Sexual Journey - Regret as Fear of Loss - Day 136

Continuing with my investigation of what I've created from a simple point of Sex and Sexuality and created layers upon layers of Judgement, opinions, excuses which from all of which I've created and manifest my own religion - My Religion of Self.

 

An interesting point that I came to realize lately is the derivative of the Fear of Loss -> Regret.

As I am walking back in time, observing who I am or more specifically who I was throughout my relationship Journeys and as I see what I have accepted and allowed and how I made the decisions I made, a feeling of regret flooding within and as me when a memory comes up; the back chat is like: if only I would have done things differently, how would my life would turn out to be?; I did a huge mistake, I should have stayed in that relationship; it's too late now, he already has kids; no one would never love and respect me the way he did; How stupid was I? Why couldn't I see what I had in my hands; If only.. What if.. Is it too late?

 

At the moment I'm in Israel for a 2 weeks visit and all my past is now busy hunting me. I hear stories about a guy I was with, I see an article on the news paper with another guy I was with, I hear that my first boyfriend got married and have kids now, I hear that most of the people I was with are already settled in with homes, wives and babies and here I am.. Doing the opposite from every route my life could ever take me, living on a farm far away from my roots, busy with something that only a few dares of doing.. Am I doing the right thing?

Should I stay here and build myself a house in Israel and try to forget the journey that I've walked thus far?

 

OBVIOUSLY NOT! It is just another character that I've accepted and allowed myself to take myself into and for a moment, just for a tiny moment, allowed those back chat that revealed the point of REGRET as fear of lose.

It's quite cool to have those backchat to reveal to me what and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. It's quite cool to have a mirror, as my mind, to show me my deepest desires as the programming that I've programmed myself as throughout my life, with the assistance and support of my environment, culture, religion, family, friends, media etc.

 

What is clear now is - as long as I accept and allow those step backs into my past, as regret, I would never in fact LIVE as a physical human being because it is SOOOO easy to fall back into my back chat through the stipulation of memories and past experiences and unless I stand as the directive principle and Forgive myself for every inch of thought/feeling/emotions that I've automatically live, I've got no chance.

 

Regret is quite a bitchy character that I've created because it can so easily take one to self pity, self sorrow within the attempt that one would never start walking but would always remain enslave to one's past.

What was done was done and it is clear to me that I would have never be happy and satisfied with my life if I would have stayed ignorant and would never found the characters that I've created.

 

Like for example, the diminishment character that I've seen myself creating a while ago - that character would have played again and again within and as me, regardless of how my life would have turn out in any other scenario. I would keep comparing myself to everything and everyone and I would always find something to be jealous at, something to judge myself for, something to take myself down with no self value or respect.

I would probably compromise for a man that wouldn't support me in anyway to step out of my mind and I would be always always create myself as controlled, enslaved and dispower in absolute separation of myself. I would keep nodding and say I'm happy even though inside, I would have been miserable. I would praise and glorify my children despite the fact that they took over my life and all my worth is in making money, raise them and maybe, just maybe, would have enough to take myself into a vacation once in a while to try and achieve the desires I've installed within myself through what I hear/see in my environment.

 

So, Commonsensically, I cannot accept and allow those thoughts/feeling/emotions/reactions that arise from within me while walking my journey to LIFE as I see, realize and understand it is another self manipulation that I'm doing to myself so that I would give up and stop walking out from my mind and instead, scroll back into my mind, into enclosure, till I die and then… it's absolutely toooooo late.

 

Tomorrow - Self Forgiveness..

 

 

 

For more context, please read -

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Investigating Sexual Expression - Part 2 - Day 121

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness - Part 2 - Day 122

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 2 - Day 123

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness -  Day 116

Spilling semen in vain - Self Commitments -  Day 117

 

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Day 118

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Forgiveness - Day 119

Be Fruitful and Multiply - Self Commitments - Day 120

 

Sexual Inadequacy - Overview - Day 124

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy–Part 1 - Day 125

Sex in the Dark – Sexual Inadequacy – Part 2 - Day 126

Sexual Education - Part 1 - Day 127

Sexual Education - Part 2 - Day 128

 

My Partner is Boring - Let's breakup - Day 129

This relationship is BORING - Self Forgiveness - Day 130

My Partner IS BORING - Self Commitments - Day 131

 

