as me, self worth is nonexistent as I require something else to give me worth and in doing so, would crash over anyone in the attempt to get this alleged self worth as I've accepted and allowed my own self interest as my directive principle.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience stress when talking with a man that is available for a relationship and experience calmness amalgamate with naughtiness when communicating with a male that is unavailable for a relationship and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access the seducer character when and as I meet a guy that is unavailable for a relationship from the starting point of feeling desirable and more attractive than their own partner.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to open a door for the males to leave their partner in order to choose to be with me instead of instead of standing as a pillar of support, deleting my own self interest desire to feel MORE and stand as a principle of that which is best for all and in that, assist and support the male to support himself to support the relationship with his partner within the principle of Give as you'd like to receive.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to move and speak in a specific mannerism when communicating with unavailable guy for a relationship and within the way I move and speak, to seduce them in falling in love with me, so that they could break up from their partner and be with me and I'll get what I want - a momentary feeling of being MORE and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to move and speak differently as how I would move and speak with all human beings equally as one, when communicating with unavailable men.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be with a man that was previously unavailable and was breaking up with his partner for "me" and despite of me knowing how the pattern fold itself and how the man is really not trust worthy, I have accepted and allowed this man in my life for a momentary feeling like I'm MORE and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to- when in a relationship such as this, to constantly fear that the relationship would end as I know within and as me that the starting point of this relationship was based on Energy and that the energy would eventually dissipate and the guy would move on to the next target to continue recharging himself with a new and exciting experience.

 

I Commit myself to STOP and DELETE my desire to Feel MORE as I see, realize and understand the consequences of my actions when playing along with my desire for a specific experience.

 

I commit myself to stand as a pillar of support when and as I communicate with a guy that I see him having secret agendas in relation to me as I've came to learn how the body moves and how the voice change and what specific words the guy would use when and as the guy is interested in me while having a relationship with another woman. And thus, I commit myself to immediately assess, test and check within and as myself, whether or not there is even the slightest movement of a energetic desire within and as me. If I find that there is, I Delete the Desire, Breath and place myself back here. when I'm done, clear and stable within myself, I assist and support the male through showing him what he is accepting and allowing within himself and accordingly, open up this point, support him in changing his starting point in his relationship with his partner from energy starting point to Physical support starting point.

 

I Commit myself to not accept and allow myself to continuing the game that I was playing with unavailable guys within the belief that in this way, I cannot be hurt again and instead, to sort myself out within and as myself through a process of self forgiveness, self honesty and self corrective physical application as I see, realize and understand that participating in this game indicate that I've not accepted and allowed me as who I am and that in fact, I'm less than who I am when requiring others to validate and give me worth.

Wanting to be Saved by Prince Charming - Day 171

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

The Love Experience - Day 170

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create and believe in my creation of my own misery so that I could live out the fantasy of being saved by my Prince Charming and as years passed by and the ONE LOVE didn't show up, I created more misery for myself and more sadness for myself, not seeing the relationship between my desire to be saved by the ONE and the misery that I put myself through so that I could have this experienced of being saved. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself to such an extent that I prepared the way before me, in deliberateness, for someone to save me through the belief that it would be the only way that I could experience the LOVE, not seeing, realizing and understanding the consequential outflows of my desires.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the desire of being saved from  my own sadness as a design that I've created within and as myself, looking for the missing piece - for a guy that would play along within this design - one that had accepted and allowed oneself to participate within and as the Desire to Save.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to LIVE out the fantasy of a princess that is being saved by prince charming and accordingly, had set the scenes, preparing myself so completely with accessing all the agony and sadness that comes with it and I haven't seen, realized and understood how this fantasy was created through imprinting the fairy tales story into me, already from the childhood years, believing that this should be my story and therefore, became the character of my own life, to stand in alignment with the fantasy scene that I was busy building up where all along, the one point that kept me going was HOPE that my Love Story would end up like in the Movies = happily ever after.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get in a relationship from the starting point of the desire of being saved and I haven't seen, realized and understood the consequences of starting a relationship from a desire to be saved wherein, once I change my the dynamic within the relationship where I no longer need to be saved as I already experienced that LOVE and already got the guy, the relationship can no longer stand since it was no more in alignment with the desire of wanting to be saved as wanting to save.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate guys through my own desire to be saved, through presenting myself as Sad and within that, to open a door for the guy, to access his own design of being the saviour so that we could both play the game and live happily ever after.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through deliberately become the sadness character - always seeking for Drama, for a story that I would then utilize to manipulate the guys that are carrying the Design of a saviour and within my own self manipulation, I became to know me as Sad and accepted the sadness as me, not seeing, realizing and understanding that becoming sad was my own deliberate decision that I've accepted and allowed myself to stand as and I haven't seen how powerful I am within my own creation of sadness, as I've also created the forgetfulness that I was the one who decided to create myself as sadness as a manipulative action to attract a guy.

