This is a continuation to:
Walking Breath by Breath - Part 1 - Day 160
Walking Breath by Breath - Part 2 - Day 161
Today, I will further look at how I've placed my power, my trust in others, how I've spiritualized them within my mind, how I have attached and gave them power, through imagination and how within that, I've lost myself so to speak, lost critical thinking, lost common sense…
When I was about 11 years old, I lost my grandfather which I was very much connected with from the perspective of - he had never seen me as a child, as someone who is less than him, he had never judged me, yelled at me or put me down. He was always very much gentle with me. He used to tell me stories about his past and within that, walked me through the common sense point of why and how there is no God for real.
Obviously, he couldn't explain to me how creation was created and how we have evolved to where we are now but what was very much clear to him is that there is no God and if there is a God, than God is a sun of a bitch, the most evil man on earth.
The night that he had died, I could feel it even though it was out of the blue, he wasn't old or anything.. Only 75 years old. At that night, I was waking up in the middle of the night from a dream about my grandfather lying on a silver metal bad, with a light on top of him, he was naked with a blanket on and he wasn't moving. I didn't experience any previous death before and I didn't understand what I was seeing in my dream. At 1:00 AM, the phone was ringing, waking me up from my dream. I put myself back to sleep until the morning came. I went up from bed, so many people in our house and my sister came towards me in the attempt to take me aside and tell me what had happened, but I already knew and I started yelling at her. I don't remember what I was saying to her but it was something in the nature of - don't you dare say it, I already know, he is dead..
His death was one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced because this man, was my entire world, he was my sanity in a world I couldn't see sanity. He was practical, direct, assertive, caring - something rarely to seen and found in this current world. I knew that from now on, there would be no one that I can trust with telling me the truth, no one that I could trust to never judge me or put me down. I wanted to believe so much that he is still here in spirit so I started talking to him. asking him questions, asking him to assist me with communicate effectively with my parents, asking me to give me signs so that I'll know that I'm in the right path, asking him about guys and what his perspective on them.. It was all fine until it didn't lol.
In moments of bad experiences, when things could have gone completely out of balance, completely wrong, and in the last moment something had happened and I was saved by chance, I connected it to my grandfather watching me and taking care of me. I've essentially made him my Guardian Angle, my God, My Saviour.
There was a time when things went completely wrong and I couldn't get what I wanted, especially with males that I became obsessed with and they didn't pay attention to me. When the "Love of my Life" had broken up with me and I felt my world had collapsed, I blamed my grandfather. One night, I was driving my car back home, crying so much, like almost a panic attach. I yelled at my grandfather to give me a sign for his existence because if he wouldn't, I wouldn't trust that he is there watching me. Yes, I made some excuses and justifications like - he cannot watch me every single moment and he might assist and support other human beings in certain moment but at that very moment, when I was crying like crazy and yelled at him, I expected him to hear me and give me a sign. I told him that he can take a few days to give me a sign because I didn't know how long it would take him to manifest the sign for me but if it won't happened, I'm done. I would stop this blindly belief.
And so, I stopped. For a few years I didn't talk with my grandfather anymore, I didn't think about him, I stopped looking for signs that where never there and I was completely alone with no one to watch me from way above. Until.. One day. When I was already a spiritual person, I was laying on the couch with my face towards to TV screen. The house was full with candles which created a warmth environment and suddenly… I saw my grandfather, I saw him on the TV screen, giving me a sign for his existence and immediately, the belief had emerged again - my grandfather always there, letting me to experience some life lessons but he had never stop taking care of me.
Fortunately, the spiritual phase didn't last so long, it was around 2 years before I had found Desteni and I could finally realize my own responsibility, my own relationship with my mind as imagination, my own reasoning as illusions regarding what is real and what is not, without even testing the points for myself in common sense.
So here, I wrote done the story for myself, as the foundation of the point that I would look at in my next blog, regarding my experience with spiritualizing a being, how did it influenced my life, how did it influence my relationships with other human beings, and how I have utilize this being to abdicate my own responsibility through blaming him for my own self creation.
To do this - I would walk my experience and relationship with him before and after he had died to see who I am/was within this relationship, why have I created this godly relationship with him, before and after he had died, to see, realize and understand in more depth how through my relationship with my grandfather, I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own responsibility in standing within and as self trust, directing myself and my world, breath by breath.
With regards to After Death Communication – I suggest reading through Creation’s Journey to Life Day 151 onwards as well as watch the following Video: www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ZGoCC3vID8I
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