A Woman's Journey to Life

For more context, please read -

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness - Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments - Day 117

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130

My Partner IS BORING - Self Commitments - Day 131

Aug 23, 2012 at 5:04 AM | By: A Woman

Sexual Journey - Day 132

So I'm continuing with my Journey into my Sex life lol.

It's quite fascinating how I have tried to avoid looking at sex, sexuality, relationships for so long and now when it's here, I can't stop writing and opening up more and more points.

It's like, going back in time, seeing the Time Line and there are points where I would go like: Ohhhhh, so this is what it was?! Now I understand myself better. And yet, there are many points to still go into, investigate, explore and within that, getting to know myself for the very first time. Getting to know how and why I've designed myself as my mind, why and how have I become what I had become, How and Why I had always repeated the same patters.

Frankly, I see now that unless I would walk this process, I would most likely to end up as a very depressed human being, never satisfied, never "complete" because I was consistently looking for MORE, while MORE and EVERYTHING was always here, Me though - I couldn't see.

My next Blog sessions would be about my first relationship with Sex and how from that moment, I've suppressed myself as Sex because I believed it was Wrong/forbidden as I was too young

Also, how and why I broke up with my first boyfriend to be able to explore my sexuality without no one ever finding out as I kept in secret and accordingly, when those partner became intimate with me, and express their feeling towards me - I backed off and broke up with them to be able to maintain the Drama in my life and seek for excitement with males that didn't give a fuck about me and all I was to them was a sexual partner that they can fuck and forget the next day, till they would be Horney again and I'll jump back to their bed for another night, for another adventure; everything to keep the energy going within and as myself.

Interesting enough, once I settled in with a partner, and started to discover what is intimacy to me, I pushed my partner to much until he broke up with me and I went to a new cycle where I've covered up my depression through sex and attempted to give myself value through the partners I chose to spent time with.

So you see, my choices with regards to partners were always fucked up and I either used sex to forget how miserable I felt inside myself, or I used Sex to gain my value or I used sex to break the chains that I felt my home environment chained me to; not once, my starting point was to explore, investigate and get to know myself as Sex. Not once, my starting point was to establish and agreement with myself and my partner to support each other with and through communication, intimacy and sex.

This is why this process is so Awesome because it is always about the starting point and once I redefine the point and change the starting point, I rebirth a part of myself.. And so, slowly but surely we would rebirth as the physical as we step out of our mind through a process of writing, self Forgiveness in self honesty and self corrective statements, walking through the layers of the mind, getting to know our own programming so that we could take responsibility and CHANGE.

So, let's see where from the SF I would take me..

Also, I suggest listening to:

For more context, please read -

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness - Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments - Day 117

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130

My Partner IS BORING - Self Commitments - Day 131

Aug 21, 2012 at 11:19 PM | By: A Woman

My Partner IS BORING - Self Commitments - Day 131

This is a continuation to:

This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130

I commit myself to write for myself the components that I see as relevant, supportive and aligned with where I'm in my process and accordingly, would see what and who can stand according to what I see as best for me to walk my process with another human being, in absolute alignment to what I would accept and what I won't accept within myself and my world.

I commit myself to redefine the words that I've automatically imprinted within my flesh according to what I was taught, seen and observed throughout my life so that I can stand in self trust as the living word and accordingly form, develop and establish and effective agreement with myself as well as another human being.

I commit myself to SHOW the relationship between the mind and the physical and the influences the Media has on those relationships wherein, one would create in one's mind, an ideal relationship that would be based on ENERGY that would recreate itself to keep the being in one's mind, in total separation from oneself as well as the physical reality.

Accordingly, I commit myself to change the Media content to that which would assist and support humanity to be and become effective human beings within themselves and their relationship with others.

I commit myself to - When and as I meet a being that potentially can become my partner, to NOT accept and allow my mind to takes me to either to positive or the negative experience and instead, to STOP, Breath and see within self honesty whether I can effectively work with this being to develop and establish an effective agreement and within that, see in self honesty whether or not we are aligned or can be aligned to where I am within my process.

I commit myself to write for myself all the things/points that I LIKE and DISLIKE within a relationship and accordingly, debunk or redefine the points to see, what is practical and what is not, what would be supportive and what would not etc.

I commit myself to develop and establish an effective Communication with my partner where we share, support and assist each other to align ourselves with our physical self and thus, to not accept and allow myself to base my decisions on my mind as future projections but instead, communicate, share and come together to an agreement on what we would accept and what we would not.