 

For male's perspective regarding the design of wanting to save a girl - suggest reading Fidelis's Journey to Life - Day 65 - Also Attracted to Broken Girls Part 2 

 

I Commit myself to show how a child is creating a fantasy in one's mind, in the first 7 years of one's life and accordingly, would slowly but surely, start playing the character role that one had put forth to oneself without seeing, realizing and understanding the consequential outflows that one is creating within the acceptance and allowance of oneself to participate in one's desires that one would design oneself as throughout one's life.

 

I Commit myself to remind myself that I am always the ONE who decide and what ever I created myself as, I also created the forgetfulness of becoming my own creation so that I would never find out that I've created myself as such and accordingly change.

 

I Commit myself to Expose the Design of the Saviour and being Saved that human beings are participating in our journey to find the ONE, the LOVE and within that, SHOW the relationship between the Design and the Media.

 

I Commit myself to be attentive to how my Mode is changing when and as I meet a guy and within that, make sure that I'm not accessing the design of being saved where I would manipulate myself into becoming sad to draw attention within the Hope that the guy would play along and carry the Saviour character.

The Love Experience - Day 170

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

Values System Within my Mind – Day 169

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where children are being extensively brainwashed into becoming Self Interests Vampires, searching and looking for LOVE that would give one the Experience of Divinity, Wholeness, completeness, Loved and Cared for, for only a Moment, and through this, the children are turning into adults that would perpetuate the separation that is based on one's Self Interest in a divided, cruel and abusive words, which they would justify the wars for example in the name of Love.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the Reason why Love was promoted in this world is for us to not face our fears of being alone and so, instead of assisting and supporting the human race with giving them tools to be able to face and deal with their fears, Humanity had become Zombies - totally blinded from seeing reality as what it is and only focus on one's achievement for one's love and accordingly, never even consider creating a world that is best for all where the Self Interest transform to a common interest that is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the Idea about LOVE that is prompt into children from a very young age through the media as fairy tales, Books and TV, is coming from the starting point of Controlling the masses so that we would never, ever, stand up for a world that is best for all because through this brainwashing, we remain enslaved to the idea/concept of LOVE as an experience which we must attain at least once in our lives and within that, we will not rest until we will have it, we will not see anything, until we will have it and from that perspective, we will not care of anything or anyone else as long as we maintain and get to this moment of Love that would fulfil our inner self wit emotions and feelings that will entirely take over any chance of common sense and within that - seeing reality as it is, what is required to be done to be able to establish, develop and manifest a world that is in fact, best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create specific symbolism through which I can define Love as an experience which only when these symbolism are manifested, the feeling of Love is over taking my entire physical body wherein, I'll justify and reason why I'm feeling that which I'm feeling and would in that, ignore the physical reality, all the signs, all the red flags that indicate that I'm accessing another cycle of self sabotage and in that, direct myself within decisions that are based in practicality instead if directing myself according to the symbolism that I've created in my mind which I defined as real and valid.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place values in my illusions regarding LOVE that I've created already in the childhood years and since everyone was holding onto the same values, I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that these values must be real.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see what LOVE is and in that, accepted and allowed myself to always seek for that experience as others had told me that I must experience it within my Life and in that, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of this LOVE, and the consequences of accepting and allowing self to be blinded by this love and in that, questioning - if love was so magnificent and important, why are accepting and allowing a world of HATE that is justified by LOVE?

Values System within my Mind – Day 169

 

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

 

So, it is clear by now that my decisions regarding men were always fucked up so to speak. While writing it all down, it made me realize that my value system was always unstable from the perspective of valuing specific characteristic while always disregarding myself in self trust/respect. 

 

My tendency was going after those who have strong relationship with their dicks (excuse me for being so frank), those who have self confident, very masculine and strong affection to Porn and Masturbation. Obviously, I didn't look at why am I attracted to those characteristics and what is myself interest desire within it.

