Singing Expression - Self Commitments - Day 108

This is a continuation to:

Suppressed Expression Character - Day 101

Suppressed Self Expression - The beginning of the End - Day 102

Singing Expression Character - Day 103

The Shyness Character - Day 104

The Shyness Character - Self Forgiveness as the parent - Day 105

The Shyness Character - Self Commitments Statements - Day 106

Singing Expression - Self Forgiveness - Day 107

I commit myself to SHOW that one of the dimension of suppressed Expression character within and singing, is the creation of the Shyness character which one have created through the acceptance and allowances of Past Memory Experience that one has stored in one's mind.

I commit myself to SHOW how we store picture inside our mind and how through those pictures, we make the decision of who we are in any given moment as automated compute characters without seeing, realizing and understanding that within that atomization of ourselves, we are not really Living within and as the physical reality but rather, living within an illusionary reality where we allow abuse and suffering of ourselves and each other as a protection mechanism that is based on self interest desire for an experience as energy. In this, I commit myself to SLOW myself down to be able to identify the pictures that I've stored in my mind as I see, realize and understand now the consequences of my permission to create myself as a picture in my mind and how through those pictures, I'm diminishing and suppressing who I am as a physical living being. And accordingly, when and as I see a picture in my mind, I identify the picture, investigate the origin of the picture and through a process of self forgiveness, I delete the picture and stand HERE, Breathing

I commit myself to When and As I see myself participating in comparison, to STOP, BREATHE and no accept and allow myself to follow the comparison thoughts as I see, realize and understand exactly where the thoughts will lead me - towards a stupidity cycle where I will utilize the comparison thoughts, to become jealous at others, to judge myself and through the negative energetic charge, attempt to raise my energetic vibration through becoming spiteful towards others in my mind, to elevate myself and as I'm now in the positive energetic charge, the diminishment character will step in and take me back to the negative charge. And so, as I see clearly the energetic cycle that can only exists when and as I allow comparison to be my directive principle, I STOP, and no more accept this shit as me. Till here no further.

I commit myself to stop jealousy towards anything and anyone within and as myself because I see, realize and understand that those whom I jealous at, have walked a process of perfecting their skills and accordingly, standing as an example that anything is possible if one will dare oneself to invest the time in oneself, to practice, educate and improve oneself within and as this space/time reality.

I commit myself to SHOW that when and as we accept and allow ourselves to suppress our expression as who we are, we are in fact sabotaging our human physical body because when we are busy with suppressing who we are, when we are busy walking as characters, there are changes and movement within and as the  physical, movement that create pressure on the physical organs, which we take for granted as if it is normal because we have slow ourselves down to see the consequences that we are accepting and allowing within and as our human physical body.

I commit myself to stop placing Value in what others think or say about me because I see, realize and understand now how the mind works and functions a character upon character creations that one is creating to maintain and sustain one's own desire for an experience and thus, I give myself the permission to express myself as who I am, in any given moment; I give myself the permission to direct and move myself according to what is here, what is practically and physically available in this physical reality; walking according to what will be the utmost effective support for myself and others within the Equality Equation.

I commit myself to SING as me as self expression and to stop my own self judgement based on comparison, and values that I've placed in separation of myself. I commit myself to stop the Shyness Character when and as I sing and thus, I move through the character, I let go of the my own judgement, I let go of the fear of how others will see/think of me. I give myself the permission to STAND as who I am, as self expression and ENJOY myself.

Singing Expression - Self Forgiveness - Day 107

This is a continuation to:

Suppressed Expression Character - Day 101

Suppressed Self Expression - The beginning of the End - Day 102

Singing Expression Character - Day 103

The Shyness Character - Day 104

The Shyness Character - Self Forgiveness as the parent - Day 105

The Shyness Character - Self Commitments Statements - Day 106

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the Shyness Character when and as I'm about to move myself and sing, as self expression, here, and I haven't realized that the Shyness Character that exists according to past memory experiences, is the character that I've abUSEd to diminish and suppress my expression within and as singing and thus, so long as I accept and allow the shyness character to dictate who I am and Self expression, I'm not in fact a physical living human being but rather an automated organic robot that works and functions based on past memory experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a picture in my mind of standing in front of an audience, on a small stage, Immobilized, frozen and hell scared and anxious and I haven't realized that as long as I hold onto this picture, I will not move myself and express myself in singing, as who I am within and as breath and in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see my starting point with creating and holding on to this picture in my mind, and how I've (ab)USEd this picture to suppress myself, as self expression.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare my singing skills to others and within that, created an idea that only those who are capable of singing "beautifully", according to my eye's view, can sing out loud in public and those who didn't develop these skills, are better off singing only to themselves where no one can hear them and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an idea in my mind, of what is a valid singing and what is not and through this idea, I've participated in Comparison in my mind, of myself to others and others towards myself as the idea in my mind, not seeing, realizing and understanding that this idea that I used to compare with, is the stumbling stone that I've set forth for me to suppressed my expression within singing.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy towards those who are freely singing and within that, I haven't seen the process that they have walked to perfect their skills, the time they invested in practicing and thus, I haven't considering the step to step process that those people have walked to perfect themselves; instead, I've accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into reaction as jealousy, not seeing, realizing and understanding that instead of investing my time in creating jealousy within and myself, I can walk the space time process of improving and establishing my singing skills through the example of others.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue suppressing my own self expression and within that, deliberately ignore my body as the experience of discomfort in my entire physical body and specifically in my throat and front thighs as they all of a sudden constricted when and as I'm suppressing my physical movement as singing expression and not giving me the permission to sing;  in this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I'm accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself as my human physical body, when and as I accept and allow programs/characters to automated run and decide for me who I am in every moment because I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realized that those programs/characters can only exits because I'VE created them as ME, as my own Decision to diminish and suppress myself as life that is Here in any given moment and through not seeing the physical changes, I allow my human physical body to be stressed and constricted which put pressure on my human physical organs and in essence, sabotage my body's systems.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the Supressed Singing Character within and as myself because I believed that if I would, I would be able to fit in with specific groups of people that think it is uncool to sing and I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realized what they have accepted and allowed within and as themselves as the Suppressed singing character and in addition, created the: "I'm so cool" character to hide the fact that they are accepting and allowing themselves to suppress who they are. However, because I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate the character creations within and as myself, I've copied their character as equal and one as me. Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to trust who I am in every moment of every breath as the expression of who I am and accordingly, have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as characters to be able to be accepted and validated in my environment, not seeing, realizing and understanding the consequences of my doing - becoming automated organic robot that works and functions in absolute ignorance of who I am as Life that is here.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to direct and move myself according to how my environment sees me and accordingly make the decision to suppress myself because I've placed value in other people's opinions, thoughts, judgements and haven't accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to what is here, as the physical reality, but rather, accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to the illusionary reality of and as the mind of myself and others.

 

Also read:

The Self Diminishment Character - Day 94

They are Better than me, I'm so fucked up - Day 95

Taking responsibility for my creation - Day 96

Singing Expression Character - Day 103

This is a continuation to:

Suppressed Expression Character - Day 101

Suppressed Self Expression - The beginning of the End - Day 102

 

In my previous blogs, I was looking at the Self Suppressed Expression Character and while I was walking my Self Forgiveness, I've realized: Oh man, this point is quite extensive, and I must stop and take it apart from various directions and dimensions because otherwise, I will not see the totality of the Character and would not be able to assist and support myself with stepping out of character and become a Living Expression of who I am in every moment of every breath.

 

Today, I will be walking the Self Expression within Singing and I'll be looking at why, when, how and where, I've accepted and allowed myself to suppressed my vocals, my expression within singing despite of my enjoyment of singing to myself and with myself.

 

Identifying the Suppressed Singing Expression Character:

 

1. Picture of the Character:

The Character, as a picture in my mind, is like.. almost dried skin being as the constriction of the being's human physical body had led to a dried manifestation of the human physical flesh/skin.

The character is standing in front of an audience, on a small stage, Immobilized, frozen and hell scared and anxious.

 

2. Back Chats:

• I'm not singing as good as this person
• My voice is weird
• It's sound like a little girl voice when I sing
• Just give it up, you are not a singer
• Why they are comfortable with singing? We are coming from the same family.. Why one side of the family is so shy and the other one is so expressive? I should have born in the other side of the family.
• I would also like to sing like they do
• Why am I so shy? It isn't like me..
• What if I sing out of tune? Will others judge me? I better not take the chance.