Sexual Journey - Day 132

Sexual Journey - Early Adulthood years - Day 133

Sexual Journey - Early Adulthood years - Part 2 - Day 134

Sexual Journey - Early Adulthood years - Part 3 - Day 135

 

Competition jealousy and spitefulness – Day 12

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to Ignore the thoughts that are running in my mind towards another human being and allowing it to go rampant in my mind instead of taking a moment and investigate what is the nature of the thought, What is it that I’m showing to myself when turning the point back to myself, what Am I missing while accepting thoughts towards another human being in my mind?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the nature competitive personality that I have become because when I was looking and observing the world, I’ve seen that everyone are competing with other human being and thus, I’ve accepted that as a social norm, imprinted that into me and lived out the competitive personality within my mind as well as in my actions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to confuse standing up for myself with standing up as what is best for all wherein – when and as I’m standing up for myself, I access competition personality design where I’ll do my best to win a secret competition that I’ve created in my life due to jealousy that I’m experiencing towards that being; while standing up for what is best for all means – to not accept and allow any shit that is coming from me as well as other people and rather walk in every moment as within directive principle of what is best for all life in fact.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my relationship with females throughout my life as I’m taking a step back from them due to accepted and allowed jealousy towards them and instead of sorting out myself and aligning myself, I’ve taken the quick fix “solution” as disappearing from their lives. And within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always create myself as righteous in my mind, justifying why I was right and they were wrong in addition to why the reason I disappeared from their lives was valid. What I’ve missed within it all is the opportunity to face myself, to face that which they were showing me, face the secret jealousy and competition and physically change myself to a respectful and humble human being.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – exists in this world as a competitive human being that always seek for one’s own self interest.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to connect the nasty thoughts that I have towards another human being with Jealousy and competition.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the relationship between competition, spitefulness and jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that Fear of lose and fear of Failure are the origin/source/core of competition, jealousy and spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn from those who came before me through an example, how to design and program myself within a competitive personality design because I believe they know better than me, despite the fact that if they would have known better, this world wouldn’t have become a world of horror, abuse and suffering for the majority of this world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire bad things to manifest for other human beings so that I could feel better with myself and my life, without realizing the consequences of my creation, without realizing that I’m sabotaging not only them but me as well, without realizing that I’m responsible for this world to manifest as an evil and abusive place because I allow those type of thoughts to occur in my mind and thus, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to occupy my mind with secret back chat about other human beings to make myself feel superior, worthy and more than and I haven’t taken the responsibility to realize that which I allow myself to participate with and the consequences thereof – What I allow to exists within me, I allow to exists within this world and thus, I’m responsible for how and what this world has become as the equal acceptance of human beings that walk and direct themselves and this world according to a principle of “the strangers will win”.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed competition between human beings in this world because I learnt through history that only the strongest survive and if I want to survive in this world, I have to compete for my status/spot with everything that I’ve got, regardless the effect that it has on other human lives and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to connect and see the relationship between competition and fear of lose and through accepting competition, I’ve suppressed and deny myself the gift of facing my fears to be able to change myself and therefor my world to a world that is best for all, in all ways possible.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the polarity design in competition of losing and winning and thus, I’ve not accepted and allow myself to consider the losing side that exists in this world as those who were born to die so that only a select few could win and through me denying and blinding myself to see that which is HERE, I’m part of the winning side that disregard those who are unfortunate in this world.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that we require a new education system so that we can stop for once and for all walking the sin of our fathers and support the next generation to be and become beings that are in fact applying and living the principle of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I’ve Not accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of the current education system within the world system as a whole and within the family system as a part of the whole and thus, I’ve blindly walked according to those who came before me, never questioning reality and in that I’ve proved that I am a walking organic brainwashed robot that has no free will because if I had free will/choice, I would have utilize my will to make something substantial in this world and push myself to change myself as well as this world to never again create and manifest a world that is based on fears, survival, abuse and suffering.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take the competition nature of human being for granted without question the starting point of such creation as well as not considering a world that is best for all because if I have, I would assist and support myself to stop and change me as equal to and one with this world.

I commit myself to stop the existence of me as a competitive ego personality design and change myself according to principles of do onto another that which you’d like to be done onto you.

I commit myself to work and establish a constructive educational system for the children to come where they will learn, apply and walk from the get go the principles of Oneness and Equality.

I commit myself to – When and as I see myself accessing competition with people in my world, to stop, breathe and investigate the core/source/origin point of what I’m actually dealing with.

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