Through listening to The Relationship between Sexuality and Money interview, I'm seen why and how I developed the tendency to be with assholes guys.

 

Until recently, the moment I met a guy or targeted someone as the prospected partner, the first thought that came up in my mind was - will he be able to financially take care of me. Now, it is not that I'm not capable to take care of myself but the preprograming is so extensive that only when slowing myself down, I noticed the existence of this backchat within my mind.

I would than go to the imagination dimension, seeing us together, already living together and having a future together. For more about the imagination dimension, please read:  Illusion Reality vs. the Physical Reality - Day 3 as well as watch: Illusion Reality vs. the Physical Reality YouTube video.

 

However, I never investigated the nature of the back chat in relationship to the male's relationship with one's sexuality and money and my attraction towards these men.

As I'm scanning through my past relationships, each one of them had the potential of being financial stable and each one of them had a close relationship to Porn and Masturbation. And the guys that were chasing after me, where exactly the opposite - no financial stability and no close relationship to Porn and Masturbation.

 

So, what does it says about me? Where, why and how I've placed within me the values that led me to make such decisions? What did I valued vs. what I didn't value and who I was within these values and whether or not I have ever valued myself? Where did I pick up these values and who taught me these values?

Lots of question that I never asked myself and thus, so blindly followed these values and fell into the same pattern within the decisions I've made, over and over again.

 

From tomorrow - extensive Self Forgiveness regarding all the points I've written down recently. Stay tuned.

Men only think about Sex? - Day 168

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

 

Continuing with Love, Sex and Spirituality -

 

And so.. As time past by, my resistance towards having a partner had grown and it was 2 years before I had sex again.

 

Obviously, not having sex for 2 years had made me feel good about myself, like I'm more than who I am or who I was, that I'm clean, purified and ready for my ONE.

 

That time, I lived in a small neighborhood that was mostly defined by the various artists that lived there. It

Was by itself, a Spiritual place - and it was where I was first exposed to Spirituality.

I was known by lots of people because I used to walk with my dog many times during the day as well as working in a gallery in the centre of the neighborhood where I could sit down on the street coffee shop when there were no costumers.

 

So, one day, one of the neighbours came to join me on my table and told me a little bit about himself, where is he from, what does he do in Israel and he invited me to come to see his performance which I was very much excited about because the show he was participated in was a show that I wanted to go to for a while.

The day after he called me and said he got a ticket for me and so - I went.

 

To make long story short, this guy followed me around for a few weeks, asked me out, took me to places, used specific words to get my attention, sang song to me and so on. For me, it was a new and exciting experience because his cultural behaviour and mannerism was far from the Average Israeli cultural behaviour and mannerism and I liked it. The words they use in their culture is in a way, respecting, warming, inviting. Like, the woman is considered, appreciated and respected. (Or so I thought :-) )

 

When we got to the Sex Point and I was still holding onto my decision to not have sex until I'm certain that I have supportive relationship with the "One" and also, I was step away from leaving the country for a few months and I couldn't trust that the relationship would stand when I'm gone.

 

Interesting enough, all the Red Flags where there but I didn't want to see because it was disguised with nice words. The pattern that emerged in my life previously showed me that the men that I'm interesting in, only wants sex. Those whom are interesting in me, I do not want them. Obviously, I didn't have the tools to investigate how and why this pattern had emerged throughout my life and how I'm directly the cause of this pattern.

 

At some stage, I became hooked to the new experience with this guy and I was starting to belief that I took the non sex thing to far and that I'm punishing myself by not having sex. The starting point obviously, wasn't self honesty, it was self manipulation so that I could have sex. It wasn't like I suddenly became clear through, investigating why from the get go I punished myself with restraining sex. And so.. I had sex.

 

For the next 2 weeks, before I left, we had cool relationship, we spent lots of time together and slept together almost every night. I had no idea that inside him, he was playing this game because I knew that I'm leaving and that the relationship would fade away as I'm gone. During the time together, I totally lost it and I fall in love. Literally FELL lol.

 

When I came back from India,  I had realized that the entire thing we had previous to my trip was all about sex, and that the words that was used was to get me into bed. He took the non sex thing as a challenge and decided within him that he must break me down. I confronted him about it and asked him directly whether it was all about getting me into bed and he looked me in the eyes and said - Yes. Only Sex.