Also, I suggest listening to:

For more context, please read -

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness - Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments - Day 117

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130

This is a continuation to:

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've created within and as my mind, the idea, perception, belief and opinion of how my relationship should be like, according to what I've observed within my environment and accordingly made the decision of what I LIKE and what I DISLIKE my relationship to be like.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand and investigate WHO I am as a relationship, WHY I am within a relationship and WHAT is a relationship to me and accordingly, create, develop and establish a supportive relationship (Agreement) that is bases on PRINCIPLE of What is Best for all as I see and Realize that what is best for ALL start with me as what is best for me; thus, I see and realize that for an effective agreement, I must first structure for myself HOW will I support myself within my relationships within my process of stepping out of my mind to be able to stand, Breath by Breath according to that which is best for all as a physical Living Expression that in time would be the Example for many to walk their process to bring about a world that is in fact best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want and desire DRAMA in my life because I've defined LIFE without Drama as boring and accordingly, I've created and manifested for myself LIFE full with Drama as a negative experiences because I've not realized the principle of " Be careful of what you wish for" from the perspective that - the Drama that I've desired for was a created within and as my illusionary mind domain with no foundation within and as the physical reality and so - the drama that I've seek for was Energy rush that I had to manifest within and as myself to keep stimulate and activate my illusionary reality in my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to judge a prospect partner according to components that I've created in my mind and accordingly, made the decision whether or not this person has a chance to fulfil my desires. However, what I've NOT consider within my desire to fulfil my desires was the practical physical aspect of establishing, forming and developing an effective relationship/agreement with the being that is based on principles that we have both stand for and as, within and as ourselves.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give value to the Drama that I desired to have within and as my LIFE, not seeing, realizing and understanding my starting point within the establishment and the creation of the fantasies/illusions wherein, the point that I desired for was to keep my enslavement within and as my mind through energy that I must attain to keep me going and within that, bind myself to never discover who I am as a physical living being and accordingly, supported myself to step out of my mind and establish a supportive agreement with MYSELF and my partner, equal and one so that together, we could individually and together would bring about a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear having a boring relationship within the definition that I've gave to relationship as what I've seen at home and thus, had made the decision to never have the same type of relationship my parents has which led me to self abuse/sabotage cycle of being that I was not aligned with as I've tried with them to live the illusionary/fantasy relationship that I've created in my mind through the Dislike and Like that I've formed within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship as boring according to my future projections that were not aligned with what was 'here' and within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the relationships that I had, I created; and as the creator of those relationships, I could recreate the relationship from a new and fresh starting point where I communicate the points with my partner and we come to a mutual agreement within ourselves and each other were we agree on what we will accept and what we will not and together, come up with an agreement that is best for both and as such, best for all.

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand the effectiveness of Physical Communication where I share with my partner that which is in my secret mind so that my partner can support me to see what I've accepted and allowed within myself; Obviously, it would be up to me to either make a decision that is best for all in self honesty or not but what is certain is that making decisions before I lay out in writing all the points that I've accepted and allowed in my mind and correct myself within and as myself, is not acceptable; I now see, realize and understand that acting on my mind without writing the point out and instead, going to the quick way, as the quick fix, as breaking up, would not solve the problem but I would instead, recreate the same point with a new partner and would remain forever enslaved to my own mind.

Also, I suggest listening to:

For more context, please read -

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness - Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments - Day 117

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

Aug 20, 2012 at 6:40 AM | By: A Woman

My Partner is Boring - Let's breakup - Day 129

While walking the entire Sex/Masturbation/relationships Networks/Systems within and as myself, more and more points open up within me, as I'm now ready to look at all that which I've deliberately tried to avoid/suppress/ignore.

And so, I was looking at my past relationships - who was I within the relationships, Who was my partner to me within our relationships, Why did the relationship ended, what were the patterns that repeated over and over again throughout my successful and unsuccessful relationships, Why have I decided to not give a chance to specific males and why have I chased after specifics males.

2 weeks ago, I had a dream where my first boyfriend, which I was his Love of his life, didn't remember me due to something that happened and he lost his past memories. The dream revealed to me 2 points that I must write and investigate -

1. Fear of Loss

2. the Pattern of - This relationship is boring - Let's break up.

Within this blog, I would start with the second point as it is HERE from the perspective, I see clearly the pattern and would like to place it in words, to make sure I'm clear within and as myself as this pattern was a dominant pattern throughout my relationships with my partners.

When I was 16, I met my first boyfriend. We were both at the same age, same Status, we had the same friends and after a while.. I got bored and was willing to leave him and all our friends because our relationship didn't meet with the fantasy relationship that I desired to have - the relationships that I've seen over the TV. Back then, it was Beverly Hills 90210 that was my first cable TV series that I was exposed to.

It was always the time where I've made the decision to suppress my Sexuality and that is another story and SF process that I will walk in details. However, there is a relationship between my need to suppress my sexuality and the creation of the character - I'm bored from this relationship so, I would incorporate the character SF statements when and as the suppressed sexuality from that single moment emerged.

So, I broke up with him and accordingly, started my journey of seeking for, looking for a partner that would meet with the fantasy/illusionary reality that I've created within and as my mind.

The guys that I've hang out with where all over the place, but that what I wanted - some action, some drama, something that would keep me occupied; only what I've not realized was how destructive the journey that I've prepared for myself to walk was…

When and as I met a guy that is "Normal" from the perspective of - his financial future stability is secure, coming from a "good" family, my family would like him, good guy with good values - I ran away as far as I could, making up excuses like - he is a bad kisser, he is a nerd.. Everything that I could fine so that I won't be bound to a boring and unsatisfied life according to my eye's view.

Obviously, as everything - What I observed at home are things that I either liked or disliked and having a boring relationship was something I didn't like because I've defined my parents relationship as boring and made a decision to never create myself the same relationship that they have.

And so, within my next blog, I would walk my process of self forgiveness and self commitments and accordingly, open more points within and as myself.

Also, I suggest listening to:

For more context, please read -

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123