 

3. Reactions:

• Embarrassment
• Jealousy
• Comparison
• Competition
• Spitefulness
• Shyness
• Anger
• Judgement

 

4. Body Changes:

• Discomfort with my human physical body:

• Can't find a place to place my hands - eventually, I will either clap them together with the melody or on the table/floor/what ever I can find.

• Constriction in my throat
• Pressure in my solar plexus area towards the heart
• Front thighs are constricted

 

5. Memories:

 

1. Within the Jewish culture, for each holiday, there are specific songs that are being sang when the families are coming together to celebrate the holiday. In Passover, there is one specific song that the youngest child supposed to sing and i have a specific memories where I felt pressure to sing because I have realized that none of the other kids would like to sing and but because I was the youngest, I was expected to sing.

 

I don't remember any problem singing before that evening but when I saw the resistance within others, I internalized the resistance within myself and have decided to resists singing in the family gathering as well. The backchat was: if I would sing, I will be defined and judged as the youngest and won't be accepted by the other kids in the family who are older than me and thus, to be accepted and validated as one of them, I must act like them and therefore, I mustn't sing so that I could fit in with the rest of the kids in our family.

I don't want them see me as young and stupid, I want to be part of the group, the grownup kids group.

And so - I've resisted singing in family gathering ever since - created the character of: "I'm not singing, it's stupid".

 

When we celebrated the same holiday with a different side of the family a couple of years later, or maybe a year later, a friction manifested within and as me.

In that side of the family, Singing was part of who they were and they enjoyed singing, enjoyed the sound, enjoyed the moment, no Shyness. At that night, I was asked to sing as the youngest kid on the table.

 

However, I have already became the character: "I'm not singing, it's stupid" and have thus, automatically resisted to sing. The friction emerged because within and as me, I wanted to sing, but I couldn't step out my character so that no one would be able to expose me when and as I'm in the presence of the other side of the family. And beside, what will my siblings say about me, that I'm young and stupid because I sing? No, I cannot allow that. And thus, I've decided to remain in character and act on my resistance to sing.

 

2. When I was around the age of 7-10, I was participating in the school chorus where I was placed in the Soprano group because I could sing high cords. The Chorus manger liked me because at that time, I was also playing on the Piano and she saw the potential that I could become with my music skills. But even then, I was preoccupied with self judgement and comparison which blinded me to see what the manager saw within me because according to my eye's view - I wasn't good enough, there were others who could sing better than me and I was so possessed with my shyness Character and therefore, I wasn't willing to sing Solo despite of the manager pushing me to sing Solo.

 

There was this girl (let's call her girl A), that sang beautifully and I was very much jealous at her, she used to sing the solo parts which I always dreamt to sing as well but didn't give myself the permission to step up and sing Solo because the Shyness Character was very much in control.

 

The next memory is quite vague and I cannot recall the specific time line but it was in one of the school shows where the solo was given to another girl (girl B) but she was sick at that day and couldn't join the show. From here on, I can't remember the specifics wherein I was either asked to sing instead of her because girl A wasn't there but than, they called her and asked her to come, or either I was wishing to be asked to replace Girl B but Girl A took the part at the end. Either way, I was extremely jealous and as far as I can remember, it didn't took long from that moment until I quit the chorus and stopped singing - Acting on the Giving Up Character.

 

I can write about more memories but the pattern remain the same - I have become the living memory of the Suppressed Expression Character as Singing. What is interesting is that before I started this blog, I couldn't recall the memories and when I spoke with another being, asking for a tool that I can apply to recall the memory, the being told me that the memory in itself isn't relevant as I've already become the living memory because the fact of the matter is - I am not giving myself the permission to sing, as who I am, within and as self expression. And as I was starting to write and opened up the non singing character that I've become, the memories started to come up only for me to see that what ever memory that I'll walk, the patter is still the same - Belief, Comparison, Jealousy, Judgement, Spitefulness looping in a cycle again and again, with different picture presentations, different beings, different environment, different space time - the only thing that is not different and is Equally the same - it the character that I've created as myself.

 

Ok, so in my next blogs, I will be walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements and commitments in relation to Singing. The practical application would be…. A surprise.. Wait and see.