 

The truth - I was lucky enough to have already walking Process and slowly but surely was more comfortable with my own self application to assist and support me in pulling myself up again and to not suck into another emotional breakdown that may take years to step out of.

 

So, if yesterday I've seen that No Sex = No Relationship and tried to walk the other side of the polairty - Having sex = Having a relationship doesn't work as well. And so - what is really the problem, is it men or me? Where is my Value system through my relationship stories? No where to be found. :-)

 

Anu's interview from today - The Relationship between Sexuality and Money - opened up another dimension regarding my choice in man and my tendency to go after assholes guys. So.. More to come tomorrow which then finally, the entire picture would be clear for me to free myself from my past experiences, my choices, my decisions through a process of Self Forgiveness, Self Commitment and Practical/physical change.

No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

 

Continuing with Spiritualizing Love..

 

When I was a spiritual person, I believed that I must purify my Body and my Sex Chakra because of my past sexual partners. I came to believe that unless I retrain sex from myself, I would never find the ONE and that I must preserve my  body for the special guy. Till then.. No sex for me.

 

By the time I came to India and met my 'Master', I was totally possessed by the fact that my soul is not purified, that my soul is dirty and that I must walk a cleansing process to undo what I've done.

My Female Master was working with my sex Chakra and asked me to not have sex during the time I was studying to become an Healer. And blindly, I followed her commend and what happened then?? Obviously, I met a guy.

 

In India, things works in a different pace in comparison to the regular city norms. We spend 2 days together, talking, getting to know each other and 2 days after, we were already living together. "But I can't have sex. It is forbidden. I want to, I can't. maybe it is fine because he is also walking a cleansing process, so maybe I should have sex. I meat, what can go wrong, we already kissed and everything.." - that was my back chat but I couldn't give in to the back chat because the thought about having un purified sex chakra was to much to carry. And facing my master the day after?! Oh no.. Can't go there.

So we didn't have sex and a week after, he decided to move out because according to him, it was too difficult to sleep in my bad without having sex and he cannot stand the temptation.

 

Immediately, I associated the following- Not having sex with a guy Equals to not having a relationship because the only thing a guy wants from me is sex. So, I accepted it, I let him go and within that justified why it was a good decision to not have sex with him. Inside me, I felt resentment towards this guy in particular and towards males in general.

 

When I came back to Israel, I met another guy. He was really sweet and kind and I even step out of my safe zone and allowed myself to go out with him on a date. But - one thing was certain - No sex, not even kissing is allowed.

So, we met a few times and slowly but surely I started developing resentment toward him and was constantly looking for fault in him. every time we met, he asked to kiss me and I said: "No". And as much as he pushed, I became more impatient until I cut it completely off.

Where I'm getting to? Well - I had a dream a few days ago which was as clear as water - no need to interpreted or make any assumptions. Me and this guy from Israel were sleeping together, we were a couple, and I did some things while he was still a sleep lol. When he woke up, he told me: "I didn't know that you are so sexually expressive" and he took some liquid form and wet the bed around me, and said that this liquid will restrain my sexuality. And I woke up.

 

This dream shows me that I've suppressed my sexuality to such an extent that I don't even know myself as a sexual person and that there is a still a part of me that spiritualize sex - a point that I'v not completely investigated and looked at.

 

So… tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

Part 2 - What is Love to me?

 

So I'm continuing with What is Love to me and I almost got to this point in time where I have found Desteni. However, there is another phase I must walk to see how I've defined Love, Who I am as Love, Why I am as Love and What is Love to me.

I started of with walking through my first Love and the consequences of this Divinity experience  that I had imprinted into me from a childhood years through the fairy tales stories and movies. Then, I walked through how I've blinded myself to such an extent that I couldn’t see the signs that where all over the place until everything had to fall, went into depression and finally, found what Love is to me, which I'll get to after I'll cover the missing piece - the Spiritual LOVE.

 

So… What is Love to me from the Spiritual eyes? One big cosmos joke? No really.. I didn't see that as a scheme right away. I had to walk a process of complete mind fuck regarding LOVE as a spiritual person.

As a spiritual person, seeking for enlightenment, seeking for inner peace and seeking for Self love so that the divine love that I had initially fantasied about could maybe manifest within and as my world.

 

I was sure that I had to do nothing but meditate and wait to my ONE according to all the channelling, Astrologists, Psychics that I've met and paid lots of money for. I was sure that he is coming and when he didn't I've altered that love to another form of promising love - I wanted a child. A baby boy that would love me and cherish me and you know.. When I get old, would care for me and save me from my elderly misery. So you see, I've changed the component that I wanted to have from my prospect partner and imposed it the a prospect child.

 

I was talking to this prospect baby, I even saw him (lololol). I prepared myself to him, I gave up the idea of a partner in this picture because my biologic clock was ticking from a reason that was unknown to me.

Lol the biologic clock - that would be another character to walk.

 

I practice Universal Love, Cosmos Love, Love and Light, sending vibration of Love towards the world and through my love to the world, everything will be fine, but only for those who have practice the same. For the rest - they are walking their Karma, they are punishing themselves for what they have done in their past lives. Obviously, I haven't seen that the LOVE that I defined myself within and as was nothing but a delusional phase that was all based on my own self interest and I haven't seen that the spiritual Love, the one that is based on Good and Positive Energy vibration had nothing to do with the physical process of actually bring Love into a physical manifestation where I walk the process of making sure that all would have a dignified life and no one would ever have to suffer in this world as a whole. For my Spiritual Expose blogs - please visit Here

 

Love for me, as a spiritual person was none existent in fact because the depression would not go away. When I was all alone, at home, the depression was very much there. So what have I done? I brought home a Dog and completely spiritualized her - I made her my LOVE, my baby, my partner, my prince charming.. She was everything to me. I've seen the other day that my relationship with my dog, which is no longer in my custody as I had to leave her to a family to take care of her when I moved to the farm, is not yet clear and I will walk in blogs to come the debunking of this point as I see how I'm still very much emotional regarding her presence or lack of presence in my world and my environment. 

 

Than, what was Love to me? Well, I never knew - for me, everything remain the same.. I didn't love myself more, I didn't love anyone else more, except my dog and the prospect child that I saw in my visions. Obviously, I didn't dare speaking it out loud because as a spiritual being.. I must obey to my porpuse, I had to suffer so that I could birth myself.. I was all love and light in my external presentation and was all Dark and Hate in my internal presentation, so Dark that I couldn't see it. If anything, Love was contained with confusion and I only got myself further away from Love as I couldn't stop the depression, no matter how much I had tried to keep myself busy with Love and Light.

I remember now that the patterns had never changed and my choice of man in my spiritual phase was the same as before - no self respect but only now, I have abused the idea about spiritual Love to fit in with my childhood desire for the divine Love.

Lol I tried, I really did, to experience this fantasy Love through meditation and spiritual gathering with other beings.. Nothing worked - when I met guys that I could in fact build an establish an effective relationship with, I made the same mistakes, over and over again. I feared being in a relationship so much that I never let anyone getting close to me, I didn't let anyone to invade my private inner me so that I would NEVER again would get close enough to the experience of being rejected by the man that I Loved. I couldn't allow myself to get intimate with another human being because I feared that my world would collapse again if the relationship will not last. The gap between what I desired and what I feared was huge and I couldn't balance that point and so, preferred being alone, despite of my fears of ending up alone because it was safer for me.. The chance of having this disappointment again was dominant, unconsciously, I could not bare it.

 

So, it seems that I would have ended up alone, with depression if I would have not find Desteni. It is not that I have a partner now that after finding Desteni but I do not require one to fulfil me, to take care of me, to fulfil my childhood desires, to support with my happiness, to touch my face and tell me he loves me. It is not that I wouldn't walk an agreement with anyone, I would if it's here, supportive and aligned with where I am in my process. But one thing is definitive - I am here, assisting and supporting myself, no more depression, no more compromising myself, no more self abuse within relationship.. No.

 

Spiritual Love was an alternation of my childhood fantasies into words that are acceptable within the Spiritual regime. When I'm bringing the moment here, there is nothing there. Love was so undefined as a spiritual person, Love was an Empty word with no context to back it up. I guess that what assisted me to see and hear the Desteni message. In self honesty, already in the spiritual phase, Love was so suppressed within and as me, like a dark wall that I had no intention of breaking through.

 

What is Love to me now than? Will uncover, redefine and reveal in my next blogs where I'll be walking the SF regarding to the question - What is Love to me.

 

 

Artwork by Scott Cook

What is Love to me? Part 2 -- Day 157

The Relationship between Love, Sex and Relationships

 

 

This is a continuation to:

Part 1 - My First Love.

 

To be able to answer this question, I must first let go of the judgement I have towards this word - both the Negative and the Positive because while I'm holding on the energetic charge in judgement, I cannot see what Love is to me as I would go and alter my words, essentially manipulating myself so that my answer would suit the judgement I've placed upon this word.

 

Love was a fantasy that I was aiming to achieve through finding the ONE that would make me feel the divinity I've imposed onto what I thought Love is.

Love was a point where I could feel my entire existence safe and sound, knowing that there would be this ONE that would love me, care for me, be there for me, no matter what.

Love was a point which where I was seeking for saviour - someone who would pull me from my own self misery that I had experienced within and as me only, I had no realization that I was the one who created this self misery to be able to experience the moment of being saved.

Love was Communication - where I could share all my ins and outs and not being judged, corrected and diminished.

Love was someone who place his hand on my face, look right into my eyes and could, in that moment, see the entirety of me - all my secrets that I've kept within and as me.

Love was someone who would place me first, before everything and everyone else, who would always consider me first and build his entire world around me - to always satisfied me needs and my desires.

I can start seeing now, how these components above where the ideal partner that I was looking for and if one of the component didn't match the physical reality, I would back off, I would resent, I would close myself up and wouldn't let the being access my inner me. I wouldn't give this person a chance to get to know me, get to know himself as me, and essentially, get to know each other as who we really are.

 

And so - with my first boyfriend - some of the components didn't exists because I didn't feel safe, I didn't feel complete, I didn’t feel saved, I didn't feel that I can communicate with unconditionally..

And as the years goes by and my desire for love grow, I started to priorities these components and could only be satisfied with someone who slightly care about me, just enough to give me a call once a day, to hug me when we meet and that was basically it.

Although, I still pushed the point of wanting more from the partner, wanting to fulfil my fantasies, wanting to feel this love in its entirety. You know.. Like in the movies. But my fear of ending up alone was always more dominant and so, I allowed myself to compromise myself in terms of the decisions to stand within my own self agreement regarding to what I would accept and allow from my partner as well as myself and what I would not.

 

It was inevitable that I would end up alone and won't fulfil my desires as my desires were never real. Obviously, while I wasn't aware of my own self deception and believed so truly that love, as I defined love, exists, I access depression and got only further away from myself. Until I came across DESTENI. 

 

Initially, before Desteni, I started a spiritual process trying to find LOVE from a new point of view. This time it was more oriented towards myself - to start loving myself. However, here, I would  have to look at the definition I've placed to LOVE as Energy delusional value and what Love was to me within and as the spiritual eyes.

 

So - to be continued as I'm unfolding for myself, for the first time what Love is to me, why I am as love and who I am as love.

 

Art work – Andrew Gable 

The Relationship between Love, Sex and Relationships - Day 156

Part 1 - My First Love

 

So for a while now I've been looking at my relationship to Sex, Sexuality and Relationships and interesting enough, I've not yet looked at LOVE in terms of What is LOVE to me, Who I am as Love and Why I am as Love. Within that questions further investigating the relationship between Love to Money and Family as the stepping stones of one's personality/character creation. Within this blog, I would also look at the question - Is Love based on Fear?

 

Ever since I was a child, watching these fairy tales movies and reading fairy tales stories, I developed this fantasy of having such great Love because the experienced of those characters in the fairy tales was like, almost, divine, something so special that would make my life be so perfect.

I remember having these fantasy of having a guy that would do everything for me, as if I was a princess, that he would love me so much and I could experience this divine feeling for myself.

 

When I was quite young, around 15 years old, I came across this boy that I was friend with in kindergarten. I told my mother about this crash and she supported me in being brave enough to ask him out and make the first move, she even got his phone number for me and this is when I faced the first rejection. This boy was so shy, he didn't understand what I want from him. as if I came from no where, calling him out of the blow, it was weird lol. But for me - I experienced disappointment to such and extent that a few years after, when I was in my 20ties, I saw this boy again and when he started making a move on me, the resentment for rejecting me years back was dominant and I didn't play with him the flirting game so that I could get my revenge by rejecting him back.

 

Another point that is quite interesting is my first boyfriend. Man, he was prince charming, someone that every mother would want for her child lol. He loved me so much and I had no idea how to process that love. He used to write songs for me, write me love letters, he even recorded one of his songs that he wrote for me. He used to create for me these art presents and I was extremely overwhelmed by it all and started resented him for that. I felt shame and discomfort because I didn't feel the same way and I was afraid that if someone in my family knew how much he loves me and what he is doing for me, they will make fun of me.

 

Every time he told me he loves me - I didn't tell him back because I didn't experience the divinity that I assumed I should feel in comparison to the fairy tales stories and movies. I mean, this guy, loved me in the way every girl wants to be loved and cared for but I didn't feel the same. I obviously didn't investigate the reason for my blockage in feeling these things for him and never communicate the why I'm not allowing myself to have these feelings for him. only now I can start seeing the picture in much more clarity and see how my fears took over and through those fears I made really bad decisions. It's interesting how I was looking for something that was right there in front of my eyes and I couldn't see it back then. I couldn't see that the answer was always here and the answer was me.. That I'm the answer from the perspective of - I'm the one who decide.

 

And so, as you could read in my blogs, I made up these excuses and justification for breaking up with him, not being aware of my starting point, the force that behind my so called free choice in my decision to break up and my decisions afterwards regarding the partner I choose to be with.

 

After a few months, I found my first obsession. I met a guy that was 6 years older than me and I experienced my first love. This experience that I've created within and as myself was obviously not something I could have seen back than. I couldn't see that the experience I was creating had anything to do with my need to revenge my upbringing, the need to rebel, the need to live a fantasy that I've accumulated from childhood. This guy was responsible enough to break up with me before it was too late but I saw it as absolute rejection because I couldn't live up to my fantasy. I became totally possessed and did everything I could to win him back. I mean everything.. Including placing myself in an abusive relationship so that I could be saved by him. I was saved, but not by him. I was saved by luck.. It could have been much worst.

All this time, my first boyfriend, the one who loved me dearly, was witnessing me fucking my life around and could do nothing about it because as far as I was concerned, I didn't feel the same way he felt for me.  No matter what he had done to show me what I was busy doing to myself, I couldn't see because I suspected that is starting point was to win me back and that he is manipulating me and so - I disregard everything he had said - verbally and in writings. I simply placed all his letters in a box which I opened 4 years ago, but I will get to this point later.

 

This Love - I could only experience it once again when I was 23. it lasted 6 years within me, despite of us being together for only 6 months. I couldn't let go of this love experience that I felt within and as me, I couldn't let go the fantasy that one day, he will want me back. I couldn't let go that it was done.

This love… I was completely blind to what was here. I couldn't see all the red signs, I couldn't see that we are not aligned, I couldn't see how inadequate this guy was for me. But this love - I could do anything to get this love again, to get this guy again. I even give him another chance a year after we broke up. I decided to fight for him and I went to see him and we decided to give it another go. Only that he had to leave for 2 months for a work thingy and I, holding onto this love, agreed to the arrangement of us being together when I comes back. The day before he had to go, we went to a party, got drunk and he told me that he did a mistake by letting me go, that he loves me so much, and he had cried. And for me… that was the one thing I wanted to hear. That was the one thing I needed to hear, enough to get totally possessed again and change my entire life for the little chance he would still feel the same when he get back. I didn't see the pattern playing out. I didn't consider how we met, where did we met and who was involved in our "love story":

 

I met him in Thailand while he had an arrangement with his ex girlfriend that when he comes back, they might come back together. Only then, I came to this picture and took her place and so, we were together. However now, I was the ex-girlfriend and he went abroad and guess what - he found a new girlfriend and I was left behind. Without even being notified about it.. Waiting for him to come back while all alone, he had already been in a new relationship.

I called him on his birthday to say happy birthday. I was still positive that everything is fine, that he still loves me, and there was another month left before he return and we'll be together. I was so excited and couldn't stop waiting for the moment I call him and speak to him. however, the first moment I called him, and I heard his voice, I knew.. He was sharing the bed with another girl. He was cheating on me.. In that moment, my world collapsed and the decisions that I've made from that single moment, where nothing but self abuse. 

 

Ok, so I will go up to here for today and will continue tomorrow opening up this point to see for the first time what Love was to me, who am I as love, why I am as love. Thank you for reading.